How to accept that I probably won't have children?

PinkLongJohns · 2023-07-05T22:10:07+00:00

I've always wanted children, but I've never met the right man. I'm 37 now. Every man I click with either has kids, or doesn't want any. The chances of me meeting the right man in enough time seems unlikely now... I don't want to be a single parent, adopt, or have IVF. Anyway, how can I make peace with this? Please convince me that it will be a blessing in disguise!

tableofjelly · 05/07/2023 23:19

Make sure you've considered all options and don't later regret not considering all your option, once they've gone.

You can freeze your eggs. It's not that bad. Take some a few minor injections for a couple of weeks, undergo a minor hospital procedure, freeze the eggs. Once you're too old to do this, it's too late, and you'll not get the chance again.

Just in case you meet someone in a couple of years who you're head over heals with and would love to have kids with, this will give you that option.

KimberleyClark · 05/07/2023 23:56

People suggest egg freezing as though it’s a sure fire way of having a child when you want. But in truth unless you do it before the age of 35 it’s not really worth doing at all.

OP you do still have time to meet someone.

Glendaruel · 06/07/2023 00:02

Sometimes life is funny. I always wanted a family but didn't meet mr right. As I got older I finally became more content in myself. I decided to try and accept children weren't going to happen. At 39, I went on an internet date with someone who wasn't my type, but hey my type had not been leading to a good relationship, so thought I would give it ago. Well I'm 44, currently happily married to him and Mum to two. I think taking that conscious effort to be happy in yourself is first step. You don't know what will happen.

TrundleWheel76 · 06/07/2023 07:38

I met my OH at 37!!

Strawberriesandpears · 06/07/2023 09:33

@PinkLongJohns I am in a similar position. I'm one year younger and am in a new relationship but I really don't think we will have kids. We are both only children and I think I would feel guilty bring a child into such a lonely family set up (no cousins, aunties, uncles etc). Plus I would be worried about the risks of older parenthood. I don't think we would cope well, for example, with a child with special needs (especially if they were severe). And you have to think about the quality of life the child would have, of course.

I must admit, it is difficult. Whilst I have never really longed for children, I do think about what the rest of my life will look like without them.

I think all I can suggest to frame it more positively, is to consider that you do not know what alternative life you have possibly been 'saved' from. For example, you could have had a child which developed cancer, was involved in a terrible accident, your partner could have left you as struggling single mum etc. The reality of the life you ARE living could be far more positive than that with a child in it. You just don't know, because you are not on that path.

KimberleyClark · 06/07/2023 09:40

I think all I can suggest to frame it more positively, is to consider that you do not know what alternative life you have possibly been 'saved' from. For example, you could have had a child which developed cancer, was involved in a terrible accident, your partner could have left you as struggling single mum etc. The reality of the life you ARE living could be far more positive than that with a child in it. You just don't know, because you are not on that path.

I think this is wise advice. If you are not a mother but want to be it’s very easy to look at it through rose tinted glasses.

marblesthecat · 06/07/2023 09:50

I'll probably be flamed for this but honestly OP having kids is just a relentless thankless slog. Day after day of slaving after another person and listening to endless whining. Your body is affected, your sex life is affected, you have to do school runs and sort out endless life admin. You have to fight to keep your own identity, Sure there are nice parts (ie the parts I put on Facebook) but it's 95% just shit I don't want to do. I'd die for my DD and it's nothing personal against her but if I'd know what it was like I wouldn't have had her. I was desperate for a baby for years and then when I got what I wanted I realised I was not cut out for it. And realistically I have it quite easy compared to others - no SEN or health issues on her part, a supportive husband and a lot of family support. I feel so sorry for some posters on here when I read their stories.

You can enjoy your life and be free.

Mothersruin123 · 06/07/2023 13:01

I was 38 when I met my husband and had DD at 40 so not too late. I got a puppy when I was 37 which fulfilled my need to nurture something....he's still the most pleased to see me out of everyone when I get home 😂

Catsmere · 07/07/2023 03:44

KimberleyClark · 06/07/2023 09:40

I think all I can suggest to frame it more positively, is to consider that you do not know what alternative life you have possibly been 'saved' from. For example, you could have had a child which developed cancer, was involved in a terrible accident, your partner could have left you as struggling single mum etc. The reality of the life you ARE living could be far more positive than that with a child in it. You just don't know, because you are not on that path.

I think this is wise advice. If you are not a mother but want to be it’s very easy to look at it through rose tinted glasses.

Add to this you could have a child who grows up to be an appalling human being. My brother is one such. Violent alcoholic who broke my mother's jaw when he was in his twenties by pushing her through a plate glass door. Wasn't because he wasn't loved or cared for, either.

Catsmere · 07/07/2023 03:45

marblesthecat · 06/07/2023 09:50

I'll probably be flamed for this but honestly OP having kids is just a relentless thankless slog. Day after day of slaving after another person and listening to endless whining. Your body is affected, your sex life is affected, you have to do school runs and sort out endless life admin. You have to fight to keep your own identity, Sure there are nice parts (ie the parts I put on Facebook) but it's 95% just shit I don't want to do. I'd die for my DD and it's nothing personal against her but if I'd know what it was like I wouldn't have had her. I was desperate for a baby for years and then when I got what I wanted I realised I was not cut out for it. And realistically I have it quite easy compared to others - no SEN or health issues on her part, a supportive husband and a lot of family support. I feel so sorry for some posters on here when I read their stories.

You can enjoy your life and be free.

Well said!

ItsNotRocketSalad · 07/07/2023 12:01

What do you think children will bring to your life that you don't currently have?

TheLifeofMe · 07/07/2023 12:09

I’m sorry to hear you haven’t met the right man, but a lot of men around their 40s have already had a child or children and don’t want anymore. But my husband was in his 40s when I met him. We had our first child when I was 36 and he was 46. At first he didn’t want any more children but then he changed his mind and he dotes on our daughter. It may be worth freezing your eggs as you never know who you may meet in the future and they may well love the idea of kids.

snufkinhat · 07/07/2023 12:13

marblesthecat · 06/07/2023 09:50

I'll probably be flamed for this but honestly OP having kids is just a relentless thankless slog. Day after day of slaving after another person and listening to endless whining. Your body is affected, your sex life is affected, you have to do school runs and sort out endless life admin. You have to fight to keep your own identity, Sure there are nice parts (ie the parts I put on Facebook) but it's 95% just shit I don't want to do. I'd die for my DD and it's nothing personal against her but if I'd know what it was like I wouldn't have had her. I was desperate for a baby for years and then when I got what I wanted I realised I was not cut out for it. And realistically I have it quite easy compared to others - no SEN or health issues on her part, a supportive husband and a lot of family support. I feel so sorry for some posters on here when I read their stories.

You can enjoy your life and be free.

You really, really should keep thoughts like this to yourself.

It's about the least helpful thing you can possibly say to someone who desperately wants children.

YetiTeri · 07/07/2023 12:14

Coming to peace with it is the right mindset. Having children won't make you happy but not having them can make you unhappy.

Having a full life free of what is quite frankly drudgery, worry and expense could be truly wonderful but you have to jump at all the opportunities not focus on replacing like for close enough.

Walker13 · 07/07/2023 12:20

snufkinhat · 07/07/2023 12:13

You really, really should keep thoughts like this to yourself.

It's about the least helpful thing you can possibly say to someone who desperately wants children.

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I desperately would love to have children, and at 39 I’m not sure if it would happen. I found @marblesthecat post helpful in helping me rationalise my situation. It’s better to have to range of opinions and insights, rather than a censored echo chamber.

RoseBucket · 07/07/2023 12:27

snufkinhat · 07/07/2023 12:13

You really, really should keep thoughts like this to yourself.

It's about the least helpful thing you can possibly say to someone who desperately wants children.

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I know, I thought that! I remember my ‘mother’ saying very similar once to what was her only friend and unsurprisingly the friend lost tough. It was so short sighted.

RoseBucket · 07/07/2023 12:27

*touch

PinkFootstool · 07/07/2023 12:29

snufkinhat · 07/07/2023 12:13

You really, really should keep thoughts like this to yourself.

It's about the least helpful thing you can possibly say to someone who desperately wants children.

Show quote history

I disagree. I also desperately wanted children, but actually pragmatic non-smug posts like that were very helpful in my coming to come to terms with being childless, then learning to be childfree.

It's a huge psychological process OP.

DH is infertile and ICSI was proposed, but I couldn't cope with the idea of IVF when there is literally nothing wrong with my body. I was angry tbh - why should I have to go through a huge and invasive medical process which will likely fail (I was 39, so poor odds) and spend months processing it all plus in the end it would cost me more than I earn in a year....

So I have had to learn to be childless. We tried to adopt but were turned away because I have chronic migraine.

So fuck it. I'm 42, fat, able to do whatever the fuck I want when I want and I no longer cry at TV ads for babies. It's getting better as time passes, but I still can't hold a baby tbh.

YukoandHiro · 07/07/2023 12:29

Lots of good advice on here. I would say that focusing on the fact that every Avenue has massive compromises will help.
I have two children, glad I did and looking forward to seeing them growing into aunts, but I was very very naive about the relentlessness and tedium of it and I really underestimated how badly it would damage my career prospects, earning power and relationship. And sense of self. And body. (I had two v bad pregnancies that have left me with life long risk of serious illness).
Basically I feel like I was a fun, ambitious, intelligent person til I had kids and now I'm a good enough mum but shit at everything else now and am worn to a husk at the end of every day.
So yes there are huge disappointments about not having children and it's emotionally hard. But there's a big sense of life slipping by you very fast as you wipe another potty and fill another dishwasher when you have children. By the time mine leave home I'll be almost 60 and may not have the health to do the things I am missing now 🤷🏻‍♀️

YukoandHiro · 07/07/2023 12:30

*growing into adults.

I do have two DDs so maybe aunts too 😂

YetiTeri · 07/07/2023 12:31

@RoseBucket my mother said a similar thing once and I heard. I remember being really hurt. But now I'm a mother I completely understand what she meant and love her even more. I think we should talk about it more and be honest.

ItsNotRocketSalad · 07/07/2023 12:32

RoseBucket · 07/07/2023 12:27

I know, I thought that! I remember my ‘mother’ saying very similar once to what was her only friend and unsurprisingly the friend lost tough. It was so short sighted.

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Did your "mother's" friend ask your "mother" to tell her why not having children was a blessing in disguise?

LadyJ2023 · 07/07/2023 12:32

Don't give up. I met my now hubby at 37 and am now 39 and now have 3 children twins and a single and a very happy bunny. My brother got married recently his wife is 45 and there expecting there first also

Summer2424 · 07/07/2023 12:36

Hi @PinkLongJohns pls don't give up xx
I met my husband at 40 yrs old and had my first baby at 41 yrs old.
Prior to this i had 4 long term relationships all of whom just wasted my time.
You will get there, pls don't give up xx

KimberleyClark · 07/07/2023 12:38

snufkinhat · 07/07/2023 12:13

You really, really should keep thoughts like this to yourself.

It's about the least helpful thing you can possibly say to someone who desperately wants children.

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I disagree. I deeply appreciate honesty like this. When I was ttc in the 90s no one was honest like this. Having children is not all sunshine and rainbows and parents should stop pretending it is.