Do Childminders in the same area keep a "blacklist" of parents? Long - sorry

[stressedtothemax]

I have been a regular poster for years but have changed my name as I don't want to be identified in my local area for the reasons you will see below.

We live in an area of small villages. 3 years ago my DS used to be childminded. The first childminder we used turned out to have a house so dirty we had to take DS out. When I say dirty I mean so dirty it was a health hazard and Ofsted have since warned her about her standards of cleanliness. The second was an older lady whose house was lovely and clean. On face value she seemed great and had many years experience. However she took an instant dislike to me and I later found out to DS too. She had an adult son with ADHD who had been deemed by ofsted to be ok to be around kids, but which I later found out had been calling my little 3 year old Ds things like dipshit and dick head. She also used to smack him but all this I only found out after Ds stopped going there as he never mentioned anything and apart from becoming a little bit clingier, didn't change that much and never said he didn't want to go. It breaks my heart even now to think of how they treated him.

I later met another mum at the school gates that I became friends with and it transpires her MIL was also a CM. She was actually present when this CM was complaining about me saying how I didn't iron DS's clothes and that DS sometimes had hair on his clothes. Well at the time I was working lots of hours and we had a dog. so what? Ds was and still is one of the happiest, well cared for children you can meet. The mum from school only remembered this because I have an unusual name and because she was so nasty about me.

DS has been going to a friend for years and has been happy but my friend has been taken suddenly ill and can't look after him anymore. I have just started a new job with unsympathetic bosses and need childcare straight away so I have had to turn to the CM clique again. I found a lovely one today who seemed really happy to have Ds, where she lives is perfect (I don't drive so need to get him there in the morning) and DS got on well with her DS. She said she needed to call another CM friend as Ds would be her first ever charge and she wanted to check some info on paperwork but that she would have him on Mon. However 2 hours after she called me saying she can't have Ds after all as her insurance hasn't come through and it is going to take up ti 3 months to come through. I said ok, if I found someone else in the mean time could she have him once her insurance had come through and she said she couldn't say as she did not know what would be happenning then and seemed really unkeen to ever have DS.

So my long winded point is, do cm's have this sort of list. The CM's where I live are all very close and my old CM was so venemous about me that it wouldn't surprise me if I have for some reason got a bad name even though I was always a good payer and reliable. This new CM knew that my DH used to be in the army, yet she had never met me so obviously tongues have been wagging. I feel so stressed because work are threatening to sack me because of this, and very upset that I have done nothing wrong yet these CM's seem to have decided they don't want anything to do with me or DS

I applaud you if you have got this far. I am so sorry for the long story but I wanted to give all the background and would love some answers!

Even the CM's on here haven't responded. Surely my bad name isn't world wide yet?

Sorry, that made me laugh - bless you.

I am not sure to be honest, I don't have any around me (I am the only c/m in the village ) and new to this but I would hope not!

Will point the c/m's this way..

Ah - thanks Crace!

I'm intrigued about the insurance taking 3 months , it is done straightaway over the phone, whether it is Morton Michel or NCMA it is immediate!

Childminders in a network do talk as we tend to fill vacancies by word of mputh, but I can't see why anyone wouldn't want to take you!

Unfortunately I think your suspisions may be correct.

Where I live CM's discuss far too much about the families they mind for (in my opinion)and if this lady was as nasty about you as you say, then yes word has probably (rightly or wrongly) spread.

I wouldn't give up on your search though as i mind a lovely little boy who started with me because my fellow minders wouldn't even consider him as parents were known locally a bit scatty and unreliable. I let the parents know right at the start that i knew their previous CM and the reasons she gave notice and that it was 'one strike and you're out' policy in my house.

He's been here 6 months now without any problems whatsoever.

I wish you luck

possibly you could be right,and if it true, then do you really want a cm who is that petty?

you have had a lucky escape imo

keep searching,there will be a perfect cm out there somewhere

oh dear what crap experiences you've had with c/m's
we're not all like that

but i think you might be right about tongues wagging but not blacklisting - 2 mindees i have who are lovely well mannered little treasures came with an appalling "recommendation" from their ex-c/m she said terrible things about them and worse about their mother [who is also a sweetie] i choose to ignore her and give them a fair trial - that was well over a year ago.

. This makes me feel so hurt as actually we were the ones who were wronged and yet we have the bad name. Its not even as though I have had the chance to defend myself.

I called childcarelink to query the insurance and they said that she could arrange an immediate cover note through NCMA. I called her back to let her know, in case she genuinely did not know (on the pretence that I had a friend who was a CM in the west country and this is what she had done) but she said she has a friend who has been waiting 6 weeks and she thinks hers will be 3 months .

T make it worse I had already told my boss it was now sorted and had told the tax credit people about the change in circumstances. I then had to call my boss back and say that it hadn't been sorted after all and now he is peed off with me about it and is talking about letting me go for unreliability.

I know 100% that if another cm gave us a chance, it would clear my name. I am biased, but my DS is such a lovely little boy and we are reliable and good payers. I want to know what has been said too as I am imagining all sorts and am finding the whoe thing really hurtful

Thanks everyone for your input - I was really hoping it wouldn't be this but my suspicions have been verified realy. Any idea what to do next?

Where (in general) are you?

There might be MN C/Mer close by

Would it be worthwhile speaking to the CM about this? Without going into specifics, but just saying something like 'I am probably just being paranoid, but I know our previous CM bad-mouthed me'.

It is a hard one to gauge, without knowing how you hit it off with her to begin with.

We are in Yorkshire Katymac.

DH suggested this Blueskythinker and said I should just call her and ask her about it because we did get on really well (or so I thought anyway). I refused because if she denied all knowledge of this then I would just end up looking neurotic and a bit weird.

Think she felt guilty as she called another cm on my behalf about me and then gave me her number so I could arrange a visit. Trouble is this CM is further away meaning I will be late for work every morning as I rely on buses. I have asked work if I can just shorten my lunch break but they have basically said no because if they do it for me then everyone may want to do the same. The cm in question also texted me the no of another cm too who may or may not be able to help so hopefully something will come of one of these.

Keepitprivate and vInTaGeVioLeT - you have both given me hope that someone out there will give us a chance. Once someone does then it will be plain sailng from then on hopefully but its so hard to prove yourself when no-one is accusing you to your face.

I really felt for you after reading this. This cm is breaching confidentiality rules by talking about the children and you in this way, how unprofessional! We do talk but we are very careful not to mention names/sex of children for child protection, its usually for advice too, not to diss parents.

Pity you don't live in Greater manchester, I would love to have taken your ds on as a mindee. I have 3 boys, 2 of whom constantly fight as they are brothers but I couldn't afford not to take them on as there is not much work in this area due to high cminder numbers.

You also have an unsympathetic boss, its not your fault you are having problems with finding childcare, if jobs werent so hard to get, I'd tell him/her where he could stick his job (up his backside!)

Good luck,

no advice, but hope it works out x

You need to bump this up during the day - hasn't it been well established that all the childminders are on mumsnet all day while looking after their charges?

Stressed - I am in Yorkshire, can I help at all?

Sally

Ah thanks everyone. You lot are lovely so it stands to reason there will be lovely ones in my area too. I just need to find them!!

Sally - thank you so much but you are about 50 miles away

Ah, well not to worry! I am aware of childminders warning others about bad payers etc, and I once took on a family who had aparently been notorious for bad payments. I never had any problem at all, and they were a lovely family - I was so glad I'd taken them on.

I often think it's bad feeling on the part of the childminder, who possible takes umbfidge when a parent decide to remove the child from their care due to other factors, so the C/M then tries to blacken their name.

Good luck with your hunt - I'm sure you'll fine a lovely childminder soon, who will restore your faith in us!

Kind regards,

Sally

Stressestothemax - in my experience childminders choose to take on (or not take on) mindees according to whether the days/ hours/ages suit them rather than anything they've heard previously about the child/parent.

We are (90+%) of us professionals in our field and would not be swayed in this way

Sooner or later her fellow childminders will suss her out for what she is (if they haven't already) and no one else will be made to feel the way you do

I feel very for how she has made you feel but you are right - as soon as you are established with a new CM everyone will know what a sweetie your DS is and what a fab parent you are to have, regardless of whether ypu iron his clothes to her standards - - at that!!

She's deffo lying about the insurance.If she has been minding more than a year she will get a reminder a month before it is due and can deff renew over the phone. I do, every year! Porkies!

In the new CM's defence I have to say that there may have been many reasons for changing her mind about taking on your DS

I've agreed in haste to taking someone on and thought better of it later

She may have decided for a number of reasons that the hours/days did not suit and only realised after discussing it wiht another CM - agreed she shouldn't have lied about it but we've all had things to explain to parents and used lwl's to pave the way

I feel she has panicked when op has tried to negotiate and has used insurance as excuse not realising that op would be able to easily check it out.

In short - her not taking the child might have nothing to do with previous CM

I know the CMs near me talk to each other, and gossip. Before I placed my DD i went to see lots of them , as I had never done it before so wanted to make sure I felt I had the best one. But I think they didn't like this and thought I was snooty. When I eventually found my current CM, she told me that she did not want me to discuss her affairs with anybody else. I had never done this and asked her what she meant and she said she knew every person I had been to see and who I had ofered the job too.

One lady seemed very keen to have my daughter and then called it off. I hadn't even done anything other than offer the job to somebody else first (who then couldn't do it) and she found out and was annoyed at being second choice. I was extremely annoyed as I never discussed with any of them who else I had been to see and thought they should extend the same courtesy to me.

Thank you all for your input. I was feeling quite upset about it on Thursday and am really grateful for all your comments and thoughts.

The strange thing is she seems to have had a change in heart. She called me yesterday to say she has managed to pull a few strings and has her insurance after all so will be glad to have DS on Monday if we still need her. She apologised for Thursday and seems quite genuine about the whole thing so hopefully things will be ok from now on.

Mindingmum - you are so right about other people sussing the old CM out. I found out a year after she had DS that my old next door neighbour used to date her years and years ago and he said she wasn't a very nice person back then really. I had a quick look on the childcare link website and she is not listed anymore either so at least she is hopefully not looking after other kids now.

KSmum -so sorry you seemed to have a similar experience. Its a horrible feeling isn't it and you can't even defend yourself if its going on behind your back. IMO you were right to go and see lots of CM's and they should have understood your worries.

Wishing you all a lovely weekend x

stressedtothe max - so are you going to use her then?

Or look around for another cm?

So shocked that your CM's are like that in your area! .
How dare they moan about your DC clothes not being ironed and having hairs, i never iron my DDs clothes as they are going to be wrinkled up and messed up in 5 seconds anyway.
Sounds like they are a very clickey CM group who don't like full-time working women.
I'm looking into becoming a CM and i think that the only reason i would "blacklist" any parent would be if they did not pay on time or were always late or if they were abusive.
I live in a small village as well and the next town along has lots of CMs and they even moan about each other!
So as a newbie i better watch out i suppose .

Imananny - Yes I am going to use her. Apart from what has been going on she is great so I am hoping this has all just been a misunderstanding on my part of hers.

Ripeberry. Thanks! You know typing about her has made me remember all the other horrible things she used to do too. Regarding the ironing thing she used to always say to me in a horrible way that if I didn't iron his clothes then she would have to, and she would say to DS "naughty mummy, making you go out like that". I bought him a lovely jacket from Pumpkin Patch which looked gorgeous on him but she hated it and would say to him when I was present "Oh that coat IS horrible isn't it". Also she used to pick him up in her car and once my dog escaped as she was sorting out the car seat so I took a minute to catch him and take him back in the house. when I returned to the car to give DS a kiss I noticed his door wasn't shut properly and told her she needed to be careful because he could have fallen out. She said it was my fault even though I had been taking the dog back in the house when the door was (or wasn't) shut.

Looking back now I am and that I never said much to her, but at the time my self confidence was nil and I just didn't have the courage to battle with her. How sad is that? She truly was horrid wasn't she?