DD not settling at childminder. Help!

[Sadbaby]

I have recently returned to work, part time. 3 days a week, two with the childminder and one with my MiL. My DD is 14 months old. I was really pleased with the childminder we found; seems like a lovely household, other children there seemed settled. However my DD is so so miserable. She does long days as DH and I have big commutes and inflexible careers which can’t be done from home. At home she is gregarious and v social with other babies at classes and play dates. She is teething lots - a late starter with teeth they are now coming thick and fast and she is clearly in discomfort with them. Ibuprofen helps as does the Ashton gel but she wants to be close to us when teething.

The childminder says she can’t cope with a baby who wants to be cuddled the whole time and cries for hours as she has had two other babies of a similar age starting at the same time. She says my DD is the saddest baby she has ever tried to settle, which is very upsetting to hear. We can’t stop working as things are tight as it is with CoL and we are both in jobs where we can’t choose our annual leave so can’t use holiday to give her shorter days whilst she adjusts. She is hoarse from crying when we collect her. It is heartbreaking.

Anyone with experience like this who can suggest ways of settling her better? The childminder was not able to give us much time to settle her when I was on Mat leave and now keeps saying we should try shorter days given how beside herself my DD is. We can’t do this. Please tell me how your little ones adjusted after bumpy starts. What helped? I’m so anxious about her.

Sounds like maybe this childminder has taken on too much - 3 under 2 is fine but probably not if all settling at same time, means she cant give each the attention needed while settling. She's undoubtedly had a tough day but could have phrased things a lot better!
Its a difficult one,, I'm always honest with my families about how their baby/child is settling & although sometimes it's tough to hear it does mean they know they can trust me & builds a good relationship with them moving forward - also means if I say they've had a good day I mean it!
Separation anxiety can take a while to ease (some times a couple of months) it's very hard for you to have to leave your baby seeing her like this. Actually the Cms suggestion of some shorter days is reasonable if you Are able to accommodate it with work, sometimes it does help baby to reset the settling process a bit. Could baby maybe do half day with your mum & half with cm for a couple of weeks? Or WFH to allow shorter days, might be worth asking work as a temporary solution?
Could you give CM a piece of your clothing (worn jumper is ideal) that she can fling over her shoulder when cuddling your wee one? It's usually very helpful for baby to subconsciously smell you & helps reassure them.
Ultimately though it's up to you if you feel you can work with the CM moving forward. Sometimes setting just isn't right place for your child, it doesn't mean they will have the same elsewhere. Trust your instincts, almost always right!

I know. Madness

its too much and cm obv can’t cope with 3 similar ages

I am a childminder and I am looking after a little one who didn’t settle with his previous childminder and had no trouble at all settling in with me. Yes he is sensitive and needs comfort and being held, but once he has had enough reassurance he’s happy to play. I would definitely look for a new childminder if I was you! Given she won’t even let you come in and help settle her, doesn’t seem she’s very keen to work. Sometimes it just doesn’t work for some reason, but doesn’t mean it won’t work somewhere else!

To work on getting her settled I mean

CMs DO need qualifications and follow the EYFS statutory framework the same as nurseries, are registered and inspected by Ofsted the same as nurseries and regularly train in all manner of safeguarding and child development. I would argue a lot of CMs are actually more qualified than nursery staff and that has certainly been my experience when using both CMs and nurseries.

Do you put your Dd's favourite blanket or teddy or a book in her bag to hopefully comforted her? Yes the cm need alot of patience for clingy babies esp through the teething stage.

Thank you for your replies. The CM does have qualifications, I have seen them. I think this is required whether you work as a childminder or in a nursery.
My DD goes with her rabbit and a blanket she likes that has my perfume on it, as well as a favourite book. But it sounds like they don’t help that much. Any other ideas I can try would be very welcome.

You can find one opinion on anything where is research and validation not just an opinion.

Where do you get your information from? Have you experience of many childminders and nurseries? As an assessor I do....most staff in nurseries are working on qualification equivalent at A levels many are 17 or 18 and the only experience they have is in that one nursery and if they have siblings. Typically a lot of apprentices are there because they had to make a choice at 16 of how to stay in education legally but earn money playing with kids doesn't sound as bad as lessons in school. It's not unusual to hear them chatting about nights out and people they are involved with. The ratio is a cross the whole building and commonly practices are done to give the impression staff are always in the room. Attachment theory is often poorly respected with key workers only doing paperwork not truly key working that doesn't help a child who is struggling to settle. A consistent carer does.
Childminder gradings are done in the same way as nursery gradings so a childminder has demonstrated the same knowledge and skills as a nursery manager to obtain the same grade. So experience and qualifications wise they are typically the same.

I had similar experience but with a nursery .I would suggest to try to find a nannyshare.So you can keep cost down and little one still has company.Or find a childminder where are less children.One of my childminder friend looks after only 2 children so Im sure something is around there.
good luck

I'm a CM and worked in nurseries previously too. Op I'm sorry your little one is so upset it must be very hard for you both. For me I would say you need to make a decision if you're going to change childcare or trust the CM you have and give it longer as it's definitely not been long enough for an unsettled toddler to get used to it. In my opinion I would ask for a meeting at a convenient time and find out if she is willing to carry on and help your baby settle. If she has a negative attitude you'll know the answer.

I personally don't allow parents in settling sessions other than for the first 10 - 15 minutes as a child has to build up attachments with the CM and the simple fact is they won't if a parent is there. I am however hugely sympathetic to upset parents and send photos etc all the time. I do 2 short visits then it's up to the parent if they want to do more half days or full. This September I had several new starters all aged around 15 months and 2 younger. I work with an assistant. There has been 2 who were very upset at first similar to yours. But they made tiny steps of progress each day which I discussed at length with parents. It took them about 1.5 months. In Nov I had another baby start. He is still upset now on the first day of the week he does, better on the 2nd. Again I am fully open with mum and myself and my assistant take turns in giving cuddles. I don't like the sound of your baby crying that much they are hoarse. That suggests they are being left somewhat which I appreciate its more difficult for a single CM to manage. I have found an upset child likes there own space and are worse when tired, ill, teething and if overwhelmed by others. Sometimes it helps to have them in a pushchair next to me for brief periods. It's their safe space. I would do this over leaving a crying child on the floor.
Good luck and I hope things get easier for you both.

@Sadbaby what have you decided to do

Settling into childcare is hard. Mine struggled at first (also 2 days a week but in a nursery) but soon settled after about 6 weeks or so. It was very hard but the important thing is that we worked with the nursery to try and make it easier. Your CM is not doing this and for me that would be a massive red flag. In truth it sounds like she's settling too many little ones at the same time so has bitten off more than she can chew so can't give your LO the attention she deserves. If she was working with you, I'd say give it time but as she's not I'd be looking elsewhere. Yes it might prolong the settling overall in the short term but she doesn't sound like someone I'd want to rely on long term. As hard as the first 6 weeks were for my LO (and me), I didn't have any doubts in the nursery.

@Sadbaby how is your DC, I've kept wondering if you found a solution.

DD has been unwell and wasn’t able to go in for the last week so things have been on pause. She will be going in tomorrow and we hope things will be better now she is feeling better. CM said - and it sounds from here - like a six week settling period can be usual for babies who don’t go in five days a week. But I am still feeling the dread about drop off tomorrow. 😣

I really appreciate all the insights from parents and CMs on here.

Was today better @Sadbaby

Could you try a nanny? Or try find a sitter on Bubble childcare app? I worked as a nanny and never had children take longer than a week or so to settle and even with that they’d stop crying once I distracted them/ took them on a walk. It’s probably that your child is staying in the same state that you left them in with very little distractions and she hasn’t got the means to take them out or distract them.

So you've never had a child take more than 2 days to settle ....that's how long the cm has her each week then off for 5 days? Why would the child have few distractions or not be taken out?

sounds like she doesn’t have the capacity to take the children out regularly as she has two other babies to look after and maybe more children in her care but not sure if I have that right. No I never had any issues with settling as with a nanny, children are usually in their own home, all attention on them and as soon as I distract them with something fun or take them to a playgroup etc they forget their woes. This is difficult in a childminder setting or nursery as the carers don’t usually have much time for 1:1 attention, their day is filled with admin, setting up group activities, managing large groups with limited staff, school runs (if with childminders that’s common).

Hello. Things are improving. Poor baby, we’ve had chicken pox and all sorts so haven’t posted, but we are seeing her settle more quickly and be distracted where she does get upset now. Hopefully this run of teething and illness will calm down and we will see even more good signs. The childminder is taking the babies out a lot more for walks which is what my baby enjoys.

Having 3 is no reason not to be out . Tripple buggies are common as are baby carriers and walking. Days are not filled with admin .....have you actual experiences of a childminder or just guessing? Even in a nursery admin has been reduced with changes to the EYFS a few years ago although obviously there is more to keep staff informed.

Brilliant news

Great things are improving

Usually just takes time