AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

[Essexgurlx]

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

Sounds like two people are very resentful that they can’t afford for one of them to be a SAHM and are projecting their bad feelings about themselves onto someone who’s not responsible for solving their problems.

Just here for the deletion message to be honest.

What a shit show. Fair play to the grandma, she's got her own life to live and the original post says she will have baby now and then.

I'm a very young grandma and I do help regularly but I also work full time and have my own life now my DC are grown. My choice to babysit and I'm happy to do so, but I'm bloody nackered when my little DGC goes home. No way could I or would I offer multiple days child care a week.

Id rather buy the food for them then do the childcare. Babies are very tedious and a bit like farts you can only stand your own.

my own mother was going to look after the baby two days a week, she actually asked to do that so I booked Nursery for the other three. of course after a matter of a few weeks she forgot that she had things to do on the two days that she was meant to be looking after my baby. That’s far worse than being upfront from the beginning.

Your mum has already brought up two kids. Maybe she is happy to offer occasional babysitting but that is very different from being tied down every day with childcare. Your baby, you and your partner's responsibility.

@PaddingtonBearStareAgain why thank you and may I say you’ve exhibited some top drawer toxic mumcuntery yourself on this thread

I think she is being selfish. It's so much harder these days to bring up children than it was for our parents. You would think she would want to help - I would if it were my daughter, no doubt about it.

Hahahahahahahaha it never takes long for misogynistic men to show their true colours, does it!

i pitty the child, if it actually exists.

Babies are very tedious and a bit like farts you can only stand your own

I think this might have to be the Cunt Mums © slogan.

🤔

if it’s only 2-3 hours a day would you consider a nanny? I know it sounds like an extravagance but it would actually work out less than having to pay a nursery/childminder for longer hours. Or perhaps see if anyone you know would consider a nanny share? I know people who’ve done this before successfully.

Finally, it sounds like you had a good relationship in general with your mum. Why not have a proper chat about it? I do think grandparents worry they will be saddled with all the childcare so she may just be ‘getting in early’ that she’s not willing to do it all. Perhaps ask if she might just do one day? And considering it wouldn’t even need to be a full day she might be open to it.

Why is it harder to bring up children these days? Surely children are children.

Congratulations. Thing is you've not even had this baby yet, so you have no idea how much hard work it will be. Your mum already knows how stressful and tied down, a baby makes you feel. She's already reared her kids, this is your baby. You are asking for too much from your mum she only wants to occasionally babysit, for the odd night out. Pay for a childminder and don't feel resentful towards your mum.

I love my granddaughter to bits but the last thing i want to do i be lumbered with a baby to look after multiple times a week! Ive raised my children I don't want to do it again.

She has said she wants to help, now and then.

What the OP wants is several hours of care every weekday, hours which cut across the day, meaning she can't have a weekday to herself. Ever.

Personally I would be handing you your bag and coat at the door and pushing you out! I would love to look after my children's children, particularly if it wasn't for long days. As usual on here though you are monster for even thinking about it!

I think there is a difference between being emergency childcare for example and being tied committed to specific days/times.
Since she didn't offer, and you just expected unfortunately you need to find nursery/childminder/flexible working request.

My parents were clear that they would not be regular childcare, as they wanted to have freedom in their retirement and have weekends away etc. I can perfectly understand this & they are fantastic at holiday care and their homeschool was epic!

Look at tax-free childcare/childcare vouchers to reduce the bill a bit and remember the first 2 years of nursery are the worst cost wise.

As usual on here though you are monster for even thinking about it!

no, you are a monster for expecting it which is entirely different.

You missed the BlueShoesKate user name I think around page 3 responding to a poster asking why the grandfather doesn't watch the kids. OP can't jeep up with all her multiple personalities tonight. The thread has turned into a car crash but it keeps on giving so I'm here for the deletion when MN spoil everyone's fun.

My goodness, you are unbelievably entitled!
A grandchild is a wonderful thing which your mum was totally reasonable to celebrate but a completely different responsibility level to that of a parent.
To be clear YOU ARE BEING UTTERLY UNREASONABLE!
Your child, your responsibility. I hope that helps.

TBF the OP and her BF have changed it from 4 days in the original post, to 2 days in his Mr Ranty McRant post, so if we stay around long enough there may be another 50% decrease and it only be a day a week.

Problem sorted!

Think llg is you say the overlap is 2-4 so it's only two hours but it isn't, presumably you need to drop DD off and then drive to work, so it now becomes "be home by 1" and then the same at the other end. Sorry MIL, stuck in traffic, be there for 5... So she hasn't ventured far to be home on time for you and she's stuck in until DH gets to her.

You could approach her and offer to pay he. Say you've priced up full time child care and wanted to know if she'd agree to one day if you paid her half the cost

It is a bit odd that she wouldn't even do say one afternoon a week since she isn't working, if I lived close to my parents I think they would help me a bit, and it would give her a chance to bond with dgc on her own . But I wouldn't have ever expected every afternoon , that is too much of a tie and means she wouldn't have ever been able to plan full days out during the week. She probably has some hobbies/ friends to keep up with and wouldn't want to sacrifice that. Small children are very tiring so every day even just the afternoon would be a lot to take on.

I think you just have to accept this, it's her decision , and organise some childcare. A childminder or a nanny might be a better option as you will probably have to pay for an entire half day with a nursery, even just for two hours.

oh im so torn on this one!
im an orphan, lost both my parents by the time I turned 11. I have two children and with no extra help from a mother figure I have struggled but six years in I’m doing alright. I’m a stay at home mum and it’s hard work!!! (My husband works full Time to support is) I’ve worked in senior positions, worked my way up from the age of 16 yet being a sahm has truly tested me so part of me thinks yeah yeah she’s done her stint why should she take on another child but the other half, maybe slightly more than half would love to support my daughter in this position, I always think if my mum was still here she’s have helped out so much! And I’d like to do that for my daughter despite the effort and mind numbing repetition of it all (love my children but I’m being honest 😂)
in conclusion I’m inclined to agree with you, maybe speak to her about it and maybe set up half a week with her half in nursery? For those few hours? I assume she wants the best for you but equally feels done with that phase of her life. Maybe 50/50 would be a good compromise with a review after a year or so, that way she’s not signing up for eternity kind of thing and it gives you a chance to climb the career ladder and earn more.
i don’t think joes unreasonable but Neither is she, there must be a way forward that’s beneficial for both of you x wishing you the best of luck my dear x

A similar thing happened to my sister although she was a single mum. My sister would get jobs in childcare settings so she could bring her daughter until she was old enough for school and then my sister worked her way up in her degree profession. My sister has been amazing - she started off with childcare support but worked hard and came off that putting her daughter through private school and buying a house.

Gosh, it's almost like women have got a taste for having a life of their own. Bet you don't include grandfathers in that grandparents reference, do you? They're always off the hook.