Au pair not working out

[geisha]

Having our first au pair is not workingout for me. I find it intrusive having someone else in the house and stressful having to consider someone else (I did't think I would). She is nice enough - some small inadequecies but to be honest if I wanted her to stay I would work at addressing those issues so it is unfair to list them. I just feel like I have another child to consider/cook for/worry about..... and don't need it.

She has only been here since Saturday but already I know it is not for me..... I will of course pay for her flight home and give her reasonable notice but please give me some advice about how to address this and when? Thanks.....

novulty that will ware off....tee hee hee... I can spell

novelty that will wear off.....!

About the Birmingham shopping thing, why not say to her that you will drive her with you and drop her off and she will have to make her own way home or meet you at a set time at a set place. This way she gets out to a big city and you get time alone.

Timetable is a great idea. I also have a calendar on the fridge where everyone writes down what they are doing plus an AP diary in which she writes down what they have done or eaten if I am not around. This is mainly so I don't make spaghetti for the 8th time this week!

As for novelty, they will see the AP as a friend which is great. My DCs see AP as friend and me as mum and there is a real difference in their eyes. Don't worry about it, they love you more for getting her!

Does anyone have any thought or advice about au pairs plus discipline for the kids in relation to the sudden deterioration in DD1's behavoiour (aged 4.5ys)?

She's just testing the boundaries??

I think she is just testing the boundaries, but I find it difficult to express to our au pair what is acceptable and not behaviour-wise and she won't discipline them (time out in our house).

I encourage our AP to not discipline the kids becase (A) I don't think they are always good judges of what is/isn't OK and (B) I think the AP-child relationship works better if the kids think of the AP as on 'their' side, not their parents', IYSWIM. Obviously this only goes so far, but I think having them think the AP is their friend not their carer seems to smooth things over.

Just my view....

She must learn to discipline and you must be firm with her. Explain why it is necessary and although she of course can be friendly with the children, you need to know she is in control. The best way I've found of making AP's feel confident they can manage my child's behaviour is to leave them to it for a few hours. This gives them confidence that you are not going to be watching or about to step in. Helps them find their feet with the child in a way they won't with you around. Also, it's very early days for her to feel comfortable disciplining.

We also have a weekly timetable with set tasks that are done on set days, and also daily tasks. If AP is eating with us in the evening (we all eat together so slightly easier) then she is expected to help with preparations and help clear up. You have to be specific e.g. clean the bathroom on Tuesdays. Then on her first Tuesday you show her how you like the bathroom cleaned. Some take more initiative than others but assume no initiative and work from there. She is not another child and if she is able to relax in to thinking she is it will be a nightmare.

With going out etc, offer the lift but be explicit, say you and the kids will be doing your own thing and spending some time just yourselves. Sometimes the things we do at the weekend easily include the AP, sometimes they are just family things and there is no harm in this. As soon as they have some friends they will be off more anyway.

As for discipline, I explained to the au pair (in French so no danger of misunderstanding) that if the children are naughty or rude or hit her/anyone they are to be put on the naughty step for 3 minutes and ignored. Also explained naughty step routine - warning, saying sorry hug etc. She has 21 month old and just 4 year old for about an hour on her own each evening, and I think she needs to be able to do this when we're not around.

Mixed opinions about the discipline then and I agree in part with both.... will see what the weekend brings. I am not looking forward to it

Couple of comments if I may (coming late to this thread), background, single dad second AP just arrived, first was with us jsut for the summer.

When AP1 arrived DCs were all over her for about a week and then as others have said it the novelty started to wear off and a sort of equilibrium was reached after two to three weeks.

As a single dad I initially felt very awkward having this extra person in the house, and really barely new what to say beyond talking about some very basic facts of what had happened that day (no doubt some MNers will say they this a common problem with men and not restricted to when they speak to APs) but again things improved as time got on.

With regards to discipline I have said that if in doubt they are to side with the kids (e.g. but dad always lets me ...) BUT to report any doubts to me and I will deal with them. They are very much to try and be the dcs friend - I see the relationship very much as big sister. AP1 came to me about four weeks in and apolgised that she had to raise her voice to ds1 that morning, she then described what had happened, given that I would have probably have been throttling him at that point I congratiulated her on dealing with it correctly and then went in search of ds1 who was already in shock and chastened at raised voice.

With regards to the weekend I have been very clear with both from the start that this is there time and that they should sleep in and use this time to get out and explore. That they are welcome to eat with us when we are eating or they can just help themselves from the kitchen. If we are going out somewhere that interest them they are welcome to join us but I don't expect it of them.

I think others have covered off timetable, but both have had a timetable as part of their welcome to the house routine. It is quite prescriptive which has lead to its own comedy moments when ds1 saw it and then a few days later refused to move towards the bathroom five minutes before the prescribed time in the evening.

The one thing I haven't seen on here (and I confess to having speed read it) is how have dcs reacted to her and what would they feel if she suddenly disappeared?

dadinstead - thanks for your comments.

My DD's are a bit indifferent really. They do tend to gravitate towards her when I'm busy doing boring stuff. DD1 (4.5) gets the AP running rings around her. This afternoon she came in from school, stood on the front door mat where she would normally take off her shoes, with her hands on her hips waiting for the AP to taken them off for her!! And she did!! DD2 (2.5) has her moments - she will want o be with the AP if she can get to see dora on the computer but would prefer to be washed/dressed by mum!

marmaduke - thanks for the timetable, working on mine now!

Hi Geisha, I second the others in you giving it a bit more time. I am a live in nanny and like all situations of living with strangers it can take some getting used to each others ways. It seems to me that you are trying to hard to please which is ultimately negative in 2 ways. You are exhausting yourself and resenting it. You are also not giving your AP the structure she needs so she is prob at a loss as to what to do.

Def work on the time table and try and give yourself more me time with the kids. Also don't be afraid to speak your mind. I'm sure the ~AP would rather know that you want 'me' time with your children. That way she prob feels she is off the hook at having to hang around you to be sociable?? Also if you are upset or bothered it will show in your attitude and cause friction etc.

Just try and relax and see how it goes for a bit longer with clearer boundaries that suit you better - after all you did get an AP to help ease the load not add to it!! Good luck x

My new aupair arrived on monday and following a disasterous wednesday cleaning session I have now done her a day by day timetable of exactly what I want her to do right down to wiping the skirting boards. I then arranged for another turkish aupair to come over and explain it to her in turkish to make sure that she understands exactly what I want and apparently she is very happy with this. I came home yesterday to the most wonderful ironing I have ever seen and a nice clean house. My DH commented this morning as he got dressed " there's no way you ironed this shirt" Erm, no!

I really think that the timetable is a good idea. In terms of cooking, if I am cooking for all of us I cook for her and if I am going out or cannot be bothered to cook I make sure there is some fresh pasta or similar or else she knows that she is free to cook for herself.

Do not underestimate the childrens feelings toward the aupair. I never rated my old aupair, she was fine but I thought she was pretty crappy with the children but my 2 year old has spent the last week asking for her and looking for her. She really misses her.

I spoke very sharply to one of DSs friends who said to his au pair 'come on, my servant' It struck me that he was probably giving this poor young girl the run around and that she was not reporting him to his parents because she was unsure of her position.

In my experience a timetable is a must so that there is no misunderstanding of what is expected from her, it did work really well for us.

Also, towards the end of our au pair being with us, she ended up eating with the kids at 5-6pm, and honestly it was quite good because making an extra portion is nothing at all, and also you get a bit of privacy back...

In any case before you send her home do remember why you got her in the first place, myself I did really need the help and I did see the difference when she left !

Good luck !

Geisa, glad you could open it.

Sorry, that was my yesterdays 'International Talk Like a Pirate Day' name - not some random observation about my undergarments

One thing I explained to our aupair is that we don't eat in the evening on weekdays - my schedule is too scrambled to allow for that - so it was up to her to cook her own dinner, eat the children's leftovers, or prepare something she could reheat.

You absolutely need house rules and routines and to sit down with her and explain them. She needs briefing and briefing thoroughly.

Also we took a couple of days off work to help her to settle in and acclimatise. We introduce her to every 18-22 year old of our acquaintance and get them to take her out, enrol her in a college course, there's an aupair network website etc.

As for the intrusiveness, have you given her enough tools to enable her NOT to be intrusive? Does she have her own TV, computer to MSN her friends etc? Does she have her own bathroom or flatlet?

Hi All
I agree with everything everyone else has said really....
The only thing is the discipline. I've always worked on the permise that the AP is the adult in charge when I'm at work and she needs to be able to discipline the dc's if necessary. I have a page in my handbook which explains exactly what is acceptable from the dc's and what not, how to warn them and when computer time etc should be removed. I have always sided with the AP if there's been a dispute, just to make it clear to the dc's (who are 7&8) that she is in charge. I've never had an incident where an AP has been too harsh. There is also a page that says the AP should never, smack, hit, push, shake etc etc and I go through this very carefully when they arrive.

premise

Thanks all - having a tough day with AP and DH - am grateful for a bit of support from good ole MN.

She has her own ensuite room with TV, DVD, laptop/internet. I did pluck up the courage to say to her this morning (after she had made it clear that she was planning to spend the entire weekend with me) that the weekend is her free time, use it to explore, relax, enjoy and also I need time with the children too as I work in the week. She seemed ok but I had to prise her from my side in town (which is tiny) to get her to have a wander on her own as she wanted to buy a pencil case.

I feel awful that I feel this way about her but I do. She is a lovely girl, very willing and would be a great au pair for a family better suited to an au pair

............anyone looking for lovely french au pair..................?????????????????

Sorry, haven't followed the complete thread of this so may be repeating stuff.
I would urge you to give this situation a couple more weeks.
Perhaps be more literal with your AP and say 'I am going out with the children today and you can do your own thing'.
It's never going to easy unfortunately but hopefully you can get some benefit out of her and get things working your way. You are her boss and she will look to you for instruction.

oh dear Geisha not going well then......i do sympathise but you do have to give it time.

Can you not also see the positives of having someone in the house who can teach you too about a different culture ?

My husband works away a lot and I in actual fact some nights was happy to have someone to share a glass of wine with after a long day and I used to love hearing about different ways of raising children.

Dont give up too soon.....cat me for my home phone number if it would help to talk. I have had 5 au pairs from the absolutely fab to the just bloody awful!!!

MP