Help! What should au pairs get in London? URGENT

[majorstress]

I'm paying £80 pocket money, all food, own room with new tv, dvd and radio. 3 x 3 hours English classes a week, just paid £137 for 12 weeks. Original agreement was this would rise to £100 this month, but hours were from 2:30 to 8 pm, 2 kids one at school one at FULLTIME nursery. She has talked me into letting her knock off at 6:30, and to let her off most of the housework which is ironing. The other housework is done to the minimum, very passive and helpless about everything, doesn't seem to know how to change a bed, or hoover, or cook despite talking about it all the time. I am finding myself working non-stop doing housework as well as a full time job, and failing dismally at coping with either, with continual colds and a back injury. Now she wants me to honor the £100 part of the deal. Am I a mug? a slavedriver? Should I find someone else? Quit my job? Kill myself?

ameriscot, what do you want the AP to do for you? have you got lotsa kids (you can tell I only come on here in a crisis)

majorstress, this sounds a really horrible situation for you and your family.

why don't you consider a childminder or a nanny?I think you'd get a lot more value for your money!Or maybe a mothers help if a nanny is a bit too pricey? Going by what I've read on mumsnet, au pairs sound more trouble than they're worth!Although I'm sure there are some stars out there!

Good luck getting someone new (and I think you'll have to!!)

If you need to discuss anything with your au pair, you are right to insist that the children are out of the way. It's good to be a non-confrontational as possible with her - so sit down with her offer her a cup of coffee or glass of wine.

She might have money at the top of the agenda, but remember that you are in charge. But, you need to give her an opportunity to save face etc.

I think it is a good idea after a few months to sit down with her and get her to write down three or four things that she likes being about an au pair, and three or four things that she doesn't like. From this, you can go through her hours and duties, and get her to assess how she thinks she is doing. Hopefully, she will confess that she isn't doing that great a job, and then the money issue should fall away quite easily.

From what you have said already, her work isn't up to scratch and her hours are less than you initially agree. That should mean that a pay raise is out of the question.

Invite her to find another family that offers a better deal than you are giving her.

I have five kids . The au pair's duties are to do the school run for 2 of them, and babysit while I do the school run for the older ones. Then to do 2 - 3 hours of housework per day. I also need occasional babysitting of my 2 year old in the day, but the au pair would not be expected to do cleaning at the same time.

You are being diddled.

We pay our au-pair £70/week, own room TV, CD player, shared bathroom with kids. She does 7.30am-12.30 then 6-7pm. She cleans the house when ds is asleep and takes him for walks, tidies up at the end of the day and does 2 nights babysitting a week. If I need extra hours I pay £6/hour, but many au-pairs I know only get £5/hour.

Remember it is YOUR house. You are not a slavedriver asking them to fulfill these duties. Don't forget that you also are giving them a bed and meals which, if they were in their own flat, would cost them at least £70/week. So don't do yourself down and TAKE CONTROL.

Good Luck

Forgot to say - have 3 kids in our house!

Thanks all, felliing a bit calmer now, apart from having to absolutley INSIST that she tick off the list I spent an hour making on friday and put up on the kitchen wall. As I was struggling to get the nearly-cold meal on the table, she said she did didn;t need to do the ticking off, because everything except X was done -I said I put up the list because I am TOO BUSY right now (Obviously to anyone in the universe except her)to think about X and enter into a discussion about it, and I will look at it later. Then she went out to her exercise class. I myself can't even do the exercises prescribed by the physio at the hospital, no time or peace. But then guess what? whitout being asked, DDs cleared all the dishes off the table, DD1 got a cloth and wiped everything in the house, and DD2 age 2 got her feather duster I had to buy her (or tantrums) and dusted. For 2o minutes, while I got the DW going!!!! who needs an AP? I'm so pleased with them:}

Yes I know about visas because the English school has noticed the sudden shut off of students from non-eu countries.

You lucky thing!! You are doing a good job of training them well

It has to do with the tories in the sense that they will use it to get votes, I do know labour is in power and they don't want to lose any.

I wouldn't bother worrying about politics in your au-pair decisions. They don't really give a stuff I'm sure.

majorstress, can't help with the ap issue but your dds sound like absolute sweeties!

MajorStress: sympathies. Having people to help you in the home is a very steep learning curve. What makes it difficult is the fact that a) you may not have any managerial exp b) they are living in your house c) they are looking after your children (when you are not there) and possibly d) language problems.
I would sit down with her and go over what was initially agreed re: duties and hours. If you have a list then great, if not, then make one in advance to show her during your chat. You could say that you did agree to pay her x at the beginning and increase it to x but things have not worked out as you had hoped as she is now no longer doing x, y & z (you could cross them out as you say it so it really sinks in) and is finishing at 6.30pm and not 8pm. So effectively a reduction in duties. Explain to her that you work a very intense day and need help and that's why you took on an au pair. You could say (depending how the chat goes) that you will review things in 3 months (?) but she needs to improve or that she should find another family as you feel you need to find another au pair who will honour her duties. (You could if you wish say that at the time she started your mind was on settling your dd at school, etc which for you was a worrying time and for that reason you didn't think things through properly before you agreed).
You could also say that if she doesn't do her duties, somebody has to and when you get home at the end of a busy day you want to spend quality time with your children not spend it doing housework which should already be done.
Re: the meals thing, I would insist that the AP eats with the children or with the family so that there aren't lots of "sittings" as and when she likes it, ie this is what we eat and at this time, etc.
It may be that you can't work things out with her in which case you will have to start again. BUT you will have learnt from this and you will be firmer in future. I'm not sure of the going rate, but I thought it was £60-£70 without paying for classes. You have been very generous IMO.
Don't let yourself get wound up anymore. Take control and you will feel so much better.

Just popping back in to say I had another thought. Since you aren't of course going to pay her that extra £20/week, but presuming you've budgeted for it, in the next couple of weeks perhaps you could find some genuinely helpful active person to come in of a Saturday and do 2-3 hours of cleaning for you? Not as a regular thing, as obviously you shouldn't be paying twice over the long-term, but just as a clearing of the air/lightening of your load and perhaps just a little as a role model for Ms Passive? Might open her eyes to the requirements of the job too, as she will see where "her" money is going!

I say this because we did find exactly that sort of person on gumtree - as a casual cleaner, which is maybe easier to find than an au pair.

I have to be honest, but having had two utterly disasterous aps, I would take the sane route and ask her to find another family.

If it is giving you more stress, then she is not doing her job and helping you. Why put up with it?

Totally agree, Marmite. The whole point of an au pair is to make your life easier (helping hand concept), and you do not owe them a living so get rid of anyone who isn't pulling their weight!

Well here is what happened. I got dds setlled in bed with difficulty at 8:40 (late for them), after doing the bath story routine on my own. Then she came out of her room and I sat her down at the (clean!) dinner table. I asked her to list 3 things she liked, and she came up with them, trying to get the 3 things she didn't like was pretty fruitless so I listed 2 things she's asked for like, more money, and to borrow my London Transport card at regular intervals. I wrote it on the contract. Then I said I was generally happy with her performance with the children but my previous au pair did all the cleaning and ironing as well, she was astonished that I'd had one before. I said I could no longer work from 6 am to midnight 7 days a week and I needed more work from her. She said she could work until 7 pm, and I had told her she could leave at 6, which I denied. I said no raise unless she did more work, and proposed she worked on Friday too which covers all the extra hours missing in the evenings. My working-at-home on Friday instigated in September isn't working and I am falling further and further behind at work too. She began to get upset, thinking I meant no raise but more work, until I said I would give her a raise to £100 but I had to have a LOT more help. She was so delighted with the raise that she thought she wouldn't get 2 minutes earlier, she tearfully thanked me for being such a great mom (gawd) then asked for the £16 textbook money I had promised. I know I shouldn't pay so much, though I did say no way am I paying for her transportation as well, and I am going to insist on much more help and make more tick-lists for her to complete. I did that with the previous ones, but they didn't need them at all despite worse English. Some people are just efficient and some are not, and some have it thrust upon them (me!). Maybe i can get the old one back to show her how to clean, thats a good idea. I tried to get a cleaner 2 weeks ago but she didn't show up for the interview and I lost the will to live (and DH looked at our bank account). When I get thinkgs organised, I will decide if she is actually earning this money and probably calmly find another better one for the summer.

Well done for talking. Good luck and I hope she bucks up her act for you.

Yes, very good luck. Keep us updated!

Hurray!!!

I think it is a lot to pay, but before DD1 started school I was paying over £400 a month for nursery care just for her alone and £80 a week for cleaning (I didn't do any housework myself at all) and ironing. So that is where I am coming from, it is still less money and not having to take and collect her from school each day is a lot easier for me with my back than 2 kids at two sites from nursery was. Having a live-in AP has also allowed me to put dd2 into a local Montessori now 3 days a week which runs mornings only, which suits dd2 very well indeed as she needs some firmness and structure that is lacking in the work facility. I had such a hard time getting an AP at all that I got the impression I have to pay this well to get and retain an adequate person. Hopefully I can either find the strength to mould her into a decent worker or ease her out on good terms once I have got things under control again. I have recently joined Flylady (yikes! what have I become) and have begun to enjoy organizing and doing it myself in some ways, I actually find ironing therapeutic to my amazement. I never did it before. My work involves too much sitting at a PC these days so standing up and doing chores actually eases the pain (bedrest makes it worse). Also the rest of the family including AP has a lot more respect for me and our home the past few weeks, as they see me working so hard to make it nice for all of us, and gradually taking control again as my youngest leaves babyhood behind (boo hoo), it is a year since we moved to this house and it is slowly taking shape as OUR place, and both children are suddenly maturing into wonderful humans before our eyes. (Apart from the cleaning frenzy, dd1 loudly praised the new recipe I cooked from the fresh ingredients I had rashly bought-they were all about to reach the sell-by date, so no resorting to the freezer tonight!) AP was exhorted by dd1 to try it tomorrow-I usually keep leftovers for her as she doesnt want to eat before her workout, understandably.

Oh my gosh! I started to read this thread yesterday, but didn't have time to get through. I've just managed now though. I can definitely relate to your troubles. I will be back later to give you a summary. But, I will say now that in the end, that crap au pair was sent home. I now have a new one who is wonderful. Both were found on greataupair.com.

Be back later...

Further update from majorstress avenue... I noticed some ads for APs in the newsagent window and they are offering a bit more than this for a local job and a lot more for two jobs in the neighboring posher area which is closer to central London. The children are behaving better, which I think I (or flylady) have to take the credit for somewhat, giving me time to explain and demonstrate things again and again in words of one syllable to AP. Now I realise that when she says "yes, of course I understand", this is actually Hungarian for "the what the flying "£$% is the mad cow on about now?" AP is working harder, as am I to immediately point out and illustrate mistakes, and making her repeat back what she will do from now on, (like I do if my 4 year old is really naughty or dangerously daft, about once a month in her case), and I got some interesting revelations like admitting that yes my DH did explain AND physically show her 10 weeks ago that I wanted the shirts hung up straight out of the dryer on the hooks and hangers provided RIGHT NEXT to it, you don't even have to take a single step, and not left in a heap making an extra 45 minutes ironing every week. He had grumbled when I asked him to show her, so I crossly assumed he hadn't bothered, our relationship is suffering greatly under the stress and we have barely a second to speak each night, or often not at all. But tonight she came in from her workout at the gym, as I asked, with the details of the swim class I want her to take dd2 to (this is a 10 minute walk from our house, and dd2 LOVES LOVES LOVES swimming). Before xmas she said she forgot her swimming costume, and when I offered her one of mine (same size), refused without even seeing it. (It wasn't even the maternity one! So stupidly I let her off swimming until after xmas as I was too hassled to organise it, and yesterday I told her it was now HER task to organise as she is there every day anyway. Now she says in a mopey way she can't go swimming because she caught an infection once. I.e. she is not actually prepared to do this task. I am furious , it was one of the main stipulations of the job that I want my kids taken swimming and I rejected everyone that said they couldn't or didn't want to do this task including lots who were better in every other way. I also noticed that the contract stipulates ironing, so again I let her off when I had said it in writing and should have said ok, goodbye, THIS is what the job entails so I want someone who will do it for me. THAT IS IT, SHE IS GONE AS SOON AS I FIND SOMEONE ELSE. OK, I'm off to greataupair again, wish me luck!!!

Have updated greataupair profile, with a much sharper description to scare away the woolly ones, but worried she will see it! and leave without notice. I took off the photo which was lovely, and changed my name a bit. oh well who cares anyway, really?