AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

[Essexgurlx]

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

Grow up, mate.

Some parents on here sound like over grown children to be honest.

People becoming parents need to be adults. That means they need to take responsibility for their kids and their own finances. If they can’t do that, it’s not time to be a parent. Certainly, assuming thatgrandoarents will be financing their lives or providing care and that’s the norm and part of the role of being a parent to an adult child is what seems child-like and immature to me.

Clearly, some GP can’t wait to be involved on a day-to-day childcare type role. Fine. Their choice. But it has to be their choice and with no pressure or expectation. And where some people go wrong is suggesting that their own finances mean the GP should help. There’s no should about it. GP are not responsible for their adult DC finances or bank-rolling their choices. It is a selfish thing to think that as an adult you can make choices which impact like this on a parent without considering if this is what they want, but having an expectation of it. And it’s the expectation element that a number of GP have severe trouble in dealing with. Fine if they want to do childcare and offer. Not fine to expect it or to either explicitly or implicitly pressure or guilt trip them into it.

I think some people are just enjoying sticking the boot in. 4 days a week is a lot but I think most parents in her position would be happy to do at least one of the days so that they see their grandchild once a week.

Are.you giving birth to her child? No? Is it your child? You look after it

What the actual buggering bollocks is this?! That's batshit. Neither my folks nor PIL provided regular care for my dc, and neither did either my or my husband's grandparents for us. Because childrearing/organising care is The Sole Responsibility Of The Parents!!

OP your going to get so many nasty replies on here but it’s understandable that your feeling a bit let down when she’s made such a song and dance about the baby so far.

It will be hard but you’ll get through it and soon it won’t be so difficult to work around things.

That’s life. Same happened to me @23 but I was still at uni went back and finished my course. My mum moved to the other side of the world when he was a week old so that’s one way of getting out of any childcare, had my mum not moved she’d still have been working.

It is not your right to expect a free nanny, do what so many of us do and pay for it, be skint and get through the early years till school. It’s hard but you chose to keep your baby and what comes with that the same as I did. However I wasn’t quite so entitled to think someone else would provide free extensive childcare.

Your mum was excited to be a grandparent, not childcare.

two hours three times a week is surely manageable for you to find a financial solution. Remember it is a joint cost, not yours.

Before I had a child I would have said you were being unreasonable, now that I have a daughter, I think I would be really upset like yourself if my mum didn't want to help.

All these commenters saying how the child isn't her baby so why should she.. well because she's her grandmother and she's the OPs mum. So she should help. They ARE her responsibility to a degree IMO. You can't just opted out when you've had enough IMO.

A childminder will be cheaper and you can get 20% off the fees with tax free childcare.

You say that your Mum is 50 so, yes, she'll be a young grandmother but the menopause is an absolute killer! Sleepless night, exhaustion, aches and pains, memory loss and hot flushes to name just a few of the symptoms. I'm not much younger than your Mum and am now getting aching joints, stiffen up and really, really struggle to get up off the floor nowadays. Your Mum knows the reality of taking care of a baby and, believe me, she will not stop all day long taking care of that baby. She'll be lucky to get a 10 minute sit down the whole time she takes care of the child. Then come the terribles twos (multiple tantrums for reasons such as not being allowed to walk out if the house naked or wearing their pants on their head) and threenagers (where you get asked 'why?' 50 times in a day when you don't even no why you need the loo for the second time in 10 minutes).

I would ask if she'd be willing to do it one day a week on a set day so she's free for the rest of the week.

I get that it's disappointing, especially as she seems so excited but the reality of having a baby is very different from what you imagine it will be like. It's lovely, and they're worth it but it's no walk in the park.

So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm
unless you're both working from home, that just cannot be true.

It's for 2 days a week

Read it it's for 2 days a week

They are not her responsibility at all. Maybe she could have explained contraception better, but her daughter should know herself by that age.

Read it it's for 2 days a week

It's one thing being excited about the arrival of a grandchild and offering moral support, and quite another doing the day to day drudgery of childcare.

Read the question it's for 2 days

I am a mid 40s woman that doesn't currently work and I have a grand son age 1 and another on the way. I love him, and I'll love the next one but after only just finishing raising 4 kids into early adult hood I do NOT want to be regular childcare! I spent TWENTY FOUR years raising my own children, I have zero desire to curtail my freedom to raise the next generation. Absolutely not.

I want to travel on last minute holidays at the drop of a hat, retire early with my husband, buy a caravan and spend 8 weeks every summer driving around Europe etc.

I don't want to spend another 10 years doing school runs, messy play and school productions every week. I can't imagine anything worse.

But I will happily have them for a few hours/overnight once a month IF I'm home and if it fits into my schedule.

Never said she owed anything

The OP seems to be the seflish one here, having a child and not expecting to be responbsible for looking after it

The majority of parents don't look after their own children. Are they all selfish?

YABU. Of course it would be lovely if your Mum helped out, but you are wrong to expect it, especially when she didn't actually offer. She has brought up her own children and can now use her time as she wishes, just because she isn't working or volunteering doesn't mean she has to look after your child - she doesn't need an excuse not to do so.

Sounds tough, OP. Your mum has made her position very clear. I’d be lost without my mum, in terms of childcare. She’s been great. But I don’t think she’d be available as much, if she was your mum’s age.

How about you read. Nowhere does it state number if days. It says multiple in one post and a few in the other.

I'm a Granny and help DD with her childcare about once a week, plus holidays. I enjoy doing it and I have a terrific relationship with my grandson , but I don't really have a life outside the home. I've been thinking about returning to work but DH is waiting for heart surgery so he'll need my nursing skills.😅

However this is a personal choice and your mother should make her own decisions

Hello, I'm this mothers partner and she's been in bed crying for the last few hours because of you fucking wankers it's for 2 days a week and her spoiled mum who does fuck all says she won't help. LISTEN WHEN I SAY THIS YOU ARE ALL HORRIBLE PEOPLE AND SHOULDN'T HAVE CHILDREN OF YOUR OWN IF THATS HOW YOU THINK AND ACT!