AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

[Essexgurlx]

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

Well if the DM sees what OPs partner has said about her, I doubt her position will change.

@Youarehorrid you are acting like an toddler. Surely you want to console your crying partner rather than ranting at randoms on t’internet?

2 days. A week. At least until the child is at school (and even then I'm assuming they'd expect holiday cover). It's not just 2 days is it?

Fwiw - I am a sahm and my daughter is in nursery one day a week as I study part time. I often see grandparents out and our conversations frequently involves how tired they feel owing to their childcare duties.

I hope all of the horrible mums on this shit app stand on your kids Lego tonight.

@CinnamonJellyBeans but why should she? Her youthfulness and free time is for her to enjoy as she wants to. If she wanted to look after her grabdkid then that should come from her. I feel the mum jas stated her boundaries and she is perfectly entitled to this. She has already raised her own family, why should she be expected to do it again?

I can understand your disappointment given your mum has free time and is so excited about the baby. Especially given it’s only a couple of hours. That said when your kids get to 18 you’ve been restricted by kids / school runs etc for so long that you do want that bit of freedom. Can you speak to her and ask if she could commit to one day per week? That’s something at least

It's not 2 days a week but the 4 days when the father will be at work too and it's not 2-4pm as the OP thinks, as she didn't factor in travel to/from work time. It could end up being 3-4hrs a day, 4 times a week.

Same here.

I worked damned hard being a parent when my dc were small. I am not going to start doing that all over again when I am a Grandparent, I am going to really enjoy being a grandparent..... having fun with the dc, treating them, and helping my dc out on an adhoc basis with some babysitting. It is a COMPLETELY different role from being a childminder.

*I hope all of the horrible mums on this shit app stand on your kids Lego tonight.

How about you grow up.

Dick head mums I hope your kids wake you up every hour tonight.

Hello, I'm this mothers partner and she's been in bed crying for the last few hours because of you fucking wankers it's for 2 days a week and her spoiled mum who does fuck all says she won't help. LISTEN WHEN I SAY THIS YOU ARE ALL HORRIBLE PEOPLE AND SHOULDN'T HAVE CHILDREN OF YOUR OWN IF THATS HOW YOU THINK AND ACT!

If that's what you think of your partner's mum-why would you want her to look after your baby?

Ah give over now and stop being silly

Sorry OP, but you need a reality check. You’re an independent adult now, your mum doesn’t have any responsibilities for you or baby.

I remember being the same age as you and it was a harsh realisation when my Mum was suddenly not ‘there’ anymore. So, I sympathise, but YABU and you’ll get used to it. You’re not being hard done by.

Nowhere has OP said that it's for two days a week. She said multiple days for a couple of hours each time.

This thread is a laugh a minute.

If either of you is real, @Essexgurlx @Youarehorrid , you are being monstrously unreasonable in every possibly way.

@MigsandTiggs If you RTFT Youarehorrid is the father and has quite a lot to say

Maybe your mum loves the idea of a grandchild and being able to be a grandparent but not the idea of providing regular childcare which would tie her down for the next 4 years of her life- and even after that what about school pick ups and drop off etc? it’s a lot to commit to on a regular basis and I don’t blame her for saying she doesn’t mind helping out occasionally but can’t provide regular childcare

How does that thing on TikTok go?

"Here comes the consequences of my actions chasing me right now."

I'm with your Mum I'm afraid. Time to grow up and take on your responsibilities. Every parent in the country faces the same issue. Good luck.

It would be unreasonable if your mother had offered and then withdrawn, or made some strange conditions. I would ask your mother to stop posting about her grandchild on social media (indeed would ask this even if the support was different).

@Sparklybutold Of course the mum doesn't have to do anything for her daughter, but why shouldn't she? Your daughter is your daughter for life.

I hope all of the horrible mums on this shit app stand on your kids Lego tonight.

😂😂😂

Grandparents differ. They don’t all love the baby stage and thrill at the thought of the hard graft. They’ve done their time with that stuff.

They can love being grandparents without wanting to be parents again. Being a GP is about the fun bits and about being able to walk away without long term and regular commitments. Many are thrilled to have grandchildren and love seeing them on grandparent terms. And they love it when they go home with their parents who then deal with the napping and food struggles and day to day graft. They love being grandparents but are done with the parenting of small children part.

I guess perhaps a 21 year old is a semi-child themselves. Perhaps the BF is too. If this thread made OP take to her bed and cry and BF to post his big rant, well I guess they are like over grown children. I can see being a young parent is scary in lots of ways. Becoming a parent is scary at all stages. But it’s the time to take responsibility and be the grown up. You have to accept the restrictions and costs and burdens it brings rather than trying to share them with those who aren’t the parents or expecting others to take them on, when it’s your child and your choice.

No doubt your Mum will be involved OP. I’m sure she will I’ve her GC and you too. But this is your call and your project and you have to do it and let your Mum take the role she wants to. It’s time to recognise the truth of what so many posters on here say. It might be a disappointment to you, because it’s not what you thought your Mum would say or want. But reflect and soot that this was your error or judgement and assumption and it’s not an eeeor on the part of your Mum but her legitimate choice. Then get out bed, stop crying and start thinking about your plans and look forward to your baby.

Or are you going to take to your bed when it’s difficult with the baby and decide the world is against you? Your baby needs you to be a grown up and do the parenting. You’ve got time now to start being more grown up and take responsibility.

another one waiting for the deletion message. My guess is "we're taking a look behind the scenes" but it could be "previously banned poster"

Dick head mums I hope your kids wake you up every hour tonight.

🙃