How to accept that I probably won't have children?

[PinkLongJohns]

I've always wanted children, but I've never met the right man.

I'm 37 now. Every man I click with either has kids, or doesn't want any. The chances of me meeting the right man in enough time seems unlikely now... I don't want to be a single parent, adopt, or have IVF.

Anyway, how can I make peace with this? Please convince me that it will be a blessing in disguise!

I don’t think you can, you just learn to live with it.

I wouldn’t write yourself off at 37. I met someone and had a child after that age.

I have two friends now, one in your permission who wanted them, she’s around your age but just finished with the love of her life because he’s changed his kind about having a baby. So she’s not even looking for another man. She’s heartbroken on so many levels.

Another friend, like you didn’t want to adopt, she lost her ovary, eggs no good. She just through herself into other things, holidays and shopping are her thing. Looking ‘polished’ as they say here. She’s now well past the age where people ask anymore. She also doesn’t really think about it any more.

This issue affects men too- DH has a friend who is desperate for a child, but no partner. He’s good looking, good job, own home, no obvious reason why he can’t find someone, he’s dated. It just hasn’t happened. He’s late 40’s now and feels it never will.

I wouldn’t give up, but I’d throw myself in to doing things.

This might sound morbid (and I certainly don't think it is a reason to have children) but something which pains me is the fact that I will have nobody to attend my funeral. I'm an only child, so will have no family left. I will have nobody to even arrange it or to sort my death certificate out when I die.

The funeral part I will therefore need to sort out myself in advance. I guess there will be no point in having an actual funeral service though and I should just arrange to be taken straight to the part where the body is cremated.

Honestly, what a mind f*ck this is! I wish I had some family - a niece, a nephew etc, but nope, I have nobody.

I know these feelings all too well. I left my emotionally abusive exH at 39, he was almost completely infertile but hospital said we could try ICSI. He had only one testicle decended and refused to even discuss the simple procedure to resolve it "No one is messing with my ..." ugh anyway I left him weeks after my dear, dear Dad's funeral. I got a little house and was hopeful about starting to date etc.
And then my Mum had a stroke just months after my Dad died. As the only child without family, or children, and due to the fact I don't work anymore due to illness, I am the one who moved in to take care of Mum. Five years ago. I'm 44 now and I am a shadow of my old self. I've aged horribly due to total and utter exhaustion, my illness has progressed and I seem to be permanently on the cusp of another major flare...Mum's completely bed bound so every single need or want is down to me. We have carers in the mornings to wash and dress her but the rest is down to me. I adore my Mum but its hard work. I do dream of my alternative life with my children but you get what you get and that's that. (She says having a little 😭)

Disagree! As someone really struggling with being child free not by choice it's a relief to hear comments like this now and then. It's a nice break from the usual 'you'll never know love like it' type responses.

@OhLola04 that’s an incredible sacrifice. I honestly don’t know how people do it.

I’m on the cusp with DM, fiercely independent until now. She’s 80. I’m 46. I have a young child and a career. I don’t want to give it all up, to care. DM is expecting me to, as she did for her mother. I just don’t have it in me, have offered to pay for care but she won’t have it. My father had cancer, passed away after two weeks, I nursed him, but it was quick and I was young.

It just boils down to acceptance, living with it, whatever it is. Have you thought of some respite care, something in place to allow you a simple meal with friends, just once a month. 💐 It’s so hard.

Why not go it alone using a donor? 🤷‍♀️

@Mumtobabyhavoc The OP does say she doesn't want to be a single parent.

Yes, but no reason. I'm just curious - not judging.

@Mumtobabyhavoc If I were the OP my reasons for not wanting to be a single parent would be:

• It would be tough.
• I personally feel kids should have two parents, if possible.
• In your later 30s, the chance of the child being born with a disability is sadly higher. Providing the necessary support to the child as a single parent would be hard.
• Being an older parent increases the chance that the child may lose you at an earlier age. I therefore think it's important that they have two parents, so that they are not (hopefully) left alone.

Anyway, just my thoughts on this.

Valid.

Mothorhood Ffs

It's not a stupid question at all so there's no need for that response. Motherhood is a meaningless word.

@YetiTeri motherhood is the act of having your own child, either from your own body or other. So that's what OP wants

Respectfully, I am also in a similar situation, and I find 'advice' like that extremely upsetting. I know a few others struggling with fertility issues as well who hate it when people say things like 'oh, you want kids? Take mine!' and moaning about all the difficult things about having kids. It's painful.

People with kids telling me about all the downsides of having them is like someone who is rich telling a poor person about how hard it is to keep their kids in private school (or some such).

If you're talking to someone who desperately wants what you have, the best thing to do is just empathise, not tell them how awful it is to have it.

If you're talking to someone who desperately wants what you have, the best thing to do is just empathise, not tell them how awful it is to have it.

Except OP literally asked to be convinced it's a blessing in disguise,

I understand where you’re coming from, totally. But at the same time, I don’t think the downsides of having children should be trivialised. It can be incredibly difficult to raise children in today’s society, including fewer people with family support, both parents having to work in more families, the crippling cost of childcare, total lack of support from NHS if your child has any additional needs or illnesses. I also had such bad PND and exhaustion in the first year that I almost killed myself. Neither side should be brushed off.

When it's unsolicited then I agree it is so tactless and thoughtless. OP is asking for real downsides though here.

I agree with @Walker13 and @KimberleyClark

I didn't find @marblesthecat to be somehow dismissive of the need to have children, and neither does she hide that she loved her daughter. I think she understands it well. She's just outlining what could happen and if you actually read the original brief @snufkinhat, it was Please convince me that it will be a blessing in disguise.

Sorry - loves*!

Oh fucking hell @PinkFootstool . How bad are they and do you know what causes them? Have you always had them or did they suddenly appear?

This is not to be taken lightly. It's called reproduction for a reason.

To have the child of a man you don't even know is risky. They might look fine on paper - medical history, education, job.....but they might be a total nightmare when it comes to personality, and the child might inherit a lot of that. I have a friend who panicked and had a child with someone too quickly....and she's paying for it now. I hope for her sake her boy is going to turn out ok, because he's inherited quite a few of his father's traits, and says truly disturbing things on a regular basis.

Buy pointy furniture 😆

Tbh, I don't think I'd want pointy furniture in case I bang into it, but I wouldn't mind a fancy sofa.

You may or may not have children. But ask yourself why you really want them..... because it's expected? Because all your friends have kids? Because you think it will make up for some sort of dissatisfaction in your life? So many people sleepwalk into having children without properly thinking about it. The default position really needs to be "no kids unless I am 100% convinced that it's the right thing to do". Just wanting them is a sentimental or emotional reaction, driven by hormones - it's really not a good reason to make the biggest and most stressful commitment you'll ever make in your life. Concentrate on enjoying the life you have, and then it really won't matter if no kids come along.... you might actually find that you're relieved they didn't!

Come on.

It's a natural thing for humans to do.

@snufkinhat do t be so ridiculous & dramatic. Op said ‘Anyway, how can I make peace with this? Please convince me that it will be a blessing in disguise!’

it’s a perfectly fine response & one that many will agree with!