Childless to Childfree

[Jeezuswept]

Long story short (shortish), I wasn't sure if I wanted children. I've never been broody or felt anything was missing, but I hit 35 and DH & I decided to try and see, and let nature decide.

After tests and surgeries, we were offered IVF. I surprised myself by thinking 'hell, no'. I am not willing/able to go through that. It was a relief to let the whole TTC go.

I considered myself childless at that point of the failed cycles and tests etc, I definitely got caught up in it all, but years later I'm so hugely relieved to not be a parent (I am not cut out for it) and I feel very lucky to be childfree.

Sometimes not being a parent isn't a black and white choice, there's so much grey area, and I'm glad to be able to post here and wonder if anyone understands!

She doesn't come across a very likable person but I do think sometimes the pressure of pursuing fertility treatment because you don't want to risk regretting not trying it is more common than we might think.

I think I am on this journey though maybe in a different way to most of you.

I love children and would like to have been a mum. However I am not, for a variety of reasons. I have not experienced infertility. I have just never tried to have a child for the following reasons.

Not having a partner and feeling that deliberately going it alone as a parent would not be right for me.

Some ambivalence because of my own emotionally abusive childhood - maybe a fear that I might end up treating a child the way I was treated even though I would want to do this.

I have grieved ( and may still yet grieve some more) about this but I am growing in contentment about the life I do have.

It helps that I have some children in my life that I see regularly and enjoy being the best surrogate aunty I can to.

When I was approaching 40 I started asking myself about why people wanted to be parents. It seemed to me ( again coloured by my childhood) that it wasn't a good thing to have children to meet your own emotional needs and that a good reason would be that you felt you had love that you wanted to give to a child.

So, I decided to do that. Give love to the children who came my way (sometimes unexpectedly) and it has been, surprisingly ok. I hope I add an extra loving adult into the lives of these children and also give support to their parents.

A grief I did not expect was about being a grandparent. It hit me very suddenly. I was at church when two different people spoke from the front about becoming a grandparent for the first time. They were my kind of age and it suddenly struck me that I was never going to be a grandparent either.

I guess I am on a journey ( cliché alert) but for now it is surprisingly ok.

I could almost have written @EducatingArti ‘s post word for word.

I don’t really see myself as either childfree (which to me implies an active choice that I never made), or childless (which to me means tried for children but didn’t / couldn’t have them). I tend to just say that I don’t have children, rather than trying to categorise myself.

I’m not at the age where the grandparent thing has hit me yet. It is a source of regret, though, that I’ll never be an aunt (no siblings). And that so many parents don’t think people without children want to be around kids.

I've conceded defeat and that it just isn't meant to be. I just never met the right person and spent most of my life single. The relationships I did have ended up with cheating from them or just not worked.

It was a lot to get over at the time. But glad i don't have them.

I've come to notice that most women are miserable as sin with children or have unrealistic expectations of it.

Head over to the parenting board and you'll find gems such a women being unable to cope with a 5 month old crying lots and wanting to be held and fed and it's ruining their lives. I'm not sure what they expected it to be like. That the baby would just stay quiet and not bother them.

It's stressful, expensive and it doesn't make you happy. So I've come to be happy to be child free.

May I recommend this book - it’s brilliant

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Already-Complete-Beyond-Myths-Childlessness-ebook/dp/B07CM96FMQ/ref=sr_1_2?crid=51ZF2ZAD4ZR2&keywords=Already+complete&qid=1699020350&sprefix=already+complete%2Caps%2C86&sr=8-2

It's misogynistic too, because only women are made out to be freaks if they are childfree. So I've often been asked "why" I don't have children - but my husband never has.
Both rude and sexist, FFS.

Sorry, think my last post ended up on the wrong thread....

I'm childfree but consider myself a very maternal person. I don't want kids for many reasons (state of the world etc.) also not in a relationship and don't see one on the horizon anytime soon. I have depression and a family member with even worse MH problems and that has put me off risking passing it on. Also cancer runs in my family. I know these are things that wouldn't put the vast majority of people off but they are big reasons to me.

It probably sounds like a bit of a contradiction to say I'm not broody yet at the same time would be very maternal (I think) but I also know I don't handle stress well. So as much as I can see absolutely doting on a child and giving them LOTS of love, I also see myself quite likely having a breakdown!

I've also spent so many years telling my family I will absolutely never have kids that if I turned round and had one now I'd feel like a fraud. But yeah it's not black and white, I have very little family left now and the future is a scary prospect. Kids wouldn't really help that though, I can't imagine facing my mother getting older and trying to arrange care whilst looking after young kids...

I'm sure kids are amazing in the same way as having a good relationship is amazing but I'm not someone who yearns for these things if I don't have them like a lot of people seem to.