Help! What should au pairs get in London? URGENT

[majorstress]

I'm paying £80 pocket money, all food, own room with new tv, dvd and radio. 3 x 3 hours English classes a week, just paid £137 for 12 weeks. Original agreement was this would rise to £100 this month, but hours were from 2:30 to 8 pm, 2 kids one at school one at FULLTIME nursery. She has talked me into letting her knock off at 6:30, and to let her off most of the housework which is ironing. The other housework is done to the minimum, very passive and helpless about everything, doesn't seem to know how to change a bed, or hoover, or cook despite talking about it all the time. I am finding myself working non-stop doing housework as well as a full time job, and failing dismally at coping with either, with continual colds and a back injury. Now she wants me to honor the £100 part of the deal. Am I a mug? a slavedriver? Should I find someone else? Quit my job? Kill myself?

Hi 21, no, I wouldn't MAKE them come out with us every time. It's purely for their education and enjoyment, to see the country after a working week in one tiny corner of it. Inertia enjoyed going out a coupel of times, when I didn't come- leaving me at home wondering why I bothered to have a family, if I can't have any fun with them myself.

Well, Uwila, that was my initial reaction too. It seems a shame to discard someone potentially fantastic on such flimsy grounds-I have also rejected some very tall even though we are (car again), and some stick insects too (no more bingers/bulimic!). I'm doing my best to keep my girls knowing that they are normal weight and look great, and they need to eat lots of healthy things every day to be healthy. I want good role models for them living in my house.

I can appreciate your preferences girls and I was really like you Uwila - no photo - no applicant (or good looking ones - stike off ). But I really built up a relationship with our ap before I had even seen her photo. And once I saw the photos she looked like a lovely happy vibrant person with lots of friends (exactly as she is now and was in our correspondence). So make sure you go for ones that have smiles on their faces.

Also whilst my ap is overweight, she is a very good role model. She will not give my dds a biscuit until they have eaten all their vegetables. In fact, she got upset with my dh given dd2 chocolate before bed (so did I!).

Rather than looks, I tended to go for the ones whose replies to my food questions were that they like was fruit/veg.

Yeah, no nubile cuties either!!!! What a hard lot to please. The absence of photo DOES seem to correlate with involuntary exclamations on my part when I scroll down to the dimensions section!!!! I am trying to arrange a meet up with Canadian on neutral ground, not least so Inertia doesn't meet her!

Brilliant idea to ask to speak to her folks too, I've done that now.

Can you bring kiddies to meet up? Perhaps you could meet at the pool.

If you use the library, make sure it doesn't shut 15 minutes after the arranged time (speaking from experience here!). Good luck - who knows if it works out maybe she'd like to get together with my ap (she's 18).

Oh, I just thought of something. Scope out her view of Americans. Lots of Canadians are particularly unhappy with Americans these dayd -- especially if you happen to be a Bush supporter. Of course I'm sure SOME of them must like us. But, the last thing I would want is someone telling my children that being American is a bad thing. In fact, I'd have kick her you know what if she criticised my beloved homeland.

Just a thought... perhaps she longs to be an American.

Her mum is american so I think we can live together on that front. She's SOOOOOO young (20) was I ever that young? no way. We're kind of diluted anyway, my mum is from Liverpool, I've been away for decades, and am heavily outnumbered by the Irish Inlaw part of the family. (whispers I HATE BUSH!) sorry couldn't help myself. but will defend to the death etc etc right to think as yu choose.

AM thinking of making meetup part of her planned outing next weekend to the big smoke with her friend, happy to pay them into zoo, aquarium museum whatever, and I will bring the whole tribe! that'll kill or cure, doncha think!

Sounds like a good plan to me. Drop her in the bucket and see how she performs.

glad I'm not a plump, anti american au pair!

Was that a useful contribution to Majorstress' problem? Majorstress is American, and she is looking to replace an au pair who feeds junkfood to her kids just before dinner. So eating habits and potential opinions of Americans are quite relevant to the job.

If you were tigermoth, you wouldn't have the time to post on mumsnet as we'd be working your arse off!

oh no you wouldn't because I'd do my hardest to find another employer

I am tall and fat, but thankfully not an au pair

Good luck Major Stress!

Tanzie, I'm sure you'd make lovely au pair... after all the bads one's you've had you'd be sure to do a wonderful job.

Yippee!!!!!! I gave Inertia her notice! Mum AND Dad decided to come from the US for an extended holiday when she flies home on 17th March, so I don't need anyone until April! Did I say Yippee? I decided to leave it so she has to work out the notice to get paid, just can't stomach paying her for nothing, -and in the unlikely event she gets a new place sorted out before her (GRRR!) 2nd holiday visit home in only 4.5 months on 17th March, mum will come over right away!!!! She was of course upset but easily convinced by the "no room" argument. I don't want to argue about it. Now I have to try not to look too happy when I get home this evening...... meanwhile will keep looking for someone decent to start then, unfortunately the ones I had in hand all need something NOW, but they were all hugely superior even just on paper or a brief phone chat. No more Inertia!!!

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I was wondering how you were doing. How did Inertia take it? Were you smiling on the outside when you gave her notice? I know you were smiling on the inside! Did she do something to prompt this, or did you just get fed up and decide to end it all on your own?

Uwila I was beaming with joy! Well I wimped out to the max, I am truly evil and cowardly. I waited until she had dropped dd1 at school then phoned her on her mobile from work, on the pretext I had just that second got an email from my dad "insisting to come to England for 6 months". He does want to come now I put the idea in his head, but can't for that long. She tearfully asked if it was her fault, and I said oh no I just don't have room for everyone and don't need an au pair, but I would give her a reference (well she was always punctual at least, I won't specify particularly about clocking off or getting to the pub!). The alternative was to tell her last night just before bedtime when she as usual rushed in from the gym at 10 pm and sneaked straight into her room and shut the door. I would have had to drag her out and I didn't want a big row or even a tearful discussion then. At least this way she has shoulders to cry on in her English class, and when I was signing her up there in October I overheard the school staff trying to set up a new placement for some tearful girl, so obviously they will help her look in the local area to retain their pupil if poss. So maybe she won't be too miserable by the time me and DH get home (he is leaving work early to help me).

I was mainly concerned about the ticking calendar, her flight is already less than 4 weeks away, and in the contract, if she reads the fine print she might try to make me pay for her holiday or something which I don't want to do. As it stands she only gets paid for each week of completed work-if she leaves, I keep the cash. She has been really aggravating me though; she wanted concert tickets off the internet just as I was literaly going out the door with dh to hospital for 4 days, and he didn't do it right away, and now they are sold out-but hang on! can't a 23 year old figure out how to get her own tickets???and we WERE rather busy dealing with my emergency bloomin' surgery, but that apparently is UNIMPORTANT; also while SIL was visiting at the weekend having delivered dd1 from her halfterm at grans, Inertia hid in her room all day Sat, creepily, then disappeared for all of Sun (hurrah!) but then came in without a word, cooked a fry up and left all the dishes in the sink for the night! I have never left any dishes since she came as part of my very exhaustive attempts to SHOW her how I want things, so I haven't set this example-remember that I cannot bend down to deal with the DW at all yet, and DH wanted to chat to his sister. She seems to think that weekends are for her to make messes for me to clear up-WRONG. Yesterday Inertia told me off really rudely, implying I had lied to her, for not taking her to church on Sunday (she had gone out for goodness sake, and didn't SAY she wanted to go). (She was horrified when she first arrived and I asked as specified in the contract for 2 hours of help to get the kids to church, in exchange for ALL of Friday Sat and the rest of Sun off, so I dropped that after a couple of weeks-by then she decided she liked it I guess!) Then she started asking for the damned chicken again, she thinks I can just buy from Ocado ready cooked chicken spiced just how her mum does it, which is apparently luscious beyond her powers of description-she herself doesn't know how to cook it and had a little strop when I suggested she learn. I did find some frozen chicken dippers which she loved for a couple of weeks but now hates, she said. I also had suggested she go to the shop (15 minute walk) and buy the item in question so I can figure out what it is, and I will pay her back, or give her some cash, but this is also beyond her. Well, I had already made the decision but she has been soooo irritating the last few days, I really hope she leaves sooner but who would have her???

So far so good, she was sad but resigned to her fate by the time I got home, and can understand the grandparents wanting to come. She DID ask how long did I know about it? so I said agan I got the email this morning, and couldn't stop them (but why ask this? must have an inkling). I wrote the reference letter as promised-and just like the ones my predecessors wrote for her, it lists all the good points and no bad ones. I just hope the missing parts are glaringly obvious enough for a parent who expects things like, a different toy to be got out of the cupboard as I instructed several times, even once in 5 months, or their little ones to be taken out anywhere at all, even a corner shop. Or NOT to be asked for extra cash, bus tickets etc for free every five minutes, even when it is explicitly refused by me(with an increasingly outraged red face ) every time. I KNOW that an AP is not a mum replacement (boy do I know), but really it takes more than just a zookeeper attitude-in fact even the zoo animals get new toys and shredded paper to play with sometimes nowadays! I certainly left out the word honesty-you cannot take a job saying "yes I will take the child swimming but this week I don't have my swimsuit, today I have a cold, tomorrow I don't feel like it and finally no I just don't want to and I won't, ever." Oh dear, she really is crap...I hope any prospective employers ring me and I can give them a better idea.....now I am on the other side of the reference, and I want her to go on and not have her life ruined...but what about mine, and the next tired mummy...

I refused to give the Sofa Gherkin a reference. It is not a good idea to pass this kharma around!! Inertia needs to go home and smarten up her act. You owe her nothing.

When Katkin asked why, I told her exactly why I thought she was not cut out for the job, I then asked her what her hobbies were and when she said reading magazines I suggested she find a job where she could do that all day .........

I gave Evil Imelda a reference which just stated how long she had worked for me and what her duties were and said I was happy to be contacted by phone by any future potential employers.

I think majoestress did the right thing with that reference. Inertia is going to live in her house (mostly unsupervised) for a whille. And if Majorstress refuses to write a reference, or writes one that Inertia considers to be less than flattering, then Inertia may decide not to be so nice in her time remaining.

So, I would say it is wise to keep Inertia happy until she departs. Then if someone calls to get the scoop, Majorstress can fill in the gaps.