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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

621 replies

Essexgurlx · 21/06/2022 19:28

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Musti · 22/06/2022 00:18

Two hours every day would really cut into her schedule. Many peoples salary go on childcare when they are young and you just have to suck it up. I had to become a sahm after I had my second as it didn’t make financial or practical sense. Even if my parents had lived closer, they wouldn’t have wanted to provide such frequent childcare.

Applesandroses · 22/06/2022 00:19

Your mother is not responsible for the results of your contraceptive error

FemmeNatal · 22/06/2022 00:22

slashlover · 22/06/2022 00:12

I don’t know anyone who chose to have children so young, so assumed, like the OP, that it mustn’t have been planned. Did you not want to get established in your career first? It’s very young to be married and a parent.

What a nasty, judgemental post @FemmeNatal

Is it really normal in the UK? I don’t know anyone who’s decided to have children at such an age, only two of my husband’s relatives who both didn’t plan it.

Is it not normal to wait to get married and start a family?

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 22/06/2022 00:28

@FemmeNatal are you for real?

User2145738790 · 22/06/2022 00:30

FemmeNatal · 22/06/2022 00:22

Is it really normal in the UK? I don’t know anyone who’s decided to have children at such an age, only two of my husband’s relatives who both didn’t plan it.

Is it not normal to wait to get married and start a family?

Show quote history

<head tilt>

<Tinkly laugh>

airrrrAIRRRRiELLLL · 22/06/2022 00:37

So is it 2 days or not? Is it still important?

snooze987 · 22/06/2022 00:45

I don't agree with anyones comments you would assume she would want to help out and they don't.

There ain't no village for us! Just got to get in with it!

Nanny0gg · 22/06/2022 00:50

Skidaramink · 21/06/2022 22:55

I think she is being selfish. It's so much harder these days to bring up children than it was for our parents. You would think she would want to help - I would if it were my daughter, no doubt about it.

Well that's nice if you're happy about it.

But do you know one downside?

I don't always feel like their grandmother as I fulfil a parenting role so often.

Nanny0gg · 22/06/2022 00:54

Skidaramink · 21/06/2022 22:55

I think she is being selfish. It's so much harder these days to bring up children than it was for our parents. You would think she would want to help - I would if it were my daughter, no doubt about it.

How exactly is it harder?

LovePoppy · 22/06/2022 01:02

But she is supporting you.

she’s just not giving you what you want.

my mother was overjoyed at her first grandchild, she was also VERY clear that she had her own life.

i respected that and got a childminder. I was never unsupported

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 22/06/2022 01:04

What happened to family? I live with my DS and DiL, we choose to live together. I have no partner, brought DS up on my own, of course I'd help out with the baby. Just as they will help me not to fall on my face when i'm 80 odd.
That's what family are for.
I have no feelings for my own family who moved abroad leaving me in boarding school for years and then to manage on my own as a single mum aged 20 then returned to the UK when they were old expecting me to look after them - I didn't. I barely recognised them..
That's entitled if you want entitled, totally absent parents who expect you to run around after them when they get old.
My little family are always there for each other.

Pallisers · 22/06/2022 01:04

OP don't bother with your mum - so useless- just ask your dad to mind the baby instead. He is probably at the age where he can retire or go parttime - especially considering you will be on maternity leave for a while - and I'm sure he'd love to lock into a commitment of minding a baby/toddler a few days a week. Or alternatively ask your FIL maybe? He could be up for it I'm sure.

CJsGoldfish · 22/06/2022 01:05

Assuming any of this is real...
'That' was the best you could do as a father for your child? 😳
I now understand completely why your mother does not want to take on the childcare.
🤷‍♀️

LovePoppy · 22/06/2022 01:05

Cherryblossoms85 · 21/06/2022 23:28

Maybe to move away from this specific scenario, it's quite interesting that nearly everyone thinks childcare is personal responsibility, and yet on many other threads talk about it needing greater government intervention. All government money is our money, tax money. So why's it OTOH all the OPs problem (admittedly the attitude is), and yet in similar scenarios where people can't afford to work because childcare is too expensive, that is a social problem and a feminist problem, which the government should take seriously if it takes women's equality seriously? She's a graduate who may well now never be able to go into her chosen field, I didn't see what it was but many graduate track jobs are full time or nothing. So basically, she can either have a career and refund us taxpayers the student loans over the income threshold, or she can sack it all off and lump us all with the unpaid loans - why is that a better option for anyone? I find it kind of sad that they've gone ahead with having a baby so young, and are more or less confronted with "should've binned it because it's a burden if you can't pay". I dunno, just seems really harsh.

For me, child care is a social issue.

however, the answer isn’t forcing older female family members to fill the void

Pallisers · 22/06/2022 01:07

My little family are always there for each other.

yeah that's how most of us live our lives tbh. But I don't expect my dil - or sil - or my children to sacrifice their lives to mine when I am 80 and falling over and need 1:1 care 24/7. If it doesn't severely impact, yeah fine. If it does, no way. Ditto with childcare.

ManateeFair · 22/06/2022 01:14

Essexgurlx · 21/06/2022 19:39

Thank you everyone for the honest replies. I did just expect more support as she was so excited throughout my pregnancy and said she’d support (but didn’t make any exact promises etc) and with her just living around the corner and not working or studying and still being fairly young and physically well I just didn’t think she’d mind having her grandchild for a few hours a few days a week but clearly that was presumptuous of me.

Why on earth would you assume that just because she is fit and well, and isn’t sufficiently busy for your liking, it would be reasonable to assume she would provide you with regular childcare? She’s spent most of her adult life caring for her own kids, and the moment she has some freedom from that you assumed she’d just give that up to look after your kid several times a week for ‘a few hours’? Why on earth should she? She’s done her parenting years. She probably wants her days and her house to herself without having to factor in childcare arrangements every time she needs to do something.

OnAWobblyFence · 22/06/2022 01:22

But she chose to have a child knowing full well that child might have their own child one day. She should have factored that in when she made her own decision about wanting a family.

Jesus fucking Christ! Are you for real? So, your mother when she got pregnant was not only supposed to consider the child she was bringing into the world but also her grandchildren. What if your mother also got pregnant “unexpectedly”?

So, according to you, it’s ok for you to shag your boyfriend like there’s no tomorrow because your mother is responsible for caring for any children that might result. You need a different hobby. And why does your rule of being responsible for your grandchildren only apply to your mother and not you? You didn’t even think about how you would care for this one, let alone grandchildren, when you pulled your knickers off.

Just when you think you’ve seen it all….

KosherDill · 22/06/2022 01:27

You chose to produce the child. Your responsibility.

Your mother is right to enjoy the leisure time she's earned.

KosherDill · 22/06/2022 01:31

Buzzer3555 · 21/06/2022 19:34

It's tough but your mum has been honest so there is not a lot you can do. She is not obliged to look after the child. Personally I think she is being a bit selfish but like i said you cant force her

In what way is she being selfish??

KosherDill · 22/06/2022 01:33

IncompleteSenten · 21/06/2022 19:38

What would I do?
I would accept and respect my mum's decision and understand that she doesn't actually owe me childcare.

I would feel really sad that she didn't want to because I think families should want to be there for each other and help each other but I would keep that to myself and keep reminding myself I have no entitlement to childcare from her and I would make other arrangements.

Her mother was "there for her " in all the years she raised her.

Masonia · 22/06/2022 02:02

I can see it from both sides; yes, it’s not “your mums kid” and she never “signed up” to look after a child but she’s still family at the end of the day and your family should help you out when you’re in need. I think I would be frustrated knowing that she has no other responsibilities and lots of time on her hands to look after the baby yet has said she won’t do it.

Bit of a tricky one!

Henerlo · 22/06/2022 02:05

What a palaver.

KosherDill · 22/06/2022 02:10

Masonia · 22/06/2022 02:02

I can see it from both sides; yes, it’s not “your mums kid” and she never “signed up” to look after a child but she’s still family at the end of the day and your family should help you out when you’re in need. I think I would be frustrated knowing that she has no other responsibilities and lots of time on her hands to look after the baby yet has said she won’t do it.

Bit of a tricky one!

The "need" is self inflicted and there are myriad ways to meet the need besides prevailing on the time of a woman who's paid her dues and who had zero say in the appearance of this child.

Snugglepumpkin · 22/06/2022 02:36

Would you think it was selfish if your mum just up & expected you to come over & clean her house for 6 hours a day every Saturday & Sunday & commit to doing it for several years for free because she didn't want to pay for a cleaner?
After all, you are family, surely you should 'want' to do it.

How many hours a week for the past few years have you given her in unpaid work?

Why do you think childcare (a career people train to do) should be a freebie for you, but everything you do should give you a wage?

Your mothers free time is not yours to use up, or even your business.

Why should she 'want' to do a decade long job just because you had sex?

aloris · 22/06/2022 02:38

"A few hours a few days a week" is a LOT of childcare. Even one day a week is a big commitment: it means you're always on the hook. It means you can't go on a week-long trip without someone complaining that they've had to change their plans for you. It means if you're sick or just tired, you have to make sure you have energy left over to take care of someone who needs hands-on care. You say you are early 20s, that means your mother only recently got her own time back. You sound fairly entitled: you assumed she would be your regular childcare, you think asking her to do a few hours a few days a week, is no big deal. If she doesn't do regular childcare (which is actually a HUGE ask on your part), you feel she is not supporting you. Maybe your mum just needs a break from being treated as the least important person in her own life.