Au Pair problem - help me calm down before I talk to her

[Weegle]

Ok, so current AP not the best, but thought DS seems to be happy so that's the most important thing...

I have just found out the following (via DH who obviously wasn't thinking when he found out yesterday, so only just told me now).

Yesterday I was recovering post-op in bed. So AP had DS (3.2 yrs) all day, with plans to be out 9.30-3pm ish. She was given instructions (complete with timetables, cash etc) to take the train short ride to next town, take DS swimming, buy him lunch in the cafe, play in the playground then catch the x train home. I find out today that she apparently missed the train home (not a big deal, she could have waited for the next one) so called her AP friend (why not me/DH is beyond me if she genuinely thought missing the train was a problem) who she got to come with her car and pick them up. First point: I've never met this girl, or her host family. I don't know if he was in an appropriate and not damaged car seat. I don't know if the girl is a capable driver, her age, anything about her. Then, instead of being brought home they went to the friend's house (host family on holiday). I don't know how long they were there for - I'm suss about the missing train story because the drive would have taken longer and so there wouldn't have been time for a detour. I don't know anything about this house, AP etc. Apparently he was trampolining (DS mentioned this tonight hence it's all come out) - I don't know if this trampoline is enclosed, I don't know if the girls were properly supervising him. I don't even know if the family have dogs - DS petrified of dogs after being bounded over by one.

I need to calm down before AP comes home (has had a day off today). I've NEVER before with an AP felt that my DS' safety has been compromised. And I have to admit I'm fuming. DH is now being very contrite - saying he just didn't think but now saying of course it's not ok. I don't know if the reason I feel so strongly is that as a child I was in a car accident with an AP and lost my hearing in one ear. We don't have our own AP's driving DS. I'm really shaken by what could have happened to DS, what if we'd had a phonecall to say they were in hospital etc - I don't even know (although assume) the girl is insured.

In our manual we have things like "please don't have friend's round whilst you have sole care of DS", "please don't have prolonged phonecalls whilst in sole charge etc" - but I haven't explicitly got anything that would cover this - I even have "please introduce your friend's before having them around our house" etc - you would have thought if I want to meet them before they are in my house it would be clear common sense I'm not going to be happy for DS to be DRIVEN by one of them. Not that my manual seems to matter as it's been ignored on several (much more minor) points so far.

Help me calm down and know how to approach this so that a) I don't lose it (I'm not normally easily angered!) b) nothing like this ever happens again and c) relations stay cordial.

I'm very concerned that this might also not be an isolated incident as a friend of mine mentioned seeing DS and AP outside the leisure centre the other day looking like they were waiting for someone - yet knowing the timings they couldn't have been - they should have been inside.

Please help!

K999 - I'm not judging your childcare choices - please don't judge mine. They all come with their pluses and minuses (and it's not all about money).

nannynick - I would have preferred the AP to wait for the next train (ten minutes, the friend's journey to her would have been 30 min plus 20 min back to our house). Failing that - for whatever reason I would have liked her to ring me (as she knows she can at any time) and I would have suggested she catch the next train. I feel it was orchestrated so she COULD spend time with her friend and the timings don't add up - either swimming or playground were axed.

I'm not judging yours. You asked if anyone had employed an au pair. I said I hadn't and gave the reasons.

Crossed with you Millarke.

Shudder doesn't begin to describe it.

19 is hardly a child.

And Weegle, pregnant with twins, disabled, and new au pair niggles would be enough to have me commited to the local crazy home I think. You are doing well. Oh, and surgery. That can't be fun. So, I do sympathise. But, also, you don't want to over react and send an otherwise good au pair packing when you need her most.

When are the twins due?

Coming at this from the other side, as an ex-au pair.

I would say that you are a little bit too controlling.

I used to meet my au pair friends (who my guest family had never met) and used my own judgement as to whether they were suitable to take the child into the home. Au pairs are far from home and it is vitally important to them to meet with other Au Pairs, to exchange moans and groans, to communicate with others, often the only ones that that speak ones own language.

As to the going in the car with someone you have not met. I can understand your fear, given your personal history but at some point in your DS's life, he will go in a car with someone who you don't know well. When he goes to school/cub scouts and goes on an outing. It is a bit scary the first time but you have to let go.

I think that in this situation the worst thing (and the thing that would bother me) is that the au pair has not been truthful about her day with your DS. Perhaps she knew that you would react like this and that is why she concealed the truth. If she had phoned and said that X was picking them up and you were going to their house, how would you have reacted?

Talk to her and tell her your concerns. But keep it to the main issue. That you were not informed where your son was and that is important to you.

Yes, AN, it's different styles, I would always prefer to be rung or at least texted if there is a problem (e.g. run out of jam for the sandwiches )

Weegle - I agree, catching the next train would have made sense. However when an unexpected situation occurs, not everyone will think of the most logical solution.
You could also be right that your AP was arranging to meet with her friend. However until you have a chat with her you don't really know what happened.

Weegle, do you have a nanny diary? IOf not, get one. And use it to review the day and what he eats on say a weekly basis. This is definitely fair game. We have a new nanny (an old nanny who returned actually) and I was cleaning her room over the weekend and ran across an old nanny diary. It was so much fun to read.

I have suggested some protein and veg at lunch might be more sensible but that doesn't upset me like the driving issue. Although I'm seeing other people have different opinions on that and so I'm glad I posted before speaking to her. As I am much calmer now - will find out about car seat and explain calmly why I feel worried about it. And what I would have preferred to happen.

The twins are due xmas eve and no this one will have gone home. We'll be getting an older AP+ for when the twin's arrive but she won't be having any sole care of the babies (again an extra pair of hands) - she may be taking DS to the playground or whatever. Typical AP type responsibility but not nanny level.

if she's JUST an extra pair of hands for you then why on earth does she have a 'manual'???

have been an au pair and then a nanny myself.

jam sandwiches?? dear lord,is the poor child still alive?? (where did the jam come from?)

Why do you leave your child, your most precious "posession", in the sole care of what you classify as a "19 year old kid on a gap year"?

You either fork out for qualified childcare or a nursery, for prolonged sole care.

You cant set such a rigid schedule such as "she could not have been on the outside of the leisure centre because according to my timings she should be on the inside". You cant control every single step of somebody's day in this manner. She is not a robot, or a piece of software for you to program, She is a person.

MmeLindt - I agree with you on the fact that the cover-up is the most worrying thing. Also agree that it is important for au pairs to see friends but... not when 'on duty'..au pairs don't work 50 hour weeks like nannies do, they generally have a lot of free-time to meet friends for coffee etc.

Oh, no. Now you are going to to tell me it was white bread and the jam had nutrasweet in it. (Athene shivers) I don't think I can take any more. Where is that number for social services? And what is your address?

My last nanny was 19 when she started. She was not a child. She was a good nanny. She wasn't perfect. But, she was an adult doing a professional job.

A good nanny I believe is far more determined by her personality than her age (assuming she's not 12 of course). 19 is old enough to look after 3 year old for a few hours.

can't keep up with the speed of this!

MmeLindt - I agree they absolutely need to build a social network. But our AP sees this other AP every day - that I know of. So I don't really see that an extra afternoon of her paid time to be doing a specific activity with DS should be sacrificed for social time.

I accept people are saying I'm too controlling. I find it amusing (given I'm really quite chilled when I'm not preggers) but am accepting what's being said. But not willing to budge on feeling concerned about the car safety.

Athena - no I don't have a diary. I've never needed one before as they really only rarely have sole charge - and for taking him to see the trains, to the playground, for a swim - I've always trusted that's been where they've been. I'm normally there (just limited in things like lifting DS, putting in car seat etc). She's done his lunch a few times this week, again not normal circumstances, because I've been unwell. And in an effort NOT to be controlling I didn't say anything about the jam sarnies until the 3rd time

Millarkie
My charge was a single child who definitely benefitted from the time that we spent at the African Au Pair's family (3 DC).

If I had an Au Pair (wishful thinking) then I would have no problem with them meeting with other families during working hours. I do that, why should the AP not?

DS would be happy - she feeds him jam sandwiches and ice lollies for lunch! That's the sort of thing I 'let go'.

If u are not happy with her why dont you let her go?

You sound like control freak!

benefited - sorry. Too much rose wine tonight

I had a nanny once who fed DD white toast with chocolate spread for breakfast. I nearly went into cardiac arrest.

Actually, the more I read here the more I think there is more to this story and you are already annoyed with a whole lot of things that just boiled to the surface today. If I had given instruction to a nanny / au pair to go to a specific activity (especially one for which I had paid) I would be very upset about her blatant disregard for my instruction. In fact, I'd be tempted to the insubordination bit I have listed under reasons for immediate dismissal in the contract.

Hmm, I wonder if the problem is that you are just different in your approach to having an AP than perhaps other AP friends are used to.

I know that I was given pretty much a free reign (is that right? rein? God, need to put the bottle back in the fridge) with regards to outings. The only time I had a problem was when I got back too late on the Dad's birthday, so ruining the families birthday meal. Which I am still feeling awful about, some 16 years later.

If your AP has friends who are used to going out for the afternoon, doing pretty much what they like, then she may find you a bit controlling.

My DSs have had french bread with nutella every morning while on holiday in Holland. Do you want my address too?

I didn't call her a 19 yr old kid on her gap year - I called her a 19 year old looking after kids on her gap year. Please don't misquote me.

And as I have said, several times, they rarely have sole charge. Particularly for any length of time. I had an emergency op, there was no time to plan any other childcare.

And if she takes DS to a swimming lesson which starts at 10.30 and at 10.40 she has been seen outside the leisure centre meeting a friend then I feel deceived when I say "was he good in his lesson?" "oh yes".

"Manual" might be misleading - it has things in it like our phone numbers, what times we tend to eat, how to dial international numbers on the phone, how to use Skype, as well as things like how we would don't like them to drink alcohol whilst babysitting (surely that's not unreasonable?!?!? and controlling?!?!?) - an information pack if you like which conveys a lot of information about living in our family, how certain things in the house work, where things are in our town etc.

And I really don't give a flying fig about the jam sandwiches! I'm not sure anyone's listening to me saying I've taken onboard what people are saying...

A 19 years old would know not to drink whilst on duty! So stop treating her like a child!

I feel sorry for ur aupair. If she knew you are talking about her like this im sure she wouldnt stay for a second! Poor thing(not you her )!