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Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

DD not settling at childminder. Help!

98 replies

Sadbaby · 17/01/2023 16:19

I have recently returned to work, part time. 3 days a week, two with the childminder and one with my MiL. My DD is 14 months old. I was really pleased with the childminder we found; seems like a lovely household, other children there seemed settled. However my DD is so so miserable. She does long days as DH and I have big commutes and inflexible careers which can’t be done from home. At home she is gregarious and v social with other babies at classes and play dates. She is teething lots - a late starter with teeth they are now coming thick and fast and she is clearly in discomfort with them. Ibuprofen helps as does the Ashton gel but she wants to be close to us when teething.

The childminder says she can’t cope with a baby who wants to be cuddled the whole time and cries for hours as she has had two other babies of a similar age starting at the same time. She says my DD is the saddest baby she has ever tried to settle, which is very upsetting to hear. We can’t stop working as things are tight as it is with CoL and we are both in jobs where we can’t choose our annual leave so can’t use holiday to give her shorter days whilst she adjusts. She is hoarse from crying when we collect her. It is heartbreaking.

Anyone with experience like this who can suggest ways of settling her better? The childminder was not able to give us much time to settle her when I was on Mat leave and now keeps saying we should try shorter days given how beside herself my DD is. We can’t do this. Please tell me how your little ones adjusted after bumpy starts. What helped? I’m so anxious about her.

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Skinnermarink · 17/01/2023 16:25

Anbesol liquid for the teething, it blows Ashton’s gel out of the park.

That wasn’t a particularly nice comment from the childminder, was it? Although I do see her side as well….I am a nanny to a very clingy baby (16 months now) that screams the place down on some days when you put him down. Unfortunately I just DO have to put him down as I’m looking after his toddler brother as well. He’s not walking yet and that’s a major source of his frustration. I wouldn’t call him the saddest baby ever though, that’s just not very professional.

Skinnermarink · 17/01/2023 16:27

Does she eat and nap at the childminders?

MilkyWaytoday · 17/01/2023 16:27

The problem seems to be the childminder. Most babies settle after a while but she seems a bit pissed off with her judging by what she is saying and your dd will pick up on that. Maybe she just wants easy babies/children. You should find someone more nurturing and inclined to put the time and affection in to settle her or is a nanny an option whre your little one will at least be in her own home ?

mishmased · 17/01/2023 16:27

Omg that sounds tough. My first was the clingiest baby that cried when a stranger looked at him but a good caregiver knows how to settle him. It's terrible her telling you your baby is the saddest baby, so unprofessional. Is there any chance if a different childminder? She should be reassuring you not saying things like that.
How many kids does she look after? She shouldn't be letting a baby that young cry to the extent that they're hoarse. I'm so sorry.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/01/2023 16:29

Mad that the childminder would even have three of that age. 3 under two? Mental.

I'd look for one with fewer tiny tots.

Skinnermarink · 17/01/2023 16:30

I’ll also add that the baby I look after gets lots of cuddles too when I can. He’s put down out of necessity because he’s a big lad, kills my back and I need two hands so constantly carrying him just isn’t practical. I always try and distract him with something when I do put him down but sometimes he really does kick off. I’d never let him cry himself hoarse though, his parents would be pretty upset at that I’m sure.

larry520 · 17/01/2023 16:33

I had exactly the same, the childminder said she just couldn't hold her all day. A few days later her ear drum burst and it was apparent she'd been in a lot of pain, 2 sets of grommets and lots of ear infections later, she grew out of them around 4.

jannier · 17/01/2023 17:30

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/01/2023 16:29

Mad that the childminder would even have three of that age. 3 under two? Mental.

I'd look for one with fewer tiny tots.

3 under 2 isn't an issue....do you look after children?

Sadbaby · 17/01/2023 17:30

Thank you so much for your responses.

I will try the alternative teething gel suggested; thank you.

DD naps in her pram at the childminder and usually eats a bit but not as much as at home.

Sadly we can’t afford a nanny. I’m unsure whether to try looking again for a new childminder - there were only two who had spaces on the right days when I found this one, and the other setting didn’t seem very welcoming. But I don’t get the feeling she likes my baby anymore. Think she sees her as a problem rather than as an upset person who needs comfort. If I do find someone new this might be even worse though as it will just be another new place and people.

DD has started crying every time DH or I leave the room now she’s become so anxious about being apart. She cries when we get onto the childminder’s road. I don’t feel like I have any options.

I’ve asked if I can go in with her for a short visit on my day off so I can try to calm her distress and help her get used to being there without being apart from me. Childminder has refused. We did a lot of settling practice for the time with MiL which worked well as she is v happy there. Childminder insists that it’s better not to hang around etc and do lots of settling.

We see both so worried and I feel sick thinking about dropping her off in the morning for another round of misery.

OP posts:
jannier · 17/01/2023 17:32

Is baby normally held a lot by you and granny....as only child it's tough to share and not be 1 to 1. It's a shame you couldn't have longer settling can granny help for a few weeks so baby can do shorter days?

Sadbaby · 17/01/2023 17:36

Baby isn’t held lots by me but she is usually close eg playing on the mat whilst I do chores around her in the kitchen. She likes to be started off on an activity but can then play with something for a good while independently. I can’t line up the baby the childminder says she is with my little one at home. Seems like a different child. Or it did - but now she is fretful and clingy at home too since becoming so upset at the childminder. I hate to see her becoming so anxious and distressed.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/01/2023 17:37

jannier · 17/01/2023 17:30

3 under 2 isn't an issue....do you look after children?

It just seems impractical - does she have a triple buggy? I couldn't imagine choosing to have 3 in nappies and buggies for work. Two yes. Three?

Sadbaby · 17/01/2023 17:38

Grandma is doing one day a week already. She doesn’t live near us and I’m worried about wearing her out if she ends up doing more and more. She is very good with her and has a strong attachment with her though so I know DD can be confident and cheerful away from us.

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SummerInSun · 17/01/2023 17:40

Have you looked at nurseries? I know MN seems to prefer childminders but I preferred to know that there were more staff around so if there was a problem with one child, one staff member could deal with that still leaving two or three more to look after the others. Also More possibilities of there being someone your baby will bond with more easily, and more activities and structure and toys and other children to interact with.

Catmummy5 · 17/01/2023 17:40

Think the Childminder's comment was bit unkind. Sounds like she's struggling a bit with your little one, so maybe not a good fit for you or her. Your little one should settle with time and patience on part of her Childminder. Maybe the Childminder can't cope. Has she been doing job long?
And maybe if you are getting the vibes that she can't you should look for a different Childminder who can. Good luck x

bobisbored · 17/01/2023 17:42

As an ex childminder I say you should get a new childminder! Some babies settle quickly, some don't. Some are bloody hard work and need constant carrying around and attention. It's just part of the process. She will settle eventually, the minder just needs to put the time in. Your baby may pick up on the childminder being impatient with her and she'll be even more sad. Poor baby! And poor you!

Newuser82 · 17/01/2023 17:42

How long has she been going? Sorry if I've missed this.

LaSolitudine · 17/01/2023 17:47

We had a similar situation with DC not settling at CMs. In our case, our little one wasn't napping well in the CM's allocated window for napping at lunch and was overtired. We were lucky to find a nursery place quickly that worked well for us, as DC could nap to their own schedule in the baby room, no school runs etc. It's not an easy one.

Catmummy5 · 17/01/2023 17:48

SummerInSun
Most Childminders provide plenty of activities and structure as we follow the EYFS same as nurseries smand preschools. And children mix with a few other children in setting as well as children they meet with other childminders. We've just been out for a Chinese new year activity with 4 childminders and 14 children. That said an under 2 doesn't need lots of children just a good caregiver

Skinnermarink · 17/01/2023 17:55

I’m sorry OP but if you feel like she doesn’t like your DD and isn’t going to tolerate her developmental needs I’d really try and get her moved. A good nursery would be better than this. It’s obviously having an impact at home now and that’s just horrible for you when you’re feeling guilt about going back to work and get not being properly settled etc.

Anbesol- you’ll want the liquid, not the gel!

ladyinthecampervan · 17/01/2023 17:55

I had a very similar situation with my DC1. They really struggled to settle with their childminder and, despite me having told her that I felt they would take time to settle and that they were easily upset by lots of noise she told me after 4 weeks that they were too much hard work and gave me her notice!

Fortunately we found another childminder and DC1 absolutely loved her and settled straight away!

Maybe it’s time to look at other options?

Skinnermarink · 17/01/2023 17:56

Nothing wrong with her ratios as a PP pointed out. Childminders can have assistants too. Lots are run like little nurseries these days.

Mumof1andacat · 17/01/2023 18:08

My nephew didn't settle at the childminders but did at a nursey. He was around 1yr old when when my SIL went back to work. My ds was in nursery from 6 months and he was OK.

hookiewookie29 · 17/01/2023 18:09

You need to have a little meeting with your childminder when she's not so busy. If your little one has been crying a lot then the end of the day is not the right time. I've had children who have settled straight away, I've had them that can take 3 months! It's hard when you've got other little ones who need caring for too. Discuss what you can both do to move forward. I wouldn't remove her just yet- she'll only have to settle all over again elsewhere

Sadbaby · 17/01/2023 19:39

This has been five full days now, spread over two and a bit weeks.

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