I’m scared of paedophiles having access to my child when in childcare

[OrangeSprout]

Yes I know how insane this sounds...but I don’t want to hear about me being OTT or getting help for being irrational.
What are other mums doing about childcare who are thinking about this too?
I have a meeting with a childminder today, who looks great. Her husband is also a childminder and will be around in the day too. Registered and dbs checked and all the qualifications and experience, ticks all boxes and I think DS would thrive in her care, but how can I get reassurance? Or minimise risk with choosing Childcare?
Quitting work and being with DS 24/7 would obviously get rid of risk but then stifle his development and I need to work!
There’s no other easy answer, but would really appreciate other’s ideas or thoughts on being as practically safe as possible.

I also had that concern so went with a nursery where they don’t have 1-1 alone time and adult and all nappies etc are a changed more publically.

Some fabulous advice thanks so much!

I don’t need help, if you can’t ask online anonymously on this type of thing where can you voice these concerns? I’m not an anxious person, but have read a lot and seen plenty in the media for me to want to take precautions with the most precious person who it is my responsibility to protect.

@HermioneMakepeace

OP, I was like you when my DC we’re younger. Ignore people telling you to ‘get help’ as you can’t switch off anxiety.

Perhaps you should consider a nursery?

This is the exact point - you can't switch off anxiety yourself which is exactly why you should seek help if it's affecting your life because that will continue unless a professional supports you to change things.

@MRC20 what a ridiculous thing to say. Do you shield your children away from all men? I think you need some support because that is a disturbing outlook you have.

You have to weigh up the risks here

A child being SA in a childminding setting or nursery setting is very very unlikely.
It is far more likely in a family setting or friends of family.

The risks of him only spending time with you, not socialising, not gaining new skills and new experiences is massive and your anxiety may pass over into him to be fearful of new things.

Check the references, frequently check in with your child. Set firm boundaries on private parts when he is old enough and make sure it is spoken about in an appropriate way.

A common tool used by pedophiles is saying they are "checking" and "making sure it's okay" in terms of their private parts, drill into him that no one "checks" his parts without you saying it's okay.

It is scary and it is okay to be anxious about it, but acting on that and preventing him from having happy experiences is not okay.

Hi, iam childminder and myself and husband have been dbs checked, Etc my husband does not work with me but does work from home. While I understand your concern it does seem a very extreme feeling you have if I felt you did not 100% trust me and everyone in my household I would not be offering you a childcare space as I do not need the constant worry in my life about what you are thinking, or feeling about my care. You are already going in with the thought your child is going to be abused so that is not a healthy relationship for anyone to have with you or your child and poltential mind field of False allegations to Ofsted, authorities etc.

For this reason I choose a nursery with only female staff when I was pregnant and looking for daycare for DS. They told me off the record that they officially can not reject any future staff based on gender but in reality they would not be hiring any male staff.

@netflixandmixedgrill is right.

A child being SA in a childminding setting or nursery setting is very very unlikely.
It is far more likely in a family setting or friends of family.
Statistically children are much more likely to be harmed by someone within the family. A nursery may give you slightly more peace of mind as staff should seldom be alone with children but you might also ask about their safeguarding policy which may detail this.

I don't think you are being OTT but I would consider the types of settings you might feel more comfortable with. My DS goes to nursery with mixed female caregivers and although I didn't pick it for that reason I would feel more comfortable with that than the situation you describe. Non verbal child in a small home setting, I can see why it might make you feel uncomfortable.

I don’t think you’re being crazy OP - this is one of many reasons I decided to be a SAHM. I didn’t send my elder daughter to nursery until she was completely toilet trained so no one had any reason to be near her pants 😂
But I was fortunate that it was an option for me financially to stay at home (although we do sacrifice a lot for that privilege).
What I do think is crazy is that you would think staying at home with your child would stifle their development?! You are going to be a far more focused teacher than any childcare setting. One to one care with the person who loves you most in the world is (whilst obviously not always an option) always going to be great developmentally. And if you mean socially, it’s well documented that children don’t actively gain anything positive from being with other children until they’re about 3.
I’m honestly not judging anyone who has to or chooses to go back to work when their baby is tiny but, you feel how you feel and you have to prioritise what’s most important to you, you only get one shot at it and it doesn’t last long!

I don't think it's a ridiculous fear. I think it's kind of natural but that you can make it less theoretical by going to see different nurseries and trusting your gut. As people say, a nursery full of laughing children staffed entirely by qualified women only is a good start.

for your anxiety

@Apple40

Hi, iam childminder and myself and husband have been dbs checked, Etc my husband does not work with me but does work from home. While I understand your concern it does seem a very extreme feeling you have if I felt you did not 100% trust me and everyone in my household I would not be offering you a childcare space as I do not need the constant worry in my life about what you are thinking, or feeling about my care. You are already going in with the thought your child is going to be abused so that is not a healthy relationship for anyone to have with you or your child and poltential mind field of False allegations to Ofsted, authorities etc.

I can understand this response from your POV. I am wanting to 100% trust my childcare which is why I’m seeking advice beforehand.

And if you mean socially, it’s well documented that children don’t actively gain anything positive from being with other children until they’re about 3.

This is not true.

Sorry @OrangeSprout I didn't mean the flowers in a PA way! I meant it more in an "'I hope you find a solution that works for you'' way. You shouldn't have to lose your own job.

@LaBellina

For this reason I choose a nursery with only female staff when I was pregnant and looking for daycare for DS. They told me off the record that they officially can not reject any future staff based on gender but in reality they would not be hiring any male staff.

Wow.

Honestly I am not one of these posters who always has to jump up and defend The Men, and I completely agree that the vast majority of paedophiles are men, but at the same time the vast majority of men are not paedophiles. I am really shocked that this setting was so brazen about their discrimination. I am also sad that perpetuating this nonsense means our children continue to grow up believing that caring is women’s work.

@MRC20

I think you're right to consider this. Personally my kids are in female only childcare and will be until they start school especially as they're non verbal currently. It's not that I have a particular fear that paedophiles would get access to them but given pretty much all paedophiles are men why take the risk if you don't have to?

Except for those 3 women who were probably the worst in English history who worked in the nursery

They were women.

I think your concern is a very real one op and you are not being ridiculous. Those saying are you not going to let your child have a male teacher at school etc, school is entirely different, the child has a voice by then and its not likely that a teacher at school will have one child alone at any time.
The person that said choose a female only childminder, good idea, but still you never know who's popping in during the day.
For my children I chose a nursery. There are no male staff at our nursery. It's a sad world we live in though that we view all men as predators!

I understand. Go with your instinct.
Not childcare but music. Lessons here and I didn't got with my gut feeling.
He is now in prison.
No amount of checks can be 100%

I really suggest you read the book mentioned up thread.
Do also listen to your Gut instinct about "individuals".
Be an involved parent, the one who turns up to events, offers extra help. Talk to any adults involved in care.
The most likely abuser of a child is a family member. As they get older people like sports coaches are also possibles - but showing that you are there, listen to your children and giving them strong boundaries (Pants or Swimsuit from a young age), and not being flattered into allowing "special coaching", and prioritising being a chaperone.

But read the book.

I don't think you are OTT .. I worry about this all the time. I would die without my kids and be broken if something happened to them.

Especially as DBS checks just mean they haven't been caught. It's better than nothing but always a worry. I would go for a nursery and I would go for a nursery with mainly woman workers. Still a chance but I would prefer there to be plenty of workers around to see things

Must have perfect ofsted report and plenty of staff with little staff turnover.

You have to make a risk-based decision - only you can make that decision. For us, the benefits of childcare mean that I'm happy to take the risk because the risk is, in my view, very very small. As PP said, the most likely source of abuse is a family member - as with so many crimes - and there's a danger of missing something close to home because you're so anxious about the very unlikely prospect of someone outside the family doing something. All you can do is to have an open relationship with your child and teach them the things that help to mitigate, like the correct words for penis/vagina/vulva etc.

FWIW, DS key worker at nursery is male and I have zero issues with it.

You don't want to hear it, but you're being totally irrational and OTT. PFB syndrome?
If you're so concerned use a nursery, there are many,many excellent ones, or a CM who's a single mum. You need to learn to get this in check or school will be a nightmare.

@AuntieMarys

You are being irrational

Is she? In what way?

I don't think op is being remotely irrational. The moment your child isn't in your care, the risk of them being abused increases. Including by members of your own household. Parents can't ever be too vigilant.

They told me off the record that they officially can not reject any future staff based on gender but in reality they would not be hiring any male staff

Disgraceful behaviour from this nursery.
This would be a reason NOT to give them any business.