Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

host family lied to me

95 replies

anotherbiscuit100 · 24/07/2019 13:02

Hello, not sure if this is the right place to seek advice on this issue but thought it was worth a shot.
I am 19 years old from UK and currently in my first au pair job abroad for a month which I found on aupair world. Skyped the family a few times beforehand, spoke to both parents and their kids (DD 14 and DS 8 - I am there primarily for DS) and everything seemed to be completely fine.

I arrived a few days ago, host parents are lovely and very welcoming and generous. However, the 8 y.o boy... I noticed his behaviour is completely out of hand. Shouting at other kids, pushing little girls out of the way in the park, etc. On my second night here he bit a five year old child in the play area of a restaurant, parents were there and removed him from play area but other than that demonstrated no consequences or punishment.

He doesn't listen to a word I tell him, due to the language barrier between us. I am supposed to be here to 'improve his english' but he is not interested whatsoever and only shouts over me or says 'no' and walks away when i try to get him to use english words. Two days into the job and his mum tells me he has severe ADHD and has a helper at school etc, and that was the reason they got an au pair because he cannot attend summer camps with other children due to his behaviour.

I feel so frustrated and betrayed that they (deliberately) withheld this information from me because they thought it would make it more difficult to find a willing au pair. The language barrier makes it even harder - he really needs someone who can speak to him in his language in order to make communication easier. I feel so sorry for him as it is not his fault and he doesn't understand. All I can say to him when he acts up in public is "No" or "Stop" so i am constantly telling him off without being able to explain why and I feel so bad. However I am most angry at the parents for putting me in this position and failing to disclose his disability in advance.

Do I have a right to feel this way about the situation?? It is so exhausting and I am miserable.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

saraclara · 25/07/2019 11:56

There's no way that someone can manage a child with ADHD without speaking his language.

It looks to me as though Au Pair world is just an introduction site with no actual support (along the lines of Trusted Housitters). So I wouldn't expect anything from them.
Have you signed any sort of contract?

Knittedfairies · 25/07/2019 11:57

Come home, and make sure Aupair World know why. Either that, or find another family through the site wherever you are. Your host family may have breached the T&Cs of Aupair World by not giving full details. Good luck!

SmartPlay · 25/07/2019 12:01

What these parents did is unacceptable and unfair - both to you and their son. If I were you, I'd leave (or look for another family) - unless they pay really well (which they probably don't, or they'd have found someone even when mentioning his problems).

Are you in Sweden?

ASundayWellSpent · 25/07/2019 12:01

Leave! I have left an aupair job previously, honestly it was the best thing I could do. Don't worry about giving them time to sort out any additional childcare, they were dishonest with you and you have every right to leave

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 25/07/2019 12:06

Bang out of order

Go Home OP

SavoyCabbage · 25/07/2019 12:06

He wanted a bath that was coca-cola instead of water so his mother filled the bath with coca-cola. That's the madness that I was dealing with. The mother was standing in the bathroom with a stack of boxes of Coke next to her, pouring them in the bath.

zafferana · 25/07/2019 12:11

Firstly OP, that's terrible and IMO they've broken their contract with you (if you have one? I assume you do), but not being upfront about the true job you were signing on for. Have you spoken to Au Pair World? Do they have a helpline? If so, get onto it now and ask their advice. This must be a situation that crops up every now and again and they should know how to deal with it and advise you.

The bottom line is this though: do you want to stay with this family for the time agreed? If the answer is no, that you cannot cope with this DC and feel he needs specialist help, then be upfront with APW immediately and tell them you need to either switch to another job locally (that's what I did when I was an au pair abroad - first family were a fucking nightmare but I moved to another lovely family and had a fabulous six months - I'm SO glad I did this!), or that you wish to go home as soon as it can arranged.

lmusic87 · 25/07/2019 12:12

I would talk to the host and leave.

Derbee · 25/07/2019 12:15

I would leave. They’ve put you in a totally unfair situation and you don’t owe them anything. I would report them to the agency/website that you used.

urbanlife · 25/07/2019 12:16

Go home. You have no chance. So sorry thet misled you.

dinkystinky · 25/07/2019 12:17

Talk to the host - explain you cant do the job they recruited you for - they need a special carer for their son like at school and someone who can communicate in their language - and go home.

I'm sorry they didnt give you the full picture.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/07/2019 12:18

Another vote for leaving - or maybe even a transfer to another family if the agency has anyone else in the area?

They were utterly in the wrong to keep this from you, and actually it could be even worse than you think ... should anything go very badly wrong, guess who'll get the blame?

INeedNewShoes · 25/07/2019 12:21

Leave. Honestly, please leave.

When a host family is dishonest like this, this is not going to get better.

I worked for a family where the kids were great on the whole but the parents were very economical with the truth regarding my working hours when they advertised the job. I kept thinking it would get better but there was always a reason why I was needed for more hours. It didn't get better.

PancakeAndKeith · 25/07/2019 12:23

You owe this family nothing.
They lied to you.
Get your things and walk away.

walkinwar · 25/07/2019 12:24

Yes disappointingly the host family lied to you. I can understand you feel frustrated and your concern for the child is commendable. I have had several Au pairs in the past and am still on host family fb groups so can say that type omission would be frowned upon. In my country (not UK) Au pairs are in high demand and families go out of their way to offer incentives. You are only young and there for a cultural experience and most likely not being paid a carers salary. I'd sit down and have a discussion with the parents, let them know your concerns and see how they respond. They may decide to back you up and help with the language barrier or provide other support, but be prepared it could go pair shaped so have a plan B just in case. There is no point being unhappy and staying in a bad or unsafe situation. The fact they have lied to you already I think you have every reason to move on to another family that is more honest and suitable.

IamAporcupine · 25/07/2019 12:25

Please leave (and come to ours, we could do with some help

Brakebackcyclebot · 25/07/2019 12:26

Adding to the "leave" vote (never thought i'd say those words 🤣🤣).

They have put you in an untenable position. If (when) something goes wrong, who do you think they will blame? They don't have form for being open & honest. Leave, tell them why and leave feedback on the site.

QuickThinkOfAName · 25/07/2019 12:28

You sound amazing and very calm in the face of this!

You have to leave. It's not fair on you and it's not fair on him. How can you be expected to manage a child with special needs when you don't speak the same language?!

How was the job posted? Sorry I don't know the website you're talking about. I would raise it with them.

catofdoom · 25/07/2019 12:32

This is shocking. They've behaved appallingly. Both to you and their son.

ItWentInMyEye · 25/07/2019 12:40

What shitty parents to want someone with no SEN experience to look after their child so intensely. (Obviously no offence meant to you OP, just can't fathom why they'd do so badly by their son)

Cherrysoup · 25/07/2019 12:43

If it's only for a month, I think I'd leave. It was unfair of them to leave out details of his issues. I had very similar when I was an au pair abroad, but tolerated it as the family were friends of my family. It was horrific, but improved my language to native level.

ThatCurlyGirl · 25/07/2019 12:43

God you poor thing this is really shitty of the parents to land it on you once you're already there so you didn't have the chance to make a decision fully informed.

Was this done through an agency or directly? Sorry OP they've really fucked you over here, and their son too who obviously needs specialist support.

Shitty behaviour from them towards both of you

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/07/2019 12:46

Leave.

If there is an accident, or he seriously hurts another child while in your care, you will never forgive yourself, and there may be legal repercussions.

They obviously didn't want to pay for an experienced carer to look after their child, but it is totally unfair to expect you to do so.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/07/2019 12:47

If there is an accident, or he seriously hurts another child while in your care, you will never forgive yourself, and there may be legal repercussions

Exactly ...

fedup21 · 25/07/2019 12:47

I’m amazed you’re still there. I’d leave today.

Flip

1 2 3 4