New Au Pair expects to go to language class every day -

[starbucksaholic]

Am I being unreasonable to say 'no way, once a week' - au pair now in tears (for second time in 2 days since she arrived) about this, not sure how much to stand my ground. Help?!

thanks, ingles2 . It is still early days but I can feel myself starting to relax ...

I too have generally only had university graduates, but one of my best relationships was with a non-graduate. (my worst was too for that matter!).

Currently I have a Brazilian ap whose parents are both politicians in Brazil. I'm not sure what she is getting out of the relationship with me, but I find her life very interesting .

Our most successful (happy and long suffering) sound like your Swedish aupair.

There are loads of resources on the internet for aupairs, and the aupair that hits the ground running gives me good vibes. I do offer to vet their new contacts and give my fuddy-duddy advice on staying safe.

Our most successful (happy and long suffering) sound like your Swedish aupair.

There are loads of resources on the internet for aupairs, and the aupair that hits the ground running gives me good vibes. I do offer to vet their new contacts and give my fuddy-duddy advice on staying safe.

Our most successful (happy and long suffering) sound like your Swedish aupair.

There are loads of resources on the internet for aupairs, and the aupair that hits the ground running gives me good vibes. I do offer to vet their new contacts and give my fuddy-duddy advice on staying safe.

anna, i agreed with you in the beginning but now i think you've gone completely crazy about the high profile families and educated aupairs and the difference between aupairs who use agencies and who use the internet. i find it sad if you really believe this.
in the uk there isnt actually anything giving the aupair or the family any rights apart from the immigrations rules that even dont apply to lots of the aupairs. yes there is rules that agencies set up for their aupairs but that does not apply to all of the aupairs in the uk. there is also the eu treaty which sets standards but it is quite general and the uk hasnt signed it anyway. so there has to be agreenment between the family and the aupair on anything they do. if they dont, they are free to find someone else. the familyl is not bound to work around ap's classes schedule, they just need to find an ap that fits in. for lots of families its ok and doable to have an ap go every day to school while for others its not.

ps. there is lots of czech aps with a degree/ on a year off uni/ planning to study.

ingles2: "I have much more admiration for someone who may not have the best of circumstances, and any money but has the nous to get themselves up, on the internet, and travel to another country to learn a different language."

Totally agree. I find that worthy of admiration. Shows-get-up-and-go, the sort of character you need as an aupair if you are going to get the best experience. Very few things in life come to you on a platter. The aupairs that expect it are less adaptable IMO and consequently less likely to find their fit.

jura, agree that agencies are often not worth their fees. My German aupair said the German agency she signed up with vetted her carefully, but the sister UK agency did not vet the family.

Lol, about the Dear Family letter, but trying to keep an open mind about French aupairs' standard of English despite having read similar.

where has the Op gone?

My French AP had ok English, well it was good enough to be extremely rude and criticise my parenting on regular occasions

I think we scared off the OP, who I suspect was on her first AP!

Jura, do we detect the work of babelfish translator there? Most movillis.

I always smile when their opening letter starts, "Expensive family..."

Have just read Anna's demi-pair post which made me lol. Full board and lodging for 12 hours work per week! About two hours a day when a mother works from 6-8pm! I can see why Paris mothers love that deal .

The point is to allow English classes, if this is want the au pair wants, which are flexible and reasonable for both parties. This may be one or two hours every day, two/three times a week for longer or some kind of intensive course. A lot depends on the college, it's not all in the hands of the host family but both parties have a duty to do as much investigations and communication beforehand as possible.

From my point of view (a SAHM) I would never have an au pair again- it was too much work, expense and responsbility for very little return. I can only see the advantage for before and after school care if I was back at work.

One more thing about the advantages of agencies or personal recommendations. Ours came via a personal recommendation (Anna would love them as quite posh ), but some of what they said clealy can't have been true.
For example, a big attraction for me was that my au pair was supposedly a good cook and had been cooking basic but decent quality meals for her previous family. When she got here, it was obvious that her cooking was even worse than mine and that she had never opened her cook book before. Her meals included sliced potato cooked in a stock cube (and nothing else), spaghetti with single cream on top (and nothing else), so in many cases someone like Anna will not get a full picture of the au pair (or the family) and it's only when you are all living together that it will work out or not.

On the issue of personal recommendation, I am most wary of a personal friend asking if I would consider their daughter/niece etc as an aupair, however much they may vouch. I just think that by late teens, children should be finding their own way round. Family background is not particularly relevant, more the personal qualities of the girl. Someone who sits back and expects others to sort things out for them is not going to make a good aupair. In fact, i would question the motivation of the girl and have to suss out if she was pushed into it by her parents.

Evangelina, agree about how imperfect the interview process is particularly in the case of personal recommendation. Unless you trust the recommender to be honest and have similar expections to you, I would generally prefer arms length referees who I can grill and have nothing to gain or lose on both sides.

Good point about the motivation of the girl blueshoes. I definitely had the impression that my au pair had been pushed into it by someone as she seemed totally lacking enthusiasm from the word go. I did feel sorry for her as she was clearly very homesick (in tears a couple of times) and out of her depth. Her previous job had been in her home country and she had gone home every weekend, which would have suited her better I think.

Not an easy arrangement, but I agree a well motivated girl acting from her own resources is more likely to be mature and able to cope.

I haven't read all of this, but I think it's a bit weird to spend all your time worrying about your au pair's needs. When I get an au pair, I spell out exactly what I'm expecting her to do, including the fact that if she signs up for 9am language classes she'll have to accept that she'll be 20 minutes late every day. She has to agree to fit in with what I want her to do and how much I'm paying, etc. After all, the whole point of having an au pair is to have someone to make your life less complicated.

And I'm absolutely with Evangelina. I only have an au pair because I need someone extra to pick up and take children because they're at 2 schools and dh and I both work. I'd never have one otherwise - I've had so many difficult experiences. I find dealing with my childcare much more difficult than my day job.

With regard to the internet versus agency debate, our superb German au pair last year (found on the Internet) found a lot of friends in the area through various au pair websites.

On two occasions, we provided week-long sanctuary for two of her friends, both agency au pairs, who had been kicked out of their homes on short notice. Both - in our view - had been exploited as far as pocket money and conditions of work were concerned. Both had asked to renegotiate their terms and were asked to leave immediately. One was left sitting on the edge of the road 12 miles from the nearest town.

Both were nice girls who were pathetically grateful that we gave them shelter until their agency could find them another family.

And another point - one was a vegetarian, but the agency she was with did not mention this point to either families she was sent to.

I wonder whether having an agency au pair - and presumably the option of demanding another one if things go wrong - means that families are less prepared to work hard at the relationship?

I think families' expectations may be much higher if they've paid a fee to an agency. They expect (rightly in my view) to have the candidate vetted properly and to have appropriate information communicated to them (language ability, eating requirements, allegeries, skills (driving) etc.) They are likely to be more irriated when things are not as they were told to expect, and also are I WOULD THINK probably working to a deadline by which time the agency will agree to replace an au pair that doesn't work out. So from that point of view there is less of an incentive to try to iron out problems, as then they may well have to pay again for another placement.

I am not saying at all that this excuses the behaviour of the families you are talking about. I guess my point is there are plenty of crap agencies out there and it's no gaurantee whatsoever you're going to get a better fititng au pair or nanny etc.

Sorry LIbra I should have read your post properly and just said I agreed!! Yes, i do think so, in answer to your question.

Harriet. As long as you are agreeing I don't mind what you say!!