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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Changing childminders & current one is making it so hard for me

40 replies

InATizz · 02/04/2008 21:48

Hi, I just want to get this all out in the open....

I have had a childminder for ds now for 2.5 years (he is 3.5)

My dd never went to her as she had clubs etc after school & I was always home in time for her.

Now my circs have changed, I have changed jobs & will have longer hours therefore I need a minder for dd also.

This childminder has no room for dd and as I would like them both together (no seperate travelling/cheques etc) I have looked around, interviewed minders & finally chose one last week.

The thing is that the minder I have now is going OTT (I feel) with regards to ds moving on. She blames me for wanting my children together and has told me 3 times in the past 2 days that no minder would ever love ds the way she does She calls him 'her boy' and often tells me what food he likes/dislikes etc.. I feel she goes overboard by telling ds she loves him....

Of course I like the fact that she so obviously cares for ds, but I feel she is making everything harder than it should be.

Surely a minder should be used to children coming & going... she has changed children 3 times since I have been using her.. she keeps texting me saying I am breaking her heart.. I have spent the last 2 days in floods of tears at my new job thanks to the texts she's sending me.

Ds told me this evening that she was crying today and told him that she just needed to go to sleep

I have ordered flowers for her to be delivered on his last day but apart from that I don't know what I can do... I feel like shit.

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Original poster

InATizz · 03/04/2008 18:55

Omg.

She has just rang me & we had a row on the phone

She still wanted me to send ds tomorrow, even though he has a contagious rash.... she said her kids would be at school & the others she looks after aren't going to be there. She was looking forward to it just being her & ds.....

THEN she asked me if ds had told me she cried. I said no. She said to ask him. I said I wouldn;t ask him & that I felt rather uncomfortable that she cried around ds. She told me that he hugged her & asked her not to cry & she said she was going to miss him & she told him this.

I said I was angry at her for doing this, as I wanted ds to look at this change as a positive thing & I would rather she didn;t have ds tomorrow if she was going to spend the day weeping.

She said she couldn't guarantee that she wouldn't cry as she really adores him & her heart is breaking....

I then said it was best if we left it this way then & that I would call up tomorrow evening with money owed to her. She said she wouldn't be in & then hung up on me.

My dh isn't here & I am shaking... I have never had a row with anyone before.

OP posts:

hecate · 03/04/2008 19:00

She sounds a NUTTER!! I think it's a bloody good job you are removing him, it's like she's trying to create a 'mummy' relationship with him. It's like she wants him to be upset.

I wouldn't bother trying with her again, tbh. Why not just drop the money round in an envelope - or send it recorded delivery, in case she claims you never gave it to her, and be done with her.

Get yourself a cuppa and calm down, you have done the right thing. I think you'd be MAD to send your ds to her tomorrow, after all this has come out, god only knows what she'd say to him!

crace · 03/04/2008 19:16

She is off her head, I agree with hecate, it sounds like she is trying to make him feel something he doesn't and SHOULDN'T.

Do not send him tomorrow - you are better off without her. She is not only unprofessional but this is reportable to Ofsted, she is nuts.

NorthernLurker · 03/04/2008 19:22

Eeeeeek! I think the recorded delivery is a good idea and I would never go near her again! That is hugely unprofessional and frankly rather creepy!

Just put it behind you now though - you have done absolutely nothing wrong!

Original poster

InATizz · 03/04/2008 19:23

Oh I definitely am not sending him tomorrow. As far as I'm concerned that's she & I finished.

I ordered a bouquet of flowers yesterday to be delivered to her tomorrow. On the card I have written thanks etc...

she didn't even give me time on the phone to say anything before she hung up.

God I feel like I am making a mountain out of a molehill.

Thanks for the links nannynick I will have a look now.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 03/04/2008 19:28

honestly I think you should tell ofsted, especially as you've now been told that it's happened before, she is not acting in the dc best interests.

ThePrisoner · 03/04/2008 19:29

I have minded some of my children for years (just can't get rid of them, they keep turning up on the doorstep!) I see the bond that I have with some of the children as being a bit like an aunt, they are definitely not "my children," no matter what.

Children move on or move away, that is a fact of a childminder's life. I have never felt so distressed about it that I can't cope!! It is perfectly possible to remain in contact with families, even those who move away - it's a shame that her behaviour is the one thing that will probably prevent this with you.

Your CM's behaviour is really out of order and not normal, so do not beat yourself up about it - just look forward to having a nice, new childminder who is not a psycho.

CarGirl · 03/04/2008 19:32

my dds adore their CM, she is very much part of their lives and is in fact one of their guardians but she is their CM and never weeped and wailed when they went to school, just looked forward to having them occasionally to spend time with them.

crace · 03/04/2008 20:14

Even if didn't feel up to telling Ofsted, I hope that everyone has made you feel better - you have not made a mountain out of a molehill. It's all very odd, and definitely something up with that woman!

imananny · 03/04/2008 20:41

you are not making a mountain out of amolehill!!

The more I read, the more I think you should def report her to ofsted, esp if she has done something like this before.

And saying send an ill infectious child round JUST so she can have time alone with him is so unprofesional that words almost fail me

she shouldnot be ringing you up and hassling you - sorry dh isnt there,but go and pout yourself a large glass of something

on a brighter note so pleased all went well with the new CM - long may it last

Blueskythinker · 03/04/2008 21:14

Nothing further to add which hasn't already been said. Be thankful you have got a great new CM, and I would seriously consider reporting her.

Blueskythinker · 03/04/2008 21:15

Nothing further to add which hasn't already been said. Be thankful you have got a great new CM, and I would seriously consider reporting her.

Original poster

InATizz · 03/04/2008 22:24

The support I have received on this thread has been great, thank-you everyone.

I have spoken to my sisters tonight & my MIL, also my friend who sees everyones side on most things & half way through me telling her this saga she said: "Omg, I am getting shivers up & down my spine, please don't tell me you are sending him tomorrow"

I really don't think I could report her to ofsted, this is a small village & she would know right away it was me. I might, however, try to speak to some of the parents she has now, but not in a nasty way.... I mean, if she says things about them to me, she is most certainly slagging me off behind my back.

Dh has come home & is horrified. He said she is a psychopath & that if she has done this before then more people than the new minder will know about it.. therefore know what she's like. But she did say to me last week, when I said I wanted to part on good terms & remain friends, that I would hate people to talk when they saw someone else taking ds to playgroup etc/... she more or less said it would me me they would be talking about, as everyone knows she is a good minder who always has a house full of kids.

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Original poster

InATizz · 03/04/2008 22:24

BST, how's the new nanny going?

OP posts:

Blueskythinker · 03/04/2008 22:59

What nanny!! Offered her the job, but she had got another job elsewhere in the meantime. Back to square one, and relying on scraps of kindness / guilting our relatives to take kids.
Going skiing on Saturday, so hopefully something will turn up when we get back.

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