Is my nanny acting inappropriately here - opinions please

[nannywobbles]

I am a mumsnet regular but I've name-changed for this because I don't want to be identified.

I have recently recruited a new nanny to look after my children, the youngest of whom is 12 months old. We are currently in a 2 week handover period and I am going back to work next week, when she will take sole charge.

Yesterday, I took the older children out for a few hours and left the nanny to take care of the baby. When I returned home, I found her sitting on the sofa watching daytime television (not cbeebies, I mean some kind of game show) with the baby on her lap. She had some toys with her, and I think she was trying to keep the baby entertained whilst watching the television.

Now, my initial reaction was that this is totally inappropriate, but I would really welcome the mumsnet jury's view! Obviously I'm in a state of complete stress anyway what with going back to work and I don't want to overreact here.

I guess the following info might also help:

1. She is a professional nanny with about 5 years experience, and we employ her professionally, i.e. we have a contract, we operate PAYE etc.

1. I said that I wasn't comfortable with her watching TV and she said OK that's fine. Her previous employers were fine with it apparently. I didn't ask her how long the telly had been on for or for how long she would normally watch telly in an average day (I should have done, I know).

1. I never watch daytime telly myself so I suppose I might be in danger of being a bit snobby about it - I mean if she'd been listening to radio 4 then maybe I would feel differently?

1. I do have some reservations about how energetic she will be with the kids, but she's kind and responsive and obviously loves children.

So.... was this completely out of order? Or just a minor issue where different families take different approaches? Please help me put it into proportion!

Unprofessional imo, especially as you'd said you don't want her watching it! I'd have been very annoyed.

If she wants to watch daytime TV she can do it when the children are asleep. I'd make sure you are very clear with her about what TV can be on and when - for example, CBeebies for half an hour at 5.30pm.

Not at all normal for a nanny to have daytime TV on during the day.

People whop employ nannies often expect them to work at a higher standard than they do themselves as they are paying for it and I think that is fine.

I would have expected her to be still in the wanting to impress the boss mode so playing lots with the baby and not watching television.

I think you are being a bit precious not to allow her to watch any tv but she needs to be sensible about what and how much she watches.

One boss told me she would start the morning with radio 4 then watch Richard and Judy, didn't mind if I did too. I would normally have the radio on if the babies were sleeping.

im not a great daytime tv lover myself but love background noise and will often have radio on in kitchen and playroom at same time which drives my db mad

her last faily had tv on a lot and thats what she was used to, she obv felt comfortable enough to watch it with you, and wasnt being sneaky

just say you dont like non child friendly programmes on during the day -although she doesnt have all 3 sole charge at the moment, it is often harder having one child and mum around with the others

so in point 2 you have told her, she said fine and that should be the end of the matter

Yes, you are right to be concerned. Have a chat about your expectations, what a nightmare that you are back to work next week.

I do believe she oculd have been playing with your 12 month old, they love to be stimulated and watching TV is not on.
You are paying her and even though you want a 'home' environment, she still has roles and duties to do and watching TV is not one of them. She should be embarrased that the TV was even on.

Good luck

I'm a nanny and I agree with you OP. The baby is 12 months old, therefore not a tiny baby who sleeps most of the day.

Thanks for all the posts. It is really helping.

When I read posts from the nannies (and ex-nannies, Fab!) on mumsnet, I wish I employed one of them. I think my new nanny is perhaps not as conscientious as I'd like her to be, and as many of you nannies are.

Some interesting points raised above, esp the bit about being entitled to expect a higher standard of care than if I were doing it myself - I think that's true actually, it's really one of the perks of having a nanny isn't it - that you get someone with lots of energy who knows lots of good activities and puts more effort into it than you might on a daily basis? Yet at the same time, I do want a normal 'home environment'.

I think you are right that I need to set expectations...sigh....the thing is that I'm dreading going back to work and leaving my kids and I just want to be re-assured not biting my nails with worry....

You are near the end of the two week handover period and this is the first time you have posted about something your new nanny has done... is that right?

If so, then over the past two weeks there must be some things that you are happy about. So think about those things, help to reassure yourself that your nanny will keep your children safe.

Let your nanny know what you are expecting and then with luck they will change to fit with your expectations. If you don't tell them they won't know... so have a quick chat and tell them that you were not happy to get back home to find them watching daytime TV.

It's worth thinking about all the things that would bother you and making them clear to the nanny at the start - every family works differently, and what is fine for some families would niggle other families when it's not really the nanny's fault.

Set out the routine clearly, any limits on travel/mileage/kitty, rules about TV and sweets, what food the nanny can and can't eat - basically tell her how you like things done! It saves problems building later.

I think that is unacceptable (said in Supernanny voice). How many other people can switch on TV whilst in their workplace. As others have said, it's an odd decision given that she is on her first week and she knew you were around.
I would make it clear what your TV policy is for kids too. (Ours is none before 6pm when they are in jim jams - we can break that rule ourselves of course but prefer our nanny to stick to that)

it wouldn't bother me, unless it was on all day and she was neglecting the children's needs in order that she could watch it

if i employed a nanny it would be as a kind of "mother replacement" I suppose. ie, i would choose a nanny to give my children the closest experience as possible of being cared for at home by me.

and sometimes i might have the television on, so i would therefore have no problem with it. I am not into all this creative activities with babies the entire time, seems a bit OTT. if i wanted that i'd use a nursery or something.

so no, it wouldn't bother me really. I would prefer to have a nanny that my children loved, and who loved them back and cared for them but watched tv, than one who did all the fancy activities but didn't have the closer bond.
not saying that the 2 are mutually exclusive of course, but you see what i'm saying?

all that aside, it's YOUR nanny, and if you aren't happy with her doing it then you're quite within your remit to tell her so. which you did, and she was fine with it

I personally would keep an eye on her for a while longer

If you give her boundaries on TV-watching, you should be able to trust her to abide by them. I casually ask my older (verbal) child what the aupair has done with them during the day. It turned out the aupair was the sort to put on a burst of activity just before I came home but otherwise did very little when my back was turned (which was most of the day since I work ft).

She also was surprisingly casual when my dh was home the whole day about (not) doing her chores. You want a nanny who is in it for the love of children, not as a easy ride because their boss is often not around.

I've not had chance to read all the relies yet but my thoughts are she really shouldn't watch tv when in charge of your children, i've always thought it an unwritten rule to be honest. Plus she is on a handover too and should be trying to make a good impression and bonding with your children so that makes it worse.

I have a feeling you will have problems trusting her when you go back to work as it will always be in the back of your mind and you can't know what she is up to when you are not at home. Nanny diaries are all well and good and i used one in my last job but at the end of the day the nnay can write whatever she likes and it may have no baring (sp) on what actually happened during the day.

It's not like your youngest dc is a newborn and really cant interact, at 12 months there is so much that you can do together so it seems like she could be lazy and not really bothered. Not a great combination when you're about to return to work and need to have upmost trust and confidence in your nanny.

It sounds a bit creepy to me, taking a job as a nanny and then parking yourself on the sofa and chillin'.

I wouldn't like this at all.

Just read all the replies now and i really do agree with holding your nanny to a higher standard than yourself. I'm a mum to a 10 month dd and will happily watch a bit of tv or read a magazine or chat on the phone but i'm going back to work in a couple of months and wouldn't dream of doing it there.

I think it would only be acceptable if the nanny was clearly under the weather and needed an easy day, for obvious reasons.

Am i the only one who thinks what she did wasn't that bad?

She had the tv on as last family didn't mind. You both obv didn't talk about tv at the interview

she did it and wasn't sneaky about it

you said you didn't like tv. She said ok. Matter closed.

Now if it happens again then different as now she knows your views on tv

us nannies are only human and not mind readers. We don't know employers don't like things unless we are told ie my ex MB flipped after I visited maccy d's for the first time

have you been happy with her the rest of the 2weeks?

If you are not comfortable with the TV on during the day, then just tell her so. Children under two should not be watching TV (and if it's on in their presence, they will end up watching it). She should be spending her time interacting with your child - reading, singing, playing, feeding, etc etc.

It isn't bad on its own.

But you told her you don't want tv and she said 'fine'.And then she turned it on when you left. This would bother me. Unless it wasn't very clear or she didn't understand? I would speak to her again.

Blondes and Leila she did tell her . Read point 2.

But I think she said point two after she had been found to be watching it iyswim?

Or at least thats how I read it??

No I don't think it's bad bad but I personally wouldn't do it (I'm a CM not a Nanny), for a start I can't imagine it being at all enjoyable because how much TV can you really watch whilst bouncing a 12m/o on your knee?! My DD at that age would've been pulling my hair out and sticking her finger up my nose, the last thing I'd be doing is enjoying my TV program . I now have two kids to look after (around the 18m/o age) and other than going to the toilet and the odd bit of internet (5mins here and there) I do not do anything that involves not playing with them/watching them like a hawk even though they clearly think I'm cramping their style!

It is difficult though - I would prefer her to watch the telly whilst she's got just one kid (and with the youngest too as they'll be far less influenced by it), so to be fair if the other kids were out and she's left with just the baby (and she's inclined to watch the TV) then that's when I would've done it too.

Saying that, if I were employing your nanny I would just mention that whilst you understand that she might like some downtime please could she try not to watch the telly whilst the kids are in the house, I think as her employer you can set the rules and if she doesn't like it then she should find another employer.

NotSure, i thought she told her at the start (?).
I might be wrong though....
We need OP to clarify this

Wow - lots more replies - thank you - I will come back in a couple of hours when I have a bit more time, but just to clarify something, I only spoke to her about the daytime TV after I saw her watching it with my 12 month old on her lap - it never occurred to me to mention it at interview.

I spoke to her when she started work about the amount of cbeebies I was happy with (older ones watch bedtime hour and I'm v relaxed about reasonable watching of tv or dvds if you need to get cooking done etc). But I didn't mention adult TV.

Mmm, am I happy with the rest of the two weeks? I need more time to think about that I think - I will be back!

Not sure. That's how I read it as in op didn't say no tv and nanny did say her ex family didn't mind it

but now that the nanny knows that aid it happened again then yes have words

X posts. I was right

sounds tho that there are other issues going on as well though

Ah ok. I read it wrong then.
If something is that important to you then you need to make it crystal clear. Choose some things that are really important to you, write them down, give them to the nanny.

Apologies to Blondes, Leila, Not sure