Denying Access to My Child

[JurassicAllstar]

My Ex and I have childcare arrangements where I have my daughter every other weekend and we share the holidays. I would have my daughter more but distance between us makes that difficult with Schooling.

I have recently got married, my wife and I chose to marry abroad for just close friends and family with no children. My 6 year old was in school at this point so I wasn't going to take her 2 weeks out of school for this with many people she doesn't know, only one of my family members could make it.
So we made the decision to have a smaller event in the UK after that would be more suitable for my daughter, we can make it more special for her then and not have to take her out of school where she would have more family around her.

My Ex (Daughters Mother) has since denied me access to my daughter, she is very angry I didn't take our daughter abroad. On fathers day she sent me a really nasty and abusive text message and I have had more since.
I have explained the reasons and that we have another event but she is having none of it.

Me not taking her abroad and out of education for 2 weeks I did in her best interest, it would have been selfish of me to put her in that situation with people she doesn't know and very little family of our own there, she already has anxiety issues.

Any attempt I make to find some middle ground with my ex just results in more abusive messages that are intended to hurt me but more alarming is that she is upsetting our daughter.

My Ex has a history with social services etc.
I just feel so desperate now, I want to protect my daughter and I don't know where to turn.

Do you have court ordered access arrangements? If so, just tell your ex that you will be collecting your DD at the relevant time and if she refuses to hand her over, the police will be involved.
Also, what a dick move planning your wedding at a time when your child was not able to attend! Your DD must be heartbroken.

You would need to consider going to court to obtain a child arrangements order.

Here's the govt pages about this: Making child arrangements if you divorce or separate: If you cannot agree - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

You need to get a court order for contact. Your daughter’s only young so the ex has the opportunity to piss you around for years every time you upset her. Can I ask who it was who moved so far away that she cannot see you much? Withholding contact is out of order. But honestly if my childrens dad moved hours away so he couldn’t see me much, and then made the decision to get married on a date and at a place that his own child couldn’t attend, I’d be a little salty too. Your daughter may be already upset at the exclusion?

Btw what was in her best interests would have been to arrange it so she could attend. Not arrange it to make it impossible for her and then give the excuse it was in her best interests because of your inconsiderate decision

Go to court to get access arrangements in place and if they are then you can enforce them either, through your ex, through court or as a last resort the police.

What was the social services involvement previously?

I agree with pp though, it was a dick move arranging your wedding specifically when you knew your daughter couldn't attend. That's on you.

Your decision not to have your own child at your wedding was ridiculous and guaranteed to cause hurt.

Your ex wife/partner shouldn't be withholding contact though.

Yes OP, sorry but I agree that you were cruel to create a wedding that your DD couldn't attend.

You obviously had a million options for where and when to get married, and deliberately made choices such that she couldn't be there. You do need to own that, and stop making it seem like the circumstances were beyond your control.

Your DD is hurt and your ex is angry - as many mums would be on behalf of a child whose feelings have been hurt. You should start by apologising.

If it was you who moved away and created the distance between you and your DD then you really need to re-think your priorities - you're at very real risk of letting your child down.

YOU were there op. YOU!! Are you one of those incapable fathers who cannot take care of their own child without a team of helpers? When I go on holiday I do not leave my children behind just because they don’t know anyone else there? They’re my bloody children! As it is you were there with close friends and family! And why was the only options apparently to pull her out for 2 entire weeks, or her not attend at all? Why couldn’t you have taken her for a long weekend so she only had a day or two off school? Or we’ve just had a half term, you could have booked it for then? I’d have flown her out with me, and then taken the time to escort her back home and then flown back by myself rather than have my own daughter miss my wedding. You’d have only really needed someone to watch her for an hour during the actual ceremony. You’ve excluded her from your new family and you’re now upset that your ex is pissed off at dealing with the inevitable fallout and is lashing out at your nasty decision

Go to court and get a court order.

Fwiw I think living away from your dd so you don't have any meaningful time with her really and excluding her from your wedding were really shitty decisions, especially if your ex has had SS involvement (bad enough to bring up here to make her look bad, but, surprisingly, not bad enough for you to have more contact or even have your dd full time).

She's not wrong to be pissed off, she shouldn't be withholding contact though.

Every other weekend is shocking. Who chose to move away?
'My Ex has a history with social services etc.'
What does this mean? Should you be resident parent?

She moved away, I do all the picking up and dropping off. I would have her every weekend but was not allowed.
I get that people may think it is a dick move but this was the only time we could fit in to get married which unfortunately didn't fall on a school holiday.
No-one is more upset than me she couldn't be there, this is why we have chosen to do another ceremony here in the UK that she would be more comfortable at.
I appreciate all the replies

The only time you could get married was a two week trip abroad?! You couldn't have possibly managed a weekend here? I get it, you wanted a wedding abroad and that's fine but don't try and pretend you had a gun to your head!

You should have included your daughter in your wedding.
There was no need to go abroad, surely?

EOW is not shocking. Lots of separated parents have this. It would be usual to have the child once in the week but distance means that's not possible I guess.

OP - you'd have her every weekend and let her mum just do all the shit school nights and homework etc? And you could have squeezed in a civil ceremony locally plus dinner at any point. Taking two weeks to do it abroad wasn't necessary. You chose to exclude your child.

Weird how you could manage to arrange a 2 week foreign wedding abroad, arrange a fake party at home for a consolation prize, but couldn’t just arrange a normal real ceremony also at home. Are you trying to kid us, or yourself?

I agree with this, you’re acting like you had no choice which is just bullshit.
im sorry it’s so difficult with your ex now but some degree of responsibility has to be taken for hurting your daughter. She shouldn’t be withholding contact.

"No one was more upset than me that she couldn't be there"

I'm sorry to nitpick OP, but this doesn't really make sense. I appreciate we don't know the details of your life, but if having your daughter at your wedding was a priority and upset you so greatly that she wasn't there, it seems highly unlikely that you had to sacrifice that in order to get married abroad in a two week trip. I'm not trying to be nasty here but maybe to understand a bit more, because it could well be that your ex is exasperated and upset on this front. It does sound confusing to choose circumstances like this when you say it upset you that she couldn't be there.

Why couldn’t the UK ceremony have been your actual wedding, or why couldn’t the ceremony have been at the same time but in the UK? I know you think this is irrelevant, but my dad did this to me, and it was just an early instance of the same thing happening again and again. Presumably no one held a gun to your head, you just chose to prioritise other factors over your child’s attendance. Stop pretending your child was at the centre of this choice. You really need to reflect on this if you want to be a good parent in the future.

On the actual question - if there are issues over when you see your child, you need to go to court and get a child arrangements order. If continued fighting between the parents is likely, there’s just no point in doing anything else. Get it court ordered, and if she messes you around, get it enforced.

There's a lot you could have done differently.

You could have went to court and stated your case for your dd staying in your area, you could have got a court order ages ago to solodify contact, and you absolutely could have got married with your dd there, you chose your priorities for your wedding and your dd didn't make the cut.

Your ex has dd 90% of the time and you fit in contact when it suits you.

Take this as your sign to get to court and get proper contact, but I bet you won't.

You can't have been particularly upset that your daughter wasn't at your wedding because you deliberately arranged it to take place abroad, and failed to include your little girl.
No wonder she's upset.

Honestly getting married in a location and at a time when your child can’t attend makes you a shit dad. Nobody needs two weeks abroad to get married at the exclusion of their daughter. Whether it’s your wife being an arse and you being weak, or you being selfish, I don’t know. But I do know that choosing to get married at the exclusion of your child and then moaning that her mother is upset with you is pathetic.

For the other stuff, go to court.

You’ve derailed your own thread so quickly that you may as well just get it deleted now. It was a shit decision to make, the least you can do is own it. You’ve lost any chance of sympathy now by lying out of your arse. All people are going focus on is your claim that you’re absolutely devastated at her missing it and would have done ANYTHING to prevent it, but alas the only wedding you could have possibly arranged was in a hot country abroad for an entire fortnight 🙄😂

What do you mean by "Ex has had SS involved"?

I can’t get beyond the fact you didn’t have your DD at your wedding…..she will remember that for ever you know…..when she’s all grown your lame arse excuses won’t cut it with her

Was it your second wife who insisted that your daughter be excluded from her destination wedding and fortnight holiday in the sun?

Or did you just think it would be a PITA to have to look after a six year old for two weeks?