How to accept that I probably won't have children?

[PinkLongJohns]

I've always wanted children, but I've never met the right man.

I'm 37 now. Every man I click with either has kids, or doesn't want any. The chances of me meeting the right man in enough time seems unlikely now... I don't want to be a single parent, adopt, or have IVF.

Anyway, how can I make peace with this? Please convince me that it will be a blessing in disguise!

It’s not too late for you, but being at peace either way is probably best for your mental health. Perversely reading MN and all the heartbreak around is giving me a less rosy view of parenthood than what my social media friends present (well, except one, but she’s generally off her nut and it feels deeply uncomfortable reading some of the things she shares about her children). I honestly don’t know how some of the mums on here cope and doff my cap to them. Sometimes I wonder how I would deal with a school refuser or screen addict and just totally blank.

This.

As a mother of 3, I also agree with this post. My eldest is autistic and had we known that, I wouldn't have had more. Or I wouldn't have had any. It's tedious and so often it's boring. I love them dearly but parenting can be awful. And with the eldest the constant battles with school and services to support him it fucking endless. And sometimes I really can not be bothered, I do it, obviously but I have to dig for the motivation. I often think about the life me and dh could of had, that we will probably never have a chance at as we get older because eldest will still be with us. Again, I love them but I often regret my choices.

Why though? The reality is that lots of us wanted children, we now have children that we love but we are also exhausted and miserable. It shouldn’t just be a case of giving the rose-tinted approach

Every man I click with either has kids, or doesn't want any

Do you mean the men with kids don’t want any more? Or do you really not want to be a step mother?

I respectfully disagree. I am 37, would love children but only met the right man (hopefully) a year ago and neither of us wanted to try without at least a bit of time to get to know each other first so haven't started TTC yet. Therefore it's not a done deal but I have no idea whether I will ever be a mother either.

It's these kinds of thoughts that are helping me to come to terms with the outcome going either way and not hyper focus on something that may not happen.

I think it's valuable to keep in sight that there are difficulties as well as benefits to having children rather than just dream about the lovely prospect of a healthy baby and a blossoming child.

I know my parents didn't find it came easily, especially my dad. He has never voiced these sorts of thoughts but I wouldn't be that surprised if he felt he wasn't cut out for it and certainly loves life a lot more since we left home and aren't in touch much.

I decided at 35 that since I wasn't guaranteed to get the family I wished for, and had very mixed feelings about settling and donor sperm etc, I would push for outside fulfillment and got onto a course that I never expected to to retrain. Is there anything you'd love to do career or interests wise?

OP, I think a balanced view like this is helpful but don't think you should rule out meeting someone at 37. OLD is a slog but it could be worth a push with tight criteria and regular breaks.

I disagree. OP specifically asked to be convinced that not having children is a blessing in disguise. I think it’s brave to share an honest perspective of how relentless it all is, and to admit that they might decide differently if given the chance again. Most people only share the positives of having children and would never admit to having any regrets.

Op, I’m not sur3 anything here will help you accept
Have you looked at the “grief pathway”.? This might be of interest as in a sense you are grieving for a loss of a dream. Hope you’ve had and still hang onto .

you won’t ever shake off that feeling of “loss” probably, they’ll always be a “what if”, but with time and gradually fill your life with other hopes and dreams that you do fulfill the pain will lesson and numb.

Rather than focusing on what you can think about to help you accept, dont try that. Instead make some plans for the things you would like to do that are only dependent on you for the next 1 year, 2 years and 5 years. And look at longer term. What do you want to do when you retire, when do you want to retire … think about where you might want to live,the sort of home you want, what holidays you want. Put in place actually committments that you can look forward to . I’m not actually much of a goal centric person- but spending time actually visualising things you can do and then making plans on how to get to there might help you slowly rebuild a future that is based on being childless and uses the opportunities that might create

At least half my friend group didn't have kids until 39+ (we're 43 now). They're still having kids now. There are a variety of different reasons, but the main one is they just didn't meet the right person until mid to late thirties. Don't give up if it's what you really want.

Other posters disagree and have said similar things. If OP finds it unhelpful she can ignore it.

I didn’t have DD until I was 41.5, I absolutely love being a mother and I do find it easy. But I was absolutely happy before I had her too. Life was quite different, but not worse. I think I had an acceptance (which then of course that all changed when a last minute TTC produced DD).

I think the last few fertile years are the hardest bit-the clinging on to the possibility for those that did want them. Once it has passed it will change and you’ll feel better about it.

I have a mixed bag of friends and the childfree ones are happy and there is no
sadness now. For some of them they wanted children but had fertility issues, some have never had the right relationship to try and the others never wanted it. Each happy with their lot though. You just have to let it be.

Hang on a minute. The OP said 'Anyway, how can I make peace with this? Please convince me that it will be a blessing in disguise!'

@marblesthecat did that very well. And I agree with them too.

I think the last few fertile years are the hardest bit-the clinging on to the possibility for those that did want them. Once it has passed it will change and you’ll feel better about it.

This is so very true. Especially when people keep telling you about their auntie who had a baby at 49.

I know somebody who met her husband at 37/38, married and 2 children by time she was 40. I also know 2 women who used a donor and had babies on their own with no partner. If that isn't an option then the best thing about not having kids will be the freedom to do what the fuck you like and your money is all yours x

Op here.

To be clear, I am looking for a variety of perspectives to help me navigate my feelings on this subject. Hearing different opinions, both positive and negative, helps with that. It makes the bigger picture more nuanced and realistic.

That is an excellent question.

OP, what are you looking for in having children? Someone to love you? Someone to look after you in old age? None of that is a given, nor is it fair to expect that of offspring (I am my mother's carer). You could end up having to care for a severely disabled child/adult all your life, and that is too often the death of relationships. For that matter you might find what seems to be the right man and then find he disappears when you're pregnant, or worse, turns abusive when you are and he's got you effectively trapped. It happens too often.

Honestly the potential problems or outright disasters outweigh the rest, in my mind. Loneliness can be tackled other ways. No, it's not the same, but marriage and children are absolutely not a guarantee against it.

Most people l know without children seem happier.
They find fulfilment in other things.

This is true. I have a young child and I’m lonely. I was much less lonely when I had more freedom to socialise or visit friends.

It's so often the case, whether one has a partner or not, isn't it? Being home raising small children (who really aren't company in the same way as an adult, even when they are nearing school age) can be so isolating.

Get off mumsnet for starters.
Put away all the children's things in a special box.
Buy pointy furniature
Book a holiday where children can't go
Master the art of a lie in

aw I'm envious now

Also, you asked for the blessing in disguise thing: I struggle terribly with anxiety around my children and both of mine have been ill in the last week. It's like my brain is not my own.
If I could have had the kids but skipped this bit I really would.

I'm married with two and a stepson and have child free friends. Of all of us I'd say those with children are most harangued, stressed, tired, cranky and now hitting perimenopause also feeling that range of symptoms and teary on top. I used to have so many hobbies, kept fit and travelled lots, theatre etc and generally enjoyed my life for me.
As a mum I pour everything into them - I'm trying to do less as they obviously don't understand or appreciate that and I do feel like their servant most of the time- and they're really nice polite kids most of the time.
My childfree (those through choice and through biology) friends seem far more calm and content - they have time for their interests and stable relationships unaffected by child rearing arguments and being frazzled. They've gone through or are managing any sadness about not having children and some have beautiful animals, a passion for a sport, a fabulous career, go on yoga or writing retreats, and undoubtedly loads more disposable income!
If it doesn't happen for you you will still build your life as you want it, just you'll have moments of sadness seeing whatever triggers you - just like frazzled worry-wrought parents have sadness feeling wiped out or worrying about the world these kids will grow up in. Not to mention as PP said any illness, accidents, crimes etc. I regularly get a pang when I hear of the life my childfree friends are living.
I think as more people are choosing to be childfree this kind of discussion will become more common and there'll be less assumption on women to have or want children.
Maybe you could envisage a life without children and then if the opportunity arises consider it then? You are still young enough and never know what's coming but there's definitely more than one way to live a fantastic fulfilling life x

I have two DC OP and I won’t pretend that I don’t absolutely adore them and I would have them again and again.

But it is hard, hard work. They are both what feels like the naughtiest children ever, one is ND. They are only 7 and 4. We have some lovely, lovely times, but also they fight relentlessly, demand endlessly, they’re both rude, cheeky. I worry from dawn til dusk - about the eldest’s self esteem, about their behaviour, about my relationship with them, about whether they are good people. And when things are good, we’ve had a lovely day - I worry and get upset about how fast it’s going and that one day they’ll leave me and what if they’re not close to me as adults and what will I do then…

It’s basically very, very hard work, and endless worry. With some shiny rewarding bits in between.

Oh and let’s not forget the constant illnesses that happen at important times - Christmas, 40th birthdays, holidays. You can guarantee a random week in March when no one has plans, is when they’ll be at their best health wise. Any other time, forget it. And they’ll pass all their germs on to you.

@PinkLongJohns thank you for posting this question and for everyone who posted their very helpful insights. I am in a very similar position, but currently 39. Over the last few months (and probably because my 40th is approaching), I have been actively processing my thoughts on the likelihood of never becoming a mother and what that means for my future life.

The answers on this thread have really helped me come to terms with it. I now feel a sense of peace around this aspect of my life, and excited for a future of new endeavours and experiences. Wishing you the very best, however life turns out for you 💐