I’m scared of paedophiles having access to my child when in childcare

[OrangeSprout]

Yes I know how insane this sounds...but I don’t want to hear about me being OTT or getting help for being irrational.
What are other mums doing about childcare who are thinking about this too?
I have a meeting with a childminder today, who looks great. Her husband is also a childminder and will be around in the day too. Registered and dbs checked and all the qualifications and experience, ticks all boxes and I think DS would thrive in her care, but how can I get reassurance? Or minimise risk with choosing Childcare?
Quitting work and being with DS 24/7 would obviously get rid of risk but then stifle his development and I need to work!
There’s no other easy answer, but would really appreciate other’s ideas or thoughts on being as practically safe as possible.

I use a nursery rather than a childminder, that way individual staff are unlikely to be alone with little ones.

if I felt you did not 100% trust me and everyone in my household I would not be offering you a childcare space as I do not need the constant worry in my life about what you are thinking, or feeling about my care. You are already going in with the thought your child is going to be abused so that is not a healthy relationship for anyone to have with you or your child and poltential mind field of False allegations to Ofsted, authorities etc.

Why should someone trust you or your husband? How do they know you are trustworthy?

Just because someone doesn’t automatically trust someone who is offering to care for their children doesn’t mean they are going to make false allegations.

@Mmn654123

I don't think op is being remotely irrational. The moment your child isn't in your care, the risk of them being abused increases. Including by members of your own household. Parents can't ever be too vigilant.

Of course they can, they can be so 'vigilant' that they constrict their children's lives and make the children themselves anxious. Never letting them out of your care is quite a good way to do that.

I think the question for the OP is whether there's other childcare available that she feels is equally good and doesn't come with this fear? If so then really just go with another childminder or a nursery or whatever you feel more comfortable with as there's no downside. If it means using childcare that you feel is less good in other ways, or if it means changing your whole life in a way that you don't want to do, then that means the anxiety is having a detrimental effect and that's the point where it isn't healthy.

I didn't want to use a childminder for the same reason. I think a nursery (or a preschool if they are old enough), is better .

DBS checks doesnt actually mean they arent it just means they havent been caught if they are. I only know this to well sadly and it's not from me being in that place.

However most peados are in the family home, or the family.

Practically, all you can do is minimise the risk as much as possible. All the checks etc are a good start.
Maybe a nursery setting where more adults are around would be better for your peace of mind?

You are being OTT, whether you want to hear it or not. As for the nursery refusing to hire on grounds of gender, I can see the upcoming lawsuit now.

I actively chose a childcare provider with mixed sex staff. I wanted my children to see that childcare is not just 'womens work' (ie horribly undervalued) and that men too can be responsible for children, learning, caring, gentle and loving. To be honest I think that's what we should be teaching our children, not the 'peados are everywhere' mantra.

It's normal for parents to worry about every little thing with their children - I have a bit of an obsession with road safety and worry that on a trip out with nursery something will happen with the traffic to cause them injury, but I don't let that stop them going to nursery and going on trips. I know that the risk is extremely small, that measures are in place to try to prevent accidents, and that the benefits of going outweigh the risks by a long way.

My friends kids were physically abused by a child minder (female) and she had no idea until the police contacted her. Another parent had reported the childminder. So I would not be using gender as a reason to demonise people in the childcare industry

It is statistically overwhelming true that paedophiles tend to be male. This is just a fact.

It doesn’t mean no women abuse children or that all or most men do either.

OP send your child to nursery.

There are more safeguards in place in a nursery or school setting. If staff are one to one or toileting it is within the sight of other adults. It’s really not the same with a childminder who has unsupervised access to your child, with unknown potential visitors.

I had this fear and therefore decided a nursery was a better environment. Not many people allowed in and out where as a child minder could have anyone in their house.

Okay OP, so you’d be ok with Rosemary West, Myra Hindley and Beverley Allit looking after your kid’s. Yes of course, that would be nonsense but that’s where you get to if you generalise rather than examine the specific risks.

The point is, these people have been checked, so you are as sure as you can be. It's very important that your child knows things like he can say no to any adult, and that he can tell you if he is uneasy about anything.

I understand the feeling OP.

Without sounding harsh there are going to be many times when you can’t protect them and sometimes you just have to trust your instinct if you think something isn’t right.
It is very unusual for someone to attack straight away so you will usually have time to feel if anything is uneasy.

Obviously go with people who are DBS checked etc but remember that it is usually trusted family/friends who pose most risk as they are alone with them more. Whereas childminders and teachers etc usually have other people/children around so don’t have the ‘opportunity’.

So, 1 in 5 reported pedophiles will be a woman and the other 4, men.
That’s the statistics:

“Studies by LFF confirmed that a “fair proportion” of child abusers are women. Donald Findlater, Director of Research, noted that up to 20% of 320,000 suspected UK pedophiles were women. He stressed, however, that these are only the cases that are reported.”
psychcentral.com/blog/psychoanalysis-now/2017/06/the-rise-of-female-child-molesters#1

@triceratops12

I had this fear and therefore decided a nursery was a better environment. Not many people allowed in and out where as a child minder could have anyone in their house.

That’s what I did too with my children. I had to return to work when they were just under 3 months old, so a nursery with CCTV and policies where no one was alone with a baby or child were very reassuring.

You need to see your GP re your anxiety. It makes me very angry when a mums anxiety is so bad it damages the child.

Yes of course, that would be nonsense but that’s where you get to if you generalise rather than examine the specific risks.

The specific risk is that a male is 4 times as likely as a female to be a paedophile if the PP stats are correct.

As a parent it’s then up to you to decide whether you want to minimise that risk for your child. Perfectly valid arguments on either side of that decision IMO.

@oblomov20 what evidence do you have that the op has damaged her child?

Thanks everyone, some responses of sound advice. Some very impertinent responses too!

For the record, I work with lots male nurses who are excellent and trustworthy and I know men in a caring environment can absolutely excel.

Releasing your baby to someone else’s care is very serious business, obviously, and as I don’t know any other new mums (COVID!) going in cold to childcare is surely reasonably going to make me extra cautious.

I don't think it's OTT to want to ensure you leave your child in as safe an environment as possible. Minimising any risks is fine.
It's not like OP is insisting that the child wear a body cam at all times, is it?

I don't think you are being irrational. I have the same fears but still sent my boy. He was very articulate at months and would say what happened and who changed him but still one can't rely on what they say because of the power of grooming. Even DBS checks didn't give me complete comfort. To me, a clean check could simply mean not caught yet. And then there was emotional abuse or bullying that I worried about and my partner very "don't confront" attitude which means he is dismissive of reports like "X hit me" (even reported by toddler more than once. Letter proved true). But then again, abuse and horrible things can happen at any stage in their lives. So I grit my teeth and send him (having done the checks). I equip him to confide in me, that I trust him. And I pray and hope he will be ok. I also take comfort in statistics. I will certainly look at the book suggested here because I believe that's all we can do. Equip ourselves and equip them and hope for the best

@LaBellina

For this reason I choose a nursery with only female staff when I was pregnant and looking for daycare for DS. They told me off the record that they officially can not reject any future staff based on gender but in reality they would not be hiring any male staff.

That is terrible. Breaks all equally rules. No wonder men do not go into teaching or childcare.

As you have mentioned gender do remember that those who appear as female may not be of the female sex.