Where can an alternative 40 something make friends?

[Tokek]

Hello!

I moved to my current city nearly two years ago with my partner, and having lived all over the country I have never struggled to make friends as much as I have here. I have already tried a number of groups, most of which haven't had the social element I've been looking for, and as such I'm making one last attempt at casting the net to see if there might be any obscure interest groups I could be missing.

What I've been looking for is the kind of hobby that attracts alternative, maybe neurodiverse people, and that both meets regularly (at least every two weeks), at the same time each week or fortnight and involves a social element. By this I mean either the hobby involves sitting around a table and chatting over the activity, or else people stay for a drink/go to a pub or cafe afterwards.

It is really astonishing how few groups seem to meet all three criteria, let alone attracting my fellow oddballs too! I'll go into things I have tried or considered below, which will probably come across as moany but will hopefully give some perspective:

Anything too sporty or vigorous is out as I'm marathon training so need to rest physically on my off days. Meetup has some nice groups, but very few are based around meeting at the same time each week/fortnight meaning that you go to one event and meet some nice people but it's pot luck as to whether you'll see them again. I have been in a choir previously, but found most people a bit conventional for me (absolutely no judgement, there just wasn't a lot of commonality). Would love to find a drawing group, but there's nothing regular in my area. Have also tried the WI but the two groups near me don't have particularly regular events between the monthly meets. I'm also not keen on Bumble BFF as I find a lot of friendships that start off without unplanned interactions peter out quickly. Volunteering, I can't find any you can do in the evening in my area that looks like you'd be able to chat to other volunteers whilst on shift. Some people have suggested board game groups, but I don't like board games enough.

Is there anything at all I could be missing? Aside from the above, I will consider any hobbies that might have a chance of yielding a social circle!

Apologies for the moan, this is me trying my hardest to turn things around.

A local board game cafe maybe? Or a board game shop that also hosts games evenings. Often board game cafes do alcoholic drinks and social evenings.

Thanks, I just don't like board games enough to play them regularly unfortunately.

Did you actually read the post? The OP doesn't like board games.

A book group (ours meets in the local pub!), Knitting or crochet or any other craft group (could be connected to the local wool or craft shop?).

Book groups tend to only meet monthly I think. There was an album group on Meetup that I got really excited about as you can meet more regularly when the task is to listen to a record, but that disappeared very quickly. If there weren't a few demands on my finances this year I'd take it on myself (Meetup fees are high).

I'll have another look at craft groups, but I think the main ones I've seen are on the two days a week that are non negotiable running days.

Ah I misread the part about not liking board games! Ignore my suggestion, sorry. That'll teach me for mumsnetting while doing other stuff. Do you have a local museum or art gallery? They may be able to point you towards groups that meet up locally?

Bell ringing meets all your requirements. So long as you are ok with being in pubs ( a lot of socialising!), and dashing around tiny country lanes most weekends.

Haha, wow! That's exactly the kind of niche suggestion I was looking for!

No worries, sure we've all done it! That's a good idea, I'll give that a try thanks.

I feel like the fact you are training for a marathon could be key here, because people who are doing that love to chat about it. My brother and SIL are members of a running club that is very social, and I know the ones near me are too. You would share a genuine interest and long term running goals already, so you wouldn't have to learn bell ringing or papier-mâché unless you really wanted to.

@Tokek in that case, ask for the bell tower captain at you local church, they will help you get started. If you don’t have a local church, contact the local diocese and they will steer you in the right direction. You can also contact your local bell ringing guild and they will help! (We are very helpful people bell ringers!?

costs are small, an annual fee to join a guild if you wish, usually £10 or less for a year. You don’t have to join if you don’t want to. Sometimes a couple of pounds are asked per rope if you decide you want to ring full peals. Again you don’t have to do this! Although quarter peaks are great fun and challenging Imo.
If you opt to ring for weddings you (usually) get paid tax free. So you can end up being paid to do your hobby. Although this rarely covers what you end up spending down the various pubs.

bellringers range from 10 - 100 in age and come from all walks of life, but are without exception friendly and passionate about bellringing and helping each other get better and better. Just wear warm cloths and like climbing some very rickety stairs and ladders. If you really get into it there are loads of training courses and associated hobbies to get to grips with like hand bell ringing and bell
maintenance and teaching.

Choir if you enjoy singing. Lots of different choirs out there

A history society, they often meet in pubs and have interesting members.

Why is monthly meetings a deal breaker? Stuff like book groups tend to be stable and long term, so monthly would be fine surely?

Last time I looked at the craft/knitting group avenue the members were all several decades older than you. Which might not be the kind of scenario that makes you feel you've found somewhere you fit in.

Photography club, crown green bowling?

I haven't yet found many running clubs that involve going for drinks after, though I've been signposted to one that does so I'm going to try that soon. I've also yet to try Parkrun, which is supposed to have a good social element though the size of it does scare me! I am planning to turn up and try it next weekend all the same.

Very helpful, thank you. Can I just say I love the idea of rickety stairs and generally poking about in churches, too.

Parkrun is a good idea. I assume you will be quite fast, so you could offer to volunteer after? That's a good way to meet the regular (ime very friendly) locals.
Usually there's a coffee and a breakfast somewhere afterwards.

Any amateur dramatics groups near you? Particularly if you want to do some of the backstage stuff.

What do you mean by “alternative’? And what do you view as too ‘conventional’ — what was the lack of commonality in the people in the choir?

@Tokek careful what you wish for !! It’s a hobby which you get as much out of, as you are willing to put in. It keeps you mentally and physically healthy.
Go and give it a try, you’ve nothing to lose!

I ask because when I tried bellringing, when I lived in a village in the Midlands, the other bellringers were, to a man and woman, sixtysomething Tory Brexiteers.

I did briefly go to a craft group before they changed the night, that one had a much younger reach.

I just don't think monthly really enables getting to know people. Maybe at a very snail like pace, but I can just imagine a scenario whereby you meet someone you seem to connect with, then you can't make the next one, then they're not at the next. It seems like there's real potential for all sorts of almost-beens, like with the ad hoc Meetup groups.

What about a yoga group, as that will probably suit your rest days and help you recover from the running?
Litter picking/environmental group?
Book club?

@Tokek agree, friendships are much easier to make when you see people weekly (or more). Plus you get into the he habit of going and are more likely to feel
comfortable at a group quickly. I find it too easy to forget or put off monthly activities, and before you know it, you haven’t been for 12 weeks and you’re back to square one.