AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

[Essexgurlx]

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

I mean this kindly but I think you were a bit presumptuous. I’m in my late fifties and would be horrified if my newly graduated daughter told me she was pregnant and expected me to hold the baby while she went to work! Would be happy to babysit occasionally but not regular days. I work part time and wanting to start winding down and relaxing a bit not having responsibility for a baby every day. Same reason I won’t get a dog-too much of a tie at this stage in life much as I like them.

I am thinking we should nominate this for classics 😜

I understand you're disappointed and hoped your mom would help you out but she doesn't want to, it's hard work especially as your child gets older and more mobile. That option off the table, because it is, you need to consider other options so that you're not unprepared when baby is here. Please don't push this further with your dm, you don't want to damage your relationship over this, she doesn't owe you anything for a decision you made

I’m only 23 and just had my second baby so I don’t need to worry about doing childcare for anyone just yet😂

I’ve seen the posts from OPs DP and I understand the frustration. Especially regarding OPs mum doing public things to show she’s happy for the arrival of her grandchild but can’t even help out a couple of times a week. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to feel let down by that

My advice to you @Essexgurlx is to take some time to think about the home /life you want your little one to grow up in.
Your partner clearly has anger issues.
Not an environment for any child to grow up in.

Feasibly your Mum has seen that ?

I guess perhaps a 21 year old is a semi-child themselves. Perhaps the BF is too. If this thread made OP take to her bed and cry and BF to post his big rant, well I guess they are like over grown children. I can see being a young parent is scary in lots of ways. Becoming a parent is scary at all stages. But it’s the time to take responsibility and be the grown up. You have to accept the restrictions and costs and burdens it brings rather than trying to share them with those who aren’t the parents or expecting others to take them on, when it’s your child and your choice.
No doubt your Mum will be involved OP. I’m sure she will I’ve her GC and you too. But this is your call and your project and you have to do it and let your Mum take the role she wants to. It’s time to recognise the truth of what so many posters on here say. It might be a disappointment to you, because it’s not what you thought your Mum would say or want. But reflect and soot that this was your error or judgement and assumption and it’s not an eeeor on the part of your Mum but her legitimate choice. Then get out bed, stop crying and start thinking about your plans and look forward to your baby.
Or are you going to take to your bed when it’s difficult with the baby and decide the world is against you? Your baby needs you to be a grown up and do the parenting. You’ve got time now to start being more grown up and take responsibility.

@WombatChocolate has made some excellent posts here.
Nobody on this thread said anything nasty to you OP.
Your baby will need to to start acting like an adult now - taking responsibility not only for yourself and your decisions, but also for making good choices for your child.

😂

Surely you should have thought about the massive cost of childcare BEFORE continuing with a pregnancy.
It is one of the main reason people “ Hold off” and until they can earn enough to pay for good care.
Why should your mum be a free minder?
That’s very entitled unless she specifically agreed to do it up front.

Your mum has been entirely reasonable. She’s said she’ll look after your baby from time to time, this is completely normal. It’s also great that she’s been clear about what she can and cannot offer so there’s no misunderstanding. Being a loving, caring and involved grandparent absolutely does not have to mean being a year-round childminder. Your baby, your responsibility.

So basically your mum raised you and your sister and has had about a year without both of you at home and you’d like her to babysit 4 days a week because she doesn’t work?😲
why don’t you just pay someone to babysit midday?

It’s a shame she doesn’t want to help but you aren’t going to need a full time nursery place are you, four afternoon sessions a week should cover it, surely?

Nobody on this thread said anything nasty to you OP.

I like your sentiment and faith @Kite22 and commend you for still trying to help them, but to be fair, I did just call them a pair of ungrateful dickheads.

My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.

So she knows what it's like to have a baby in your 20s. Her free time is her own. She may not want to be tied down again!! It's tiring!!

And, it's never 2 hours is it? (From experience)

Second baby at 23? Mistakes too?

Why are you saying it’s only two days a week? It isn’t?

Cunt Grandma represent here! I've done emergency childcare and occasional baby sitting - NEVER a commitment of hours 4/5 days per week. Fuck that.

I have enjoyed this thread.
I can completely understand why you are disapointed.
On the other hand isn't it great that women in this country don't feel tied to doing childcare forever?! Have to look at the upsides. A few posters have mentioned how their mothers in other cultures would but with family from a similar other "culture" there is also sexism and gender stereotypes that go along with it. I wouldn't want that for the world.

I am stunned that you expected your mum to take care of your baby on any sort of regular basis.

I am sorry to say that what you should do is start to grow up fast.

Not really an answer to your question but have a look into childminders, they may be able to offer shorter hours if that’s all you need. And also look into ‘tax free childcare’ which is a government scheme, where you don’t pay tax on your childcare, saving yourself 20%.

I think I’ll be just a little bit sad when this thread goes down.

Yes you are being unreasonable. Why should your Mum have to do it all over again? She did it with you. It's your turn now.

THIS HAS BEEN THE BEST FUCKING THEEAD THIS YEAR!!!!!!

must be moved to classics.

oh man. This had me laughing out loud for a good few hours. Prime reality internet this is!!! It’s like big brother. But on a more weirder scale

oh man!!

don’t leave @Youarehorrid youve given me more entertainment than ever!

Fucking hilarious!!!!!

im hoping this thread gets out somewhere where we can all read it for years to come!!!

Expecting someone to have YOUR kid “a few hours, a few days a week” is asking a lot, she has her own life too. How much were you offering to pay her for her time?

Is it wrong that I just asked DH to make sure all the legi that was played with earlier, has been put away.

lol, sucks to be you, bro. Plenty of us here made better life choices than to shit out a pile of kids with minimal thought. 😂

*lego

And the cunt mums unite

im going to get that on a t shirt!!!

and @cuntmum you came just in time!!! You name used in vain (gasp shock horror 🤩)