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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

621 replies

Essexgurlx · 21/06/2022 19:28

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
WombatChocolate · 21/06/2022 21:44

Am now starting to wonder if it’s a wind-up.

Great way to bait a forum of seasoned Mums.

georgarina · 21/06/2022 21:45

There are schemes for young parents in education, look these up and ask for support from your college

I also had a child when I was in education.

It's not your mum's responsibility, as you will see taking care of a baby is a huge mental and physical strain and it's asking a lot for her to give up her life and basically take up an extremely demanding unpaid job. I would see if your partner's family would be up for offering a day a week, but if not, look into all your options. It is stressful but ultimately it's her decision, if I were her I probably would have offered one day a week but multiple days is a LOT and it's her choice, not a given.

Good luck

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 21/06/2022 21:45

I guess perhaps a 21 year old is a semi-child themselves. Perhaps the BF is too

@WombatChocolate The DP has certainly made their feelings known in posts on here.

SoupDragon · 21/06/2022 21:45

CinnamonJellyBeans · 21/06/2022 21:39

@Sparklybutold Of course the mum doesn't have to do anything for her daughter, but why shouldn't she? Your daughter is your daughter for life.

And this child is it's parents child for life.

butterflied · 21/06/2022 21:46

I hope the mother sees what's being said about her. It should confirm she has made the right decision.

bbqhulahoop · 21/06/2022 21:46

Is this a reverse? Are you the mum?

billy1966 · 21/06/2022 21:46

Of course you can feel very disappointed but unfortunately it is a huge commitment you are looking for.

Having a mother who will do emergency care and the odd evening babysitting would make you very lucky by some people's standards.

I am in my 50's and l wouldn't dream of making a commitment like that.

Minding babies and toddlers is very hard work.

Sparklybutold · 21/06/2022 21:47

@Essexgurlx @Youarehorrid

I think you really need to have a talk with each other about your expectations regarding childcare. It has been said multiple time - your child, your responsibility. From your responses this is obviously not what you wanted to hear. I think some.time away and reflection on how dozens of replies stating the opposite of what you expected, could perhaps have a point?

converseandjeans · 21/06/2022 21:47

YABU to assume. Don't burn your bridges though as she might be prepared to do some school holiday cover, illness, babysit so you can go out etc..,

You could consider part time hours, use a childminder as it's cheaper,

Do you live with your parents or are you in house with your partner?

I think your partners parents could also help out.

You're expecting her to essentially work as nanny for free all week whether it be a full day or a few hours.

Can't your partner work different hours?

Youarehorrid · 21/06/2022 21:47

Essexgurlx · 21/06/2022 19:28

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

Fuck all of you cunts you haven't read the post fully her mum is a selfish cunt I know I've met her and you're all toxic bitches if she doesn't want to help then she shouldn't make the pregnancy about herself

User2145738790 · 21/06/2022 21:49

Youarehorrid · 21/06/2022 21:47

Fuck all of you cunts you haven't read the post fully her mum is a selfish cunt I know I've met her and you're all toxic bitches if she doesn't want to help then she shouldn't make the pregnancy about herself

Show quote history

Calm down dear

diddl · 21/06/2022 21:49

Fuck all of you cunts you haven't read the post fully her mum is a selfish cunt I know I've met her and you're all toxic bitches if she doesn't want to help then she shouldn't make the pregnancy about herself

😂😂😂

MolliciousIntent · 21/06/2022 21:49

@Youarehorrid why would you want a selfish cunt looking after your baby?

Pyewhacket · 21/06/2022 21:49

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 21/06/2022 21:20

I agree with you OP. I would probably go low contact with my mother in that situation.

Me too. In fact, I'd go zero contact.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 21/06/2022 21:50

I seriously hope the DM sees this, especially the partners views of her.

SoupDragon · 21/06/2022 21:50

Pyewhacket · 21/06/2022 21:49

Me too. In fact, I'd go zero contact.

Show quote history

I'd definitely go zero contact with my daughter's partner.

User2145738790 · 21/06/2022 21:51

My my this thread has lasted a while

diddl · 21/06/2022 21:51

MolliciousIntent · 21/06/2022 21:49

@Youarehorrid why would you want a selfish cunt looking after your baby?

It's hilarious isn't it?

This woman is supposedly so awful but they are practically begging for her to do childcare!

Herejustforthisone · 21/06/2022 21:51

Youarehorrid · 21/06/2022 21:47

Fuck all of you cunts you haven't read the post fully her mum is a selfish cunt I know I've met her and you're all toxic bitches if she doesn't want to help then she shouldn't make the pregnancy about herself

Show quote history

With your appalling grasp of grammar @Youarehorrid I daresay you’ll be gainfully unemployed soon enough and able to stay at home to look after your own rugrat. Won’t that be super and solve all your problems.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 21/06/2022 21:52

User2145738790 · 21/06/2022 21:51

My my this thread has lasted a while

Prehaps MNHQ are secretly hoping the DM sees it to solidifh her position.

Youarehorrid · 21/06/2022 21:52

Essexgurlx · 21/06/2022 19:28

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

I don't know why all off you think I care if you think I'm childish I'd rather be childish than toxic wankers that jump to attack someone

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 21/06/2022 21:53

You have so much growing up to do.
Having a shag and your partner getting to orgasm does not a good parent make.

Your mum clearly made some brilliant decisions when planning her children and finances. Bravo her, I bow to her brilliance.

It's such a pity you didn't follow in her footsteps.

You and your partner created this child. My children worship the ground their retired grandfather walk on. However fear mentioning his name as it will instantly set them off and they believe he Is coming to see them.

I have paid for childcare for everyone of them. Like your mum he has done the odd day out/ date night. But that whole notion of they won't be close without some servitude is BS

MolliciousIntent · 21/06/2022 21:54

@Youarehorrid can you please stop.quoting the OP each time you post? It's a scrolling nightmare.

Herejustforthisone · 21/06/2022 21:54

I don't know why all off you think I care if you think I'm childish I'd rather be childish than toxic wankers that jump to attack someone

Mate, you literally just called us all ‘cunt mums’.

Beelezebub · 21/06/2022 21:54

Jesus wept, what a shitshow.
Never any wonder OP’s mother isn’t getting embroiled in any kind of regular childcare arrangement, is it?