AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

[Essexgurlx]

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

Op, these comments are harsh and I dislike the thinking (all over mumsnet) that because I had it tough then everyone should. If I were in a position to help out by offering two afternoons a week I would. Because I wouldn't want my child to struggle and because I would enjoy getting to know my grandchild. Your mum may well change her mind over coming months but you can't bank on that. I feel for you. Childcare costs are crippling and it is such a juggle to fit work and childcare together. You're probably also a bit scared and I remember feeling a bit clueless and alone when having my first child. I hope you work something out x

Morning Cunt Mums ©

My little family are always there for each other.

in an emergency, I know for a fact that my little family (siblings, their partners and children) would be there for each other like a shot. You don't need to live in each other's pockets or be there every day for that.

If I were in a position to help out by offering two afternoons a week I would

it isn't "two afternoons a week"

Yes, funny how that is never suggested. Or perhaps the grandfathers could both go 4 days a week and provide a day each. Its always the women who even if in paid work are considered culpable for not providing free carer services.

My dad was my childminder when DC were small and mum was still working. He made it clear he wasn't doing more than one day per week and that they wouldn't plan their holidays around it though.

Nursery if just afternoons doesn't cost thousands there is also govt 20% scheme and childminders are cheaper then nurseries.
Your upset is misplaced you should have discussed this with your partner and never presumed your mum would be your free childcare! Time to grow up!

My dad was my childminder when DC were small and mum was still working. He made it clear he wasn't doing more than one day per week and that they wouldn't plan their holidays around it though

Which is great but doesn't refute the general premise that the expectation is on women, not men. IME men providing childcare are treated as vaguely heroic (often with implicit criticism of the women in their lives). For women, its simply expected.

I think you being unreasonable
Youve chosen to have your child and it's your responsibility.
Childminders are cheaper than nursery as other posters have said and there is also the governments 20% tax free childcare scheme where you enroll and save 20% of your bill

Thousands of working parents have childcare expenses it's just part of life
But think of it this way - you'll be younger having your child so you'll get the expenses should be over sooner for you which is a bonus

I am looking forward to having grandchildren and looking after them. However, by the time my youngest leaves home, I will have been having full time mum duties for 27 years and wouldn’t like to be tied down for the remainder of my life. I did that for my kids. Gave up working, sacrificed a lot of things. I had to work my own life out as should my kids.

my ex MIL would look after my eldest once a week when he was at nursery. I would still pay the nursery because she didn’t want to be beholden. I offered to pay her instead of the nursery for that one day a week but she would rather know that if she was busy she don’t have to look after him. And that’s because my ex had used her as very full on childcare for his first child and had been burnt.

It is possible when the baby arrives that she might want to do more.

My SIL was adamant that she was only looking after DGD one day a week, but then covid arrived and things changed and she now looks after her two days a week through choice.

I don't know if the DPs appreciate how lucky they are though as other GPS provide the rest of the childcare. They're trying for another DC and I do wonder if they have involved SIL in this decision as looking after one is vastly different to being a bit older and expected to look after a baby and a toddler.

Oh i do love this name ❤️😂

I don’t expect people to give up their whole lives but I do think a lot of grandparents on her sound at least as entitled as their offspring

How are they entitled? They're not actually asking for anything.

Wasn’t this about the mother managing expectations.

Here is an unexpected pregnancy and the mother can see the way OPs thinking is going…in terms of she will be on call, and OP imagines her having nothing else to do and being around MULTIPLE days of the week. Isn’t mother just reigning her in. It’s needed, because OP isn’t very mature and has unrealistic and assumed expectations.

It doesn’t mean mother won’t help. In fact she says she will. However, she wants OP to start taking responsibility and to start understanding what having a baby means.

To be honest, I’d be more worried if the mother said ‘Don’t worry at all about the fact you’re 21 and with an unplanned pregnancy and no real way financing this. I will take over and become the parent and look after you all’

Many parents and grandparents find this difficult to negotiate. GP usually want to be involved and a support especially if they live locally. However, quite what that looks like can vary a lot. The new parents need to be careful not to over demand or guilt trip their own parents into more than they want to do. Ultimately it is the GP choice about how much or little to do and lots will help but don’t want a regular commitment.

As many others said you need to sort this out yourself

too many children take advantage of their parents ie granny and expect free childcare

its a huge commitment and tiring

your mum though young has spent the last 20yrs of her life looking after you as a parent

It is now her time and she may not work but have her own life to live

yes be nice if she could do one day to help with costs but it is in the end you and your partners problem to solve

yes you may work for nothing for the first 3yrs till 15hrs kick in but in the long term it’s worth it to keep your career up

Both my DM and DMIL are retired and have my children 1 day per week each. It was never expected but they both had lots of help when their children were younger.

Once they start school, they will only have them during school holidays.

We always said that if they have plans or want to go on holiday, my DH and I would take AL or we would pay for additional childcare.

It takes a village to raise a child, and I think it's so sad when parents who can help and support, don't (especially considering they probably had help, and their parents probably had help).

Her mother was "there for her " in all the years she raised her.

@KosherDill Does being a mother stop when her children are raised? I was mistaken thinking it was a lifetime commitment to them. I guess all the Mothers Day cards and presents to her can stop then, and when she's old and needs help with her shopping for a few hours a week, her children can just say "not my problem" and it would be entirely fair.

What a lovely dynamic. Glad my family isn't this self centred.

Do you honestly not think by the time you get to 18 your mother‘s done enough for you and actually you do over a lifetime of thanks?
I actually think this is where the world is gone fucking mad your mother popped you out of her vagina ruined her body kept you fed and watered for 18 years when you couldn’t do it yourself and you should be eternally grateful for that alone if you got anything else on top of it it was a bonus but no children are not a lifetime of commitment once they get to 18.

I bloody well don't expect to be wiping their arses in 18 years.

Crazy thing and I know this may shock you. But the relationship evolves and changes

The OP’s mother has brought the OP up. That should be enough that the OP would look after her in return when she’s old. She’s barely had four years of the OP being an adult, and now is expected to start all over again. That’s not reasonable.

when she's old and needs help with her shopping for a few hours a week

Shopping is nowhere near as big a commitment as childcare 😂😂 Even when I did my mum's shopping and made a 3 hour round trip to deliver it it wasn't as taxing as childcare.

When the village gets a say in who has children, when, and how many, perhaps we'll be more inclined to help out.

If you want autonomy in those decisions, don't expect to hijack others' lives in order to make your choices work for you.

All of this. And add unsuitable life partner too.

Our parents put in many year's to raise us; they deserve old age support for doing so.

They don't have to be our skivvies in adulthood too, in order to merit respect and care as they age.

Yeah, I'm sure they'd love to quit their dull time jobs to become unpaid child care