host family lied to me

[anotherbiscuit100]

Hello, not sure if this is the right place to seek advice on this issue but thought it was worth a shot.
I am 19 years old from UK and currently in my first au pair job abroad for a month which I found on aupair world. Skyped the family a few times beforehand, spoke to both parents and their kids (DD 14 and DS 8 - I am there primarily for DS) and everything seemed to be completely fine.

I arrived a few days ago, host parents are lovely and very welcoming and generous. However, the 8 y.o boy... I noticed his behaviour is completely out of hand. Shouting at other kids, pushing little girls out of the way in the park, etc. On my second night here he bit a five year old child in the play area of a restaurant, parents were there and removed him from play area but other than that demonstrated no consequences or punishment.

He doesn't listen to a word I tell him, due to the language barrier between us. I am supposed to be here to 'improve his english' but he is not interested whatsoever and only shouts over me or says 'no' and walks away when i try to get him to use english words. Two days into the job and his mum tells me he has severe ADHD and has a helper at school etc, and that was the reason they got an au pair because he cannot attend summer camps with other children due to his behaviour.

I feel so frustrated and betrayed that they (deliberately) withheld this information from me because they thought it would make it more difficult to find a willing au pair. The language barrier makes it even harder - he really needs someone who can speak to him in his language in order to make communication easier. I feel so sorry for him as it is not his fault and he doesn't understand. All I can say to him when he acts up in public is "No" or "Stop" so i am constantly telling him off without being able to explain why and I feel so bad. However I am most angry at the parents for putting me in this position and failing to disclose his disability in advance.

Do I have a right to feel this way about the situation?? It is so exhausting and I am miserable.

I agree with other posters. Go home.

It's also unfair of the parents towards their child. If he has additional needs the communication element is crucial. How is the poor child meant to communicate his needs or be calmed down or helped if he doesn't understand.

You sound very caring OP.

My heart goes out to you OP. It's not you - it's them. I doubt too that there have been previous babysitters who've had no issues. I rather suspect there has been a parade. I found myself in a summer babysitting situation which I left after a whole host of issues. Turned out the family couldn't keep babysitters and the Mum went berserk when I handed in my notice.

You're almost home - don't let them knock your confidence. Just do your best tomorrow.

That poor child is not having his needs met. His parents clearly don't want to know.

Sorry, meant parade of babysitters who've struggled

"I was told that him hitting and biting other kids was "normal" and "not a big deal""

What a ridiculous thing for them to say, of course it's a fucking big deal. They apparently have no empathy whatsoever for the other, smaller children he's attacking.

Might be best to stay in tomorrow. Not fair on you to have people ranting at you about their kids being assaulted and not fair on the kids being assaulted.
I'd have a plan B to get to the airport in case they make you "accidentally" miss your plane

How can you even be “uptight and strict” or “sweet” when you only seem to have extremely limited Italian? Looking after children properly requires pretty subtle language and it’s massively unfair on a child to have them cared for by someone who doesn’t speak their language properly.

Is there an easy public transport way to the airport? To be honest I think you’re better off just making your own way, think of it like an adult resigning from a job, not a child leaving a family, and assert your independence from now on.

Poor you, you've acted very well. x

So sorry you’ve had this experience. Please don’t let this put you off, I spent a year (was supposed to only be a summer after uni) with a great family in spain. Ten years later and I had a sen child - I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking someone unqualified to look after her. Hope you enjoy the rest of your summer, whatever you decide to do.

The dad is an arsehole, pure and simple. How can his DC attacking other small DC at a swimming pool be normal and not a big deal? It's not just his ADHD that's the problem, it's that he's had no proper parenting. DC with ADHD are impulsive, but aren't stupid and they can learn right from wrong and just giving him a cuddle and being nice to him is not the right way to deal with such antisocial behaviour. You're doing the right thing by leaving, but please do notify APW of your experience. This family needs to be removed from their listings in future unless they're honest about needing an Italian-speaking au pair with SEN experience.

I think you’ve been really smart about this, go home and get a cuddle from your mum!

If it makes you feel better a friend of mine, who worked for several families in her career had some breathtaking experiences. The father of one her charges came home one day and sacked her because the child had got muddy in the woods the day before and had suffered from earache all night . (Nothing had been said by the mother that morning). My friend’s Dad went round to collect some things and her final pay and the employer confessed he’d lost his job and they couldn’t afford to employ my friend any more. My friend had been so upset and angry.
People are weird, and you don’t always get the whole story. I bet there’s been lots of girls like you, sadly.
Hope your next adventure is amazing! X

What horrible horrible people-I am so glad you are leaving. They should never have put you in this position.

Do alert thr agency you were recruited through. They should be aware so others are not put in your position.

Just one thing though, have a plan for getting to the airport under your own steam if you need to, just in case they let you down.

They are very wrong to make it out to be your fault and pretend it's not been a problem before. Their way of dealing with him doesn't sound helpful.

He has sen but its not big deal that he bites people-how dare they-i suspect the next poor au pair wont fair any better either

Tell th agency even if its just so they know theyre lieing in their ad

Hope you're on your way home now OP.

Sounds like a horrid experience but you’ve handled it brilliantly! I did similar jobs for a while and had some amazing families, some of whom I’m still in touch with now. Don’t let it out you off, and it sounds like a family would be lucky to have you x

Hope you got home ok

Hope you are okay and home! I have a child with SN (autism, ADHD and OCD) and would never have done this.

Yes, they should have told you AP. I know an AP of a school family who left because she hadn't be told the kids had ADHD.