Nanny has offered free childcare

[Teacakeorcrumpet]

I found out yesterday our nanny has organised for eldest DC's new friend to come to our house for 2 full days next week. We employ our nanny 45hrs a week to care for DC aged 8, 5 and 2. As far as I can tell the nanny has invited this friend directly speaking to the child's parent without consulting me and apparently they will be arriving at 8.30am on Monday morning for the full day and the same on Tuesday.

Parents of the child have not contacted me at all about this. I'm not comfortable at all. The child is in the same school class as my eldest but has never been to our house before and I've only spoken to the parents once or twice.

I feel like I'm being used as free childcare for 2 days and the parents haven't even had the decency to check with me that this is OK or offer to share costs.

The nanny is planning to take them on a day trip on Monday so I'll have the extra cost of petrol, lunch out and giving this child dinner when they get back. On Tuesday they're going to an adventure park for the day and again I feel like I'm expected to cover all costs without being asked. Feels like total CF behaviour.

Not even sure why I'm posting other than to vent and see if anyone else's nanny ever puts them in such an awkward position! This is the latest in a string of small annoyances and I'm thinking its time for the nanny to move elsewhere. Youngest DC will be at nursery in Sept anyway so we will only need after school care then. Would I be unreasonable to give her notice that we don't need her for Sept onwards?

Playdates are one thing, two full days of childcare is a totally different story. I would talk to the nanny in more detail and find out what precipitated this and why she thought it would be ok to arrange two full days of childcare of another child without checking with you first. I am not confident she will be honest about whether she's being paid, you will have to ask the other parents that. But it doesn't matter whether she is being paid or not: your arrangement with the nanny is that you are paying her to look after your children full time. If she wishes to "moonlight" doing other childcare then she needs to do that outside of the hours she is caring for your children.

Don't be distracted by those claiming that if you do not allow her to do this then you are cutting your children off from all playdates. Anyone who cares for children knows that a 2-3 hour playdate at home, is not the same situation as a full day at a theme park. It's not just the amount of time, it's also the fact of your employee agreeing to care for another child in a higher risk situation, which places liability on you, as well as the risk to your own children from your nanny being distracted by an extra child whose normal behavior is unknown. Some 8 year olds are great, and others are whirling dervishes. What would happen if this child took off running through the park and your nanny had to leave your own children alone so she could chase down this other child? (That has literally happened to me during a playdate, a kid took off running and actually tried to run into a busy road, it was super stressful and I never had that child back for a playdate again, and I only had to watch him for 2 hours!)

There's also the fact your kid doesn't really know this child. That tends to make me think this is more of a paid childcare thing than a true playdate. Even if they are "new friends" I wouldn't have the first playdate be two full days. Sometimes a first playdate shows that two kids are not actually compatible. If that happens, it's not fun for either of them if they are stuck with each other for two full days.

How does your nanny get the money to pay for theme park entrance? I don't understand why you think you would be paying for this child's entrance fee. Surely you just give your nanny only sufficient money for your own children's expenses. However if, for some reason, your nanny is able to use your money to pay the other child's entrance fee without your permission, then I agree that I would not be happy about that.

It's possible your nanny just felt sorry for the kid being cooped up at her parents' business every time there's a school break. Even so, it's not really ok to impose this on you without checking with you first.

This is it in a nutshell, perfectly put

This. The girls parents are very rude.

The kids are going to a theme park. I used to go for fun, not for "childcare" reasons. It's not somewhere you'd go "for two or three hours and have tea". It's a long day out and for the child to have a friend she can potentially strike up a long term friendship with and someone her age to go on rides with is great!

Do we know the parents need childcare? Because the way the OP phrases it, the nanny suggested to the parents it would be a nice treat.

I've also hosted "playdates" that were actually free childcare for friends of my nanny child. I didn't get paid extra and the parents I worked for didn't get reimbursed for my time (and we're fully aware of what I'd agreed to). It was just nice for the child to have his friend round. It's just part of your children having friends.

@aloris has summed it up well.

I have raised it with the nanny today before she picks up older DC from school.

The nanny apparently spoke to the dad at the school gates who said he needed someone to take the child next week as he and his wife were working all week (they run a local business between them) and noone in their family could watch the child. So I now think she's probably being given cash in hand by the dad and hasn't been honest with me about why this has all been arranged.

If the other parents or the nanny had actually asked me in advance if the child could tag along for two days because they had no childcare then I wouldn't be so annoyed and at least I could have said no before the DC knew. Its been presented to me as all arranged because of the children and now I'm suspicious its actually the nanny that's benefitting at my expense.

I would be very unhappy about this, particularly the initial lack of full disclosure around the arrangement. For me, a nanny is dedicated childcare and the nanny should be focussed on your children, not covering childcare for another parent without your consent.

Good grief I hope you've told her that it's a complete no go.

I don't understand why you are ruminating over this so much. Just tell the nanny that you don't want the other kid to come over for the reasons you've given. If you wanted you could call the parents and let them know that it's a no go. You can make up a reason if you need too.

I'm amazed at responses suggesting that you're being difficult, Nanny is 100% out of order. Imagine she's employed by oh I don't know, let's say a solicitors' office as an administrator and she brings some admin to the office to do for another solicitor while she's there being paid by her first company. Would that be ok? Absolutely not. You're paying her to do a specific job, not moonlighting on your hours. The other family should have approached you not her, or maybe she approached them?

Either way, I would have no qualms about telling her that this would not be happening and if she had to have an uncomfortable conversation with the other family then hard luck.

A play date is nice for half term
I would have a conversation and take it from there

It's just part of your children having friends.

I don’t agree. Mutually agreed play dates (agreed with the parent, even if the nanny is hosting) - absolutely. Having your nanny take some random child from your child’s class for two days without asking you? That’s a totally different kettle of fish.

It was obviously that the nanny had arranged to take the child as a cash job. Nobody suddenly invites a child who has never even been to your house to come on a two day long 'play date'. You need to nip this in the bud before it becomes known that she's available to mind other children for cash while also being paid by you. I'd be annoyed that she tried to take advantage like that.

So why haven't you told her that you are unhappy, and that this is not to take place? Yes I strongly suspect money will change hands but regardless you are her employer and if you don't nip this in the bud you will find that this child or others will be turning up at your house all summer.

Money may not have been changing hands. The other parents may just be taking advantage.

Just say NO OP. It really is that simple.

Why do you have to cover costs for the other child. Tell your nanny that you will not pay for the other one.

When I was a kid, I spent most of my time at my best friend's house. Was her mum "giving free childcare" to my mum by allowing this?? Or were we just normal happy kids building relationships? We're still close friends thirty years later. Glad her mum didn't ban me!

I wish I had known all you lovely MNers who would be happy to host 2-day play dates from 8.30 am to 5pm when I was a working parent!

Also, can you imagine the response to an AIBU: “I have agreed with my friend that my Nanny care for her Dd alongside my own child for 2 days. My Nanny is not happy to take the extra responsibility and says I should have asked her. AIBU?”

Seriously did you never randomly take a kid's friend away for the weekend with you all?

Occasionally shocks me how joyless some lives are.

Your nanny isn't a normal service provider - she's part of your family.

This .Are you jumping to conclusions?

“Your nanny isn't a normal service provider - she's part of your family.”

Nope, she’s an employee.

Your doesn't see her that way

I have no idea what you mean.

I would also suspect the other family are bunging her some cash and she's keeping that bit quiet. I would say to her that you aren't happy they have engineered getting something for free (quality childcare) which you have paid for in full, so you'll be asking for them to pay you the equivalent of half the nanny fee for those days. Her reaction will be telling! I think they are both bloody cheeky. The nanny for arranging this without asking you first, especially if she's on the take as well. The other family for not asking you about a proposal that effectively "dilutes" the service you are paying for, even if they're giving the nanny a bung. The purpose of paying through the nose for a nanny is that it's a person dedicated to the care and attention of YOUR children. A couple of hours playdate at home hosted by nanny is totally different to two full days "childcare" including keeping those children watched and safe/supervised in a busy public place.

Rather different. That was your best friend, you weren't being sent to the house of some kid in your class whom you weren't friends with, and whose parents your parents had never met.