host family lied to me

[anotherbiscuit100]

Hello, not sure if this is the right place to seek advice on this issue but thought it was worth a shot.
I am 19 years old from UK and currently in my first au pair job abroad for a month which I found on aupair world. Skyped the family a few times beforehand, spoke to both parents and their kids (DD 14 and DS 8 - I am there primarily for DS) and everything seemed to be completely fine.

I arrived a few days ago, host parents are lovely and very welcoming and generous. However, the 8 y.o boy... I noticed his behaviour is completely out of hand. Shouting at other kids, pushing little girls out of the way in the park, etc. On my second night here he bit a five year old child in the play area of a restaurant, parents were there and removed him from play area but other than that demonstrated no consequences or punishment.

He doesn't listen to a word I tell him, due to the language barrier between us. I am supposed to be here to 'improve his english' but he is not interested whatsoever and only shouts over me or says 'no' and walks away when i try to get him to use english words. Two days into the job and his mum tells me he has severe ADHD and has a helper at school etc, and that was the reason they got an au pair because he cannot attend summer camps with other children due to his behaviour.

I feel so frustrated and betrayed that they (deliberately) withheld this information from me because they thought it would make it more difficult to find a willing au pair. The language barrier makes it even harder - he really needs someone who can speak to him in his language in order to make communication easier. I feel so sorry for him as it is not his fault and he doesn't understand. All I can say to him when he acts up in public is "No" or "Stop" so i am constantly telling him off without being able to explain why and I feel so bad. However I am most angry at the parents for putting me in this position and failing to disclose his disability in advance.

Do I have a right to feel this way about the situation?? It is so exhausting and I am miserable.

You sound so mature and sensible. I was an au pair when I was 19 (25 years ago now!) and I was clueless. It will feel confrontational to leave but really you have done nothing wrong and it’s not in the boy’s best interest for you to be his carer. Hope you find another post soon- are you in a country where you are trying to learn their language?

SmartPlay - Are you in Sweden?

I doubt it as in Sweden local authorities have a legal obligation to provide 6-12 year olds with afterschool/holiday care for a maximum of £80 per MONTH.

They also have an obligation to provide specialist SEN care until late teens for the same £80 per month.

People really exploit teenagers. Someone I know is involved with a volunteer-run animal rescue place, and they have people from all over the world coming for work-aways. The number who email them frantically because they've arrived somewhere and are being treated as dogsbodies is astounding. These are (mostly) teenagers, who aren't being paid, they get food and a place to stay in return for five hours work a day IIRC. Some people expect them to do 7 hours of heavy labour, or skivvying, in return for their food.

Please leave a bad review, and complain to the agency. CFs

@Lunde I know, but as far as I know, you can't leave the kids in care during the whole school holidays, as they are required to time off.
But mainly that was just my prejudice acting up - the way the parents acted just sounded very swedish to me ;)

You should definitely leave. The situation is not safe for the child and as a pp has said, if anything happens you will feel terrible and might be legally to blame (?)

I was an aupair nearly 20 years ago to children who did not have SEN, but one was quite badly behaved. It had a huge effect on me, that I didn't realize at the time. I think it was a combination of struggling with the bad behavior but also the fact that I didn't stand up for myself.

Pack your bags, say goodbye.

Dreadful behavior from the host family, you should leave, today.

Do I have a right to feel this way about the situation?? It is so exhausting and I am miserable
Yes, you have every right to feel your feelings - and they are valid.

They've deliberately withheld important information from you - and they've knowingly put you at risk.
This child is extremely violent and aggressive - and is not used to discipline.
He needs more specialised care than what an au pair can provide.
The parents should have a plan of how to manage his ADHD and aggression - and they should discuss this with a caregiver BEFORE they accept the job.

They obviously can't be arsed to do take proper responsibility of their childs needs.

They would rather shove that responsibility onto someone else.

I would contact the agency and tell them the truth.
YOU - and every au pair after you - need to know the full truth beforehand - and given the choice of whether you want the EXTRA responsibility.
They are taking the utter piss out of you and have absolutely no regard for your mental and physical wellbeing.
Get out before it gets worse.

You sound incredibly mature and intelligent. Sorry you've been lied to. I'd love to have you as my au pair!

Just echoing others that you sound so mature and thoughtful and, despite a shit situation, very kind too. You'll go far and one day this situation will just be something that was further character building for you.

This sounds very odd to me.
Usually the Au Pair is expected to be reasonably fluent in the child's native language and the idea is that the Au Pair is taking the opportunity to improve their fluency. You hardly expect say, an 8yr old German child to speak in English to his Au Pair, let alone one with SN.

Usually the Au Pair is expected to be reasonably fluent in the child's native language

I didn't know that. One of my students was an Au Pair looking after a four-year-old who'd had a chain of au pairs who didn't speak his language, English, and ended up needing speech therapy.

OP, my dd faced a similar situation when she accepted an au pair position in Madrid via apw. The parents failed to let dd know that one of their children had adhd and autism. The child was very violent towards dd and his sibling and it was horrible.

The parents were lovely and dd stayed for the duration but it was the hardest 6 months of her life and she was glad to leave. The next au pair that went to the family lasted 5 days before she went home. I think apw should ask host families to declare any disabilities.

SmartPlay - I know, but as far as I know, you can't leave the kids in care during the whole school holidays, as they are required to time off.

In Sweden you can easily get holiday care if you are working or studying but you cannot usually send them in the summer if you are on leave. Most people don't have this issue as you have a legal right to take 4 consecutive weeks leave between June and August if you want them. Usually there is not huge demand for places in July when most people are on leave so 2 or 3 after school clubs may be consolidated at a single site.

However for some people have more difficulty taking leave. Mature students often sign up for summer courses in order to complete their degrees faster. If you are unemployed - you can be formally or informally forced to take a summer job, especially if you want to retain your right to higher rate unemployment benefits.

A friend of mine did this but has also refused to get her third dc diagnosed with anything when they are clearly not nt. I’ve never seen anything like this dc, screaming all the time, hitting etc. She hired and au pair and was surprised when the au pair just never came back to the house one day.
Absolutely leave. It’s not fair on the dc who no offence will require more specialist help and it will break you into believing you can’t do something like this when you absolutely can, it’s just you’ve been let down really badly. They’ve lied to you, it’s time to set things straight.

Hi everyone - thank you so so much for all of your responses and advice. I am so glad that others can recognise how unfair and upsetting this situation is for me.

Worst of it came today. Took him to the swimming pool this afternoon where I had 4 parents of 4 separate children come to me shouting at me in Italian about something he had done i.e hitting their kids, being violent etc. The last mother was raging at me because he bit her 4 y.o daughter, and at this point I was so emotionally exhausted I just broke down in tears in front of her. I knew tonight I had to have conversation with host parents.

Phoned my mum and after a long and emotional chat decided to book flights home for Saturday. The father returned home from work (he speaks fluent english and therefore a lot of conversations require him to be present) and I sat down and explained the situation calmly. In repsonse I was told that him hitting and biting other kids was "normal" and "not a big deal". They told me that the best way to deal with him is no punishment or telling off and just to give him a cuddle and "be really sweet with him." They then said that he was maybe acting out because he could sense I was too uptight and strict, so basically the issue is me. I asked them, why not tell me in advance about his ADHD and they said they have had many babysitters before who were unaware and it is not a problem and the difference was that they were older, had their own kids and were more 'laid back' than I am.

Needless to say I am extremely upset after that conversation. They said they understood that I wanted to leave and are taking me to the airport on Saturday which is very kind of them. I cried to my host mum after and told her I was so sorry and I didn't want her to think I was telling her he was a bad kid or he had something wrong with him etc, it was just too much for me and I was unqualified. Although this is not my fault, can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. sad

Oh op

I am raging on your behalf. They put you in a completely untenable position. It's outrageous.

I'm livid youre upset. You sound incredibly mature and any parent (and child!) would be lucky to have you.

Well done for getting out of there. I think it's the only way. Take care of yourself and have a lovely summer.

I’m really glad to read your update. I’m glad you’re leaving and I’m pleased that the host family are taking you to the airport (I once had to leave an Italian family in the middle of the night because the woman was a nutcase and the agency thought that she might throw me out if I gave her notice!). Whatever they say and however they defend themselves, they were wrong to not tell you and consequently they put their own child in an unsafe situation (and you). Mi dispiache!

Sadly, it's no surprise at all that they tried to pin this on you ... just imagine what could have happened if there'd been a serious incident with him

Very well done for making the right decision and leaving - they've clearly got some major issues to deal with, but happily it's no longer your problem

You should absolutely not feel guilty!

They lied, they put you in an impossible position, and frankly, their attitude to their child's issues is just nuts.

I'm glad arrangements are in hand for your return home, and that you find a more suitable post soon. Though I'd go with an agency this time. A basic introduction site is a bit risky for someone your age. You need proper support in a situation like this, rather than having to deal with it alone.
I suspect that introduction sites are used by those who've been dumped by reliable agencies, to be honest.

You shouldn't feel guilty at all, it's the parents - and the parents only - who should feel that way. Their behaviour was/is unacceptable and their stories about all the previous AuPairs/babysitters who apparently had no problem with the child are most likely made up.

You sound like an incredibly lovely person and you have dealt with this in a great way.

OP, you are absolutely doing the right thing.

I'm afraid I don't believe them that previous babysitters have been fine handling the ADHD, and you don't need us to tell you that clearly they're talking a load of bollocks trying to normalise biting etc

This is disgraceful. Poor you!