Ex partner wants our son 4 days of the week!

[Kimberleysmith]

My ex partner and I have separated.

To cut a very long story short, all of my family live in the Midlands and I've been living with my partner up North for 8 years. I am wanting to move back for obvious reasons; emotional support, and to be closer to my family who can help me with my almost 1 year old.

My ex partner is not happy at me wanting to move back, but what is more frustrating is, he works shifts - so four days on and then four days off, he is adamant he is entitled to have our son on his four days off?!

It doesn't matter how many times I've tried to explain this cannot happen, he will not agree to anything else. We are heading for mediation, but I'd like to know in other Mum's experience, what could be a suitable arrangement here? Would I be accommodating if I suggested two days with an over night stay?

Thank you in advance 

50/50 isn't the issue, it's the 4 days on 4 days off that's the issue. He effectively wants 50% of the time but to leave the OP with 100% of the responsibility and childcare costs.

I hear you op, I don’t think the distance you want to move is unrealistic in terms of the child maintaining a relationship with the dad and you seem supportive of facilitating access but why should you plan yourself fully around your ex. How would the op be expected to find regular child care or work to suit that arrangement. Dad seems to be offering no compromise here albeit that he’s keen to be involved so much it’s on his terms. I think regular set days is in the best interest of the child so they know whether the are coming or going.

@betterwithage

Why are most posters attacking this mother. She requested assistance, not to be attacked.

I don't think OP is necessarily being attacked. It's just that people are pointing out that her ex has a right to be in his son's life too?

I don't think OP would be happy if her ex said he was moving 90 mins away and taking their child with him. People are just pointing out that she seems to think that's OK for her to do though and he is wrong for trying to stop it.

From my POV, my DP's kids live well over 90 mins away and I absolutely disagree that you can't have a meaningful relationship due to distance. He calls them every day, has them EOW and in the holidays- they are very close. HOWEVER, there was never any question of him having them 50/50 or even close as he couldn't have done it with his work...he agreed when his ex wantee to move away and they make it work between them, meeting halfway for handover and drop off. But it works because they both agreed the move was best for the kids.

It's just frustrating that so many people's attitudes are that mum owns the children and dad takes what he can get and has to fit in around whatever she decides.

I completely get why OP wants to move - I would want to too - but I think it needs to be approached in a different manner and discussed more calmly as to how it could work for the dad.

For example, could it be agreed that OP does move but dad gets to have the child on his 4 days off until they start school and then revisit the contact arrangements when that time comes ? Let's face it, if he's working nights then he will struggle to keep up those 4 days anyway.

I just think it's not as simple as "I'm his mum, this is what I want and my ex is being unfair to try and stop me". Particularly when a shift pattern means it can't be as simple as dad gets the child every other weekend, or even every weekend.

It sounds like OP's preference would be she has her child at least 5 days out of every 7, and even that is just if she's happy for dad to have every single weekend. How is that more fair than her ex wanting 4 days?

Ps I don't actually think the distance of the move should be an issue, especially with a child so young that no patterns have been established yet, but it's just the approach that needs to change.

There has to be some give on both sides, it can't just be either OP moves or ex has 4 days a week.

You disagree with what he has proposed.

What are you proposing that allows him to be an equal parent and to have a strong connected relationship with his son?

@Midlifemusings

You disagree with what he has proposed.

What are you proposing that allows him to be an equal parent and to have a strong connected relationship with his son?

50/50 isn't the issue, it's the 4 days on 4 days off that's the issue. He effectively wants 50% of the time but to leave the OP with 100% of the responsibility and childcare costs.

As @FatCatThinCat said. Its not the 50/50 so much as the fact that all of his time with DS is "free" time and hers isnt.Why should she bear the financial burden of this? At the very least he should stump up half the childcare costs to facilitate his desired time. And then you have the fact that the OP will have weekends off work that she cant spend with her child as he is with her ex, and during those same weeks she will be working during "her" time with him.

Tell me how on earth you think that that is allowing HER to be an equal parent and have a strong connected relationship with her son? Works both ways....

All I asked was what was she proposing - I have no idea why you made up a whole narrative in your head.

What is she proposing as an alternative that she feels would allow both of them to be equal parents and for both of them to have a strong, connected bond with the child.

It wasnt a narrative in my head! The facts are as they are. She works (or has implied that she will be working post ML) and so does he, and as it stands the only person getting guaranteed days off work and with the child is him. Your post implied that this is her problem to solve, that she is the problem here.

You didnt ask what she is proposing that would allow them BOTH a meaningful relationship, you just mentioned him as if his is the only one that matters.

@PyongyangKipperbang

He made a proposal - she doesn't like it. What is she proposing then?

I don't get why that is an impossible question for you to understand. I said nothing about 99% of your response - you just made a bunch of assumptions and jumped to biased conclusions and wrote a post about nothing related.

Her proposal will I assume take into account the same things that are important to her - to not have her child only on days she is working and to be an equal parent so what does she propose to make that happen. I guess I thought it would be common sense that she would propose something that worked for her given her whole post is about not wanting the current proposal because it doesn't work for her.

And if you read the thread a lot of posters, me included, have suggested that they go to mediation in order to sort this out rather than back and forth "I want.....I dont want you to...." which is probably what will happen.

My objection is to your implication that its only his strong relationship that she should facilitate by only mentioning that and not both parents relationship with DS.

I can’t see how 50/50 can genuinely be in the child’s best interests. Shipped around all the time? Kids need stability and routine and a home. Different if they have a fixed home and 50/50 takes place there. But didn’t anyone ever read The Suitcase Kid?

My friends separated for a while (and ultimately got back together). 50/50 was very damaging to their son who was 3 at the time. He’s now 7 and apparently still has anxiety over where he’s going after school etc.

OP - I live two hours from my family (in my husbands home town) and would dearly love to move back if my marriage broke down. So I am not unsympathetic to your feelings here. It’s a shitty situation. But deep down I know that the best thing to do for my girls would be to keep them near their dad. Who, by the way, would very much want to be an equal parent because he adores them and they are the most important things in his life. Not because he would want to control me.

Just my experience.

I can see the 4 on 4 off doesn’t work for you but I would highly recommend finding a way that 50/50 care does work for you both as it really works for children.

My eldest are now 17 and 16 and they had 50/50 with their dad from the age of 2 and 1 when we split and it worked brilliantly and they still have really good relationships with both.

It did mean staying live close by to my ex once they started school which I found hard sometimes but I also knew it was for the best and for the benefit of the children.

You say you want to me closer to your family but in doing so you are taking your baby’s family further away and putting it onto them instead. They will feel how you now feel being away from family.

Once my children started high school / college I finally moved house as they went to a school in the middle of the 2 of us so it wasn’t too far from either home and meant I had the freedom to move closer to family and friends.

You really have to consider what is best for your child and that is having both parents in their life as fully involved parents. Mediation is a good idea to try and find a solution that’s fair and workable for you both.

I don't think you have an automatic right to having him more because you want to take him away from everything he knows....... Why cant you have him friday to Sunday every other weekend and split the school holidays? 🤔

I would want a consistent schedule that lets you reasonably arrange child care and have at least half the weekends. Child care providers that will rotate days tend to be much more expensive. You have to think about once a child is in school, weekends become valuable. So I wouldn’t object to 50:50, but I would object to it being set by his work schedule.

As for moving, it’s completely impractical. How is your child going to get to school each day when splitting time between two households?

Sorry you're going through this OP. I saw this happen to a family when I was at school. The children had two lives basically and were always exhausted. It is one of the main reasons we moved to be closer to family on both sides when I was pregnant so that if we ever split, we were already near practical support. Not very romantic I know!

His suggestion is not fair on you or your DS.

You need to be able to work, which will be much harder if you have to work around his shifts and you need quality time with DS. You are not his partner any more so you have no obligation to work hours that suit him.
Your DS would have more stability if he knew certain days of the week he was with mum and other days he was with dad.

Child care wise the best thing if you had consistency. So for exampleif you had DS Monday Tuesday and one weekend and your ex had ds Wednesday Thursday, the other weekend and you had alternate Fridays.

Then you would have consistent childcare costs each week. He would not but he has family support plus I assume gets paid an allowance or higher wage for the shift work. Women change jobs/hours at work all the time to work around their kids needs. Perhaps this is something he needs to consider. I’d certainly raise it at mediation.
Can you try and come up with some arrangement like that which would work?

Then you are prioritising ds and his needs.

The other issue I wonder about is how much day today care does your ex do at the moment?? Does he care for ds all day if he is not working? If not then perhaps you need to be the primary caregiver for a couple of years and agree to revisit once he is used to looking after DS EOW plus a day during the week.

I think you do need to come up with solutions that don’t involve you moving.

I also agree that perhaps he is trying to control you. If that is the case then maybe you should consider asking women’s aid for a solicitor recommendation. They have a list of solicitors who are experienced in dealing with abusive partners.

Good luck

Hi op not sure if you will read this - do you think he is trying to get out of paying maintenance? Is you share custody he doesn’t need to pay.

How is his parenting now? 50:50?

What is your ex going to do in case of change of employment? We are no longer living in 1950-ties where people used to have one job for life. These days people change their jobs about every 3 years, so arranging child custody based on parent’s shift patterns is not in child’s interest.

You can move wherever you want OP, its a free country and he cannot stop you.its unreasonable to expect you to stay in an area you don't want to be in. Its normal to want to be near family support.Can your ex not look for a job with easier working hours?I doubt many men would be willing to work around your hours if you worked 4/4 to be honest.

If you move away, however you will need probably need to meet your ex half way for his contact. Its not your fault he works the pattern he does. Seek legal advice if you are unsure of the best agreement.

As someone who has done this exact thing- it depends on the child. Our has no issue with it.

My God I’ve just read the full thread, feel sorry for OP - I know people are allowed different opinions but there’s a way to express an opinion within being nasty or attacking someone, poor woman has only come on here to ask for some genuine advise, it’s meant to be a support forum for mums. OP I would try and ignore all the nasty stuff as there have been some people who have offered some constructive advise. I agree with you it’s not fair your ex has him on his days off and then you have to fit in around him - how is that fair? You are also right to prioritise your mental well being - when you have got a little one having a good support network around you is really important, especially as a single mum, a happy mum is better for your child. Maybe If your ex wasn’t so abusive to you then you wouldn’t feel the need to have to move away x

But the dad is not thinking of the child but himself, he could ask work to change his shift pattern. I would move back to your family and then re think

I don't think asking to see his child 4 days out of 8 on his days off if you don't work is an unreasonable starting point. But there are then the practicalities to consider and I suspect you've both been trying to discuss arrangements when worked up, angry and both unwilling to compromise.

It sounds like you've tried living amicably under the same roof as co-parents, and that hasn't worked out, so you need somewhere to stay. How are you planning to fund this? If your only options are homeless or move in with your family 90 minutes away, it's a bit of a no-brainer.

Could moving in with your family be a temporary option until you find work in your ex's town that allow you to rent somewhere nearer to him? If it's just a temporary option, he might even be more willing to help you financially to avoid you moving away. Or, if he's unwilling to help you financially, perhaps he can accept you moving in the context of it not being a permanent move.

What sort of work did you do before getting pregnant? What sort of work do you intend to do now? If the answer is a normal Monday to Friday job, then you have two different sets of patterns, and if your ex's 4 days out of 8 always fall on his free days, then you're not always going to get your child on your free days, which isn't fair to you. There is going to have a a compromise where you both find things a little unfair.

I suspect your ex hasn't thought about what happens when you also have a working pattern. If you need to work to afford to live, then, then your likely shift pattern needs to be brought into the discussion too. After all, if he doesn't want to support you financially in the long-term, you need a solution that allows you both to work independently.

If 90 minutes for your ex to travel to see your kids isn't a big deal, then it surely isn't a big deal for your family to travel 90 minutes, especially when your family can potentially bunk with you rather than have to do a 3-hour round trip in one day.

I think you both need to calmly consider the facts and agree to discuss properly when you're both ready to think about how to make co-parenting work. Of course, if your relationship has broken down to the point where that kind of conversation just isn't possible, then mediation it is.

PS I'm sorry this is so hard. Although people are advocating a solution that gives more to your ex than you want, it's not because people are against you. It's just the sad inevitabilities of a relationship breakdown away from home.