Where can an alternative 40 something make friends?

[Tokek]

Hello!

I moved to my current city nearly two years ago with my partner, and having lived all over the country I have never struggled to make friends as much as I have here. I have already tried a number of groups, most of which haven't had the social element I've been looking for, and as such I'm making one last attempt at casting the net to see if there might be any obscure interest groups I could be missing.

What I've been looking for is the kind of hobby that attracts alternative, maybe neurodiverse people, and that both meets regularly (at least every two weeks), at the same time each week or fortnight and involves a social element. By this I mean either the hobby involves sitting around a table and chatting over the activity, or else people stay for a drink/go to a pub or cafe afterwards.

It is really astonishing how few groups seem to meet all three criteria, let alone attracting my fellow oddballs too! I'll go into things I have tried or considered below, which will probably come across as moany but will hopefully give some perspective:

Anything too sporty or vigorous is out as I'm marathon training so need to rest physically on my off days. Meetup has some nice groups, but very few are based around meeting at the same time each week/fortnight meaning that you go to one event and meet some nice people but it's pot luck as to whether you'll see them again. I have been in a choir previously, but found most people a bit conventional for me (absolutely no judgement, there just wasn't a lot of commonality). Would love to find a drawing group, but there's nothing regular in my area. Have also tried the WI but the two groups near me don't have particularly regular events between the monthly meets. I'm also not keen on Bumble BFF as I find a lot of friendships that start off without unplanned interactions peter out quickly. Volunteering, I can't find any you can do in the evening in my area that looks like you'd be able to chat to other volunteers whilst on shift. Some people have suggested board game groups, but I don't like board games enough.

Is there anything at all I could be missing? Aside from the above, I will consider any hobbies that might have a chance of yielding a social circle!

Apologies for the moan, this is me trying my hardest to turn things around.

Your local wildlife trust will deffo run volunteer work parties- the vols
make us most of their work force! Otherwise depending on where you are- TCV, RSPB, your local park, ramblers groups do path maintenance days, your local council, if you have a natural England nnr, Just give a few of them a ring and I’m sure they’d be able to point you in the right direction. Are you wanting to meet people your own age? If so the weekend or evening sessions would be best. Have you heard of good gym- that might be up your street if you’re a runner. Weekly running sessions where you run to do a good deed together (maybe after you marathon!).

I think taking the bull by the horns is your key to this. The hobby is irrelevant, join something you enjoy and identify someone who you think seems like they'd fit your tribe. Then just ask if they'd fancy going for a drink after. I've met several friends this way - or at least, I've been on the receiving end. I'm the same age as you and very shy, one of my friends actually said she felt like she was grooming me to get me agree to a drink. But I think lots of women in this age bracket would be happy to be asked to do something social after a hobby activity, it's lovely and confidence boosting to be invited.

I have tried the Ramblers and I'll probably go again, but with race training I don't have a lot of time for hiking currently. Plus I find Ramblers a bit like the monthly or ad hoc groups - people tend to turn up less regularly as a whole day per week is a lot, so I find the same issue with having nice chats with people then not seeing them again.

It's definitely hard when you're "between ages" (one of the craft groups I tried run by a younger woman was full of twentysomethings). It's something my similar aged friends without kids and I talk about a lot, not least because there really aren't that few of us. One in five women born in the sixties never gave birth, and I'd imagine the number may be even higher for those born in the eighties. So why can't we find each other? (Disclaimer: as an alternative/probably neurodiverse person 3/4 of my friends do not have children, sadly very few are in my current area!)

Could you start your own group on Meetup, it is quite cheap and easy. I did this (book group)

You could switch one of your medium run days for orienteering running. They're normally up for going to the pub. Underwater hockey is mostly 30-50 and low impact so can be done as cross training. Mr local open water swimming group goes to the pub after, but British ones sound a bit more remote. Several of my target oddball friends do various types of mediaeval sword fighting. Japanese drumming taiko and capoeira are popular too.

Is there a Sunday Assembly nearby? They usually have a great mix of people and events https://www.sundayassembly.org/map

It wasn't cheap when I looked, I think it started at close to a hundred quid for six months! If I knew more people here I'd see if anyone wanted to co-run one, but that's a bit chicken and egg.

I have also been on the receiving end and it's lovely, I'm just a bit too scared to do it myself currently!

Pole fitness? It doesn't necessarily meet all your criteria (the sitting chatting round a table/going to the pub after, or not being active) BUT I find it really sociable in class as there's lots of chatting, and if you choose the right sort of class there are often regular nights out. It's also weight training rather than cardio, and you can take it as easy as you want in my experience.

Definitely attracts alternative/ND people, and there's a real mix of ages in my class, from mid 20s to late 40s. Age is also irrelevant, I wouldn't have guessed some of the girls were in their 40s when we started, everyone just chats. Not everyone is CF, but anyone who has kids rarely talks about them (maybe the kind of woman it attracts? Not your classic mumsy type).

Cons - it is expensive! But great fun

Interesting, I would never have expected it to be full of alternative people. I may be a little too clumsy, but I'll have a look anyway.

The one near me only runs bi monthly! So not really the church like setup the main organisation talks about.

It's hard to know what you mean by 'alternative' and equally what you mean by 'conventional' with regards to your previous choir.

Am-dram attracts a lot of quirky personalities and there are plenty of roles which don't involve performance if that isn't your thing.

There are quite a few unconventional choirs out there.

Do you have a faith?

Is a Hash House Harriers group in your area? They describe themselves as a drinking club with a running problem. The one in Newcastle starts and ends in a pub and the members go in for drinks afterwards. I’d guess the others follow a similar format.

I asked the OP his earlier on, but she didn’t reply — I agree.

My own experience of bellringing was populated entirely by white, 60something Brexit-voting Tories. I don’t particularly class myself as in any way ‘alternative’, but in that context, as a foreign, left-leaning, bookish WOHM who didn’t drive and cycled everywhere, and had one child by choice, I was not just alternative, I was deeply suspicious.

It was a shame they were so rattled by the existence of someone different (I was polite and friendly, but in my third week, when I said I couldn’t come to the pub afterwards because my babysitter needed to leave earlier than usual, two of the men said ‘Phew!’ discreetly to one another) because I enjoyed the bellringing.

You raise a fair point. I suppose by "alternative" I mean into underground bands, arty films, leftie talks and lectures, having conversations about various social and environmental justice issues and having conversations involving making lists of stuff (probably ASC). As well as having a strong sense of the ridiculous/surreal. By "conventional", I mean having a social life that mostly revolves around brunch and cocktail bars, discussing what people are going to wear on a night out and having a bit of a career vs kids mindset (as opposed to thinking that maybe outside interests really, really matter too).

I hope that doesn't sound judgemental by the way, or as if I'm suggesting that "conventional" people don't have deep conversations - of course I don't think that, it's more that I notice a lot of "lighter" conversations tend to involve discussions about night out attire and Love Island and it just doesn't interest me. (My lighter discussions tend to be based around bad puns, great basslines and wholesome comedy programmes.)

Thank you for those suggestions, the am dram idea does sound interesting if you don't have to perform. I wonder what sorts of choirs tend to be more offbeat? I'm considering Sacred Harp, as I think that is more folksy.

I am not religious no.

I did look them up, but they run on Mondays which is my non negotiable rest day. Maybe I could try outside of marathon training, however.

Yeah that was judgmental...
Maybe work on that.

Oh I must have missed you asking, sorry!

Sad to hear your bell ringing experience wasn't positive. I wonder how much the demographic varies, I hear caving (another hobby I have considered) can run from being groups of old men to a real mix of ages and genders.

Well, you did ask.

That helps!

Does your city have a university? Sometimes the societies open up events to members of the public. What about an arthouse cinema? If you have an Everyman near you they often have events.

Our local library has 'silent reading' sessions where you can take your book to read in companionable silence in the cafe, and then stay on if you want to talk to others.

In terms of unconventional choirs, my very alternative lesbian friend has found a lovely niche tribe in an a cappella choir.

How political are you? Local Greens maybe? Greenpeace or other environmental action groups?

LARPing? Historical re-enactment?

You sound quite a lot like me OP, except that I have kids.
I made so many longterm friends through being involved with Extinction Rebellion. It's all quietened down a bit now, but so many of the same people are involved in local campaigns, the Transition Towns movement, tree planting etc etc. I bet there's something going on like that wherever you are.

I also cemented a lot of friendships through canvassing for the Labour Party- and of course there's going to be an election this year, if any of the political parties inspire you sufficiently.

One more thought - a (different) 'alternative' friend volunteers as an appropriate adult. It can be quite emotionally gruelling at times but she finds it very rewarding and it might appeal to your social justice interests. She made some good friends via the training.

I came here to suggest bellringing as well. It ticks a lot of boxes.

I learned to ring one year ago. I have met lots of people, spent more time than I otherwise would in bell towers and pubs, and learned a cool niche new skill, lots of other pluses. I’m really glad I gave it a go.

Like @Alphabet1spaghetti2 I am happy to help you try to track down a tower to get started in. Or to have some general bell ringing chat. I wonder if there are many/any other bellringers on MN, maybe we could start a thread?

Hash House Harriers usually do (shorter) walking as well as running trails if you don't want to get too physical. Just check with the local group.

If you're interested in good food I would check if there's a local chapter of Slow Food nearby. Meetings tend more toward the monthly (sorry) but with fairly stable membership, and often involve cooking & eating or sometimes field trips to interesting producers/farmers/fairs. So plenty of opportunity for socializing. Pretty good mix of age groups and sexes ime.

https://www.slowfood.org.uk/

That would be amazing thank you, would definitely be up for a chat about it. :)