DD not settling at childminder. Help!

[Sadbaby]

I have recently returned to work, part time. 3 days a week, two with the childminder and one with my MiL. My DD is 14 months old. I was really pleased with the childminder we found; seems like a lovely household, other children there seemed settled. However my DD is so so miserable. She does long days as DH and I have big commutes and inflexible careers which can’t be done from home. At home she is gregarious and v social with other babies at classes and play dates. She is teething lots - a late starter with teeth they are now coming thick and fast and she is clearly in discomfort with them. Ibuprofen helps as does the Ashton gel but she wants to be close to us when teething.

The childminder says she can’t cope with a baby who wants to be cuddled the whole time and cries for hours as she has had two other babies of a similar age starting at the same time. She says my DD is the saddest baby she has ever tried to settle, which is very upsetting to hear. We can’t stop working as things are tight as it is with CoL and we are both in jobs where we can’t choose our annual leave so can’t use holiday to give her shorter days whilst she adjusts. She is hoarse from crying when we collect her. It is heartbreaking.

Anyone with experience like this who can suggest ways of settling her better? The childminder was not able to give us much time to settle her when I was on Mat leave and now keeps saying we should try shorter days given how beside herself my DD is. We can’t do this. Please tell me how your little ones adjusted after bumpy starts. What helped? I’m so anxious about her.

Is only been 5 days! With a weekend in between.

I would give it a good month. After that if she still isn’t settling the consider other options. But 5 days is nothing at all really!

5 days means this is all still very new for your little one.

Sorry if I have missed it, but did you have any "settling in" sessions before your DD started to get her generally familiar to the childminder and environment etc.? We had a phased start to nursery and childminders which seemed to ease the transition.

That said, if I was not getting any reassurance from a nursery or childminder on what steps we could take together to help them settle, I would be considering other options.

I think your DD may become more settled over time but my concern now would be the CM's attitude towards her, based on her comment.

Both my DS went to nursery and inevitably there were members of staff who they were closer to or had less of a bond with. We chose nursery so they would be round a variety of adults.

Childminder should definitely be offering settling in places. The fact your DC is crying once she's on her road is a massive red flag for me. I speak as a former nanny/childminder.

If CM refuses to offer settling in or you staying for 15 mins to observe then I would definitely not send your DC.

It's difficult for children to settle on two days a week because the gap is so long between visits. Taking that into consideration and the teething I think her not being steeled after 5 days is not too much of a problem.

The issue seems to be the childminder's attitude. She doesn't seem to be offering any solutions or working with you to help her settle and from what she's said doesn't sound like she's very patient with your DD either.

I would look around for another childminder. Could you look further afield or change your work days to give you more options?

I think it's early days lovely. My DD started at 12 months- super timid thing. She went 5 days a week and wouldn't eat or nap for the first three weeks. Then she just buckled down and got on with it- was very strange. She's so happy there now. It's bound to take longer for your DD if it's only 2 days a week. I'd also be inclined to try a different childminder or nursery if it persists though- she doesn't sound very patient or nurturing

I had to move my son from his first childminder as it was the same scenario.

He was just miserable and cried and cried - even as we arrived he would start crying. He stopped sleeping at night

We chose another CM and he loved her from the very start. In fact he didn't want to come home most days! I'd arrive and he would be snuggled in to her. She was amazing and we are still friends 13 years later!

Yep it’s still very early for your DD. But I still don’t think the childminder should have said that, especially after so short a time.

I wouldn't like the sound if the CM 8f she makes comments like that. Some kids do cry when they start childcare! My sons have both been in nursery since before they were 1. They're in full time for long days. They've both gone through phases of crying heartbreakingly at drop off. But the nurseries have managed them really well and also been really reassuring - it is common. Have you considered a nursery setting?

Thanks so much for all the replies. We have been quite shocked by the CM saying how unusual this level of separation anxiety and distress is - we expected it would take a few weeks to become the normal routine. We did three settles - an hour together, the next one she made me leave and baby did two hours and then another two hour session after that but these were before she shut for two weeks for Christmas and then I started back at work. I would have been happy to build up more slowly and work towards a long day. Kept asking for this and getting shut down - not how they usually do things. She is ignoring our requests to have a chat about what we can do to make tomorrow go better. So stuck. Reliant on her but don’t like her attitude and she is looking after our little one so the misgivings we now have are very distressing.

How unkind that she's making you feel guilty and your little one has barely had any time to settle. Would a nursery be an option? I just couldn't warm to a childminder while made my child out to be a problem.

That's exactly what I was thinking too

Oh gosh you must feel awful this was so sad to read.

Please please listen to both baby and childminder.

Your baby is telling you in every way possible (eating less when there/ crying at the road/ crying all day there/ changing at home) that she is NOT happy there.

Childminder is telling you your baby is sad/ you need to try shorter days/ your baby is the saddest she's ever seen etc. she isn't saying 'it's ok' and reassuring you it sounds like she wants your baby gone and is telling you in every way possible without saying actually that.

Short term can granny do an extra day so at least baby only suffers once a week? While you look for other childcare?
Is a nursery an option?
A nursery by granny that could possibly do mornings and granny collects for afternoons?

Something needs to change asap as you know.
Remember what you see at the childminders doesn't mean your baby wouldn't settle in another childminders home or at a nursery- it's just this isn't the right one for your baby.

Also the sleep at childminders is probably from exhaustion from crying than a settled nap. I feel so angry with your childminder she gives others a bad name.

I agree it’s the attitude of the child minder that’s causing the issue. My DD started at a nursery at a similar age & took a good few weeks to settle. Some children do just take longer. My DD formed quite a strong attachment to one of the staff & I think that’s an advantage to a nursery in that there is more than one member of staff that they can form an attachment too. My DD really didn’t seem to warm to the unit leader 😂. I’d be looking at other options OP although I can appreciate how exhausting & draining that is. But it feels a bit like your DD is being set up to fail here. The CM needs to be giving you encouragement that your DD will eventually settle rather than rushing the process.

Thanks so much for all the replies. We have been quite shocked by the CM saying how unusual this level of separation anxiety and distress is - we expected it would take a few weeks to become the normal routine. We did three settles - an hour together, the next one she made me leave and baby did two hours and then another two hour session after that but these were before she shut for two weeks for Christmas and then I started back at work. I would have been happy to build up more slowly and work towards a long day. Kept asking for this and getting shut down - not how they usually do things. She is ignoring our requests to have a chat about what we can do to make tomorrow go better. So stuck. Reliant on her but don’t like her attitude and she is looking after our little one so the misgivings we now have are very distressing

I can absolutely see why you are upset. Honestly, I've seen so many charente at my kids' nursery crying their eyes out at drop off (not because they hate nursery by the way - it's lovely!)... it's bonkers to suggest that this is somehow not normal for a 14 month old, bless her. I hate that the CM is blaming your child. I wouldn't want her to be watching my child with that sort of attitude towards her. Your child needs kindness, compassion and understanding. One benefit of nursery, by the way, is that there are typically multiple members of staff with each age group. So even though there would likely be more children, the staff can be more flexible. I remember when my youngest was having his crying about going to nursery phase, he was practically glued to his favourite staff member (who was absolutely lovely about it) and sometimes would fall asleep while crying in her arms. That was fine, as there were other staff who could look after the other kids. It took both my boys a few weeks to settle in properly, and we had 2 weeks of settling in sessions to warm them up to it. They had little phases afterwards as well, plus a big one when we relocated and sadly had to change nurseries.

CM sounds fairly awful. Nursery might be a better option or try for a nanny share?

I think ditch the childminder they just don’t seem caring enough and tbh I’m reading neglectful between the lines. For DD at 14 months to cry when you get on their road is not a good indicator, it’s triggering and a stress response granted babies do this but to not settle at all and for the response from the childminder to not be reassuring enough, I don’t think they have your DD best interest at heart

Quite simply a kid of that age shouldn’t be left long hours at a time away from its mother. It is classic. You might have an attachment disorder later on.

Oh for Christ sake. So predictable to have at least one shit short sighted reply such as this. PARENTS USUALLY BOTH HAVE TO WORK THAT IS THE REALITY.

Please go somewhere else to spout your idiotic bile.

@Crabo are you from the 1950s?
This is the norm for many, many families

Any research to back this up?

Nappies are nappies no matter if from 1, 2 , 3 or more....I've had a child of 4 in them. Yes some have triple or quad buggies some a double and a baby sling depends on each little one how far they walk etc. If you had a one year old and we're expecting twins you would have 2 under 1 and an under 2.....much harder but doable.

I've just seen it's only day 5 over 3 weeks......so not long .....if your anxious and stressed baby will be picking up on it and getting stressed herself can anybody else drop her? I think the issue is this and the lack of settling personally I would have either delayed starting full hours or asked your other half to do some short days

Must be an awful lot...like 95%...of adults walking around with attachment related issues as it was normal to be back at work inside 3 months not that long ago