Au Pair problem - help me calm down before I talk to her

[Weegle]

Ok, so current AP not the best, but thought DS seems to be happy so that's the most important thing...

I have just found out the following (via DH who obviously wasn't thinking when he found out yesterday, so only just told me now).

Yesterday I was recovering post-op in bed. So AP had DS (3.2 yrs) all day, with plans to be out 9.30-3pm ish. She was given instructions (complete with timetables, cash etc) to take the train short ride to next town, take DS swimming, buy him lunch in the cafe, play in the playground then catch the x train home. I find out today that she apparently missed the train home (not a big deal, she could have waited for the next one) so called her AP friend (why not me/DH is beyond me if she genuinely thought missing the train was a problem) who she got to come with her car and pick them up. First point: I've never met this girl, or her host family. I don't know if he was in an appropriate and not damaged car seat. I don't know if the girl is a capable driver, her age, anything about her. Then, instead of being brought home they went to the friend's house (host family on holiday). I don't know how long they were there for - I'm suss about the missing train story because the drive would have taken longer and so there wouldn't have been time for a detour. I don't know anything about this house, AP etc. Apparently he was trampolining (DS mentioned this tonight hence it's all come out) - I don't know if this trampoline is enclosed, I don't know if the girls were properly supervising him. I don't even know if the family have dogs - DS petrified of dogs after being bounded over by one.

I need to calm down before AP comes home (has had a day off today). I've NEVER before with an AP felt that my DS' safety has been compromised. And I have to admit I'm fuming. DH is now being very contrite - saying he just didn't think but now saying of course it's not ok. I don't know if the reason I feel so strongly is that as a child I was in a car accident with an AP and lost my hearing in one ear. We don't have our own AP's driving DS. I'm really shaken by what could have happened to DS, what if we'd had a phonecall to say they were in hospital etc - I don't even know (although assume) the girl is insured.

In our manual we have things like "please don't have friend's round whilst you have sole care of DS", "please don't have prolonged phonecalls whilst in sole charge etc" - but I haven't explicitly got anything that would cover this - I even have "please introduce your friend's before having them around our house" etc - you would have thought if I want to meet them before they are in my house it would be clear common sense I'm not going to be happy for DS to be DRIVEN by one of them. Not that my manual seems to matter as it's been ignored on several (much more minor) points so far.

Help me calm down and know how to approach this so that a) I don't lose it (I'm not normally easily angered!) b) nothing like this ever happens again and c) relations stay cordial.

I'm very concerned that this might also not be an isolated incident as a friend of mine mentioned seeing DS and AP outside the leisure centre the other day looking like they were waiting for someone - yet knowing the timings they couldn't have been - they should have been inside.

Please help!

And for what its worth, I think you are well within your rights to say DS cannot go in other people's cars. It just needs to be explained... possibly in writing. Maybe you could revise the house rules and add this to it.

yes DS was standing there

I can't think about that side of it because I've been wondering for days why DS has been being quite so cagey and weird in certain conversations - if I let my thought's run that he might have been told to lie to me I'll have a complete guilt-attack. DS and I did have a chat whilst he was in the bath about the importance of always being able to tell Mummy and Daddy the truth - but I'm not sure he even understands the word "truth". He seemed very confused but was coming out with names of children we didn't know and sitting on the wall (tied up with what my friend said), that he didn't swim but was in the playground. That sort of thing.

She's due to be with us until Sept/Oct and unfortunately I am in a terrible situation as I NEED the help and we won't be able to get a replacement in time for such a short time. I currently have 3 hospital appointments a week and am on crutches/wheelchair. DH will lose his job if he takes any more time off than essential - and that's just not an option with twins on the way. And I really did think she was fine - not my cup of tea personality wise - but as I said DS seemed happy, albeit ruder and more bolshy than usual.

thank you Athene and MTTM. I'm now really doubting myself over this whole thing.

Can you get a local childminder to fill in a few hours a day to give you a break... and would this even be what you need? Maybe you could find one to come round and collect him and drop him back off.

Or maybe a cleaner who could come round and help you with lifting chores a few hours each day? Someone who would be willing to do a bit of childcare as well?

No no no. Don't beat yourself up. These things she has done you have not. But, if I can be brutally honest, you should do something about the situation now that you know what it is. I am also thinking that in terms of the pregnancy that sooner is probably easier than later.

Athene - I want to be with DS, that's the problem. I don't want to lose out on these last few months with him before the twins are born and he's then in full time preschool before he starts school. Also - I need someone with me in the house with DS most of the time as I can't do things like pick him up if he hurts himself, help him with the toilet, get him out from behind the sofa when he gets stuck etc - things which aren't time dependent. So we work it that her 25 hours per week are mostly when I'm alone in the house with DS - the rest of the time I take DS to friend's houses etc, who help in the same capacity. The situation sucks - but I can't get down about it. We knew pregnancy would be tough on me (due to my disability). What we didn't know was that we would be blessed with identical twins who need a more managed pregnancy, and that would make my condition nosedive to the point of needing surgery at 17 weeks, and being extremely immobile until 3 months post birth when they can go back in and 'finish the job' on my pelvis to get me weight bearing again. It's not a normal situation at all - I accept that.

growingout - I accept it was convoluted, and I'm sorry for that. More information came to light after my original post. However - I am still concerned about the car issue. I will update my 'manual' and talk to this AP about my concerns. She will certainly then know for the future. However, given the other things which have come out since earlier this evening she won't be having sole charge again for a while yet which unfortunately for DS means a lot of time in hospital waiting rooms.

aha, she has just come home - so time for calm rational talk

I think you need another au pair pronto. It shouldn't be that hard to find one. Don't make your life harder to please her. The only reason she is here is to make your life easier. This is crazy. What is the point if you have to take DS with you everywhere you go.

You really are in a tough spot. My sypathies. Do what is best for you and for your DS and the twins.

Hi Weegle... sorry to hear things aren't great for you. Having had AP's for years you know I'd completely support you on the driving issue...
We always needed a driver living rurally and we always had to have drivers over 21, with at least a few years of actual driving experience rather than just being in possession of a licence
and have had multiple lessons driving here before we let them loose on the kids.
There's no way on earth I'd be happy them getting in a car with an unknown foreign driver in their teens... car seat or not.
I've seen some scary driving and had to send home a lovely Romanian girl who's driving was so poor.
Then as for the deception... well you are going to have to call her on this. If you don't want her to leave I'd give her a formal warning, with the understanding that if she lies to you again about the whereabouts of your dc she's out on her ear.

thank you Ingles - was hoping you may come along!

Ok chat went well and calmly. She was VERY contrite (and DH said I was very composed and calm). She understands that we feel uncomfortable with what's happened. She understands DS is not to go in the other's AP's car and why and I have asked her to invite the other AP and her boys up for a play some time so I can meet them. All ended on good terms with chat about her day (she's had a day off). I'm hoping it's enough, with reining in her sole charge time for a while, to get us back on track. I really can't face trying to sort out alternative help at the moment when it's only about 6 weeks we are looking at. It's just easier for me to manage it this way - maybe not ideal - but what I feel I can cope with. If she walked out tomorrow we would be up shit creak because what would then happen come Monday at my next hospital appointment (which involves 30 minutes of being on a ward in a bed, so definitely NOT DS friendly!), or tomorrow if DS gets his pants stuck round his ankles?! - a frequent problem with toileting for my darling toerag

Right - it's time for bed. Thanks to all those for some constructive help and support. Glad it all got dealt with before going to bed as I don't think I'd have slept. I know it's not a perfect resolution but at the moment life is far from perfect, so it'll have to do

well done you! What did she say about the swimming lessons?

Well done for having the chat and it is nice to hear that you have reached an outcome which you are happy with.

Good for you for having a chat with her. Glad that you came to a agreement.

Well done.

Hi Weegle, coming on a bit late. Yes, there seem to be more than a few posters on this thread who don't quite get aupairs.

I completely back you up on the manuals, detailed instructions and risk of driving aupairs. I have no problems with dd getting into other mums' cars and carseats. But I will hit the roof if dd got into the car of another aupair, particularly if I was not told. I would be concerned about all the issues you raised.

There is less risk of that as I am in London and no aupair I know drives. But this (in hindsight) is definitely a house rule for a rural aupair.

Glad you have sorted it out with your aupair. I do feel the deception is diabolical but I can understand why it is necessary for you to put up with a less than ideal situation.

All the best for the rest of your pregnancy. Take care.

interesting what can appear on mumsnet in the few hours i am breaking my back working in the garden!
well done for having a calm chat with her and finding a solution you are happy with!
fingers crossed for all your hospital appointments etc, hope all goes as well as possible!

and btw apart from the 'what about if there was a dog' i think you were perfectly right to feel angry, for all the reasons you mentioned, plus the fact she was lying to you.
would be interesting to hear what she had to say about the situation.

yeah the dog bit was definitely me being completely irrational and hormonal! DS is terrified of dogs after a bad experience but I don't make any differences to going to parks etc because of that so that was definitely me going slightly nuts

Thanks again for your support all. Usually in this topic your get the ones who 'get' AP's and those who don't, and I think I struck unlucky to begin with.

All fine this morning. She completely understood why I was worried about the car - said she wasn't thinking and it won't happen again. With the swimming lesson I've had to give her the benefit of the doubt because I only have a 3 year olds comments, and a conversation with a friend to go on. I'm fairly sure I know what happened. However, I've made it clear what I expect and if from here I feel I'm being lied to again, or any of the safety concerns I raised have not been taken seriously then I will have to rethink. But for the moment I think it's been dealt with the most appropriate way to ensure we can go on with a happy home environment without yet another change for DS when he's already quite unsettled. Will certainly be keeping a much closer eye on things.

Coming to this very late but as an au pair employer so probably have a bit more sympathy with your situation that some other posters (have never been pregnant though so can't empathise there).

With our AP there are days when the day is very precisely timetabled and other days that are more laissez faire, that is the nature of the AP role as opposed to a different child care option.

We are rural, completely with you on the unknown car thing driven by another AP.

Lying thing is very unacceptable, have had this problem (in a much more minor way) and have frapped down on it straight away, completely unacceptable.

Dogs and trampolines I am more relaxed about but that is a personal thing, I know other parents do worry about this sort of thing.

I am glad you sat down and discussed it in a calm way, it does annoy me the way some posters jump in with: you have to get rid of her, type comments on here as soon as somebody posts with a problem. As an employer you have obligations to try and work through issues before dismissing them.

WEEGLE sorry you were lied to - parents MUST be able to TRUST their childcarer (ap,cm or nanny)

the car, i can understand, but if you hadnt said to ap not to go in cars, then she may have not known - sometimes you need to be very precise to ap's

you say she is leaving and that you will get an ap+ to help you out - would you be better in getting a newly qualified nanny/mothers help who could have some sole charge of the twins so that you could spend some time with ds?

i think you are nearish me so if I can ever help then please do let me know

congrats about the twins - i didnt reliese you were pregnant

ATHENE where did the white bread and choccy spread come from?

sure they were NOT in your cupboard

I have read you post WEEGLE and I do understand all your concerns. A fully trained nanny is a world away from a teenage OP.

Totally get the car issue,tell her in no uncertain terms that she doesnt do that again, but I think the issue here is deeper and you DONT trust her.

Couldnt you afford to employ an older more experienced nanny, with twins coming you dont need the added worry with this girl.

Good luck anyway.

Thank you BHMF and thebody - this AP is only due to stay until Sept/Oct anyway. Then the plan is to have a gap (we are having building work done - and will fill the gap with preschool/friends/childminder) and then have an older AP+ start in January after the twins arrive. I would love to have a newly qualified nanny or mother's help but I'm fairly sure we wouldn't be able to afford it. I don't NEED sole charge (and certainly hoping I will be more physically able post-birth) so that is why we've always opted for the AP route due to literally needing an extra pair of hands. I wouldn't want (even if we could afford) a nanny who would (rightly) expect to be given chunks of sole charge and autonomy I'm guessing? I wouldn't want to step on their toes. Unfortunately we really aren't your stereotypical AP-host family (who is, but going on what seems to be assumed here). We don't live in a huge house earning lots - we pay for the AP out of my DLA to enable us to have as normal a family-life as possible. And with twins on the way and the house a building site there really isn't any spare cash to burn.