AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

[Essexgurlx]

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

Well yes I do think so very unreasonable - if she has been doing what she wants for 30 years what the heck did you think would happen? I’m a single parent and have a full time career. My parents don’t even buy them a birthday card. 😂

😂

I loved how quickly it escalated from Lego. Almost like there was more than one bored teenager fighting over the keyboard.

Eminently sensible. For all we know, @Youarehorrid is a witch and not a troll, and has in fact cursed us all.

@FemmeNatal don’t question my life like you know me from anywhere. The fucking cheek about mistakes too? People have the ability to have kids young or did you not know that?

If you read the full thread you would have seen the comments from the OPs partner. Don’t quote me again

His language was so vitriol though!

his behaviour was disquieting to be honest.

scary how he talks and he’s about to be a father

on top of that her behaviour too

surely they don’t want such a horrid mother and mother in law to look after their precious baby

poor child.

This

It's pretty shit of your mum tbh. She's well within her rights, but I can't imagine not helping such a young daughter.

Teenager might be going a bit far

very bored 10 yr old. Seeing as he used Lego as a reference!!!

You are being ridiculous it's your baby not your mums. Sort out a nursery.

To you nasty, horrid, people! How DARE you not agree with MEEEEEE

Yes, it was going to be up to four days a week, so I’m not sure why you are saying it was only two.

I don’t know anyone who chose to have children so young, so assumed, like the OP, that it mustn’t have been planned. Did you not want to get established in your career first? It’s very young to be married and a parent.

Best thread for a very long time.
I now want a Cunt Mum badge. I had an Atrocious Cunt one once! A poor poster dropped her under a train to the West Country on the way home and wrote a fab post about. I am so close to being a grandma I might remember her name by tomorrow. Yikes - I've been struggling with it since about page 7. It was KungFuPanda. Is KungFuPanda still about.

Those were the days, when we all had little dc.

Ah, we’re going to get sporadic posts of support for them aren’t we, from posters who have not yet undergone ‘initiation’ into Cunt Mums © (hint: it involves walking across a bed of freshly sharpened Lego).

Selfish is having a baby and expecting someone else to do the childcare.

In your shoes I would be booking the nursery place.

You can just expect someone else to give up their life to care for your baby because you didnt plan properly.

I can't imagine being that young and deciding to have a child without factoring in the cost of childcare. It's not up to the grandmother to facilitate the life her adult daughter has chosen.

I cant understand it. I'm 60 and would definitely help out if my DS and DiL had a baby. I had a baby at 20 and my sahm mother refused to do any childcare so I had to go without food to pay for childcare.
There is nothing I'd like better than a grandchild to care for. I just don't understand some people.

I meant before the partner came on and said she had been crying on her bed for hours, before he started being really offensive.
So, she had clearly completely over reacted at the first page or so of telling her She was BU, and entitled, and of course he Mum shouldn't be expected to sort out her childcare........but nobody had done that offensively.

I’m still stalking for the deletion message but secretly hoping it gets moved to classics.

The problem is its not 2 hours because you have to get to and from work. Also Its right in the middle of the day so takes up the whole day and if she has other future grandchildren she wouldn't be able to say no to looking after them. It's not that she doesn't want to look after your child its that she doesn't want her life restricting

@Shehasadiamondinthesky but I think you are the posterbwhonis lovely enough, and presumavly has lovely children/dil to make you want to do it, who is sharing a property with your young people to make life work.

I don't want to look after grandchildren except as a treat/favour. I love my dc very much but my heavy duty childcare days are over. I have told both DC I will pay for one day of childcare each and hp in emergencies. I didn't have the latter.

Every day? You would tie yourself to every day? I suppose it's easy to say you would. My inlaws said "Oh yes, we'll have little one every Wednesday". Great, I thought. After two weeks it was "Now we can't have her next week as we're out that day." I had to tell them nurseries don't work like that, I can't just book her in for an extra day here and there. Their childcare Wednesdays were very shortlived.

I should have been asleep an hour ago

on the plus side I’ve got a shiny new username out of it

please be here in the morning thread

Nice new name

This.

It also sounds like your mum is not long out of parenting teenagers if your sibling is at university. She is maybe just rediscovering her freedom and it would be quite a thought to relinquish that.