Au Pair problem - help me calm down before I talk to her

[Weegle]

Ok, so current AP not the best, but thought DS seems to be happy so that's the most important thing...

I have just found out the following (via DH who obviously wasn't thinking when he found out yesterday, so only just told me now).

Yesterday I was recovering post-op in bed. So AP had DS (3.2 yrs) all day, with plans to be out 9.30-3pm ish. She was given instructions (complete with timetables, cash etc) to take the train short ride to next town, take DS swimming, buy him lunch in the cafe, play in the playground then catch the x train home. I find out today that she apparently missed the train home (not a big deal, she could have waited for the next one) so called her AP friend (why not me/DH is beyond me if she genuinely thought missing the train was a problem) who she got to come with her car and pick them up. First point: I've never met this girl, or her host family. I don't know if he was in an appropriate and not damaged car seat. I don't know if the girl is a capable driver, her age, anything about her. Then, instead of being brought home they went to the friend's house (host family on holiday). I don't know how long they were there for - I'm suss about the missing train story because the drive would have taken longer and so there wouldn't have been time for a detour. I don't know anything about this house, AP etc. Apparently he was trampolining (DS mentioned this tonight hence it's all come out) - I don't know if this trampoline is enclosed, I don't know if the girls were properly supervising him. I don't even know if the family have dogs - DS petrified of dogs after being bounded over by one.

I need to calm down before AP comes home (has had a day off today). I've NEVER before with an AP felt that my DS' safety has been compromised. And I have to admit I'm fuming. DH is now being very contrite - saying he just didn't think but now saying of course it's not ok. I don't know if the reason I feel so strongly is that as a child I was in a car accident with an AP and lost my hearing in one ear. We don't have our own AP's driving DS. I'm really shaken by what could have happened to DS, what if we'd had a phonecall to say they were in hospital etc - I don't even know (although assume) the girl is insured.

In our manual we have things like "please don't have friend's round whilst you have sole care of DS", "please don't have prolonged phonecalls whilst in sole charge etc" - but I haven't explicitly got anything that would cover this - I even have "please introduce your friend's before having them around our house" etc - you would have thought if I want to meet them before they are in my house it would be clear common sense I'm not going to be happy for DS to be DRIVEN by one of them. Not that my manual seems to matter as it's been ignored on several (much more minor) points so far.

Help me calm down and know how to approach this so that a) I don't lose it (I'm not normally easily angered!) b) nothing like this ever happens again and c) relations stay cordial.

I'm very concerned that this might also not be an isolated incident as a friend of mine mentioned seeing DS and AP outside the leisure centre the other day looking like they were waiting for someone - yet knowing the timings they couldn't have been - they should have been inside.

Please help!

yes most nannys prefer sole charge but if you were a newly qualf nanny or wanting to get into nannying then shared care/mothers help with mum around is the way to go

plus they get new born twin expereience - which is often hard to get

just thought it may be worth a thought - always good to have an extra pair of hands about with a new baby, and esp with twins

other thing is you would be prime candiate for a college student needing a placement - they would jump on you - so might be worth ringing local college and talking to the childcare teachers and saying that you would like to be a family placement

this way you get FREE child care 4 days every other week or some do 2 days each week depending on course and will be someone who is generally wanting to work with childern and hopefully will have a brain

Very helpful advice, blondes.

Thank you Blondes - we rang the local college not long ago (before this current AP actually, so admittedly not with newborn twins) and they said they weren't interested but guess I could try again.

Sorry - it's probably not an easy question to answer but what sort of money would a newly qualified nanny want? I'm guessing that would put that option out of our league.

ny replys are sometimes helpful

def re ring the college - you would be a fab placement - my bf had twins and i suggested to her to ring her local college and they punced on here with glee- and my bf said the extra pair of hands were fab and even better was free!!

tbh i wouldnt know what a newly qualfied nanny would get, but if they truely want to get into nannying qnd obv you will have to offer nmw then working with 3 under 3.5yr would be fab experience and worth having a lower wage - i earnt £1.67a hr in my 1st job 18years ago

There are three levels of minimum wage, and the rates from 1 October 2008 are:

£5.73 per hour for workers aged 22 years and older
A development rate of £4.77 per hour for workers aged 18-21 inclusive
£3.53 per hour for all workers under the age of 18, who are no longer of compulsory school age

She sounds pretty rubbish to me...the lying, ignoring your manual, jam sandwiches and lollies for three meals!!! If an a/p isn't truthful, I think s/he's a goner. We had this. If you catch them at it once they'll do it about all sorts of things. It's very stressful, especially if you've got to have the help. If she's due to go soon, what's she been like apart from this? That's what I find odd - that you haven't had major issues before now.

Whether they meet friends outside of work time depends on whether they are meeting them for say coffee in town (and whether this is ok for you as an appropriate activity for your dc - maybe it's somewhere with soft play!), or at say a playgroup. I wouldn't want my ds to go to someone's house I didn't know.

A 19 year old a/p is not going to have the same standards or sense of risk as a mum. And in my view is quite likely to take advantage. We had this too. It's an unfortunate and not uncommon trait of human nature. I hope to avoid it next time by better recruitment and clamping down / checking up early on so they're clear about what you do and dont tolerate.

My son is only 2.5 & I don't employ them to have sole care. They have a very specific set of tasks to do, and times and they get to see that when they apply. If they're not interested, they don't continue. Like many agencies (I recently found out), I now also ask for a clear police check and a letter from the doctor. So that's how we are re trust. In response to one of DIOMs questions, a lot of them are choosing us becuase they like the way we spell stuff out upfront. But we have a big drop out rate too, perhaps because it does look like there's not much free rein (there isn't!). We are urban and don't offer the car and I wouldn't want ds1 to go in someone elses car unless mine or the grandparents or some childminders I know. With the next one there are going to be 2 mornings free play, but either at home, or in the park (across the road) or in the library and s/he will have to take him with his Littlelife reins when on roads. I wouldn't let them go swimming without me (and baby).

I accept I'm not the most laid back person and so now I make it really clear in the recruitment process about the kind of things that are important to me and the kind of person who would fit.

If you let it go (the car thing) & it happened again & sth went wrong, you probably couldnt live with yourself. So I don't think you're hormonal about the incident. Wanting to know the children your ds plays with in the park is in m view too much, but maybe i've got the wrong end of the stick.

What would be really good would be for someone to devise a "what kind of family are you?" quiz to give to prospective au pairs!! By the sounds of this thread, there's a need.

Best stick it out because of the short time period & yr situation, but on a short rein. I do feel for you.

Your child mentioned the trampoline.....If he is so terrified of dogs and one happened to be there, i'm sure that would have been disscussed a lot more than the fun trampoline.

Can understand your concerns about the car tho, but, at the same time you are being a little over the top if you have never dicussed cars before. Maybe she (wrongly) thought she wasn't doing any harm.

You need to dicuss with her calmly.

magicOC, if you had read the rest of the thread, you will see that the OP has already discussed this calmly.

Oops, sorry, need to check for extra pages before I post.

Am gla you managed to speak to her.

I hope things go well from now on.

Good luck with the twins.

featheredheart - a family quiz sounds like a very useful thing for both families and aps, but who is going to make it?

With regards to the quiz - I suppose it is the reverse of what question do you ask the au pair. On the recruitment side I do have a sort of list of questions that I think the AP should ask us, and once we are three of four emails into the correcspondance I do have a sort of here is a list of thinks you haven't asked us yet but I think you should have done.

Hi weegle

I lost all my emails

I think your AP has behaved badly if she didn't take your child to his swimming lesson and then lied about it but if you feel this has been dealt with you have to move on.

I am sure you could get someone to help though, don't keep her if she can't do as she is asked.

Hope tis is sorted out now - re: the someone else for newborn twins I personally would kill for the experience and would take a substantial paycut for a year to get it!

FBG - you back online now? have a good week away? If so will drop you another line...

Going to ring the local college again once term is back. Also have just started my new AP search for Jan and have had a really good response so far - 10 I've liked enough to send our interview questions to, 3 have replied so far - one in particular looking like a good fit.

I can see your concern but I think that the most important thing is that DS is happy and healthy!
You can speculate all you like about what may or may not have happened, but the only thing you know for a fact is that they both arrived home safely that day (presumably without a "there was a big, scary dog at the house, Mummy!" cry from DS when he first saw you).

Worrying about dogs, car seats, enclosed trampolines and foreign driving licences is totally useless from your bed.
These things are the responsibility of the au pair when she has sole charge - and if your argument is that you don't believe your au pair can judge safe and reasonable situations, then you have an issue far bigger than a missed train and some manual rule breaking.

Trust has to be the number one rule, and it is something that she AND you need to value and follow.
If you don't believe your au pair is capable of looking after DS in the way in which you would look after him (whether she, in fact, does or doesn't is almost irrelevant - you have to be convinced that she can) then you need someone else.

Yes, I think you have over-reacted, but I know that it's difficult 'letting go' of the control over one's children.
The reality is that simply because something is scheduled by you, your au pair still has to be your eyes and ears around DS - and something equally potentially frightening could have happened (God forbid) at the swimming pool, cafe, playground or train station - even though you had accounted for these things in the day's plans.

If you don't trust your au pair, find someone else - or, as you said yourself, go for a trained nanny if this would set your mind at ease. It sounds like you may be expecting a nanny for au pair's rates.

Good luck with your chat, but remember it's a two-way (three-way including DS) relationship.

Catherine

Hi

Yes, all up and running again. It does this from time to time

Au pairs should never be considered as a person who is responsible enough to take over the entire care at any one time for your children. That is a nanny's job. Nannies are qualified to take care of your children when you are unable to, i.e. going to work. A Nanny is not expected to do housework so you'll have to get someone else in for that if you need it! An au pair is there to help with baby sitting and some child care duties such as baby sitting and pickups, they are not to be held responsible for their diet and educational needs. They are expected to do light housework for a number of hours per week. If you have an Aupair then you cannot hold her responsible legally should something go wrong, whereas, if you have a Nanny then you can.

Get a Nanny which will be around £1,500.00 per month as apposed to an Aupair which is around £500 per month (including food). At least a Nanny will be completely qualified and legally responsible for the care of your children. You are legally responsible for your Aupair, they are supposed to be treated like your own daughters at the same age. You also have to make sure their health, well being and study needs are met also.

I'm a bit late to reply to this post I suppose but I do meet a lot of Aupairs and host families, it's a difficult subject but not if you go back in time and think more traditionally. I hear horror stories, plus happy endings, from both sides.

I have a revisiting Aupair at the moment, one of three who come back to me. They go out, have a social life, go to college and give me back 200%. The children love it when they come over and they are truly part of the family! I don't expect them to be 100% responsible for my children.

Just recently I had an aupair come to stay with me for the weekend as an emergency and I know the local family she was with. She was asked to leave them 2 weeks before the end of her time because of what I can only explain as sheer spitefulness from the mum after an argument with her husband.

They sent her off with a ticket home for 4 days AFTER she was to leave them and they refused to give her pocket money for her last week because she said she couldn't babysit immediately one evening due to her leaving party being that very evening.

Even if the poor girl had forgotten to pickup from after school club or trashed the car, got absolutely everything wrong and made a pass at the dad, she is still in a strange country and without any money! The Aupair in question is a medical student and her parents are worried sick, the only thing wrong with her is that she smiles a lot and tries to help!

I'm only telling you this so you know it works both ways and I'm concerned for some of the girls I get to meet.

Have a heart for them, even if they are not what you expected.

iamamummy2 - where can you get a nanny for 1500per month?? More like £2500 and then you have to pay out for a cleaner as well..not very suitable for an almost entirely shared-care job as Weegle has described. (Mother's help would be closer).

Alos by the time you add in phone bills, car insurance, petrol etc an au pair is more than £500 per month.

Glad I have never been an OP, think I might get one though I could do with an underpaid skivy