Is my nanny acting inappropriately here - opinions please

[nannywobbles]

I am a mumsnet regular but I've name-changed for this because I don't want to be identified.

I have recently recruited a new nanny to look after my children, the youngest of whom is 12 months old. We are currently in a 2 week handover period and I am going back to work next week, when she will take sole charge.

Yesterday, I took the older children out for a few hours and left the nanny to take care of the baby. When I returned home, I found her sitting on the sofa watching daytime television (not cbeebies, I mean some kind of game show) with the baby on her lap. She had some toys with her, and I think she was trying to keep the baby entertained whilst watching the television.

Now, my initial reaction was that this is totally inappropriate, but I would really welcome the mumsnet jury's view! Obviously I'm in a state of complete stress anyway what with going back to work and I don't want to overreact here.

I guess the following info might also help:

1. She is a professional nanny with about 5 years experience, and we employ her professionally, i.e. we have a contract, we operate PAYE etc.

1. I said that I wasn't comfortable with her watching TV and she said OK that's fine. Her previous employers were fine with it apparently. I didn't ask her how long the telly had been on for or for how long she would normally watch telly in an average day (I should have done, I know).

1. I never watch daytime telly myself so I suppose I might be in danger of being a bit snobby about it - I mean if she'd been listening to radio 4 then maybe I would feel differently?

1. I do have some reservations about how energetic she will be with the kids, but she's kind and responsive and obviously loves children.

So.... was this completely out of order? Or just a minor issue where different families take different approaches? Please help me put it into proportion!

If she was watching Jeremy Kyle I would be furious - too much anger and shouting.
What would you rather she was doing, just out of interest?

Hello there,

I personally don't like watching daytime TV and don't like my DD watching it. I am not convinced that small children get anything out of it. I made this clear to all candidates when I interviewed potential nannies.
However, I think it is largely a matter of preference rather than a deal breaking or out of order kind of thing.
I think it is enough for you just to say that you don't like it and you would prefer her to have music on in the background rather than TV.
Just make your preferences and expectations very clear and I am sure it will be fine.

its a job, you pay her to look after your kids not sit watching telly.

Thanks very much for replies so far -

Buzzingnoise - it was some kind of game show, but I know she was watching Jeremy Kyle the previous day whilst she was on her own in the house for a bit, i.e. not with the kids.

I guess I'd rather she was focussing on the baby while she had the chance - she hasn't really got to know him yet and in an average day I spend a lot of time trying to keep the baby occupied while I play with the others/cook/tidy up etc that I would certainly have enjoyed a bit of uninterrupted time with him.

Thebutterflyeffect - that's interesting that you would watch TV - you see, I think I would definitely try to listen to something on the radio or read a magazine for a bit so maybe it's just that I'm being snobby about the TV? But on the other hand I'm not being paid to be a mum and I certainly wouldn't watch telly in my paid job. I guess this is one of those areas that raises the old issue of the difference between a nanny and a regular employee.

I've never done a diary with previous nannies as it always struck me as being a bit OTT and a pain for the nanny, but maybe that'sa good way forward whilst I establish trust.

And a both raise a v good point about the difference between adult/shouting tv and other tv - thank you!

Sorry, two more replies whilst I was posting that - thankyou andagain and bariatricobama (great nickname!).

So, emerging consensus is that I'm perfectly entitled to tell her not to do it (it's a paid job and all that) but that it's an issue where different families have different preferences so I shouldn't overreact too much?

Yes - its inappropriate. I dont mind Cbeebies being on for my kids for a bit (judiciously spread out so nanny can get stuff done like making their lunch/cleaning up after dinner) or nanny watching tv while they're having their naps, but wouldnt expect her to watch tv while looking after the kids. Definitely do a diary with your nanny (I still do with ours - and she's been with us over 3 years now - more so we both know what the kids have been up to during the day and night) which will give you an idea of what they're doing.

Was it around lunchtime, though? Most nannies don't get a proper lunch break and have to fit it in around the children and nap times. I would find it difficult to ask a nanny not to watch TV if it was her only chance to get a break during the day - and not much of a break at that, as she still had the baby on her knee. Having said that, I would not be happy if she was watching anything loud or violent. If she was on her own in the house when she was watching Jeremy Kyle, I also don't see the problem. Presumably she could still get on with ironing or cooking or whatever during that time - I know I certainly do! Maybe I'm just very relaxed with my nannies!

Having read the other replies, and thought about it for a bit, I think she shouldn't be have been watching tv. A 12 month old can be played with and stimulated.

I find it a bit strange that she would have the TV when you only went out with the older ones for a little while, if it were me I would have been enjoying the time getting to know the baby without everyone else around.

Secondly, I am undecided how I feel about the under 2's watching TV. I (personally) don't think it's great for them and expecially TV that is very noisy (JK, Game Shows, Enders etc) - so for that reason alone I'd say to her that I would really rather she didn't have those programs on.

The 'paid job' bit wouldn't worry me so much as I'd want my kids to have an 'as normal' time at home as they would with me. 'Helping with jobs around the house, going to the shops, learning to wait while someone's busy/on the phone etc' not having every whim catered to by a 'Paid Employee'.

I guess for me it would have come down to, did she seem to have the Tv on in the background for a bit of 'company' (I have a LOT of friends who do this - drives me nuts!!) or was she trying to watch the program and just keep the baby quiet so she could...

Nanny Diaries make me shudder....

I doubt the baby was watching the tv. I used to have the tv on sometimes while I played with my little one when she was a baby- playing with a 1 year old can get pretty boring.

Personally, I don't really like my ds to watch much tv, because it's just crap really isn't it? Especially during the day, and loads of adverts that really catch his attention. So I wouldn't like to pay someone else to let him watch television, don't let him watch cbeebies either. I can appreciate it can be a bit boring to just be playing with a child all day, which is why I don't work as a nanny

I wouldn't like it - unless as someone else said, it was her only chance to get a break. (But I assume the baby takes a nap or two?)

I never watch daytime telly; I do plonk 13 mo in his playpen for 10 minutes at a time (2 or 3 times a day) if I really need to do something/talk on the phone, but otherwise while I'm home, I'm either playing with him, or feeding him, or he's sitting near me while I hang out washing or whatever. Of course it gets tiring always chasing after a little one - and boring too some of the time - but then I just take him out for a walk! And I would expect my nanny to do the same, tbh.

Thank you so much for the replies - this is really useful for getting everything into perspective.

She would ordinarily get a break during the day whilst the baby naps (there's an age gap so the others are at school) but no break in the school holidays. We're still in a handover period at the moment when I'm at home so it's a bit different... she's had quite a few breaks when I've had the kids completely by myself, and she hasn't done a day on her own yet so I don't think she would be justified in saying she needed a breather.

Chippingin - I think you have hit the nail on the head completely - I totally agree with you about kids needing 'as normal' time and not being entertained the whole time...but I do think she was actually watching the TV rather than having it on in the background for company, and of course I'd rather she was getting the washing up done or something if she was only going to be paying half attention to the baby.. .

I also think it's a bit strange - I mean it's only her 4th day or something and I'm still generally around. You would think she'd be showing extra attention to the kids and generally busying herself to impress/re-assure me rather than watching telly?

I think you're being a bit petty TBH.

She was on her own with the baby - perhaps she had been playing with baby on her lap and it fell asleep or something so she watched TV while it was sleeping til you came back.

I don't think it's a biggy - I think there are a lot of other things to get yourself stressed about and as long as she isn't neglecting your kids or not getting things done I wouldn't worry.

I dont have a nanny but my gut feeling is that I wouldnt be happy about it. Its not awful but its not ideal either.
I think you can broach it in a nice way, perhaps suggest that she could watch tv when the baby has a nap if she wants some down time etc.
But when she is in sole charge of the kids/baby, its not what she should be doing, IMO.

For me it wouldn't be an issue. I used to have daytime TV on all the time, usually things like Doctors or Diagnosis Murder!

A 12 month old baby does not need stimulating all the time and I think it is far easier to play with a baby whilst watching TV than reading a book or magazine.

nannywobbles - yes, I would have though she would have be doing something 'fun & creative' & certainly 'child centered' to impress you at this stage so either she is going to be a lazy pain in the bum or she is one of the few people who is able to just 'be herself without feeling the need to impress' - which could be a good thing (you get what you see - no 'front').

I don't think you're being petty! I think we're on the same wavelength though.

If she had it on in the kitchen while doing the washing up, with the baby playing in the plastics drawer I wouldn't think anything of it. But if she was really trying to watch it and just keep the baby quiet with a few toys, then I wouldn't be too impressed - especially at this early stage!

Ouch AuntieMaggie! He's not a teeny baby though - he's about to be a toddler. And there's no way in a gazillian years that he'd fall asleep on her lap! But you make a fair point.

I guess the thing is that it's such early days and I don't have the full picture about how she's going to be with the kids long term...

It's a good point about reading a book/magazine islandofsodor...but then I think I wouldn't be happy if she was doing that either....although I might do that myself for 5 minutes or so during the day... again, it's all about the difference between a nanny, a mum and a regular employee isn't it, which I do find so hard to figure out.

OK, this is seeming like a smaller issue

I'm just wondering, wouldn't she be on her 'best behaviour' if it's the first few days? Knowing you'd be coming back soon?

I'd feel very uncomfortable with someone watching tv, as I hate it on as background. I think maybe you need to set some quite firm ground rules, whatever she's been doing in her last x years of nannying, so that she abides by your rules for your house.

I don't think you're being petty. If she's bored looking after your baby and wants the telly on to stimulate her, then she's in the wrong job.

Nip it in the bud now. Best to make nanny aware of things you don't want her doing now.
I rarely watch adult tv at work, though it has happened on occasion - Working Lunch for example, whilst toddler was asleep and chores done. Toddler wasn't watching it though!

How much TV time you permit during the day for your children is also something to raise at this point, as you may be wanting your children not to watch very much cbeebies/cbbc etc.

Nannies diaries I personally hate as I find they tend to be the same thing written in them much of the time. Keeping some kind of log when children are ill though can help... and indeed must be kept for things like giving medication.
I find photo's are a good way to show what has happened during the week and when first starting with a family, text messages sent to mum so she has some idea of what the children are doing during the day.

Did you tell her you weren't comfortable with her watching tv before or after the tv watching incident? There are several studies that indicate that having tv on, even in the background, can delay the development of babies and young children. I wouldn't want the person who looked after my child to be watching tv at all when my children were awake or around.

Another nanny here that would only put the tv on for myself if the children were napping. It wouldn't even occur to me to put the tv on whilst playing with a 12 month old.

So, YANBU to ask her not to watch tv whilst she has charge of the children.

I'd ask her not to have it on, myself.