DD not settling at childminder. Help!

[Sadbaby]

I have recently returned to work, part time. 3 days a week, two with the childminder and one with my MiL. My DD is 14 months old. I was really pleased with the childminder we found; seems like a lovely household, other children there seemed settled. However my DD is so so miserable. She does long days as DH and I have big commutes and inflexible careers which can’t be done from home. At home she is gregarious and v social with other babies at classes and play dates. She is teething lots - a late starter with teeth they are now coming thick and fast and she is clearly in discomfort with them. Ibuprofen helps as does the Ashton gel but she wants to be close to us when teething.

The childminder says she can’t cope with a baby who wants to be cuddled the whole time and cries for hours as she has had two other babies of a similar age starting at the same time. She says my DD is the saddest baby she has ever tried to settle, which is very upsetting to hear. We can’t stop working as things are tight as it is with CoL and we are both in jobs where we can’t choose our annual leave so can’t use holiday to give her shorter days whilst she adjusts. She is hoarse from crying when we collect her. It is heartbreaking.

Anyone with experience like this who can suggest ways of settling her better? The childminder was not able to give us much time to settle her when I was on Mat leave and now keeps saying we should try shorter days given how beside herself my DD is. We can’t do this. Please tell me how your little ones adjusted after bumpy starts. What helped? I’m so anxious about her.

I would not have that childminder looking after my child. At all. Sounds completely uncaring. I would have to look for another childminder or reduce my hours even if I couldn’t really afford it. (And yep, been there done that! It’s really, really hard).

Hi OP,

DS (13m) started with CM last week, this is week 2, so similar circumstances.

He was distraught last week, it was painful.

I dropped him off today and have seen a small improvement. He still cries but it's not as bad. CM also advises he is now napping and taking his afternoon milk (he was skipping both entirely last week).

We're not out of the woods yet but I think we're getting there.

I feel for you, it's horrible having to drive to work feeling anxious after drop-off and in floods of tears.

One thing I will say is my CM is very supportive and reassuring and has been from day one. Yours sounds hugely unprofessional, given the comments and rejections towards your suggestions.

My daughter had exactly the same with her childminder. Seemed to 'blame' my granddaughter and give up on her. Daughter found a nursery that suited my granddaughter much better. Busier environment, more staff to comfort and distract her.
Childminders are a totally different environment and doesn't suit every child.

Helpful comment @Crabo Not !!!!

@Sadbaby it must be hard to leave your baby

Sounds like cm has bitten off to much to chew

She can't cope with 3 of similar age - would be like triplets but they are used share to each other iyswim

5 days is nothing tbh esp over 2.5weeks but equally get your upset

Usually I would say perverse for a good month /6w

A good cm should be able to settle her

I have had clingy babies /toddlers as a nanny. It is wearying but was my job and they do settle /be happy over time

But easier as 3/5 days a week

But really sounds like cm doesn't want her

Maybe ask her what she suggests /tips

And see if she says to leave

How much is cm

How much are nurseries in your area

Can you do 4 shorter days for a while to get dd happier in childcare

What hours does she do

Maybe look at a nanny. Yes it's a cost esp in col times

Even if for a year

Nwoc are cheaper usually and be a playmate for your dd hopefully if similar age

What a shame for your little one. Some kids take a while to settle at childcare and I think if it’s only been 5 days there’s every reason to think she’ll settle. But… whether it’s nursery or another childminder i think you have to find an alternative. This particular lady doesn’t sound very kind!

Move childminder. I'm 46 and still remember being traumatised by going to a childminder I hated and I was very young, similar to your daughter I can't remember what I hated but I have a memory of crying in a high chair and the sense of dread I felt as I approached the door.

Also my lovely DS who is easily frightened had a bad experience with a nanny, on paper she was great and highly recommended but four days in it was clear they had a clash, he was only 18 months at the time but he said "Hate Katie" and she was always putting him in time out when all he wanted was a cuddle. He was far to young for that we then went to a lovely childminder where he settled instantly and flourished.

Had similar negativity 'only want easy kids who are immediately settled' vibes from a childminder once. Moved to a nursery and never looked back. Worth the extra money in peace of mind.

Change the childminder.
Maybe Grandma could step up and do some extra days to help out while you find the best possible childcare, whether childminder or nursery. I agree 5 days isn't long but this isn't working for your daughter and the childminder sounds off.
A single childmminder can only have one baby under 12 months btw so your baby should be the only one.

What a tough situation. From the CMs point of view she's got at least 2 other children, and a baby used to 1:1 who is pretty pissed off at the change in dynamic. No one is at fault, but all the kids are suffering, and I would think if things don't improve pretty quickly you'll be getting notice.

A cm Can usually have 1 under 1 and 3 under 5

So she could have. 3 x 12/14/18mths

Find a small, nurturing nursery.
I don't understand the preference for a childminder. They don't need any qualifications or even prior experience with children, so it's not surprising she doesn't know how to work with you to settle your daughter.
Nursery nurses have qualifications, most staff are experienced and the non experienced ones are being supervised. They therefore understand child development and behaviour.
Nurseries have plenty of staff in the baby room to dish out cuddles if needed and are equipped to have multiple babies without letting care standards fall.
I appreciate you both have work, I really do, but if you both use emergency dependents leave and see if MIL will step in temporarily until you find something. She's too little to be this distressed.

I was actually reading a psychologists opinion that it is a factor in modern society. Probably one we like to keep hidden

Perhaps you ought to lobby the government to better support working parents then lest we all suffer this blight of attachment disorder in our future generations. Except they won’t care. I am thinking you must be of an age where it was perfectly possible to raise children and look after a household with just one wage coming in?

Times have changed.

And let me guess- the blame for this is placed squarely on women? Of course, they should be sacrificing everything while men carry on as usual. Give us a break!
I was never in childcare and have plenty of attachment issues! I would rather have a parent that doesn’t enjoy making others feel bad and be in full time childcare than the reverse!

A psychologist's 'opinion' doesn't really count for much tbh. A psychologist's research on the subject I would love to read. We need evidence not just random musings before we make sweeping judgements about other people's lives. It stops us spouting absolute nonsense.

I would look at a different CM or Nursery.
My daughter at 11 months old had a couple of hour a couple of times before starting nursery and never had any problems - I don't get a bye all the time as too keen to get in!
She loves nursery now at almost 3!

So much thoughtful feedback here, thank you. I’m going to filter out the comment about attachment issues because it doesn’t help with this situation and because I really don’t have a choice financially. It is so hard to weigh up whether pulling DD out of this childminder’s setting and finding another if I can is the best option as she would have to cope somewhere else completely new. Surely it would make her even more upset? Has anyone found their baby was struggling with separation but then settled happily? Was there anything you did at home to assist?

@Sadbaby honestly. I think the damage is done with this CM. Are there any nurseries nearby?

Imagine going into work and crying all day, if that is what your DC is doing it's not great. That said to do settling sessions and then have two weeks break would be like starting again.

Your DC is coming home hoarse, please don't put her through this. You wouldn't leave her crying for hours on end at home. The CM cannot meet your daughters needs.

Neither of my children were very happy in any childcare settings and not as bad as your poor daughter. It's horrible so I really sympathise. Nothing ever really made it better although things were best when we got a nanny but I know that isn't an option (and in any case, it took two nannies before we got one that they actually settled with - they didn't like the first one).

Does Grandma know how difficult she is finding it? Could Grandma stay overnight to reduce the travelling. Would she be willing? Honestly, this is the option that I would go for if there was any way I'd make it work.

Actually they do need qualifications. Childminders have to follow the exact same early years framework as nurseries, preschools and schools up to reception age. Most Childminders have children of their own- think that counts as experience- and I'd love to see a nursery that has the time to dish out cuddles when needed! I've worked in a nursery- not a bad one but it wasn't great- and children who are hard to settle do not, and cannot have the time spent with them to help them because of all the other demands of the job.Children who didn't settle well were often left to cry because staff weren't able to give them one to one all day.I now work as a childminder. Yes I have a stack of qualifications but after having 2 children of my own and childminding for 22 years I would say I'm a lot more experienced than an 18 year old, fresh from college with a stack of certificates. I also have the time to sit with an upset child who is struggling to settle- I will even sit them on my lap whilst I'm eating to help them feel secure. Even the most experienced nursery staff or childminder can find it difficult to deal with a child all day that is struggling to settle.
Hate the way Childminders are classed as second class babysitters by some people who comment about them without actually knowing what they're talking about when we're just as professional as any other childcarer!

My childminder has a triple buggy then can be altered to be a double buggy. She also has a couple of single buggies. If children under 5 can fit in the buggy then she will push them though she will encourage those 3 and older to walk as much as possible.

In regards to the ratios the ratios are allowed. However my CM will space out the ones she takes on who are just over 1. That means while one child is settling in and maybe clingy needing cuddles, the other children are not.

I agree with hookiewookie29 Saying staff in nurseries have qualifications is slightly misleading. I've also worked in a nursery and most staff were young with few or poor GCSE's . The owner said if she asked for maths and English she'd have no staff. The quality of conversation is not what I'd want my children exposed to all day. Childminders are often older with more life experience and often careers behind them and provide a similar home experience to the ones the children are coming from.

OP I think one of your issues is the fact your CM took 2 other children around the age to your DD in quick succession who are new to being in childcare. This means they all want her to cuddle them at the same time.

My DD started going to her CM just before she was 10 months and was the only one at the time under 18 months. Then when she got to 18 months another child who was nearly a year started. Then a couple of months later when that child was settled in, another child who was over 1 started on the same days. So while my CM had a year and a bit looking after 3 children who were 2 in the same academic year, they each had time to settle in with her.

Normal ratios are 3 under 5 of which one can be under 1......so 3 not 4.....however ...since the government wanted to change ratios there has now been scope to be flexible and have more....
But in this case the op is talking about the cm having 3 children aged between 12 months and 24 months.

My DD now goes to both a childminder and a nursery. She started with the CM when she was nearly 10 months. Nursery just before she was 3.

The childminder has provided consistent care for my DD. She is an older woman with grown up children.

Initially all but one of the nursery staff were older women with teen or grown up children but then they left for various reasons including illness. They were replaced with people in their 20s who were doing the job as a stop gap to do other things. All but one of them have now left. This has happened in an 18 month period.

I live next to another nursery and opposite another one. They also have both have a high turn over of staff. Until this year the nursery I live next to staff tended to be young women in their teens. Their behaviour in the streets and on public transport is not one I would expect from people who are looking after children and strongly influence them.