AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

[Essexgurlx]

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

How would any of that be beneficial to the OPs mother.

When negotiating you actually need to have something the other party wants.

Looks like OP has sweet FA to offer

This thread and the M &S one have made my night. I'm sad they'll both be gone by the morning

So selfish and entitled.

I can't believe this thread is still going.

And there's an M&S one , you say...

Maybe to move away from this specific scenario, it's quite interesting that nearly everyone thinks childcare is personal responsibility, and yet on many other threads talk about it needing greater government intervention. All government money is our money, tax money. So why's it OTOH all the OPs problem (admittedly the attitude is), and yet in similar scenarios where people can't afford to work because childcare is too expensive, that is a social problem and a feminist problem, which the government should take seriously if it takes women's equality seriously? She's a graduate who may well now never be able to go into her chosen field, I didn't see what it was but many graduate track jobs are full time or nothing. So basically, she can either have a career and refund us taxpayers the student loans over the income threshold, or she can sack it all off and lump us all with the unpaid loans - why is that a better option for anyone? I find it kind of sad that they've gone ahead with having a baby so young, and are more or less confronted with "should've binned it because it's a burden if you can't pay". I dunno, just seems really harsh.

It occues to me that your mum might change her mind when baby is here.
You need to make other arrangements now for certain but if things work out well she might fall in love with baby and want to spend more time with him or her.

But she chose to have a child knowing full well that child might have their own child one day. She should have factored that in when she made her own decision about wanting a family. @Tilltheend99 so I shouldn't have kids unless I'm prepared to babysit my grandkids?? I was 38 when I had my lads, if they're a similar age that's 76+. So if they have twins that could be four toddlers I've got at 80. And I shouldn't have had them unless I was prepared for this??

Oh wow. The M&S one is tremendous.

Hi op. It sure would be lovely to have that help, I sympathise, I and DH have no help and it's expensive and very stressful. That being said, I don't see myself ever offering to do this for grandkids when the time comes. I am raising my own kids now, it's very hard and I don't want to have to do it again, even in small doses of 2 hours a day. It's only 2 hours but it means your Mum is tied down 4 days a week, for at least 4 years. Longer if you still need help when they go to school. That's a really REALLY big ask of anyone. I imagine that there are loads of grandparents out there who very much love their children and grandchildren but just don't want to make that commitment and have that workload for years on end (and small kids are lovely but hard work). I hope you can feel better about this because I don't think it's any reflection on how your Mum feels about you or baby. Good luck. p.s. time does fly once you have a child, blink and this phase of nursery will have passed. It's not forever, don't feel too disheartened.

I know. THAT is an expertly done thread none of this in-your-face goady "fuck off you toxic cunt mums" malarkey.
The op of this thread should take notes.

The detail in it. 🙌🏻

Is 'Cunt Mums' out on Netflix yet? Who will play OP I wonder?

What? How is it harder for us?

I am a young grandmother myself and I have little interest in being tied to a regular childcare commitment. I do what I can to help on my terms, I adore hanging out with them, I'd always move heaven and earth in an emergency but I don't want a regular slot. I've got my own life to live too. It is absolutely no reflection on how I feel about them. I adore them. Just a different perspective maybe

You need to explain why its so much harder these days than it was for our parents? I'm a grandmother and I had to juggle baby and work when mine were little, and nobody helped me, but then I didn't expect them to.

Absolutely this, and many of the other posts are also in tune with the same sentiment. You might find that when the baby is born, your mum will help willingly and generously, but to tie yourself down to a planned expectation, when you have already "done your time" as a Mum is unacceptable. She does have a life of her own, and is entitled to it. She has provided you with her boundaries, and that is fair - and of course she can be happy and delighted and I hope you will both enjoy that as the time gets nearer.

This.

i had my dd at 23 as a single parent. I never expected my DM to provide child care. It’s not her job. I had to find a job where I could afford child care fees.

Unfortunately the one thing you can’t do as a parent is assume something .
you can’t even assume you’ll return to work after the baby’s born. What if they have extra needs or you’re not well.
You can’t expect your mum to change her lifestyle to help you. It may only be for a couple of hours a day but that still dictates her whole daily schedule.
I returned to work when mine started the 15 free hours at 2yrs 9 months.
i couldn’t have done it before then because I had no family help and there’s no way I would put a baby in a crèche.

I have no intention of looking after a gc regularly. Ad hoc and emergency babysitting, no problem. But having done the hard child rearing days, I’m not prepared to go through that again. One, I’m older and have less energy, two, I just don’t want to. Having experienced not being tied down anymore, I just don’t want to lose that freedom.

My mum lives 200 miles away. Two of my sisters still live in my hometown and yes, they made assumptions that my mum would provide childcare. Now, my mum did not help herself in this situation at all and allowed it to happen but she admitted to me that my children feel like her grandchildren - but my sisters' younger children don't feel that way to her. She hasn't admitted it but I think she actually resents a lot of the time she has lost. Her and my dad really disagreed about it actually - he said that he thought they'd raised their kids and was expecting to enjoy some freedom, not be tied down to more children, albeit their grandchildren.

My nephew is autistic so it was actually a really big assumption that they would look after him everyday.

4 Days is an awful lot. And with those hours it completely ties her down and makes organising any activity or day out or even lunch with a friend hard to arrange. You may find she is willing to help out 1 or 2 days if she knows she isn’t expected to cover all of your shortfall. It was, in the nicest possible way, self absorbed to expect she would jump at the opportunity to do this.

Good for your mum. I became a grandparent at 41 and I was thrilled. I adore my grandson but there’s no way I’d do regular childcare. I’ve had my children and I chose not to have anymore as it’s bloody hard work. It hasn’t been long,or certainly doesn’t seem it, since I did the baby and child thing and now I have my own time. I don’t work either,not that it matters as it’s my time and I’ll choose what I do with it. You’ve made the decision to have a baby so get on with it. Get your partner to work more than four days a week and then you can book a nursery place

What an entitled OP. I feel sorry for your mum as her refusal (damn right) to be responsible for her adult daughter’s choices will probably show in resentment to her.

Every month you’re paying the £1k a month you’ll be thinking you shouldn’t have to pay it because your mum is sitting at home doing nothing and she should be your free childcare! You obviously have that mindset now.

I have raised 4 DC, had oldest at 24, then twins (very unexpectedly) which meant I couldn’t afford to work at all as childcare for the two of them alone was £1600, that was 20 years ago. Never did I think that my mother had an obligation to provide childcare because she didn’t work! The most help we ever had was a 10 day holiday that we left the twins with her for and a week one summer in 2008 that she asked to have them for. Two instances in 25 years which was a bit shit but still they were our DC not hers although I would do better for my own DC.

I’m the same age as your mum. My oldest is 25 and may have DC in the next few years and I will be happy to have grandchildren for a weekend a month (on a rota though depending how many of my DC have them!), once a year or so if they want a child free holiday and for the odd emergency or illness but no way would I commit to having them for several days a week even if I wasn’t working. I have my own life to live, done enough of raising DC.

It sounds like you are juggling a lot OP, but, why should you mother look after your baby? She doesn’t want her entire day disrupted by a few hours of childcare, her kids are grown up and she wants her own life. Apart from this, at 50, you are more than half way through your life, your remaining healthy years are precious.

You chose to have a baby at a life stage where you aren’t set up for it. You didn’t have to do that.

Find some way to fork out childcare if you can, it’s important to get your career going if possible.

I don’t know anyone who chose to have children so young, so assumed, like the OP, that it mustn’t have been planned. Did you not want to get established in your career first? It’s very young to be married and a parent.

What a nasty, judgemental post @FemmeNatal