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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Au Pair problem - help me calm down before I talk to her

120 replies

Weegle · 12/08/2009 19:11

Ok, so current AP not the best, but thought DS seems to be happy so that's the most important thing...

I have just found out the following (via DH who obviously wasn't thinking when he found out yesterday, so only just told me now).

Yesterday I was recovering post-op in bed. So AP had DS (3.2 yrs) all day, with plans to be out 9.30-3pm ish. She was given instructions (complete with timetables, cash etc) to take the train short ride to next town, take DS swimming, buy him lunch in the cafe, play in the playground then catch the x train home. I find out today that she apparently missed the train home (not a big deal, she could have waited for the next one) so called her AP friend (why not me/DH is beyond me if she genuinely thought missing the train was a problem) who she got to come with her car and pick them up. First point: I've never met this girl, or her host family. I don't know if he was in an appropriate and not damaged car seat. I don't know if the girl is a capable driver, her age, anything about her. Then, instead of being brought home they went to the friend's house (host family on holiday). I don't know how long they were there for - I'm suss about the missing train story because the drive would have taken longer and so there wouldn't have been time for a detour. I don't know anything about this house, AP etc. Apparently he was trampolining (DS mentioned this tonight hence it's all come out) - I don't know if this trampoline is enclosed, I don't know if the girls were properly supervising him. I don't even know if the family have dogs - DS petrified of dogs after being bounded over by one.

I need to calm down before AP comes home (has had a day off today). I've NEVER before with an AP felt that my DS' safety has been compromised. And I have to admit I'm fuming. DH is now being very contrite - saying he just didn't think but now saying of course it's not ok. I don't know if the reason I feel so strongly is that as a child I was in a car accident with an AP and lost my hearing in one ear. We don't have our own AP's driving DS. I'm really shaken by what could have happened to DS, what if we'd had a phonecall to say they were in hospital etc - I don't even know (although assume) the girl is insured.

In our manual we have things like "please don't have friend's round whilst you have sole care of DS", "please don't have prolonged phonecalls whilst in sole charge etc" - but I haven't explicitly got anything that would cover this - I even have "please introduce your friend's before having them around our house" etc - you would have thought if I want to meet them before they are in my house it would be clear common sense I'm not going to be happy for DS to be DRIVEN by one of them. Not that my manual seems to matter as it's been ignored on several (much more minor) points so far.

Help me calm down and know how to approach this so that a) I don't lose it (I'm not normally easily angered!) b) nothing like this ever happens again and c) relations stay cordial.

I'm very concerned that this might also not be an isolated incident as a friend of mine mentioned seeing DS and AP outside the leisure centre the other day looking like they were waiting for someone - yet knowing the timings they couldn't have been - they should have been inside.

Please help!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

Weegle · 12/08/2009 20:24

And if she said "I'm going to meet my friend and her boys" then I'd say "fine, have a nice time". What I'm not happy about is believing DS is going to a swimming lesson yet in reality she met her friend and her boys and did something else entirely - whilst I was still led to believe he went to his swimming lesson...

OP posts:

AtheneNoctua · 12/08/2009 20:26

But she had ten minutes to get DS changed after the lesson and appear outside, right? Are you sure they didn't go? Why don't you call the lesson and ask if he showed up?

MmeLindt · 12/08/2009 20:27

That is your argument, Weegle.

She has misled you.

If she was not at the swimming lesson then fine, but you have the right to know. And she should have agreed this in advance, with you.

That is not controlling.

Original poster

Weegle · 12/08/2009 20:28

I give up. I came on irrate - I took on board what you're saying. Calmed down. Reassessed what I felt happened. And now I'm being assassinated. My sense of humour is now failing, hormones and pain back to kicking in instead.

We wouldn't still be in touch with previous lovely girls who come back to visit us etc etc if we really were horrid controlling people.

OP posts:

MmeLindt · 12/08/2009 20:29

Athene
I have never ever managed to get my DC changed in 10 mins after going swimming. And mine are now 5 and 7yo.

Original poster

Weegle · 12/08/2009 20:29

The lesson STARTED at 10.30 - he should have been in pool at 10.40. And they left here certainly in plenty of time for that.

OP posts:

nannyL · 12/08/2009 20:31

millarkie to answer your question...

if my boss gave me explicit instructions etc...
I dont think this is relavnt in my job... im a FT / Sole charge nanny and my job is to care for the children for the hours i wokr and ensure they have a balanced diet and do lots of differenet activities and grow into happy healthy children

There is no way my boss would tell me exactly where to go and exactly what time train to go on.... it just would not happen!...
and i do not work for the type of people who would expect to tell me what to do every second of the day.

If they say Drs appt at 12pm then of course i will be there. I will go by which ever form of transport I choose. we might walk / ride bikes / bus / car.
I might arrive earlier and go to the park... we might go to the shop on the way home.... we might meet a friend and then hang out with them for the afternoon....

ultimatley I would ensure they were where they needed to be at the required time, and before / after that would be down to me.

If we were just going swimming i would not predetermine the time i arrived and left... we would leave the house when we were ready (unless meeting frineds there etc when we would try and aim for a time) and we would swim for however long we felt like and go home afterwards, and as before we might go via any where we fancy on our way home.

Original poster

Weegle · 12/08/2009 20:33

yes but you are a full time sole charge nanny - NOT an AP. If I left an inexperienced girl flailing with no instructions and guidance I would be failing my responsibility to her, as her host family. But I guess I'm unreasonable in that too.

OP posts:

Millarkie · 12/08/2009 20:37

Weegle - we are listening (apologies for my joke to AN about the jam, I just knew it would be something she wouldn't like). Generally when people post about APs there are a few posts back from other people who are hosts, for some reason tonight you seem to be getting a lot of posters who don't seem to understand as well as those who are in the same situation. (e.g. that au pair manuals are de rigour rather than a sign of an obsessive).
Is ds old enough to ask him about his swim lesson (ie. did it happen? or did he go to X's house?) To be honest if you have lost trust in her to this extent it is probably worth putting your cards on the table and telling her that she needs to be honest about what she's doing (and take ds to the activities you are paying for) or she needs to leave. Over the years we have employed/hosted many young (and not so young) nannies and au pairs and the one thing I have learnt is that either they are honest and reliable...or they are not..and nowadays I would not be so happy to give them the benefit of doubt if I caught them out mis-leading me.
Hope you're feeling ok after your op

nannyL · 12/08/2009 20:39

weegle... i was just answering millarkies question that she asked me earlier in this thread

Original poster

Weegle · 12/08/2009 20:41

Thanks Millarkie - I know I'm feeling sensitive at the moment, so thanks for your understanding. We really are known to be a lovely AP host family so it's upsetting when people imply you're not.

Yes DS has now said he played in the park with two children's names I don't know - I'm presuming the children the AP friend looks after. Again - if she'd said (at any other point than his swimming class!) she was meeting x in the park with her kids I wouldn't have minded - it's the deception. And I feel the car incident yesterday is in the same vein.

OP posts:

Millarkie · 12/08/2009 20:45

Nannyl - exactly what Weegle just said.

What i was trying to say was that if your boss asked you to do something in particular e.g. take the children to a swimming lesson at a particular time, then that is what you would do (or at least they would trust you to carry out the request). Part of the joy of having a nanny is that the parent can request that dd goes to ballet, or ds is a bit tired so needs to have a day at home etc.

nannyL · 12/08/2009 20:47

ok...

so you had paid for your child to have a swimming lesson.... and she took him to the park...?

that is way out of order. Completley unacceptable and 100X worse that she implied that they had been swimming

There is NO WAY i would ever do that buy the way... if my boss specifically asks me to go somewhere (And i agree)i will make every effort to actaully get them there

MmeLindt · 12/08/2009 20:48

Exactly. Your DS was booked for a swimming class. If he did not go then it is important to know why. She could have arranged to see her friends another time.

I don't think that you are a bad guest family, you sound like you are lovely to your AP. But that you are very much involved in their activities with the DC. This is, in my experience unusual. My guest mother did not care what I did (within reason), as long as the wee boy was happy and content.

growingout · 12/08/2009 20:49

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Message withdrawn

Millarkie · 12/08/2009 20:49

Weegle - you're going to have to ask her to leave aren't you You can't trust her to take ds to swimming lessons and that seems a pretty simple task to me. And as I said a few posts up, in my experience if you have a childcarer who is happy to try to pull the wool over your eyes in one way then they are almost certainly doing it in other ways too.

growingout · 12/08/2009 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GypsyMoth · 12/08/2009 20:53

i was told i was a good 'old pear' all the time by the kids i worked with,bless!!

Original poster

Weegle · 12/08/2009 20:53

nannyL - yes but that incident has only come to light this evening due to a combination of chatting to DS in the bath and a friend who just happened to phone and mention seeing DS and AP outside the pool - when I asked her more info it was at 10.40 (she had picked her sister up at 10.40). That incident was last week.

MmeLindt - thank you. I accept I'm more involved than many families (and this is upfront with all AP candidates before they even apply) - I am a SAHM - just with a bloody disability which means I need an extra pair of hands.

OP posts:

Millarkie · 12/08/2009 20:56

Yeah - Nannyl - that's it!

MmeLindt - could be that your host mum trusted you because you gave her no reason not to I have had 3 au pairs, number 1 occasionally had the kids sole charge for school offset days etc with me giving her no restrictions except 'keep with what you feel comfortable with', number 2 only had the kids sole charge on one full day in 6 months(when I had no alternative) which I planned for her in detail so she wouldn't have to entertain them herself for long or feed them herself, number 3 (current au pair) is so fab I have upgraded her to nanny (with appropriate pay and conditions ) for the school hols because the kids would rather be with her (again, doing whatever she wants to do with them) than in holiday kids club).
Horses for courses..maybe you were a racehorse (sure you were ), but sounds like Weegles got a donkey

Original poster

Weegle · 12/08/2009 20:58

Yes I am now sure he did NOT swim last week at his class - DS confirmed this in the bath tonight. But that was after my original post. But as someone else said, I obviously already had doubts about trust.

And I know it's probably hard to read on here, but I really DON'T lose my rag. DH gets nuts at me NOT getting nuts. It takes a LOT to rile me (admittedly less so when I'm preggers and in pain!). I would NEVER shout, or rage at an AP. I simply wouldn't do it. That is precisely why I felt I needed to calm down as I would only want to talk to her calmly and rationally.

Milalrkie - what I feel I need to do is rein her in and not give her sole charge until I feel she can be trusted - but that'll definitely get me deemed as being controlling

OP posts:

Millarkie · 12/08/2009 21:06

Well you are more tolerant than I am - but then I feel about swimming lessons the way that AtheneN feels about nutritional lunches!!

At a minimum I would get her to play with ds in the house/garden for a few days (until you feel a bit better) and make it really clear that if he is meant to go to an activity then that is what should happen!

Original poster

Weegle · 12/08/2009 21:11

Thanks Millarkie - that's what I will be doing (she's not meant to be going out with DS at all anyway tomorrow as we have friends coming over - so she just mucks in with that, and Friday she has a full day off). I will also be saying I'm not at ease with him being in a car with a driver I haven't met and without knowing about car seat arrangements - even if everyone feels that's controlling. As I said before I lost my hearing in a car accident whilst being driven by an AP - I couldn't forgive myself if something similar happened to DS and I could have prevented it. I'm hoping the fact that she's been 'caught out' being deceptive will be enough to make her think twice. And just be more upfront from the beginning. We have a perfectly amicable relationship and she has no reason to 'fear' me, despite what's been said about me on here, so there's no reason to be deceptive.

OP posts:

AtheneNoctua · 12/08/2009 21:16

Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought swimming ended at 10:30. I obviously didn't read properly. sorry sorry sorry...

I would be mad if I had paid for swimming lessons that they did not show up for. I would be outraged if she had the gall to lie to me about having gone. I would catch her out in a lie and then I would give her walking papers. No way no how would I tolerate this deceit. Was DS standing there when she told you he went to swimming? What must he think? It's okay to lie to mummy? Now there's a lesson for a 3 year old.

How much longer is she due to be with you?

MuffinToptheMule · 12/08/2009 21:16

I've just read through all of these posts and thought I'd give my viewpoint on this situation as I've worked as an AP and in a nanny type role.
First of all, Weegle, I really think that you are not in any way being unreasonable. You gave your AP specific instructions and she defied them. Child caring roles are based on trust and without that there is nothing left.
When I worked in a nanny type role I was 17 and my charge was 10. I was told what time I started and what time I would finish on certain days but never what to do. The mother had passed this responsibility on to me.
When I worked as an AP, from the age of 19-21, I was completely micro managed, not because the mum was crazy but because my role there was to be an extra pair of hands not to decide on parenting matters. I think you have been completely reasonable and in all honesty if your AP has lied to you, whether by act or omission then you should ask her to leave.
Finally, a big pat on the back for you (no hugs here) and sorry to hear that you're having a tough time right now.

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