Au pair not working out

[geisha]

Having our first au pair is not workingout for me. I find it intrusive having someone else in the house and stressful having to consider someone else (I did't think I would). She is nice enough - some small inadequecies but to be honest if I wanted her to stay I would work at addressing those issues so it is unfair to list them. I just feel like I have another child to consider/cook for/worry about..... and don't need it.

She has only been here since Saturday but already I know it is not for me..... I will of course pay for her flight home and give her reasonable notice but please give me some advice about how to address this and when? Thanks.....

praedd - ok. Well I guess you've read most of the thread which gives you my assessment. If you are interested, perhaps you could CAT me your email details and I will ask her to get in touch? Also if you have any further questions you would like to ask please CAT.

Poor Geisha, I have been through something similar. My kids are all teens now but we had au pairs for 16 years and in that time got through over 20 of them, including one who stayed for 3 and a half years. Some were summer AP's and some for longer. I always knew within 2 weeks whether it was going to work or not and found the best thing was to be honest and get rid if it was not going to work, to avoid stressing out the kids (and me!!). Sharing your home with the right au pair is a fantastically rewarding experience. We still see some of ours year in and year out for holidays/weddings etc and love them like family members, but the ones that didn't work caused untold stress till off the premises! You know if it is right or not, so don't beat yourself up, as long as you are as kind as possible to the youngster who will always be a novice in the role no matter how experienced you become at the process! I hope you try again, because it can be huge fun having a bright, interested young person from another country to join the family - honest!!

Fallingstandards
Wow- are you the most experienced person here re au pairs or what?!

Please share some of your top recruitment tips, when it's only possible to do telephone interviews before someone is coming from miles away.

Pretty please .

Hi HarrietTheSpy...well I used an agency in London that somehow used to produce really good candidates - we almost never had a "miss" once we started using them (QuickHelp Agency)(but we don't live in London ourselves). They used to give me a choice of ONE! At first I used to say "Why can't you give me a few and let me choose?" and they used to say "Because you pay us to find you the right person and this is the one we think is right for you!" and usually they were spot on. The phone interview only really gives you a hint as to personality. I think you have to accept that all you can do after that is to give it a fair trial. On the whole, the ones who had a good social life at home were the ones who got the most out of it in the UK and just got on best all round, so that is my best tip. The sporty ones definitely settled in faster! Once I found a really good agency I stuck with them for several years gratefully!!

hi geisha

my email address is: [email protected]

I know that you're not happy but overall, is your au pair a nice enough person?

pHRAEDD - she is nice enough. fairly quiet and not bursting with confidence but not needy either. she would want to go for english lessons but as she is under 19 and an eu citizen these are free. I will email you now.

i would be interested in your au pair - our current one is leaving in a few weeks. we live near saffron walden

I'm looking for a French au pair, but not yours thanks, she sounds like a nightmare

We've had 4, 2 great and 2 who I have just loathed having in the house. 1 was so nice I genuinely preferred having her here to not having her, and was very sad when she went. The last one has been appalling, and am gritting my teeth through the final week. She's quite sensible really with the children, but just socially impossible.

the prob with our one is that she is lonely - we have lots of AP's in our town but she doesn't like them because they are German - so she sits by herself in her room and doesn't ever talk - very convinced she is going to go home so kinda want to pre empt it and get another one in and let her go. she only has to do 15 hours per week - no childcare just taxi driver.
first 'miserable' one we have had - i think she might top herself

englishspringer - mine doesn't drive. Do you need a driver?

English - just like mine! Doesn't smile, talk, anything. Terrible. So glad she's off.

i do need a driver - i think i may have found someone else. the funny thing is she can be a nice girl but just won't make friends, i don't expect her to be chummy with us if she doesn't want to but she just lets me cook, comes downstairs eats it and then goes back up - no help at all. we have AP's for the last 6 years and they have always helped out - you know if i cook, you lay the table and hubby clears away.
Don't get me wrong she hasn't actually donw anything wrong (well except for leaving 18mth asleep in car while she took DS1 to school - bit NO NO in my book - very busy main road - school 5 min walk :-( )
she just doesn't fit in with our family - she doesn't particularly like children and thinks that five mins time out for a 5 yr old is not enough punishment. DS1 wouldn't brush his teeth the pther morning and she expected him to be smacked, put in his room and stopped from going to play at friends house.
How do i tell her we want her to go? because personally i would rather ask her and be able to find someone than her deiciding in a few weeks that she is really lonely and actually leave us in the poo!"

English
Based on the examples you've given, I would just tell her it's not working out. re the child in the car, I would have gone ballistic.

i know i am cross - she only has 15 hrs per week to do - she takes over at 7.30, takes DS2 to nursery and then DS2 to school. then has to be around when DH is bathing DS1 so that DS2 is not 'left out'. i just feel so guilty. she has paid for her language school but she is the first AP where we have just 'felt' that she is not right. I have the blinking baby listener on at night in case she decides to go in to the boys room - i know i am pregnant and probably a little paranoid but never done this before and never felt like this. i just don't get why you would come to England and not want to be with the girls i have introduced her to, why she doesn't want to do anything and expects me to run round like a blue arse fly after her
i have an evening to think about it not sure how to start conversation :-(

english - I sympathise with you. Mine sounds positvely fantastic compared! Mine hasn't done an awful lot wrong apart from allowing herself to be manipulated by my dd and subsequently dumping her at my neighbours house (who we don't know very well) and the hot milk episode which I am perfectly sure would never be repeated. Mine does help clear up after dinner and will offer to help chop the veg etc. As I have said before the issues that we have had could have probably been overcome if I had been more comfortable with having an au pair if the house and had more time to spend with her.

An easy way out would be to say you are changing your childcare arrangements and need someone more experienced to do more hours. If she balks just give the examples - it sounds like she could do with considerable supervision.

English, what nationality is your Au Pair? I live near Cambridge, about 20mins from Wendons Ambo and have been an Au Pair in France and Nanny in Ireland, 21 Years old could maybe try to get her out for you a bit! If you wanted any help with babysitting anytime (if she goes) just shout!

seriously i think she just likes sitting in her room sulking - my husband calls her 'the victim' she is one of those people in life where everything is stacked against them. She even goes to language school in Cambridge - above The Cow just off market sq by Carluccios. she has 14 people in her class and they all go for drinks etc. after school on Tues & Thurs - we have 5 AP's living within 3 miles of us - i just don't get why a 24 year old would not want to go out and explore and make friends.
don't get me wrong she is a nice girl as i said before but i can just see us humouring her because we need an AP and then a few weeks down the line she goes home because she is soooooo lonely - that is all she goes on about - being lonely, cold in England and how we are all too soft on our kids.
definately going to ask her to leave tomorrow - will give her time to get organised and pay for flight home to France. She was meant to be coming away with us to Centerparcs on 13th Oct but definately don't want that.
best she goes before.
thatnks for advice

Hi englishspringer, I find your aupair rather perplexing. Could she be depressed? What will happen to the English school fees if she has to go home. Can you help her or give her time to find another family?

Agree she needs to go.

the language school fees are a talking point that we will have to discuss this evening - it is D day!
i think that she could be depressed - i think she may be bullemic
i feel very guilty about asking her to go but honestly she is making me feel uncomfortable in my own home :-( she is just rude and does not seem to get hte role of an AP. she hasn't helped once literally comes in and goes to her room moaning it is cold and why cna't she have the heating on all day. it is not the first AP we have had and we have had no other problems like this before - the normal this is how we would like you to do it but nothing else.
anyway i have another AP lined up for 17th - going to try and find this one a family - maybe she just doesn't like 5 year olds!

I agree that best to ask them to leave if you don't get on straight away. We tried to live with ours because we need an au pair but then she said she was leaving anyway. If I'd told her to leave straight away then I would not have had the horrible experience of living with her for two months.

we have decided that we are going to tell her that our circumstances have changed and that we don't need her anymore. going to help her find another family etc. i don't want to moan at her and then have her driving my kids to nursery/school etc. she is only alone with them for 1/2 hr but i just don't trust this girl.
thanks for all your advice.
Anyone want a French AP?

Gosh, is it fair to palm her miserable behind off onto another family?????!

your french au pair isn't called Sarah is she?

We had one like that and asked to her leave after a week as she was so miserable and clearly didn't enjoy being with the children.

Geisha.....there has been a change in our circumstances and we are no longer looking for an au pair. None of the children want another one and because i work mainly nights, my husband and i can cover the childcare between ourselves (hopefully!)

my concern is that we tell her why she is going and then we need her to run the kids to school this week. do we just tell her on Friday and then we are away next week so she has to be gone by then?
really don't know how to get rid of her but can't stand it a minute longer