Childfree: ever felt the 'biological clock' despite NOT wanting kids?

[TedMullins]

This is a weird one. I've never wanted kids, ever since I was a child myself. I've always been very vehement about it, I can only think of negatives about parenting at any stage, I don't want to change my indulgent lifestyle, I like and need sleep more than the average person (mild to moderate CFS) I've never found babies or toddlers cute and still don't, I've had an accidental pregnancy and had an abortion with absolutely no regrets (and still no regrets, just relief 10 years down the line). When I see friends announce a pregnancy or talk about their parenthood experiences the only emotion I feel is "thank the lord that isn't me". There are absolutely NO pangs of anything except abject terror. I could go on.

So, WHY do I feel like my womb is trying to trick me into thinking I want kids? I'm 34, so I guess it's the prime time for it to kick in, but for the first time in my life I get a few days to a week during my cycle when I have this weird feeling. Let me reiterate – on an emotional, rational, practical level, I absolutely DO NOT want kids. I'm as certain as I can be that I'd regret it. But I get this feeling that I can only describe as emanating directly from my uterus, it's like it takes over my brain and tries to dull and soften those feelings and think 'maybe it wouldn't be that bad' and it's like my uterus just physically wants to be growing a human? I don't know how else to articulate it. It's freaking me out and I don't like it. I'm starting to think the only solution is to try and get sterilised to stop be doing something I know I'd regret (sterilisation is something I've thought about since my 20s but not actively pursued due to all the stories of women being turned down).

How can I deal with this? I don't want kids! I feel like I don't even want my womb at the moment as it's messing with my head. Anyone else had this weird duality going on?

@TedMullins , I've been the exact same as you, never wanted children from being a child myself. Had an accidental pregnancy at 38 that messed with my mind for a bit but ended in an early miscarriage and there was a little bit of sadness but mostly relief.

Then, all fine till I got to about 43 and my brain/hormones went "ooh maybe I should have a baby", assume because I was in the last chance saloon. Anyway, rational brain took over and I sponsored a little girl in Bangladesh. It was bizarre but as soon as I was sent a photo of her the broodiness stopped 🤷. It sounds so weird, I'll never meet her but my brain/hormones were happy with this.

Not suggesting my solution for anyone else as we're all so different but it worked for me.

Absolutely!

I always knew I didn't want kids, from being a young teenager. DH and I agreed no kids when we first got serious. We were happily childfree for years then suddenly at 37 I got horrendously broody.

I joined MN partly to explore my feelings.

When I told DH he was horrified, and it was quite difficult for a while. Luckily I retained enough sense not to leave! He eventually agreed to try with some caveats. It didn't happen straight away and then almost as suddenly as they arrived those feelings disappeared, and now I am pretty happy about our child free status.

Hormones plus, Fomo and a fear of making such a massive decision permanently are powerful!

This happened to me once and it wasn’t biological clock but down to coming off the pill after 10 years in late 20s. Lasted a few months, felt insane, then things settled down and still happily child free 15 years later. I’d have been devastated if I’d acted on it as it was a temporary hormone driven thing.

What does this "broodiness" feel like?

'What does this "broodiness" feel like?'

For me, it was a physical ache, a deep longing to have and hold and feed and nurture a baby. I was obsessed with thinking about it. I was extremely envious of pregnant women and mums and found it difficult to be around them. I really did feel like I was going mad and it was bloody difficult to hold on to the rational part of me that knew parenthood was not the right answer. I was also working with kids and parents at the time, and that was torture!

I’ve tried to make myself feel like that occasionally, just out of curiosity really to see if I could.

‘Oh look, there’s a mum with a new baby, imagine if…’

‘Right, I’m on the verge of peri, this is my last chance to be a mum…’

The answer from my brain is always ‘Nah.’

'The answer from my brain is always ‘Nah.’'

Lucky you 😁 it's a really good thing to question your choices from time to time, but how great to have such a clear answer!

That’s what I thought! .

Obviously completely different when it comes to cats.

It’s not as visceral as that! I still feel “I’m glad that isn’t me” when I see people with babies. I guess there is an element of feeling like my body kind of wants to physically grow a baby, but me as a person/my consciousness doesn’t want that. If I was told I was infertile I’d just feel relieved.

yep, same

though with a kitten i can tell myself - i can get one when i am very old and partner (allergic to cats) has died, as men generally go first.

Kittens are not a time sensitive thing!

(i very occasionally think "it may not be too bad to have a kid, say if i was suddenly given my nephew to look after, but he is 11ish and plays computer games so it would be fun (bar the sadness over death of his mum/my sister part)

I have one child and was very much 'one and done' but went through this in my late 30s/early 40s when people around me were having a second and third. It was difficult to understand because I absolutely knew I didn't want another baby and actually the thing that helped me was imagining the practicalities of what my life would be like if I did give in to the urge. I think hormones and the knowledge that the door is closing on the decision being an option going forward are to blame. Now I'm in my mid 40s it has completely gone away, even though theoretically I could still get pregnant. You sound very confident in your decision so just ride it out.

I've never felt that. Thank you for describing it. Without experiencing it, I had no idea what other women were talking about.

Thanks @VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia . It's an intensely personal thing and like any emotional experience, it's different for all of us

after the first few intense years are over, you have more chance to be yourself not too tied down in the domestic drudgery

Hahaha!! Really not selling it.

My brush with broodiness came in 2 very separate stages. In my mid 30s the brain bit fired and I had a brief period of being desperately, sobbing-on-the-bed kitten- broody (love that phrase, although in my case it was not for kittens specifically - anything small and furry, rat, baby gorilla, whatever; but not a human baby, they are too bald). Got some guinea pigs and it instantly went away. Then in my mid 40s, a couple of years before any other hints of menopause stated to lurk on the horizon, the body part of the clock went nuts and wanted All The Sex during my fertile week of the month. But with absolutely no accompanying 'want a baby' (or guinea pig) thoughts.

Too bald 😂😂😂 fully agree, i much prefer furry animal babies. I feel like my womb just wants to be put to use. Like if it could be pregnant for a bit without a resulting baby maybe that would solve it? (Obviously not going to do anything like this don’t worry everyone!) The feeling is wearing off now I’ve got my period. It’s just very tedious to have to deal with this weird hormonal brainwashing every month.

Yes I used to get that, when I was younger for a few days mid cycle, and then again especially strongly around age 40 and I even TTC. And now, I couldn't be happier that TTC didn't work.

I did already have older children, who I'd had to raise alone, and I knew the reality and that the thought of trying to do the school run and all the work involved every day for years, on not enough sleep, was an overwhelming thought, but it was an overwhelming urge.

Once I was firmly into peri menopause it went away.

It is crazy what our hormones can do to us, wherever they emanate from.

Just don't give into it! You know what you want and don't want and don't let your body trick you.....because it can also trick you into thinking it's a safe time when it's not.

I know just what you mean. It's like an intrusive thought... I'll be reading something about fertility (often on MN) and suddenly think oh my god, if I don't have a baby now it might be too late. Even though having a baby is about as appealing as eating a live hedgehog.

Hormones are powerful things. Luckily our brains (well, most people's brains...) are even more power. That overwhelming love for a kid that parents bang on about? Just hormones.

I know just what you mean. It's like an intrusive thought... I'll be reading something about fertility (often on MN) and suddenly think oh my god, if I don't have a baby now it might be too late. Even though having a baby is about as appealing as eating a live hedgehog

Had this in peri. Luckily it lasted for about 10 minutes before the rational part of my brain kicked in and asked me exactly what I'd do with a baby if I had one.

I know just what you mean. It's like an intrusive thought..

Yes! I said on page 1 that it felt like the urge to jump off a building or do bad stuff with knives - the fact that I liken it to those thoughts tells me all I need to know about whether or not it was sensible to act on it (when I still could - no uterus now).

Also HARD AGREE on the baldness thing. I think it’s why I don’t find babies cute - no fur or feathers.

Nothing is cuter than a pair of kittens. Seriously.