AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

[Essexgurlx]

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

Hello, I'm this mothers partner and she's been in bed crying for the last few hours because of you fucking wankers it's for 2 days a week and her spoiled mum who does fuck all says she won't help. LISTEN WHEN I SAY THIS YOU ARE ALL HORRIBLE PEOPLE AND SHOULDN'T HAVE CHILDREN OF YOUR OWN IF THATS HOW YOU THINK AND ACT!

😂😂

But she chose to have a child knowing full well that child might have their own child one day. She should have factored that in when she made her own decision about wanting a family

When we were young, this situation of grandparents bringing up their grandchildren was a phenomenon that happened in China and was much commented on in the West. In fact my generation emigrated to the other side of the world, so there was absolutely no reason for us to believe that we were signing up to a life-time of child-minding.

As for the young parents claiming how much they can't wait to look after their grandchildren, us older people do not have the same energy as you do, nor the same soothing power as one has for one's own child.

I'm with your Mum, why on earth would she want to be tied down with a baby?

You're just going to have to do what hundreds of other parents do and pay for childcare.

OP, there have been a lot of negative comments on MN regarding your post, but if your mum was exited about your pregnancy, I can understand your disappointment. My former partner did not want my grandkids in HIS house ( it was shared ownership) as they were not HIS grandkids, that's why we split, after I LET HIM HAVE IT, as it was the second lockdown, the schools and nurseries were closed, so it was up to families to step up. 24 hours childcare once a fortnight was not much to ask in my view, but he was so selfish about it, good riddance to him. My family come first now. I hope your childcare is sorted after your maternity leave, best wishes for a healthy baby and easy birth.

op, 2-4 hours a week is a lot. Let's look at the middle. 3 hours would mean getting ready, psyching herself up for 30 mins to an hour including being there before you leave and after you arrive for updates and handovers. By time she gets home, she needs to rest. So that's easily 4-5 hours a day. Not much else to do. plus it can be a minefield. Many grandparents are expected to be childminders then given a million dos and don'ts which is very stressful. Also you don't know what her experience of looking after you and your sister was. it might have been so taxing she doesn't want to face something similar again whether she tells you or not. Whatever her reasons, she is not obliged to be what is effectively primary carer for your child. and if she accepts now, you will expect similar for no 2. As will your sister. Before she knows it she's stuck caring for grand children well into her 70s/80s. You may say you are not planning a second one or your sister isn't planning one but then again you weren't planning this one either
Am sorry you are in this situation but it's really not her fault or responsibility. it's the complete lack of policies to support for parents in this country

Ok so this one is I think a wind up. No one could be this entitled. Thread shortly to be deleted.

LISTEN WHEN I SAY THIS

I can’t hear you over the sonorous joy of not having any regular childcare commitments.

I agree with you OP. I would probably go low contact with my mother in that situation.

I really dont understand why everyone thinks mother is being fair. I must be from different world! Of course you have a reason OP to feel not supported and pissed off!
i am not british and wasnt raised here…where i am from it is normal for grandparents to take care of grandchildren. If it is only possible dur to work etc… my mom was planning to retire early and come to uk to stay with our ds until we are qualified for 30free hrs of childcare. Things have changed and she was not able to do that unfortunately. I envy all of my friends from my country who have parents close by and free childcare and help when needed!
i dont get why is it so rude to expect help? Specially when she has a time, at least 3 days a week maybe and 2 days childcare. Young couples always struggle, childcare, work, mortgages, rents, saving for deposit etc etc. is it so cruel to help own kids and grandkids? Usually grandparents dont have even half of those struggles by the time they become grandparents.

Weird world in my opinion…

So many people jump on these threads saying you're entitled, you shouldn't have assumed it, etc etc etc. BUT I think it's fair enough to feel disappointed- I know I do in similar circumstances. On another note a childminder might be a good option for you- some follow shift patterns, generally cheaper than nurseries. Good luck.

Can I just add as well this is the most toxic place why would an app for mothers be so sick and horrible and some of you have the audacity to call me and my partner names you all need to look at yourselves.

It's what happens when you have a baby young you lose all freedom and become tided to that child. I speak as someone who had a baby at 21. You have a responsibility and you care for that child and support it not be so entitled to expect your mother to take on another mother role providing childcare.

My mother never ever had ever taken in childcare. I had to give up work and become a sahm. She also brought me up to look after a child when I had one. So with that in mind I made sure to have a full career. I travelled the world. I fulfilled my life making sure we could fully afford for me to give up work.

some people don’t even have parents to look on for

you made an assumption but at the end of the day it’s your child.

This escalated quickly

In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.

My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that.

So, if you don’t need full-time care, it won’t cost £1000 a month.

You have just called the person you wanted to look after your baby some horrible things, along with other posters.

👀

Yup, first reply pretty much sums it up.

As for the partner coming on to shout at us all.....

@Youarehorrid@Essexgurlx are you even listening to what you're being told or are you just having a tanty about it?

You didn't even ask if she would be your free childcare! You just assumed it! That's frankly moronic and I don't care if it hurts your feelings, you're about to be parents and you need a proper reality check

I can't close this page now because I want to see what the deletion message will be.

And this is why so many women don't work.

@Essexgurlx

Are you a doctor? Honestly - the level of entitlement in your post is shocking. Your child, your responsibility. Your mum owes you nothing.

I think that while your mum is not obliged, she is being stingy by not offering to help out maybe two days a week, especially as she is young, fit and not working. A nicer mum would help you more.

Because they're too stupid to actually ask the person they're expecting free childcare from if they're willing to give up multiple days a week to babysit?! You sure?

For a couple of hours here and there you’d think she’d want to look after her first grandchild. My mother helped a lot with all of mine whilst I was working and fidvyests of school runs. I’m 55 now and retired at 50 so loads of free time CAN NOT WAIT to look after my grandchild if and when it arrives! In fact if you’re near St Albans I’ll help with yours for practice! 🤣