Au pair not working out

[geisha]

Having our first au pair is not workingout for me. I find it intrusive having someone else in the house and stressful having to consider someone else (I did't think I would). She is nice enough - some small inadequecies but to be honest if I wanted her to stay I would work at addressing those issues so it is unfair to list them. I just feel like I have another child to consider/cook for/worry about..... and don't need it.

She has only been here since Saturday but already I know it is not for me..... I will of course pay for her flight home and give her reasonable notice but please give me some advice about how to address this and when? Thanks.....

No my lovely, I am not just disorganised busy and my pc opens automatically on Talk, so have popped in here once or twice!

I will mail back today, I promise x

Hi geisha, space is a state of mind . Speaking to my aupair, she describes her aupair friends as living with families in houses of all kinds of sizes. We live relatively centrally in London in a 4-bedder but don't have masses of space and only one (!) bathroom, but we manage. The good thing about a smaller space is that if she and her friends decide to crash out on a weekend at one of their houses, they tend to go to the bigger one - something to look out for but can be dealt with in houserules.

As for your dd 4.5 kicking off, my dd is 5 and had a very uncharacteristic paddy twice in the school playground at pick up time within the first week, when my new aupair went to pick her up. The first was ostensibly because dd mislaid her cardigan and the second was because ... I forgot, some minor thing. Dd also wet herself 3 times despite being dry for ages and ages. I put it down to starting Reception with a new uniform and perhaps the new aupair. But that was all sorted within the first week and things have calmed down alot.

There will be the usual pressure points (eg your dd forcing a playdate, or not wanting to do homework, or eating naughty things etc etc) which you will slowly work through with your aupair, as you have done. After a few of these incidents, which are actually finite, she will get the gist and know how to respond. As it is, she cannot read your mind. Each family is different.

In fact, unlike others on this thread, I don't require my aupair to do much discipline (ie only dh and I have the power to come down hard). But I do tell my aupair that dd is not allowed to be rude to her and she is entitled to refuse to do anything for dd that dd does not ask for in a nice voice and politely. I also told her not to take things personally if dcs are rude or difficult with her, because dcs are in the ordinary course of things occasionally rude and difficult at home to dh and I.

In time, I find that both dcs behave better with the aupairs and at school than to dh and I at home - which is just an expected characteristic of their personalities. Heck, we try not to take it personally!

does anybody live near the cambridge/bishops stortford area of the country. we have an au pair who is living in the house all the time and she doesn't seem to be able to go out and make friends. we have another two au pairs in our village but they were friends before she arrived and won't give her a look in. she is 23 and good in her own company. she goes out to language school two evenings per week but just concerned that she is going to get lonely

thanks blueshoes - your experience sounds similar. things haven't improved greatly today and I am almost too tired to try.ap gave dd2 (2.5 yrs) boiling milk to drink this morning. thankfully dd2's interest in steam alerted her to the drink being hot and she came to tell me there was steam in the kitchen! Isn't is common sense not to give a small child boiling milk?

Depends how she heated it. Perhaps the microwave was more powerful than she is used to. I'm not used to heating milk, and when looking after a friends baby superheated the milk instead of warming it. It wasn't a problem as I checked it first though.

Springer - I am the other side of Cambridge to you but I know my AP has linked up through facebook with a group of APs in the Cambridge area, happy to pass on your APs details if you CAT me.

Geisha, if I were you I would give up now.

The fact is you find it intrusive having someone else in your house. I don't think that will change however good the AP is.

Stop making yourself more stressed out and miserable. You've got alternatives haven't you from what you've said? Stop feeling guilty and sort it! I knew I could never have someone live in so never went down the AP route. No, no no.

Be strong!

grabshell - you are probably right

fourarms - it was the fact that she didn't check it or see steam coming from it and think about whether it might be hot. I would have found thius alarming even if I wasn't having difficulty adapting to the au pair.

Ok the milk thing doesn't sound good as they do require common sense in order for you to trust them, but I'm still a little concerned your expectations aren't meeting the reality of what an actual AP is capable of. They aren't trained in childcare, they are just young people who may have some limited childcare experience through younger siblings or babysitting. Had you shown her how you heat your toddler's milk? Had you been through, "this is how we prepare her breakfast" etc. But to be honest I don't think it's going to work out because she's obviously not what you expected from an AP, and you're understandably having problems with her being in your space and I know from my last disastrous one, once I couldn't bear her being in my space that was it, I couldn't think outside of that. What does your DH think? Maybe it is time to start looking for another family for her if you don't think anything is going to change on how you feel? Good luck, it's such a difficult position to be in when it's your entire homelife affected.

I would agree with Weegle - aupairs are young girls. Think of yourself at 18. They need absolute handholding, or you should assume they do.

Yes, the lack of common sense is not great. But again, I would say just mention it to her. When I was a new mother in hospital, I carried a really hot cup of tea and held it just over my dd. Another mother pointed out that if I splashed, it would get on my dd. That is me at 34 years' old and I like to think I have common sense. I NEVER did that again or anything close.

I have an aupair welcome pack that is packed with information for them from a detailed timetable, local info, to cleaning schedules to houserules. It is a bit OTT but I have about 50+ houserules, with an entire section on child safety including don't leave the children alone in the bath, don't let them go off with another person without checking with me first, put the brakes on the buggy if on a slope, watch them near water ... you geddit. Ok, I don't have the one about not giving boiling water to them ... I went through all the important ones with her on the first few days of 'induction'.

For my first ever aupair, in the month or so before she arrived, I spent it devising the houserules, thinking about how she would fit in, how to settle her in (including making friends and joining English lessons), what a typical day would be like. It was mental preparation for me and an exercise in lowering my expectations. Plus reading mn threads on aupair travails.

It could be that you did the same, and still feel under seige. It's ok, just help your aupair move on to another family sooner rather than later. I would think that families are still just about looking for Oct starts. You can expect demand to start falling off sharply soon after.

Tbh, dh nor I never really had issues with sharing our space with an aupair and dh was the one with concerns about privacy. It does sound like your aupair is doing your head in. I hope you manage to resolve this.

Blueshoes
Your list sounds great. I'm just wondering how does it work with au pairs whose English is so so? DO you just sit down and go through point by point to make sure it's clear?

Harriet, good point about the so-so English. I have to say I look for aupairs with reasonably good English (western European, Nordic), so I can rely on them to read my schedules etc and take instructions on the phone. That is because I am out of the house for most of the day until 4 pm.

If I was at home more, I would have time to actually physically show the ropes, but I don't. So I try not to faff around with poor English.

I agree with Weegle and blueshoes, Geisha. It sounds like you are having real issues adapting to someone living in your house and therefore you just can't help but find problems. It is not an easy or cheap option having an AP, so if you have another childcare route I would look into that. Really feel for you..
I'm lucky in that I'm freelance so have always made sure I take a week of with a new AP. That way I just get the AP to follow me around for a couple of days seeing exactly how I want thigs done. Then I spend a couple of days following her around, supporting and checking they understand. I also keep up a running commentary,..like you must make sure the handbrake is on when you stop at the gate,...check the seatbelts before you drive off etc etc
The best way IMO, is to assume your AP knows absolutely nothing about anything childcare/safety/hygiene related, just as we didn't at that age.

After what I described as a difficult week, I spoke to ap yesterday to find out how she was feeling. She likes having a timetable (so thanks to mnettrs for suggesting that ) but feels as though she is not doing things correctly - which is true. The issue is 2-fold - firstly I only had a week set aside to show her how we do things and maybe she needed longer. Second she is only 18 and has probably never had to clean her own place, or look after children (even though I chose her on the basis she has 3 younger brother who she said she helps to look after). I must say that I am not find her presence as intrusive now I am more used to it. Anyway - we have agreed we will see how this week goes, but I have pointed out that I am paying £80 per week for her to vacuum 3 times and do a couple of hours of kids ironing as I can't leave her with the kids so its working out kind of expensive. I am starting a new job tomorrow so can't just drop things when something goes wrong with the kids so I can't take the risk of allowing her to have the kids. Thanks for all the advice mnetters.

sorry, I think taking on someone of 18 who has very little experience is asking for trouble

thanks for your opinion cuddles - not hugely helpful to me now though

Hi geisha, 'I am starting a new job tomorrow so can't just drop things when something goes wrong with the kids so I can't take the risk of allowing her to have the kids.'. If you cannot trust your aupair enough to leave her with the children by the time you start work, it is a non-starter. You have to get rid - as you say, it is expensive to pay someone to do very little and take up space in your house.

How much sole charge is your aupair expected to have with your 4.5 and 2.5 year old? I assume the 4.5 year old is in school, so it is really the afterschool time. The issue is your 2.5 year old. My 2 year old ds goes to fulltime nursery, and my aupair (19 years' old) has sole charge in the morning for about 30 minutes after I leave for work and before she drops him off at nursery. But she has proved herself to be reliable and sensible and I am happy to leave her with sole charge of my dd 5 and ds 2 for up to 3-4 hours but not anything more because my 2 dcs are exhausting.

I don't think age is necessarily a factor (lots of aupair threads will testify to that). It depends on the person herself. Lots of ditsy 30+ year olds around, along with sensible teenagers and 20+.

Once again blueshoes is right Geisha.
Really you ned to go with your gut instinct and be able to go to work happy that your AP can cope. That said an 18yr old is very young to have sole care of a 2.5 year old.
So what'll happen when you go to work tomorrow? Are you going to leave her in charge?

ingles2, . I am a relative aupair novice on my second only.

As mentioned it's really a non-starter but had things worked out the ap would have been required to look after dd1 (4.5) from 07.30 (give breakfast and walk to school. She would never have needed to look after dd2 (2.5) alone who is in ft nursery taken and fetched by me. Anyway i have explained to ap things are not really working for us and am supporting her to find another family. she would be perfect for a family perhaps where one parent is based at home for some background support.

what nationality is she?

phraedd She is French.

geisha Sorry, we're fixed up with an ap for the next 5 months or so. I'm sure you'll be able to help her find another family. Even just on MN it seems that someone or other is looking for an ap every month or so.

we may be looking for a new au pair as ours goes back to germay in a couple of weeks.

Geisha: How well does your au pair speak english and would she be available for an interview at some piont in the next couple of weeks?

phraeed - her english is moderately good. Yes she would be available for interview - where abouts are you?

Herts (St Albans)

Our current au pair was just here for her summer semester and is going home to return to uni. She has been here for 8 weeks and has made several au pair friends.