Aupair's boyfriend sleepovers

[Isuxasanannyboss]

Hi, I've read all previous posts about this topic and I'm still not sure how to manage the situation. Lovely aupair whom we treat as part of the family (albeit my complain to her is that she's a bit untidy and doesn't clean so our housekeeper cleans her bedroom), she's got a lovely boyfriend. Her (tiny) room is on the other side of the flat and has a relatively independent entrance. I say 'relatively independent' because it is one that we also use when we have wet shoes or need to hang coats.
She's been with us for quite a long time, on and off (because she returned to her country and came back). In the past our rules where no visitors. Period. No friends, no boyfriends. As I got to know her, I allowed her to bring some friends with previous notice. We never really met the previous boyfriend, because he didn't want to come. She started a new relationship last year. The guy is an English guy who lives in London and has his own flat (a bit further away from home but still local). We met him, we like him a lot and I'm happy that she's happy. We have invited him to come to the country over a weekend. I've told her that he can come home but I also asked her not to bring him unannounced.
I found out that her boyfriend has been staying regularly overnight. I heard the door once at 6am and she told me it was him and that he had stayed because she was unwell and was looking after her. I thought it had been a one-off occurrence. Two days ago I ran into him in the morning when I went to get my coat. I wasn't happy to see him.
I feel uncomfortable with the boyfriend (or any friends) staying overnight without asking in advance or at the very least letting me know. I don't feel comfortable with the boyfriend being a regular feature in the house, laying on the sofa watching a movie or having dinner at ours.
I'm not sure what is it. I would feel exactly the same if she was my daughter, I don't know if it's a control thing, the way I was brought up, the country where I come from or what.
She had a difficult upbringing. Her mum was very conservative and controlling and suffered from bipolar. Once mum died, everyone did whatever they wanted. I come from a traditional catholic family, although I'm not religious myself.
I feel invaded. I feel I choose one person to live with but not that person and whoever she wants to bring whenever she wants. I feel we're being taken for granted, I want to be reasonable, I'm open to show a degree of flexibility but I also want to feel comfortable in my own house. I don't want to feel I may run into someone who is staying overnight, no matter how lovely her boyfriend is.
How have you managed this situation yourselves, what are your house rules, please be absolutely honest if I'm being unreasonable. I may print this thread and show it to her so I want to hear as many different points of view as there are.
Thanks

It's your house OP if her boyfriend staying makes you uncomfortable then it's your prerogative to put a stop to it but as a pp has said this may force her to move on sooner than she would of done otherwise so best to prepare for this as worst case scenario.
I personally would be comfortable with her having her boyfriend staying a couple of nights a week as it sounds like you class her as part of the family but understand why you might not be

Sorry didn't read whole thread before I posted and now I have ☺️. She needs to go

I don't see how you can possibly have her responsible for your children in the upcoming month, so how is this notice period actually going to work?

Her lying around in the room, eating your food, while being paid?

@yedeye if you read the comments there are a few that think that I’m unreasonable, so I suppose if she lands at @marrymarigold ‘s home or @houstonbees they will not have a problem with my AP.

I still can't over the fact you've lent her £32,000 - has she paid much of it back?

It's a massive amount of
Money. Also if she hasn't a job will it effect her status in the UK?

Sorry just noticed that you said that she has paid back £10,000 of the loan and that it's 'properly documented'

She has a student visa, she can work part time on that visa.

Regarding the loan, I paid for her university fees upfront (£19,000) and lent her £13,000 directly to her, that she needed in her bank account in order to apply for her student visa. She then transferred that amount to a UK Bank account and I didn't ask her to reimburse that money immediately -something I could have done- because I thought she was going to earn it anyway. I don't know whether she's got anything left of that money, she's not very frugal, she buys clothes and shoes all the time so I reckon most of that money is gone.
I had this romantic vision of her succeeding in her career, making it big in life, and our family being part of changing someone's life for the better.
I couldn't see that for some people, receiving too much makes them resentful.
Again reading the comments I see that this is the way some people think and feel, like someone that said I had treated her like an "indentured servant"... It makes me really sad.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this OP

You’ve been kind and generous and you deserve better

You've been had. You'll never see another penny of that £22k. Expensive lesson to learn. She's been ripping hte piss out of you for years. I wouldn't give her any notice if her contract is a no notice period because I wouldn't trust her with my kids or want her in my house a second longer.

After all of the vile things she has said, I wouldn't allow her to be around my children for one more second. She sounds unhinged and you can't trust her. People who harbour such awful thoughts are capable of horrible things. I would put her out immediately as this is a clear safeguarding issue in my opinion.

There are a few differences of opinion but I think most agree with you in this case OP. It is a shame it didn’t work out the way you had hoped with the AP, you certainly supported her above and beyond.

You’ll have to put this one down to experience and now it will be a case of damage limitation. She doesn’t deserve your kindness.

I stumbled upon your thread, just being nosey at first but I cannot believe the attitude of your AP given the immense kindness and generousity you have shown her.

I am am not aware of the rules of an AP, however I absolutely would not allow boyfriends the stay over in MY home. I may feel different if they had the courtesy to ask, but I doubt very much I would ever be comfortable with the idea.

She is extremely lucky you are giving her her notice period. I think most of us would be showing her the door.
Maybe you are still clinging to the idea that there might be even a tiny bit of the girl you thought she was still there. You are being very dignified but you really don't have to allow her to remain in your home another month. Whatever happens now is her fault. She will eventually realise how good she had it. The lack of respect she has show you there is no coming back from.

It seems you are in a position to not pursue the money you have loaned, should it not be paid. Again, most wouldnt allow her that either so I really do commend how you have handled things x

I think there is an important lesson to learn and I’d suggest that it would be a good thing to think about WHY you feel it’s appropriate for her to be in your home and interacting with your children? She will leave having taken tens of thousands of pounds, used you to obtain a visa/access to education, abused your trust and been outrageously rude and unkind, tried to paint you in a bad light to your husband, and on top of all your kindness is willing to do this simply because she doesn’t want to get up and travel before work and would prefer to sleep with her bf in your house.

What does she have to do to be an unsuitable person to be caring for your children in their home?

As far as references go, xxxx worked for us between xx/xx/xx and zz/zz/zz the children were adequately cared for.
Yours faithfully
OP

Thanks all. I think I'm just recovering from the shock of receiving that email that made me physically ill. I've managed to avoid talking to her more than a couple of words yesterday and today.
Regarding showing her the door straight away, as @NGC2017 says I may be still clinging to the idea that she's still the girl I thought she was, and that is the part of me that feels sorry for her. On the other hand, I also feel more dignified now that I've calmed down, that I can sit down tomorrow with DH and her and just ignoring the details of her email tell her that I'm very sorry that she has felt so aggravated by me and the working and living conditions, so the time has come for her to move somewhere else and we need to work on a timeline for that to happen. I won't bring the loan up in that conversation. I will leave that for some other time.

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis I'm a stay at home mum, very hands on, do the school runs, I'm here all the time. She's been more like a play buddy and helping with homework, supervising meals, helping with showers, etc. In any event I'm not sure how she's going to react tomorrow, I anticipate even more drama.

I don’t understand why you would apologise to her and I don’t understand why you are hesitant to mention the £22,000

If you want to give ger month’s notice just pay her - don’t have her inyour home. It sounds like she’s jealous of you, she thinks it should be her house/ lovely husband/ doesn’t want to come across poor.

She’s not the girl you thought she was, she was playing you and resentful of your generosity.

@Turpy I don't see it as an apology -maybe lost in translation-, i.e. it's a pity, what a shame, too bad? She's blew it off, I'm hurt -and maybe even down £22K at this stage - but she's lost way more.
I'm not apologising for things I don't agree she had a right to in the first place but I'm sorry she's acted so badly, sorry that instead of being grateful she feels the way she feels, sorry things have come to this point, I'm sorry as this situation I'm in is not at all what I had imagined!
I thought about bringing up the debt in a follow up conversation as there's no point in doing it now, she won't be able to make any repayment plan proposal until she's moved out either with her boyfriend or some form of shared accommodation or with a new family akin to her.

If you do intend to pursue it though @Isuxasanannyboss you have to bring it up in a meeting soon. Unless she is completely stupid she can't ignore the fact that you have LOANED her the money. As I say if you do plan on pursuing it then please remind her the the conditions still stand and a legal contract can be drawn up to ensure all parties act appropriately

Ah I see, more a mothers help?

We’ve only once had to remove someone fast from the house. (Different scenario). What we did was pay her her months notice, and buy her ticket home. I took the children away and when we came back I said she’d had to go home because they needed her there. The children weren’t involved at all and just accepted it. Part of my job as a parent is to insulate them from things they can’t understand.

Oh dear OP, how awful. It's much better that this came to light though. Who in their right mind would want a resentful woman living in their home, caring for their kids, while secretly harbouring such bitter resentment. So you and the kids suck her energy, do you? What, like parasites, presumably?) The bloody cheek of it.

I wouldn't have her stick around. Pay her the notice period; pay for a ticket home so she's not homeless; explain that you would perhaps be open to a loan repayment holiday for a few weeks until she is employed again (a last, kind gesture); Ask your husband to take the kids away over the weekend (I'd stick around while she leaves then change the locks); On Sunday night, explain to them that she had to go home.

So sorry that your kindness and generosity has been taken for granted. She'll regret it one day, I'm sure, unless you don't make her pay you back, then she'll feel like she won the lottery. Personally I'd expect her to pay me back every penny.

All done, very civilised, notice given and a high level discussion that the loan needs to be repaid at some point. I know it sounds counter intuitive but to feel good about the whole thing and dignified myself, I need the whole thing to be “friendly” on the surface. I can’t kick her out overnight without going down to her level. If I show anger or upset I would be giving too much importance to this. I did say that I was terribly disappointed with her, that to me this had been a surprise and that I didn’t know the person that was sitting in front of me. She said she wanted to make it clear that she didn’t hate me (😮), that she liked me “as a friend” but didn’t get too many chances of seeing that side of me because I was always in my role of boss.

Well done OP, good job