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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

621 replies

Essexgurlx · 21/06/2022 19:28

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
onlythreenow · 22/06/2022 02:45

But she chose to have a child knowing full well that child might have their own child one day. She should have factored that in when she made her own decision about wanting a family.

I've heard it all now!!! What a ridiculous statement.

BoreOfWhabylon · 22/06/2022 03:14

Bibbetybobbity · 22/06/2022 06:22

Is it weird that this thread was the first thing I thought of when I woke up 😂😂😂

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 22/06/2022 06:23

Bibbetybobbity · 22/06/2022 06:22

Is it weird that this thread was the first thing I thought of when I woke up 😂😂😂

😂

Floella22 · 22/06/2022 06:26

It’s tough OP but ultimately your dc is not your dm’s responsibility.

I think your dm is selfish for letting your df work two jobs whilst doing nothing herself.

CandyLeBonBon · 22/06/2022 06:52

I've been there every day for my three kids in all sorts of myriad ways - I've been their constant for the last 2 and a bit decades and have put a lot of my own wants and needs to one side on many occasions to ensure they have what they need and want. I love my children. I will love my grandchildren too but my child-rearing days are almost over and I'm exhausted. I'm 53 in a month. I can't wait for sone 'me' time.

When my kids have kids, I will look forward to time in the park and ice creams and baking and jumping in muddy puddles and cuddles and snuggles with my grandchildren as a treat and to give my own kids a break now and then, and as much as I feel able. But the thought of that daily slog again, of relentless childcare week in and week out meaning I can't ever enjoy my time as I choose now my own kids have grown?

No thanks. Loving your grandchildren doesn't automatically mean free childcare. Fair enough if someone wants to, but it is not a given.

And as for the 'partner' on this thread - are you sure you're mature enough to become a parent? What a loon!!!

WhiteCircles · 22/06/2022 07:00

I'm 50 and a really committed mother to my DC (now early 20s) I really do see it as my job to support them any way I can.

I'm still working, but if I wasnt I wouldn't offer more than one or two days pw and even that wound be on the understanding that if I had other plans (holiday etc) they have to make alternative arrangements. I don't want to be turning down invitations because I've committed to do unpaid work.

It sounds like your mum might be good emergency childcare and that will be invaluable.

Bobbins36 · 22/06/2022 07:00

Twillow · 21/06/2022 19:43

I'm sorry she's not willing to help, it really would be a help but she's clearly not interested in doing that for you and there's no point getting upset about it as (selfish as it is) it is her right.

Why selfish? Mum had said she’ll do some baby’s sitting etc, just not the regular unpaid childcare???

faffadoodledo · 22/06/2022 07:19

I think the big problem is you're expecting multiple days. It doesn't matter that it's a few hours in those days; you're basically expecting her to have her week ruled by your childcare needs. Is there any way you could ask her to do say one full day?
I'm a bit older than your mum and in a similar position and those arrangements you've quoted wouldn't appeal to me. But a full day every week would be lovely!
Fwiw my mum and mother in law never offered or did any childcare for us. I accepted that. Despite them doing it for my sister and in laws!

redbigbananafeet · 22/06/2022 07:24

Essexgurlx · 21/06/2022 19:28

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

It wouldn't be just 2-4 though. It'd be buffer/collection drop off either side so more like 1-5 at least. That's her whole afternoon.

LaFloristaCalista · 22/06/2022 07:40

I'm 52 and there's no way I would provide regular childcare for anyone. I paid for full time nursery when my DC was born and it was hard to find the money, but absolutely worth it. You have time to get ready, so start looking at nurseries now and put your name down for the one you like

Wednesdayafternoon · 22/06/2022 07:42

My mum helps me out a lot since I became a single mum. She's retired and I. Her 60s. Deep down I know that she probably wants to be doing other things but she's supporting me and my sons SO much and as the youngest is starting nursery and my eldest is at school that support is going to be less and less. It's not permanent. I think it's a shame that your mum isn't willing to help you. And no she's not obliged too at all, but it's a shame she doesn't.

C8H10N4O2 · 22/06/2022 07:45

DomPerignon12 · 21/06/2022 22:00

Wow ok despite the name-change failed OP being a rude, entitled piece of work I'm not against the general premise of the thread.
Families help each other out.
If this is the general attitude towards childcare no wonder old people are left to manage everything on their own. It's 'not the kids' responsibility' after all..

When threads like this say "families" help each other out, "families" look after the children/grandchildren/fred the goldfish what they actually mean is "women".

Its women who do the overwhelming bulk of all this free labour, its women whose time you are dismissing as of little value. In this fiction the DGM isn't in paid work and whatever else she does is dismissed as valueless and she is fit only to provide free services around childcare.
Women must have no aspirations or interest of their own - just permanent on tap free care services for anyone who needs it.

Yes families do try to help each other out but there is a world of difference between being backup support, a bit of baby sitting, dropping off the elderly relatives shopping and the regular, time consuming and tiring commitment which is regular, scheduled care.

LovelyYellowLabrador · 22/06/2022 07:59

Funny how you can’t expect any support from parents yet when they get elderly/ill you will most likely be expected to support them ……

redskyatnight · 22/06/2022 07:59

I do feel a bit sorry for OP. The pregnancy was unplanned and I suspect she looked at her mum doing "nothing" all day (basically OP's words) and figured she would love to step into the childcare gap. And OP has no doubt spent the pregnancy imagining a lovely idyllic life where she works and her mum looks after the child (who sleeps through the night from an early age and is super well behaved) and all is well with the world. And it's a shock because that illusion has been shattered and she's left with reality and adjusting to it and realising that actually having a child will make her life harder in ways she hadn't appreciated.

She's not the only new mum who didn't understand how much work and all consuming a baby would be. And as she's not experienced it yet, she probably doesn't yet appreciate how just having time and space to do whatever you want even if other people don't perceive it to be massively important is. Not wishing to sound patronising, but OP is young and this might be the first time that she's realised that parents aren't just there to do whatever you want. I cried when I discovered that too - not because they weren't there, but because of my shattered childhood beliefs.

butterflied · 22/06/2022 08:08

But she chose to have a child knowing full well that child might have their own child one day. She should have factored that in when she made her own decision about wanting a family.

This is crazy. The expectation is very entitled. But OK, another reason not to have children. I quite like having my own life.

MamanDeChoix · 22/06/2022 08:09

Essexgurlx · 21/06/2022 19:39

Thank you everyone for the honest replies. I did just expect more support as she was so excited throughout my pregnancy and said she’d support (but didn’t make any exact promises etc) and with her just living around the corner and not working or studying and still being fairly young and physically well I just didn’t think she’d mind having her grandchild for a few hours a few days a week but clearly that was presumptuous of me.

But being excited about her grandchild is one thing to you assuming that her life will now be dictated by the needs of your household.

Why should she be responsible for your childcare needs? It would be wonderful if she'd chosen to, but that's not the case.

You chose to have a baby. You've chosen to return ft. So now you and your oh need to make some decisions about how to move forward as a unit. Not being reliant on others for matters that should be resolved by you as a unit.

As for her not working, volunteering etc, that's also irrelevant as she's entitled to decide how to spend her time and has raised her own children!

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 22/06/2022 08:10

Annnnnnddddd people still haven't RTFT (or even the last 5 pages)

plinkplinkfizzer · 22/06/2022 08:11

C8H10N4O2 · 22/06/2022 07:45

When threads like this say "families" help each other out, "families" look after the children/grandchildren/fred the goldfish what they actually mean is "women".

Its women who do the overwhelming bulk of all this free labour, its women whose time you are dismissing as of little value. In this fiction the DGM isn't in paid work and whatever else she does is dismissed as valueless and she is fit only to provide free services around childcare.
Women must have no aspirations or interest of their own - just permanent on tap free care services for anyone who needs it.

Yes families do try to help each other out but there is a world of difference between being backup support, a bit of baby sitting, dropping off the elderly relatives shopping and the regular, time consuming and tiring commitment which is regular, scheduled care.

Show quote history

OP should have instead asked her Father for a wad of cash for her helping out instead of asking for hard labour .💰

Ravenglass83 · 22/06/2022 08:12

Having your own independent childcare arrangements that don't involve having to negotiate with your family for cover could be amazing in terms of allowing you to make your own independent choices about your work hours etc.
Definitely look into what you want from a childcare provider, if you're paying for it at least that gives you the freedom to pick and choose what will suit YOU and your ambitions. But do it now, don't make the assumption that the nursery nearest you will have places when you need them. There can long waiting lists so it's great that you've got chance to start looking now.

Ugzbugz · 22/06/2022 08:14

Hold on, so your DP will get home after midnight then look after the baby until around 2 then go to work until midnight again?

Also 2 until 4, 4 days in a row is a very annoying time if she has plans ans clubs etc. My mum would never have committed to that and doubt I would either.

RosesAndHellebores · 22/06/2022 08:16

Our parents helped in emergencies and when they wanted to visit. We paid for childcare.

Now they are elderly - mid 80s and DH's mother is widowed and increasingly frail, we help in emergencies. DH visits his mother monthly, and pays a carer to check on her daily and to make sure she has lunch. When mine become frail I shall do similar but largely the care will be paid for as our childcare was paid for.

When our DC were small both grandma's were busy. One still working, one helping my step with his business. Plus they had interests and social lives.

Tomeeornottomee · 22/06/2022 08:19

www.childcarechoices.gov.uk/
have a look here and see what your options are with regards to childcare. I’m the same age as your mum and although I love having my GS regularly, it IS very tiring and after a weekend it takes me 2 days to get over it! Like a non alcoholic hangover. She may be fit and well but she’s also probably aware of her limitations AND she wants to be a gran, rather than a childminder. Hope you can get something sorted out and congratulations on your baby.

Matildahoney · 22/06/2022 08:27

LovelyYellowLabrador · 22/06/2022 07:59

Funny how you can’t expect any support from parents yet when they get elderly/ill you will most likely be expected to support them ……

Erm your parents bring you up for the first at least 18 years of your life .. not really sure what your point is here but I think it's failed! You're their child, they're your parent, OP is talking grandparent, not the same at all!

SoupDragon · 22/06/2022 08:30

LovelyYellowLabrador · 22/06/2022 07:59

Funny how you can’t expect any support from parents yet when they get elderly/ill you will most likely be expected to support them ……

This is just not true though. I doubt very much that they will expect their children to come in for up to 5 hours a day, 4 days a week. If they do, they are just as entitled as those who expect the same from their parents.