AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

[Essexgurlx]

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

I'm 52, I've got an 11 year old son. If my 24 year old daughter expected me to care for a baby, it would be a no from me. I think YABU. You are not entitled to expect childcare. Yes it would be nice but to be honest, I don't blame her. My Mum said the same to me and I didn't expect it either. She did help me out very occasionally and had my baby for the odd weekend but I wouldn't have expected her to care for my child having spent years bringing up her own.

In terms of childcare, could you consider a childminder? I found an at home setting much better for my children and it was cheaper than nursery.

This is the biggest load of shit I think I've ever read on mumsnet.

You think people shouldn't have a child if they're not willing to give up the rest of their life to look after any children that may he produced by their own? What about great grandchildren? How far down does it go before they can say no to childcare?

I actually cannot believe you typed that and kept a straight face. What a load of bollocks.

Have you thought of asking your dad? You say he hasn't much spare time - but if you haven't asked him, you won't know.

(It's always mum that is expected to help.)

She should have factored in having to look after her own child’s children? Why?

So your parents supported you through uni, you have an unplanned baby, within months of getting a job and think your mum should care for your baby foc while you go to work. Wow, just wow. What exactly is your partner doing to support your family unit?

OP, I'm nearly 62. I still pull a 50/60 hour week as does dh. Our dc are 27 and 24. One is getting married in a few months, one has a serious partner. Both post graduate. Both have been told I am not committing to providing regular childcare to facilitate their work. I will provide one day of paid childcare per week. Both DC have been told not to even think about having children until they are in a position to provide for them. They were bright enough to go to university. They are bright enough not to have dc until they are fully independent

Offer her the equivalent hours in cleaning or gardening and see if she’s up for a swap.

I'm not sure what I've just read here.

I mean, my son could've been the next Napoleon but I never factored in the cost of a horse or a funny hat when I had him.

I could be your mum - done years and years as a SAHM, and I wouldn’t be doing regular childcare either.

I’d be very happy to help out on an ad hoc basis, but I’m not doing regular care.

I think my daughter would be the same as you, and take it for granted that I’d be there at the drop of a hat.

Maybe your level of entitlement is the problem? Your mum deserves her own life too

What a load of crap. There are priceless posts on threads, but well done, you have taken it to a whole new level

Fundamental things to consider before falling pregnant:

1. Can I provide love, care and support to a baby?
2. Can I afford a baby - clothes, food, nursery.

Fundamental things to consider when you "accidentally" fall pregnant - see above.

I am honestly staggered that people get themselves into a situation like yours without considering their circumstances beforehand. You and you alone will have to make this work as you decided to bring a baby into the world!

You aren’t being entitled. In real life, mums do help with grandchildren. It’s pretty normal. I’d definitely help my dc if they had a baby. If she isn’t willing to do childcare, might she be willing to help you with the cost of nursery? Again in the real world, grandparents do help pay for things. On MN, if you want any help, it’s considered entitled. IRL most people receive help of sorts from grandparents. In fact, I only know one couple who didn’t have any and I’ve been at this parenting lark 17 years. Her parents were abroad and his very elderly.

The poor bugger already has 2 jobs, he's financially supported his family for the last 25 years, put 2 kids through university and his wife won't work to presumably let him just have one job. Surely we don't expect him to also take on the childcare?!

I'm your mums age and whilst I work full time, if I didn't then filling that time helping raise another child, even my own grandchild would be hell on earth.

Is it just 2 hours per day, your partner starts at 2, you finish at 4, is there no travel to and from work? She's right to say how she feels, she hasnt said she wont, just that she's not doing it all the time and I agree. Doing childcare at the times you require prevents her planning a lot of activities/lunch etc. You decided to have the baby, this involves childcare, you'll have to manage, it's hard but you will

You won’t be expecting to receive help from your family in your old age then?!

I don’t expect people to give up their whole lives but I do think a lot of grandparents on her sound at least as entitled as their offspring.

When my DC have kids, I do t know if they will live nearby…quite likely not.

Assuming I’m retired, I’d be happy to ad hoc childcare…that would mean having them to stay or goi g to their house for 2-3 days to do childcare as one offs a couple of times a year.

If I lived locally, I’d be happy to be a named ‘emergency contact’ for school pick-up if illness occurred and the aorents weren’t around, and assuming I was actually available. Of course, I’d be away on holiday a lot. I’d also be happy to do some babysitting for evenings out. Definitely won’t want a regular day time commitment.

In my experience of my social group, most people don’t live that near their parents. That makes regular commitment childcare not really possible. Those who do live nearby, seem to use childcare as their parents aren’t up for the regular commitment and are in early retirement and living it up on dream holidays and doing regular volunteering etc or some still working. They spend time with their families and are close, but not living in each others’ pockets as many people who have never moved away from their home area seem to. Personally, I’d still want some space even if living fairly close by. And I’m sure I’d still dote on any grandchildren and love them hugely and build strong relationships by seeing them pretty regularly and maybe taking them on holidays etc. But the regular childcare wouldn’t be my thing or responsibility. It would be up to the parents to sort that. I’d be astonished if they assumed I’d be doing it.

IRL yes they help.

I know of lots of people whose parents had their DC for a day a week, two at a push.

I don't know anyone that parents had them for multiple days a week at odd hours which meant their parents could have no life of their own.

Your child, your problem, she's done her parenting but bringing up you & your sister. Don't be so selfish and entitled, have you ever thought she may want to enjoy her life while she's young enough to enjoy it.

But she chose to have a child knowing full well that child might have their own child one day. She should have factored that in when she made her own decision about wanting a family.

WTAF???

YWBmassivelyU to make such an assumption. Your mum can be happy and proud to be a granny but still not want to provide regular care. One does not negate the other. She's done her child rearing and she doesn't owe you anything. If you'd chatted with her and found out her point if view first you'd be less worked up now.

YABU i'm afraid.
Hopefully you can find a childcare solution that works for you and your partner. Make sure you're on bulletproof contraception (double up) so this doesn't happen again

Personally no I wouldn't expect it.

I watched my parents run into the ground providing care for my GP (who were lovely) whilst looking after us and working. It took a real toll on them.

you should F**k off

i am a single mum with 100% custody. I work and study. My parents have done zilch to help in any way. And never will. Not even a phone call now and then. I understand why you are hurt, but you’re better off with a nursery. They do loads of cool stuff like messy play and she will get to hang out with other babies. Plus they are more reliable than grandparents and childminders.

Hilarious!

And you are quite rightly getting your arse handed to you on a golden platter for saying this.

P.S. 😂