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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

621 replies

Essexgurlx · 21/06/2022 19:28

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
LovelyYellowLabrador · 22/06/2022 11:08

Caring for the elderly tends to fall on the women too

LovelyYellowLabrador · 22/06/2022 11:09

And the sick and the disabled

saraclara · 22/06/2022 11:10

People are not so quick to say "it takes a village" when that grandparent dares to give a bit of advice, have an opinion, or gives their grandchild a forbidden biscuit.

It only takes a village when an unpaid commitment to regular childcare is expected, apparently. At which point the GP had to abide by every petty rule that the more prissy MNers put in place.

KosherDill · 22/06/2022 11:12

saraclara · 22/06/2022 11:10

People are not so quick to say "it takes a village" when that grandparent dares to give a bit of advice, have an opinion, or gives their grandchild a forbidden biscuit.

It only takes a village when an unpaid commitment to regular childcare is expected, apparently. At which point the GP had to abide by every petty rule that the more prissy MNers put in place.

Exactly.

These days the village is expected to keep its mouth shut while handling over its wallet and sacrificing all personal desires and leisure time in service to the personal choices of the younger generations.

Or is threatened with being abandoned in old age.

mewkins · 22/06/2022 11:32

SoupDragon · 22/06/2022 08:38

If I were in a position to help out by offering two afternoons a week I would

it isn't "two afternoons a week"

No but it's not all or nothing is it? The OP would still massively benefit from that.

CandleSchtick · 22/06/2022 11:34

She did it with you. It's your turn now

This puts me in mind of all the posts about interfering mils, getting too involved with grandchildren and 'crossing boundaries' The cry goes out "She's had her turn, it's your turn now!" Amazing how the rules change when it's convenient.

I'm agreeing with you, btw.

newbiename · 22/06/2022 11:35

Baffles me how people expect grandparents to provide free childcare.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 22/06/2022 11:46

Is this thread still going. 🤣

OP isn't coming back.

OPs DP certainly isn't after their ranting yesterday.

If I was the DM, after what the DP said about me last night, I wouldn't be babysitting either.

Pyewhacket · 22/06/2022 12:01

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 22/06/2022 11:46

Is this thread still going. 🤣

OP isn't coming back.

OPs DP certainly isn't after their ranting yesterday.

If I was the DM, after what the DP said about me last night, I wouldn't be babysitting either.

But she was never going to lift a finger in the first place so no worries there, apart from kissing goodbye to her daughter and grandchild.

But yes, this one is past its sell-by date and needs knocking on the head.

SoupDragon · 22/06/2022 12:13

But she was never going to lift a finger in the first place so no worries there

the OP clearly says that the mother was willing to help "every now and then".

Herejustforthisone · 22/06/2022 12:30

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 22/06/2022 11:46

Is this thread still going. 🤣

OP isn't coming back.

OPs DP certainly isn't after their ranting yesterday.

If I was the DM, after what the DP said about me last night, I wouldn't be babysitting either.

It’s a bit less fun this morning, though.

Coyoacan · 22/06/2022 13:35

@mewkins
Having read the OP's partner here, I would not like to be the grandmother if, god forbid, the baby were to suffer a minor accident while under the grandmother's care.

RoseMartha · 22/06/2022 15:02

If I was your mum as I am a similar age (but my children are young teens).

I personally would offer one day a week. It is too much of a tie otherwise and 2-4pm are not hours I would particularly want to do. It cuts right into the middle of the day and to expect that x 4 days a week is not on.

Your mum wants to be a part of your child's life but not solely on your terms which is perfectly understandable as she has her own life.

You will have to see which is better for you, full time, part time or SAHM until 3

RoseMartha · 22/06/2022 15:15

If I was your mum as I am a similar age (but my children are young teens).

I personally would offer one day a week. It is too much of a tie otherwise and 2-4pm are not hours I would particularly want to do. It cuts right into the middle of the day and to expect that x 4 days a week is not on.

Your mum wants to be a part of your child's life but not solely on your terms which is perfectly understandable as she has her own life.

You will have to see which is better for you, full time, part time or SAHM until 3

KosherDill · 22/06/2022 15:26

Coyoacan · 22/06/2022 13:35

@mewkins
Having read the OP's partner here, I would not like to be the grandmother if, god forbid, the baby were to suffer a minor accident while under the grandmother's care.

Did the OP's partner post?!

Phobiaphobic · 22/06/2022 15:31

Cherryblossoms85 · 21/06/2022 23:28

Maybe to move away from this specific scenario, it's quite interesting that nearly everyone thinks childcare is personal responsibility, and yet on many other threads talk about it needing greater government intervention. All government money is our money, tax money. So why's it OTOH all the OPs problem (admittedly the attitude is), and yet in similar scenarios where people can't afford to work because childcare is too expensive, that is a social problem and a feminist problem, which the government should take seriously if it takes women's equality seriously? She's a graduate who may well now never be able to go into her chosen field, I didn't see what it was but many graduate track jobs are full time or nothing. So basically, she can either have a career and refund us taxpayers the student loans over the income threshold, or she can sack it all off and lump us all with the unpaid loans - why is that a better option for anyone? I find it kind of sad that they've gone ahead with having a baby so young, and are more or less confronted with "should've binned it because it's a burden if you can't pay". I dunno, just seems really harsh.

I agree, but how about men shoulder some of this childcare responsibility as well, @Cherryblossoms85 ? Women are always seen as the default solution. Basically we're expected to shoulder the care burden all through our adult lives, first our kids, then grandkids and aging parents. Retirement is but a dream for so many women, and even if they do achieve it, you can bet they're doing most of the domestic work and cooking for their husbands.

amicissimma · 22/06/2022 16:01

So your mum gave up her life outside the home to raise you and your sibling and now, not only are you not prepared to do the same for your own child, you also expect her to give up her life activities/interests again to raise your child.

I see that you would like to choose how you fill your days but your mum should not be allowed to fill hers as she chooses.

mewkins · 22/06/2022 16:05

Coyoacan · 22/06/2022 13:35

@mewkins
Having read the OP's partner here, I would not like to be the grandmother if, god forbid, the baby were to suffer a minor accident while under the grandmother's care.

How do we know that it actually is the OP's partner? This place is weird.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 22/06/2022 16:29

mewkins · 22/06/2022 16:05

How do we know that it actually is the OP's partner? This place is weird.

Show quote history

Well they announced that they were in their first sweary name calling rant.

You either believe them or you don't same as any poster.

AclowncalledAlice · 22/06/2022 16:33

Well this thread has made me very glad 1 only have 1 child (DD), who has chosen to be childfree. 😁

Cherryblossoms85 · 22/06/2022 17:50

@Phobiaphobic yeah very true. I guess I am in the luxury position of having issued my DH with the ultimatum of either pulling his weight with the kids and house, or ditching his job (we both worked full-time but he did absolutely FA else). So I now have a full time house husband who's doing absolutely everything around house & kids whilst I go for promotion 😁

RenegadeMatron · 22/06/2022 18:21

mewkins · 22/06/2022 16:05

How do we know that it actually is the OP's partner? This place is weird.

Show quote history

They said they were 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why believe the OP is real, in that case?

SoupDragon · 22/06/2022 18:30

So I now have a full time house husband who's doing absolutely everything around house & kids whilst I go for promotion

Interesting how that is a positive but if the SAHM does "absolutely everything around house and kids" whilst the father goes out to work he is a feckless lazy arse 🤔

Nanny0gg · 22/06/2022 18:41

LovelyYellowLabrador · 22/06/2022 07:59

Funny how you can’t expect any support from parents yet when they get elderly/ill you will most likely be expected to support them ……

Oh bollocks

And by that logic you owe them for all they did for you growing up

Nanny0gg · 22/06/2022 18:45

rhowton · 22/06/2022 10:19

Both my DM and DMIL are retired and have my children 1 day per week each. It was never expected but they both had lots of help when their children were younger.

Once they start school, they will only have them during school holidays.

We always said that if they have plans or want to go on holiday, my DH and I would take AL or we would pay for additional childcare.

It takes a village to raise a child, and I think it's so sad when parents who can help and support, don't (especially considering they probably had help, and their parents probably had help).

Well, in my case I had none and in my mother's case she had none.