Is my nanny acting inappropriately here - opinions please

[nannywobbles]

I am a mumsnet regular but I've name-changed for this because I don't want to be identified.

I have recently recruited a new nanny to look after my children, the youngest of whom is 12 months old. We are currently in a 2 week handover period and I am going back to work next week, when she will take sole charge.

Yesterday, I took the older children out for a few hours and left the nanny to take care of the baby. When I returned home, I found her sitting on the sofa watching daytime television (not cbeebies, I mean some kind of game show) with the baby on her lap. She had some toys with her, and I think she was trying to keep the baby entertained whilst watching the television.

Now, my initial reaction was that this is totally inappropriate, but I would really welcome the mumsnet jury's view! Obviously I'm in a state of complete stress anyway what with going back to work and I don't want to overreact here.

I guess the following info might also help:

1. She is a professional nanny with about 5 years experience, and we employ her professionally, i.e. we have a contract, we operate PAYE etc.

1. I said that I wasn't comfortable with her watching TV and she said OK that's fine. Her previous employers were fine with it apparently. I didn't ask her how long the telly had been on for or for how long she would normally watch telly in an average day (I should have done, I know).

1. I never watch daytime telly myself so I suppose I might be in danger of being a bit snobby about it - I mean if she'd been listening to radio 4 then maybe I would feel differently?

1. I do have some reservations about how energetic she will be with the kids, but she's kind and responsive and obviously loves children.

So.... was this completely out of order? Or just a minor issue where different families take different approaches? Please help me put it into proportion!

I think that her behaviour is not professional and I would get rid whilst you are in the probationary period. The TV with the baby, not playing wth the older children - it's not acceptable in a nanny. And that shouldn't be something you have to establish in a big chat - it's a basic part of doing the job. It's also, IMO, not abouthandover: during hndover she should be MORE keen to show you what she does. I have been where you are now and i'm really sorry but i jhust can't see it working out well.

She's a nanny acting like an au pair. You need to give her notice I think because you want energy and she is not the type to provide it.

Thanks everyone for your replies, I've only just been able to come back again to read them all.

I have had a long discussion with DH and we've decided that we are not going to give her notice. I agree with those of you who described her as a sedentary nanny. Perhaps she is not as professional as she should be. She's not the ideal fit for us, as you say. However, as somebody suggested, we did take care over the selection process and she is 'good enough'. She was also the best of the candidates we interviewed. If I'm brutally honest, I am scared of the prospect of postponing my return to work, taking emergency time off for dependants, going through another interview and handover process and not getting anybody who is a better fit for us.

I have asked myself if the children are safe with her, and I do think they are. She is not the best nanny for us, but I think she is OK. I guess we will give her the chance to prove herself over the next few months. I do fear that those of you suggesting that I give her notice may well prove to be right and that I may regret this. I will have to post again in a few months time under this name and let you know.

Blondes - old nanny left when I stopped work to have the baby. She wasn't hugely experienced and you mumsnet nannies would be head and shoulders above her I imagine, but she was always very active and really adored the kids. I miss her!

Make sure you still have the review/handover chat with her and make your expectations clear. Let her know that you want the children to be active, tell her that tv time for her is when the baby is napping and nanny chores are done, tell her anything else that has come to light in the handover period. You never know, she may step up to the mark and shine Good luck

Thankyou nbee84 - you are quite right.

If you channge your mind I know a mindblowingly good temp who is free from 1 May.

Nannywobbles - good luck and you seem very reasonable with your expectations so there is a good chance you'll have a successful relationship if she meets you half way. I hope all goes well and keep us updated as I'm very nosy

You sound like a great boss and from a nannys point of view they are not always easy to come by.

Maybe she just needs very clear feedback/management at the start, but will be fine once she's got into your way of doing things. It can be difficult for a nanny going from a family who does things one way, to a family who does things another way (and for families with nannies too I'm sure!) - so understandable that there's some adjustment time.

nannywobbles, it is totally understandable for you to take a wait-and-see approach as you are just returning to work.

I started in a new job and had to switch aupairs 2 months into it. The old one left me in the lurch once she sensed the writing was on the wall.

My advice is that if you decide you will not stick with her, is to start the recruitment process before you give her notice. That gives you the option to get someone in earlier should she decide to drop you in it. Alternatively, put emergency childcare on standby.

There is an adjustment period when changing over - as you well know. My new aupair is absolutely wonderful, and so the temporary inconvenience of the switch is well worth it.

I thought I'd posted a picture here but it is not to be. Sorry, I'll try help again.

I'm starting to find my way around this site - I think.
Go to my photos and you will see the answer to your problem!

My nanny has her quirks and faults, but the reason we hired her was because she loves playing with the kids and does activities with them, takes them out, helps my DS1 practice on his bike etc, etc. (Things that I find it really difficult to do myself, even if I have the time, hence why I could never be a nanny!)

By the sound of it your nanny doesn't do this and probably never will. Sounds more like she thinks her role is to 'supervise' them and to make sure they don't get into trouble rather than actively engaging with them. I know finding another nanny would be a bit of a pain, but are you really happy with a nanny that doesn't stimulate your children?

I think it is perfectly in order to ban television while your nanny is in charge. My DD is not allowed to watch TV, only DVDs, so that I am sure that the quality of the media she watches is OK.

I am not one of these people who thinks nannies should be entertaining the children at all times - I am not saying YOU are but I think it's a bit precious to expect someone to spend every minute of every day keeping them occupied in some mind expanding activity. DD1 ended up with a bit of a "courtier complex" after two years on her own before DD2 arrived as a consequence of this and I think it's actually one of the downsides of having a nanny with only one child.

However. I would draw the line at reading her own book and watching daytime TV. It wouldn't bother me if it were an au pair whose got an unusually long stint that day for some reason but I do think it's reasonable to expect a nanny to be more professional. I would be wondering what was coming next.

I know it seems like a hassel trying to recruit someone else now that you're semi settled...but you might want to consider whether it would be worse if you had to do this when you are already working...

I love your expression "courtier complex" HarrietTheSpy .

However, I don't think it happens only to children on their own. DSS2 has it much worse than DSS1!

I agree it depends on the child (and the nanny!) DD1 is particularly princess. One afternoon when we were catching up with the former nanny, DD1 one unwrapped a bar of chocolate and just passed the paper to the nanny, without speaking or even looking at her. Nanny wordlessly and without thinking walked over to the bin to throw it out. It was a WINDOW into what had been going on. No please. No thank you. No question she was to wait on her hand and foot. I flipped.

Anyway, she should have gone to the bin herself. Was really the point. Maybe I'm making too much of this but it bothered me.

not making too much at all harriet

my charges sometimes pass me rubbish and i wont take it and reply, do i look like the bin?

which makes them giggle and then they put their own rubbish away

No, you were quite, quite right Harriet!

I have big issues with nannies and other domestic staff waiting on children hand-and-foot. I once had a child home for a playdate - never again - she was an empress on a throne at 3!

bonsoir - we have those kind of friends round - never again!!!

The parents feed it too - it goes beyond PFB. They want 'value for their money' which I can understand on one level as nannies are expensive. But I think it's also very important to remember that they are not just able to engage in pre-school educational activities like writing your name etc but here's how to be a civilised person that has friends and knows how to live with people and 1)tidies up their stuff 2) helps with other chores 3) Thinks about other people etc. I do think people really forget this and want more 'at home tutor' activities with their nannies. It's something I would definitely do differently. Hindsight is great hey?

We are off topic now thanks to me.

Haven't read all the replies, but I would NOT be happy about this at all!! Good grief this would be flagging up danger signals to me. I don't think it's petty at all, she's only been with you a couple of weeks, what's she going to be like in a couple of months. I do think a Nanny Diary is the way forward.

Good luck.

"The parents feed it too - it goes beyond PFB. They want 'value for their money' which I can understand on one level as nannies are expensive. But I think it's also very important to remember that they are not just able to engage in pre-school educational activities like writing your name etc but here's how to be a civilised person that has friends and knows how to live with people and 1)tidies up their stuff 2) helps with other chores 3) Thinks about other people etc. I do think people really forget this and want more 'at home tutor' activities with their nannies."

I absolutely agree with you. I've often felt like asking people 'do you want your child to be academically brilliant but socially inept? Or do you want them to be a decent human being?'.

Totally agree. I think it's much more important to encourage manners, courtesy, imagination, friendships, creativity, responsibility and integrity in children than to sit them down for hours on end hot housing them. Academia is only one facet of a person and even if that side of them is amazing, it will mean nothing if that child isn't also an interesting and kind person too.

DS1 is 14 months old, and we have a Mothers Help since he was 12 months old, i.e. the same age as your little one, nannywobbles. She wouldn't dream of doing this, and we're not paying her the big bucks you pay a nanny.

She might occasionally have CBeebies on if they're stuck inside due to bad weather and he's overly fractious, but even this is few and far between. Most days the TV isn't on at all, and she would never have adult TV on.

Admittedly, she works 9-6 and has a one-hour lunch break (I work from home so am fortunately able to provide her with very civilised hours), so it's not like she needs the breather, but knowing her (she's a gem) she wouldn't do this anyway.

I think it is definitely possible to be overly precious about this sort of thing but wouldn't be overly impressed to see it in the first week, plus as a professional, she shouldn't really expect to watch TV during the day, just like the rest of us in paid employment.