Help! What should au pairs get in London? URGENT

[majorstress]

I'm paying £80 pocket money, all food, own room with new tv, dvd and radio. 3 x 3 hours English classes a week, just paid £137 for 12 weeks. Original agreement was this would rise to £100 this month, but hours were from 2:30 to 8 pm, 2 kids one at school one at FULLTIME nursery. She has talked me into letting her knock off at 6:30, and to let her off most of the housework which is ironing. The other housework is done to the minimum, very passive and helpless about everything, doesn't seem to know how to change a bed, or hoover, or cook despite talking about it all the time. I am finding myself working non-stop doing housework as well as a full time job, and failing dismally at coping with either, with continual colds and a back injury. Now she wants me to honor the £100 part of the deal. Am I a mug? a slavedriver? Should I find someone else? Quit my job? Kill myself?

I didn't give my previous au pair a reference because she wasn't fit to look after children.

However, you don't have to hand them a written reference. You can just tell the au pair to have a prospective employer contact you. I think that would be the case in any other employer/employee relationship, and I don't see why it would be different for au pairs.

If you do want to give them something to take away, then dates and duties are fine. How well those duties were performed is better on the telephone.

You ladies are obviously nicer than me >sigh

But, Ameriscot, you have the advantage of being there to supervise a potentially scorn soon to be former employee. Majorstress has to go to work and leaver this girl 1- with free reign to her house and 2- with control of her kids' welfare.

Those are big risks (incidentally they are risks I wouldn't take). When I told lidka to leave, it was with about 4 hours notice and I stayed home to supervise the situation.

Nice I am not. Nobody likes me here on mumsnet. My views are much too harsh on most subjects. Everything from welfare to parent's employer obligation make many an enemy around here.

I should probably stop telling people what town I live in...

LOL Uwila re where you live . Know what you mean. I have 2 names on this site because somehow I found that I was too scared to post as the complete me in case people judged me too harshly!!

Otherwise you are right re Majorstress' situation.

BTW Majorstress it is time to change your name! What about - Freeatlast?

I'm not here every minute of the day, Uwila. I have my luncheons and functions to attend .

UWILA - I LIKE YOU!!!!!!

I once gave an horrendous Nanny a short and abrupt reference. I then got a phonecall from a perspective employer who wanted her to look after a newborn. I would have liked to known the truth, if it was me, so told her exactly what type of person she was: abrupt, inflexible and if she couldn't take a telephone message without shouting at the caller, what would she be like with a screaming baby? The woman was so appreciative. I then got a rude text from ex-nanny calling me a bitch etc. I told her that she should have thought of her career as a Nanny before shouting down the phone to my boss. Since then I've heard agencies have been subjected to the same treatment as they won't take her on without a reference. Unbelievable but true.

ooooo.... steady on, 21. Advertising that know -- let alone like - me is bad for anyone's reputation on mumsnet.

Of course, you might be the sort of girl who already has a reputation.

rofl Uwila! Reputation on Mumsnet? Perish the thought - I'd be part of the clique! [burys head waiting for the mumsnet onslaught]

I like you, Uwila. I find your straight talking refreshing (plus you have been one of the few people to agree with me on some threads on childcare).

Errm, I have been out of touch last week....need to digest this all, didn't think anyone was still interested in my common plight...got back to work, decided to sign back on weeks before I had to as felt better (and let's face it work is a piece of P* compared to my horrendous home) and the minute I did, was told to move my office !!! obviously can;t lift anything as post-op spnial surgery-so instead had to beg,organise and arrange others to interrupt their work to help me! anyway just called back to say how about this one: rosessmell[email protected], respectfully applies for the position of au pair!

she starts tomorrow.

Just kidding.

Inertia is still around, and she never asked again for the reference which I had printed, so I kept it for now. I did just say give them my phone number anyway. She heatedly grilled me one night after being in the pub with her mates, implying that my paretns weren;t really coming (but it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, since she was so crap they feel they need to help me), and then when were they leaving (more salient but I was suitably vague). Resolved to kick her straight out if she spoke to me again about it (I was spending my 5 minutes of daily fun at 11:30 pm on the PC looking at a holiday break in Suffolk, and she interrupted that, and then I had to go to bed, and now it is full up). The next day she came in (I ground my teeth as she approached me) and said she had decided not to find another job, she had worked for some really wierd families (news to me) and would never again find one as nice as ours! (see I am way too nice! or a true mug). She asked when I would need someone again (ALARM!!!), and I said, truthfully as it happens, that the local Montessori teacher was thinking of giving up I just found out (AAAAARRRGGGHHHH), so the dd1 could go to afterschool club and I would put dd2 in full-time out of house childcare. So I didn't need her ever again, but I would call if I did (when hell freezes over). I'd have something to say if I was her mum too when she turns up expecting to return to sit on her backside.

AND, when the montessori teacher asked if SHE could have her (she is overwhelmed by elder care and her own teens right now) when I told her Inertia was "leaving", saying she seemed good with little kids (she is), I did tell the truth, and she soon realised that she did not want his person. Shame, she would do well with a bossy superviser if she could only learn a bit more quickly, but kindness is not enough.

I will never find the perfect solution will I? time to get over it and get on with living

I'm lost now. Have you found a new au pair / nanny? How long are your parents staying?

Latest is that parents are coming 21 March, just after Inertia leaves, staying till mid April, and they will cover childcare needs until then. Trying to find new au pair plus now, to start about April 9 to have an overlap with parents, I have a number of good prospectives all much better than Inertia on paper, and some references taken up so far, but no decision yet. I can only spend a short time each day on it right now, work for me and DH is melting down with all the previous disruptions. I'm being extra fussy for a few more days, requiring native English speaker, some experience and already here or all ready to come (so Americans are probably out). Mostly they don't answer their contact details, want a job and place to live today (but I don't need them yet), expect too much money and only to do purely nanny duties (without any nanny qualifications) or don't want to start until after I need someone. Or DH doesn't like their photo!

But they will want a job/home today as they are already here. If I were you, I'd consider someone who isn't already here. My ap was living in Canada and by the time I'd sorted out her references, contract, personal details, etc, she'd sorted out her visa (took 10 days). That will be plenty of time for them to fly over.

Thanks, I feel more hopeful now, I was thinking I was probably already too late for Canadians-last summer I spent months wooing a kazakh (I know, I was young and foolish) only to have it fall through at the visa stage. This put the whole Au Pair idea on a bad footing from the outset. There are a few girls in the UK in non-ideal or ok-but-ready-to-change situations, but I hoped I wasn't obliged to pick only from those quite yet. Don't worry unless you, reader, are that total psychotic slave driver in a remote rural area, I haven't heard from yours yet! {smile)just kidding

darn, messed up my emoticon.

Glad to help majorstress - if you choose a Canadian, my ap would be more than willing to point your prospective ap into the right direction about what she needs to do to get a visa. (Yes she is that lovely!).

Finally started to interview, last night a nice Lithuanian who supposedly had lots of experience with 2.5 year old- unfortunately her response to questions on discipline was pretty telling, i.e. what does she do if a 2 year old has a tantrum in shop ("Do children DO things like that? Why?"). DD2 is good but she IS 37 months! So experience is an issue, and obviously taking them out to a shop or anywhere else is pretty alien too. Also sounded like another Inertia on the rainy day ideas front. "Drawing." Full stop. So despite the superior English, I think the cultural barriers are too great for me at this point. Having to roar down the phone to be heard didn't help, luckily kids were out of it and Ineria thank heavens went out for the evening.

This morning I have another one, Australian this time, but she has done a nanny correspondence course and her last email (out of about 12 plus 3 references) as I left last night, said she expected £200 a week! In addition to room and board. Her babysitting (NO nanny or au pair) refs are good prior to the current AP one which is lukewarm, but maybe they want to keep her. Sounds like a remote place in Finland, with only 5 h a day, no housework at all, and parents around much of the time. I think maybe it's a waste of time to call her, even if I can persuade her to come on lower pay, I will have to hire a housekeeper as well and then I may as well quit my job.

Majorstress, keep in mind also that what she quote may be net, not gross. There's a big difference at £200/week.

SOund like you might still be looking when I head off on my whopping 2 months of maternity leave. Are you sure you don't want to borrow my nanny for a June and July? (I say borrow, but of course you would pay her instead of me ).