Thread for the undecided

[BeverlyToegold]

A thread for anyone without children who's not sure if they want that to be permanent.

I vacillate between being entirely content with a childfree future, and my biological clock screaming in my ear. I'm in my early thirties and happily single, and I feel if I do want a dc I need to start planning for that. But I'm not completely sure if I want a child, or if I'd be a good mother! 🤷

Any other fence sitters want to chat?

Oh me please. Weirdly when I started posting on this forum I was aggressively CF, but I dunno... 33 years old, recently married, both sets of sibling-in-laws have just had babies (one of who was also very very happily CF, allegedly). Having a wobble frequently at the moment, but honestly I don't really like children!

At 44, I'm definitely on the childfree side of the fence now, but I spent MANY years agonising about whether to have children. Part of me absolutely longed for a baby, a bigger part of me knew I just wouldn't cope very well.

I came on to say that feeling ambiguous about kids is very common indeed. We don't talk about it enough! It's a huge, irreversible decision. There are endless messages from society telling you it's the only way you can be happy as a woman. So don't underestimate all of that.

@Lottapianos Thanks, for me I'm definitely feeling the societal pressure now. In my 20s I was conscious of it but it honestly didn't affect me. Now I feel I can't ignore it in the same way. I don't feel it's a 'biological clock' as such, I think it's fully societal expectations for me.

I have a big overseas holiday booked for spring and I have another couple of long-haul destinations I really want to visit, and while it would be possible to take a child there, I wouldn't want to (not because of safety etc, just because it's too much effort and would change the trip). So even if I ultimately decide to try for a baby, it won't be until at least 2025. So why can't I stop worrying about it?!

'So why can't I stop worrying about it?!'

I hear you! There were some days when babies were all I could think about, it was like an obsession. It was like a question I was desperate to answer

Interesting that you feel it's all about societal expectations for you. It can be a very lonely place not having children, especially when you're in the early days of making the decision. My advice would be to look out for other women who are childfree, whether that's famous women / public figures or women in your own life. It's SO important to find a 'tribe' of women who are also childfree - it normalises the decision and gives it validity in your own head. Don't underestimate how powerful the social conditioning is. It can make it so difficult to separate out what you ACTUALLY want from what you're told you 'should' want

I guess I'm saying that the struggle is 'normal', and you're not alone with it

@Lottapianos It's SO important to find a 'tribe' of women who are also childfree - it normalises the decision and gives it validity in your own head.

Absolutely, I think the reason this has come to a head for me is (along with getting married this year) that most of the women in my life who I thought were CF have conceived this year. It feels like everyone , it's a bit chicken and egg - am I seeing babies everywhere because they are everywhere, or am I seeing them everywhere because it's haunting me? I just feel I've lost a lot of allies recently. It also makes you feel a bit stupid, thinking they were on the same page and now I'm 'left behind'?

Oh it's really gutting when someone you thought was childfree gets pregnant. And you're 'supposed' to be happy for them but it's just way more complex than that. I completely get that feeling that everyone in the world is pregnant or has a baby, except you! It does feel like there's a big party going on but your invitation has got lost in the post 😔

I’m waving in solidarity over here as well 👋

I’m just really not sure whether I want children, and like previous posters, it just seems to be a big question in my head that I keep searching for an answer to. Sometimes I think I’ve made a decision (be that one way or the other), and then I’ll change my mind again. And I just keep flip flopping back and forth. It’s exhausting.

I know the most logical decision for me is to remain childfree, as I love the freedom and choice that gives me in my own life. But when I see other people my age having babies, it does make me question my decision and then I start turning it all over in my mind again.

I just don’t want to have any regrets either way. It’s a tough choice and I’m hoping I’ll gain some clarity in the next year or so.

Oh I'm so with you on this. I know I would really struggle with having a child, rationally I don't want one and my life is so much better without them (I think I'd find it very difficult to cope) but there's still that slight thing in the back of my mind about it..

I'm getting my amh test done soon so I know where I stand either way.. I suppose it'll give me an idea of things and if I have time to decide (I'm 36)

Just turned 35 and all of a sudden it’s hit me that for me, it’s now or never. I feel a bit cagey about kids now, I don’t want to hear about people being pregnant because I don’t want to question my decision on being child free. I love being alone but also worry that I will end up really alone if something happens to my dh. The thought of raising kids in this world scares me. I know I would love a baby more than life itself but I know how hard it would be to work and raise children.
Pleased to have found this thread tonight.

I wish we all had crystal balls to try out different futures🔮

I know I have an idealised picture of motherhood, where my child is easy and lovely and I'm a natural at raising them and money/work/childcare all fall magically into place. But I really don't know what's realistic for me, specifically. If I'm honest I think I'd probably struggle (unless that's too pessimistic? or is thinking that naive? what if, what if...) But for years all I wanted was a baby, and I don't know how to let go of that.

I had therapy to help me unpick my feelings around this. It is indeed a very lonely place.

I even had a woman acquaintance once talk to me about it all in depth as a fellow child-free person. Im fairly open and I thought she was too. Turns out she had fertility struggles for years. She did get pregnant in the end. I felt really quite used in a way. Clearly she wasn't in a good place but it upset me for a long time that did.

I realised I was just feeling societal pressure and I'm a conformist. But actually I didn't want children deep down. I've since had my ovaries removed (for medical reasons) so now the choice has been taken away and I've felt nothing but relief since.

I was resolutely child free until I was 38, my biological clock won and we had DS. He actually is an easy and lovely child so motherhood has been far far easier than I thought it would be. I would love to say that money fell into place, but it didn’t (and hasn’t!) but we muddle along fine and no one goes without. I got to the point where I could see 40 looming and I guess DH and I had a panicked ‘now or never moment’ and realised we would regret not at least trying - that’s totally personal to us though, others in that position might have seen 40 looming and though ‘phew we’ve got away without being parents’

You are still young enough to sit on the decision for a few more years, although if you want the matter resolved in your own mind, as a previous poster said, therapy might be a good way of exploring what you want long term.

Hello, fellow fence sitters!

It's a hard place to be- and lonely.
I absolutely wanted children in my last long term relationship and we went through tests during Covid, which was stressful particularly as so many friends were successful in starting families.

I started to look into being childless/childfree in case a family wasn't an option- and because I wanted to be able to frame it as an option, not something I was forced into (although really it was acknowledging I had no power or control as to what happened). It was male factor infertility, by the way.

That relationship ended horribly a couple of years ago and I've since met a lovely guy who I've been with for 18 months, who would like to have children.
I know a huge part of me wants to have a baby/be a mother still, but I also feel I've learned so much since my original time of TTC and can now appreciate my freedom, independence etc in a way I really didn't when in early 30s and ttc.

And now I'm 36 and don't have much time to fence sit.

It feels really unfair how age/biology forces women to make decisions. I know it's just a fact, but I do feel cross my entire 30s and late 20s were dominated by enormous external and internal pressure to be a mother and now I'm in a place where in an ideal world I would like to shelve this decision for a couple of years and enjoy life, but that would be dangerous because of fertility dropping off.

Also, I've researched egg freezing (amazing the number of people who suggested it when my marriage broke down!) and it looks like I am already too old for it to be worthwhile, so not going to waste my money on something so unreliable.

Life is strange.

I was a wobbler, then i had one. DC now 5.
They become your whole world. Every time they get hurt or fall over your nerves are shredded. They want everything you have always, your time, your dinner, your bed.
Thinking about war, Israel / Ukraine makes you feel sick because of the world you've brought them into. Climate change, microplastics, childhood cancer plague your mind. Other mums are hard work but you have to put yourself into awkward social situations to aid your child's relationships with other kids. Parenthood is the ultimate strain on your romantic relationship.
Finances are obliterated.
Given all that (and a lot more) i would do it again in a heartbeat but it's hands-down the hardest thing I've ever done.
In a parallel universe i'm holidaying in Mauritius with a cocktail in my hand.

I hope I'm not being intrusive, but I'm posting from beyond the crystal ball, as it were, and have two grown up children (and a grandchild).
I absolutely didn't want children all through my teens and early 20s. DH married me knowing this although he was mildly in favour of children; happily more in favour of me.
I gradually became less totally "anti" and when my SiL became pregnant, I thought we might give it a try. I know that sounds horribly casual, but it's how it was.
We decided that if it turned out we had difficulties we wouldn't go down the IVF/adoption routes. We'd just have a much better lifestyle as regards holidays, going out etc
As it transpired, I had no difficulty getting pregnant. I was pleased but didn't feel the immediate connection with the foetus that others describe. It's hard to know how I would actually have felt if I'd miscarried, but my feeling was that I'd have been disappointed but not devastated.
When I had my first DC, it was love at first sight.
Same thing pretty much with the second DC - no huge connection during pregnancy, but I worried less about it because I was sure the same thing would happen again - and, luckily, it did!

I'm still not over keen on other people's children (some are better than others) and if we hadn't been almost the first of our friends and family to have children (there's only two months between SiL's first baby and mine), I'm not at all sure I'd have had one. They all seemed to make bloody heavy weather of it.

I can still see that you can have a really nice life without DCs. Obviously, I can't imagine life without mine, but that's because I've "met" them, as it were.
If I hadn't, I'd have be happily having lots of exotic holidays (and probably Botox ) and it would have been fine, just different.
I also think that, if you have a partner, a happy relationship with them is at least as important as having DCs.
If things go to plan, the children will leave home; the partner stays.

Actually, I'm now feeling a bit bad, because - on re-reading the thread - it strikes me that you probably wanted to hear from people still on the fence, not those who've climbed/awkwardly scrambled/accidentally fallen over it.
I think I just wanted to say that, despite having children and being very happy with that, I don't think my life would have been any worse without hypothetical children, just different.
Now I know them, my life would be immeasurably worse without them, but that's the same with any very strong relationship.

@LaMarschallin I personally found your post (and @stonedaisy ) interesting.

Particularly about how you were the first of your friends to have children and you're not sure how it would have gone if you'd seen other friends have them first.
That's one of the key differences for me between now when I'm less certain and when I was younger and had no doubts it was for me.

The thing of relationships with partners suffering/being under strain is one of my key concerns. But then I also can see that my current partner would be a much better father /partner in that way than my ex husband was. Gah it's so complicated!

@LaMarschallin thank you for your self-awareness. I'm going to try not to be an arsehole, but your post (and the other parents') is nothing we haven't heard a million times before - it's really hard, but oh you wouldn't change it for the world as it was so worth it - but if you hadn't had them you'd make up for it with exotic holidays, tinkly laugh! (almost as though our life is a consolation prize) and other self-indulgent things, even though lots of CF women are single and/or quite skint. You're not really posting from the other side of the crystal ball, you can't possibly know what life would have been like if you'd remained CF. I honestly don't mean to be rude, but it's not that helpful.

Today on social media a woman I know posted that it's her proudest moment ever as a parent because her eldest son showed a tiny amount of kindness to her youngest, and all her hard work has paid off.. This was literally framed as the best moment of her life. I understand how important being a parent is, but if that's as good as it gets... 😬

@stonedaisy Thank you for sharing from the other side of the fence. That’s really interesting.

One thing that currently puts me off having children is the way the world is nowadays - as you mentioned, climate change really concerns me and I think I’d be frightened for my future children and how their life would play out for them.

From other threads/forums I’ve read, the general consensus seems to be that there are always bad things going on in the world - wars, poverty, political problems etc, and I can see it from that side too. I think my natural tendency is to worry about things, and I think if I did have a child I would find it difficult to shake these worries off. Which might seem mad and crazy to some people, as we don’t know what the world is going to be like in 50 years (and it maybe better than it is now!) but it is a genuine factor that plays into my decision.

I agree with a PP. I spent most of my teens and twenties trying not to get pregnant, condoms, pill and MAP. Just before my thirties my biological clock kicked in and I sort of did want children but the mean I was with then wasn’t father material at all. He did say we could have a baby together and if we broke up he’d support me, but I thought he’d probably be not nice so declined that offer! I was then single and met someone I got engaged to I early 30s, again some of that was right rest not and I really wasn’t sure about having kids with him.

My DM was a single mum and I’ve known other single mums and it’s hard, so I’d have preferred a partner, preferably marriage. I did check my fertility and when I “could” get pregnant all through my 30s and 40s and even froze my eggs but I don’t think I really wanted a child, maybe adopting would’ve been an issue. I had the house and even money and income. Another thing which put me off having babies young was my best friend had 2 children at 18 and 20 and told me she regretted doing this so young. They’re grown ups with their own children but she went without food sometimes to feed them and one love of her life was put off committing to her by his family because he’d have to take on her kids, after they broke up a year later he went back but too little too late.

I’ll give an example which might be relevant to you OP. My SIL’s cousin is your age and was going to go alone with a sperm donor until she recently met her boyfriend and father to her DC due next February. She does have family support (boyfriend’s family in USA) and a career and flat. But she was prepared and saved for sperm donor otherwise.

@Possimpible I hear you loud and clear!

As a woman in her 50s who has had children, all I can say is that the biggest regret my friends in their 60s and 70s have is being child free. They don't regret not marrying or cohabiting, but all of them wish, in hindsight, they'd had a child.

The problem is, if you do have a child and change your mind, you can't take them back and ask for a refund!

I love my DC to the ends of the earth but have to say that I've never been so lonely as I am now. They're adults, one I've not seen for almost 4yrs and has vanished. I'm single. Christmas is here and I'm on my own again. But, they are the one and only achievement in my life that I am so very proud of.

Possimpible

it's really hard, but oh you wouldn't change it for the world as it was so worth it - but if you hadn't had them you'd make up for it with exotic holidays, tinkly laugh! (almost as though our life is a consolation prize)

I'm really sorry - I did realise I was probably sticking my beak in inappropriately after I reread the thread.

However, I honestly didn't mean to make to make your lives sound like a consolation prize.
I absolutely meant that I would have been equally fulfilled and happy living a child free life as I've been having children.
A bit like you can be very happy with a partner once you've met them and got to know them, but might have equally happy with another, completely different one but you just never came across them.
One of my children has a baby, the other is happily and intentionally child free. I still get people suggesting that she's pretending she doesn't want a baby because they're "having difficulties": absolutely not the case.
I certainly didn't bang on about how it was so worth it etc
I have great sympathy with people who have fertility troubles, but - for me - being child free would have been an equally valid choice.
I am very sorry if it came across as if accompanied by a <tinkly laugh> - I can assure you I've never done one of those in my life.
Obviously, I'll stay away from this thread now and my deepest apologies to anyone I've upset.
Hope you all have a happy Christmas.

@LaMarschallin as I say, I appreciate your self-awareness and you don't need to apologise but thank you anyway. I do understand where you're coming from, but I'm now bracing myself for the onslaught of parents telling us we'll regret it if we don't! (Look at that, it's already started..!)

but I'm now bracing myself for the onslaught of parents telling us we'll regret it if we don't! (Look at that, it's already started..!)

Yes, that made me wince.
Absolutely last word, cross my heart, is that I don't see why you'd necessarily regret it.
As I said, if I'd waited until I knew more people with children before I had mine, I actually don't think I'd have wanted children and I can quite understand others not wanting them.
Mine are okay because I was lucky that they were healthy and I could bring them up the way I wanted them.
I know a couple of people whose lives have been wrecked by having them for various reasons.